MISANTHROPIC MARSHMALLOW MELTDOWN

MPB

I love people! Most of the time, I love people. At least 40 percent of the time, I’m super into people. But they’re also the fucking worst. For example, at parties, a friend of mine always introduces herself with this really terrible joke about how we “met at a zombie orgy.” I hate it. It’s so bad. Every time she does it, I get down on the human race. How could anyone think that was an okay joke to make? I usually have to run out of the party and leave her to fend for herself.

I also love Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat and the internet in general. Of course, I am deeply ashamed of my social media overuse and I hate myself for it. What is texting anyway? Are we even communicating? Do I have friends? Are all my friends bots? It’s unclear.

Finally, I love love. I love love so much, but I also want to enact a murder-suicide with some of my past romantic partners. I’d write their parents super-sweet notes, though, explaining why. They’d side with me.

Don’t even get me started on the state of the world… (I mean, I’m sure there are tons of wars ’n’ stuff happening right now. I definitely know about all of them. We don’t need to get into specifics.)

So you see, like most people, I am dynamic. I both love and hate things. Usually I’m fairly balanced. Other times, though, all the evil parts conspire to turn me into a truly misanthropic monster. There’s a curmudgeon down at the bottom of my soul. I try to keep her locked away so I can enjoy myself, but sometimes she just has to come out. (My friend’s party joke will usually do the trick.) And I’m not talking about PMS here, I’m talking about really hating everyone and everything and seeing them for what they are: garbage from hell.

I know how I must deal with myself during these misanthropic meltdown times in order to come out of them alive. I must lock myself in my one-bedroom apartment and turn it into a cave. I turn off the lights and burn candles. I do not clean my home. I spill things, sticky things, and leave them. I step in them later. I listen to all the mean voices in my head. I don’t pick up anyone’s phone calls but my parents’, and then only to start fights with them. Sometimes I tweet something dark, then I delete it because of how embarrassing it is and how dumb I think Twitter is. After that I’ll try to erase my internet footprint as much as I can. I’ll consider deleting my Snapchat account, but then stop myself. It’s important to not be too rash during times like this. And my soul mate is probably on Snapchat.

I need to make myself okay enough to get back out into the world. And the only way to make this happen is to get so sick of myself that I start to miss people. Usually, this will happen after two to three days. Unless it’s raining. If it’s raining, I can stay in my misanthropic coma for five to seven days. If it continues to rain, like if I happen to be in India during monsoon season, it’s likely I will never leave my home again. Usually, though, after three days I can’t stand the sight of my vile apartment or my giant pores. I get worried everyone’s forgotten about me and decide I must be okay again. There’s also the pressure of, like, going to work and paying my bills and what have you.

But before I’m ready to rejoin the human race, I feel entitled to one final delicious meltdown snack. I may have to leave my cave to get the ingredients for this, but that’s good. It will be good for me to see light at this point.

Anyhow, after all this, I’m fine. For at least a couple of weeks, or until the next time my friend makes that god-awful joke.

SERVES 6 TO 8

INGREDIENTS

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (12 ounces)

1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk

1 (7-ounce) jar marshmallow crème (or 1½ cups miniature marshmallows, melted)

½ cup milk (any fat percentage)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups fruit of your choice, cut into 1-to 2-inch pieces (we like strawberries and bananas)

2 cups regular marshmallows

2 cups store-bought angel food cake or pound cake, cubed

DIRECTIONS

• In a heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium heat, combine the chocolate chips, condensed milk, marshmallow crème or marshmallows, milk, and vanilla, stirring until just melted.

• Whisk until smooth.

• Transfer to a fondue pot and keep warm (or just eat standing over the stove like the hot mess you feel like right now).

• Serve with fruits, marshmallows, and cake pieces and skewers for dipping.