BETTER THAN YOUR $10 GREEN JUICE GREEN JUICE

MPB

I’ve cheated on spelling tests. I’ve cheated in tennis matches. I’ve even cheated time (I look sixteen). But I have cheated on nothing more than I’ve cheated on juice cleanses. This hasn’t stopped me from ordering them time and time again. I can’t tell you how many juice cleanses I’ve ordered in my life, because I don’t remember, because it’s been so many. Even if I could remember, I wouldn’t tell you because it’s really, really fucking embarrassing.

“No, I can’t go out to dinner because I’m on a juice cleanse,” I’d tell a friend. Then I’d stay home and heat up the juice to make it “soup.” That wouldn’t work and I’d feel bad for myself and eat everything. I could never make it to dinner, but I could always make it to breakfast and sometimes lunch. Trying to drink eight juices a day does not work for me, but substituting one for a meal does work and usually makes me feel great.

While enjoying one or two green juices a day is a great idea, paying $400 for a diamond-encrusted pressed elixir is not. Half the time I’m only buying these beverages for their designer labels anyway. If you are like me, I suggest dumpster diving outside the chicest juice place in your neighborhood and stealing a bottle. After this, go home and carefully remove the label. Next, go to your local print shop and photocopy the label. Then make our juice, package it, stick your photocopied label on it, and sell it for less than the store would. You’re eating healthy and starting a business. Is this a Ponzi scheme? I’m not sure. I don’t know what a Ponzi scheme is. Anyhow, this plan is all in the name of eating well, and it’s much more lucrative and easier to follow than an actual juice cleanse. Is this cheating? Who cares. I already told you I love cheating. Please enjoy both your juice and your money. Damn, we’re giving you so much green with this recipe.

SERVES 1

INGREDIENTS

1 cup chopped mango (frozen is fine)

1 cup packed dinosaur kale leaves (the long, dark-green kind, not the curly kind)

1 cup packed spinach leaves

1 apple, cored and chopped

½ cup coconut water (or use regular water)

Some other favorite fruit/veg combinations

1 cup chopped pear, 2 cups spinach, juice of 1 lemon, ½ cup coconut water (or regular water)

1 cup chopped pineapple (frozen is fine), 1 cup kale, 1 cup spinach, juice of 1 lemon, ½ cup coconut water (or regular water)

1 cup chopped apple; 2 cups spinach; juice of 1 lemon; 2 stalks celery, chopped; ½ cup coconut water (or regular water)

DIRECTIONS

• If you have a Vitamix or other professional-grade blender, you can simply blend this until it’s smooth (about 1 minute on the highest setting) and drink it as a smoothie.

• Alternately, puree as much as possible in a regular blender or food processor, and then strain, using a fine-mesh strainer, right into a drinking glass or jar.

• Drink immediately.