NOT-SO-BASIC BITCH BEVERAGES: THE LATTE IN ITS MANY FORMS
MPB
I’m quite certain the slang term basic will be in use until the end of time, but just in case it’s not, and you’re reading this book in the year 3022, let’s define it. A basic girl is basic because she likes the same things as everyone else. She’s not original. She follows the crowd and doesn’t have any original opinions of her own. Some famous fictional basics might be Jane Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, Amy from Little Women, and even Charlotte York Goldenblatt from Sex and the City. Your typical basic was probably in a sorority. She loves astrology, Us Weekly, and giant sunglasses. Most famously, she adores pumpkin spice lattes.
For a large part of my life, even before the term for it was coined, I thought being considered basic would be the worst possible thing on the planet. I’m not basic at all. I’m confident saying that.
I do love some basic shit, though. In the past this would have embarrassed me. I thought the fact that I could recite every single line from every single episode of Sex and the City would make people think I was lame. Now, I think it’s the coolest thing about me. You can be both basic and not basic at the same time. You can love some shit that basic girls love and still be complex. Let’s not forget the intense pain Charlotte York Goldenblatt experienced in her life, or just how long Jane had to wait for Mr. Bingley to propose. Amy was kind of a bitch; I don’t have anything nice to say about her. Also, these are the most basic references on earth, but we have to live our lives, and take our selfies, and have some fun.
But if you are still slightly insecure about your level of basic behavior, we’re going to take any guilt away from it to help you out. We’re going to show you how to make a pumpkin spice latte in the comfort of your own home! So no one sees. You can be a secret basic! My favorite kind of basic.
That said, if you make your own pumpkin spice latte, you’re inherently not basic because making your own latte is cool as shit, and really impressive.
But be basic if you want to be. There’s nothing wrong with it.
SERVES 1
INGREDIENTS
3 tablespoons strong ground coffee
⅔ cup water
⅔ cup milk (any fat percentage, or nondairy)
LATTE DIRECTIONS
• Brew the coffee with the water in a regular coffeemaker, French press, or drip cone.
• Pour the cold milk into a microwave-safe bowl, the edges of which should come up a bit higher than the milk.
• Tilt the bowl slightly, so that the milk is gathered more toward one side. Using a wire whisk, quickly and vigorously whisk the milk in the bowl for 2 to 2½ minutes. If the milk is not frothy after 2½ minutes, continue whisking an additional 30 to 60 seconds. The milk should be very frothy at this point.
• Microwave the milk in the bowl on high for 8 to 10 seconds. It should puff into a high foam immediately.
• To serve the latte, pour the hot coffee into a mug and top with the hot milk, spooning the thick foam on top. Serve immediately.
VANILLA LATTE: Whisk together a few drops of vanilla extract and 2 teaspoons honey or agave nectar to make a vanilla syrup. Whisk the syrup into the hot brewed coffee before adding the milk and foam.
PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE: Whisk together ¼ teaspoon pumpkin pie spice and 2 teaspoons honey or agave nectar to make a pumpkin spice syrup. Whisk the syrup into the hot brewed coffee before adding the milk and foam. Top the latte with a dash of pumpkin pie spice, fresh cinnamon, or nutmeg.
GREEN TEA LATTE: Instead of coffee, brew a strong cup of matcha green tea according to package directions. Sweeten as desired. Continue with the directions as written, replacing the brewed coffee with the tea. Top the latte with a sprinkle of the matcha powder, if desired.
CARAMEL MACCHIATO: Whisk 2 teaspoons caramel syrup (like the kind you would use to top ice cream) into the hot brewed coffee before adding the milk and foam, then top the latte with a drizzle of caramel syrup, if desired.