FRIED BRAIN FRIED RICE

MPB

Hey, hungover buddy,

Are you sprawled out on the couch about to order food? Stop! You can make it yourself! I promise. Give me a chance. Read this story, and if afterward you still think you have to take out, then do it. All right.

Did you accept the challenge? Cool. Let’s get started.

“Sleeping with your best friend never works,” we hear and then do it anyway because we need to take our chances. We need to feel alive. We need to get it out of our systems. We need to long-con our best friends into dating us. It always works!

Anyhow, I did it. I slept with my best guy friend and it was a bad idea. Some time afterward, when he and I were hashing out the state of our “friendship,” which I of course now thought was more than a friendship, he told me he’d never wanted to sleep with me in the first place. He said I had pushed him into doing it and—get ready for this—he had felt like he “had to do it.” He should be so fucking lucky. I’d never been so hurt in my life. (That’s not true, but I was really hurt.) I was hurt enough to get ridiculously wasted that night.

I hadn’t eaten anything during the day, because of anxiety, and hurt, and bad twenty-five-year-old eating habits. Oh, and it was Halloween. I dressed up as “your nightmare ex-girlfriend,” wearing a giant sweatshirt and a slip and carrying a fake bloody knife around. I also had a hilarious box of ice cream with me all night as a prop. It melted all over my outfit until I stuck it in someone’s sink and ran away. I drank everything you could possibly drink. I drank it all. I made friends with a group of cool-looking people at the one party I was invited to and accompanied them to four other parties. I drank more. I blabbed my entire story to them. They felt sorry for me. They helped me drink more. They wanted to find me people to make out with. At one of the five parties, there was guaranteed to be someone to make out with.

But there was a problem. I felt vomit rising. I wasn’t going to “boot and rally.” I had to get the fuck out of this fifth party. I got in an Uber and did my best to keep the vomit down, but I couldn’t. I threw up all over that car. I didn’t understand why the driver wouldn’t pull over and let me out. He seemed to know just how quickly I needed to get home. He felt for me! What a nice guy!

The next morning, I woke up to about eighteen where are you / want to come over texts from unrecognizable numbers, and also to the worst hangover of my entire life. I suffer from a disease called vomitosis, which is something I made up: it just means I have really bad hangovers. That day will go down in vomitosis history. I couldn’t keep anything down. Anything. Sweating, I drove to the urgent care clinic in my neighborhood to see if they could stick an I.V. in me. (I had seen this happen once on Grey’s Anatomy.) The clinic couldn’t help me, so I did something shameful. I did the most self-indulgent thing I’d ever done. I called The I.V. Doc. This is an on-demand nurse service for Hollywood celebs that sends someone to your house to stick a bag in you and rid you of your dehydration and nausea. It costs $200 and up, but I felt I had to do it. I’d been through vomitosis before and knew there was no end in hangover sight.

A few hours later, a sweet nurse I’d paid to take care of me after I had hurt myself physically because a boy had hurt me emotionally arrived. I will not hide from you how happy I was to be nurtured and taken care of in that moment, no matter the price.

After my nurse / new mom left, I was at last ready to eat. On hungover days I always treat myself to delivery. Mulling over what to eat, I checked my email and finally saw my Uber bill. The cab had also been $200. That’s why the driver didn’t stop and pull over; he was making bank off my vomitosis! He didn’t really care about me! I would never have ordered the I.V. had I known how much the cab had been. You might say I should have checked the bill earlier and was probably avoiding it on purpose, and you might be right.

My hangover had now cost me $400-plus. This was the most expensive hangover of my life. I had spent my full hangover budget and much more. There was no way I could afford takeout now, at least not without feeling incredibly guilty. And I had also already spent my guilt budget for the month!

I didn’t want to make pasta, though, or just eat toast. I wanted my regular hangover food. I had been through so much! So with the strength given to me by Debbie, The I.V. Doc, I went to the grocery store, bought the ingredients, and made fried rice for myself. This is a true tale of honor, I know.

There would be no taking out for a while after this night. There would be no buying anything at all, really, for a while after this night. I had a lot to save up. Still, the evening taught me a couple of very important things. First, it showed me that I definitely have a drinking problem and I should probably take care of that. Second, and more important, it showed me that it is possible to make your own hangover food. You can make fried rice. It’s not that hard. And you should, because you’ve got to save your money. You never know when you’re gonna vomit out $400.

Also, I slept with the guy again two weeks later. Now, we’re married, except we’re not at all and I’m lying.

Okay. The story is over. You are now free to take out if you so choose. I fully support you either way. I’m sending lots of love. I’m with you in spirit as your I.V. Doc, giving you an I.V. and antinausea medication, and also a kiss.

SERVES 2

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons coconut, canola, or other vegetable oil, divided

3 eggs, lightly beaten

1 tablespoon peeled, grated ginger

1 medium carrot, diced

4 ounces cooked ham or tofu, diced

4 white mushrooms, chopped

1 cup frozen peas

3 cups cooked white or brown rice (ideally a day old—this is a great use for leftovers)

2 tablespoons soy sauce

Salt and pepper

1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil

2 green onions, sliced

½ red bell pepper, diced

Hot sauce or sriracha (optional)

DIRECTIONS

• Heat a large frying pan over high heat and add 1 tablespoon of the oil.

• Add the eggs and scramble with a spatula, then set aside on a plate.

• Add the remaining 1 tablespoon oil to the frying pan. Add the ginger and cook for 30 seconds.

• Add the carrot and cook for 1 minute more, stirring occasionally.

• Add the ham or tofu and mushrooms and cook for 2 minutes.

• Add the peas and the cooked rice and toss together.

• Return the cooked egg to the frying pan.

• Season the mixture with the soy sauce and salt and pepper to taste.

• Add the sesame oil and stir to mix.

• Check the seasoning and add salt and pepper to taste.

• Garnish with green onions and red bell pepper and serve immediately, with hot sauce or sriracha if desired.