JUST PUT IT IN A BOWL, OR NO-COOK APPETIZERS TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

MPB

Let’s take a second to talk about bowls, and not just a set of six everyday white china bowls or mixing bowls or marijuana bowls. Let’s talk about starting to collect cool, colorful bowls, because it’s something I think you should do. The bowls, for example, that you buy at antiques fairs, or the one you agonize over on Etsy, and finally the ones you strategically steal from your favorite restaurants when you’re drunk.

These bowls are going to be put to good use and are going to save you time and money. Most important, they are going to make you look chic and together as hell.

The best lesson I learned from my mother, a truly fabulous entertainer, is that when having a dinner party, or any kind of gathering, you should cover your apartment in bowls. Drown your guests in bowls. For someone like my mother, who also has, like, quiches and tarts for hors d’oeuvres, a bowl is just a special touch. The bowls are an example of a host going above and beyond to make sure there is not an instant during which one of her guests cannot satisfy an oral fixation. To us younger folks, foods in bowls become last-minute hors d’oeuvres. You’re planning a home-cooked meal. You can’t also be bothered to make home-cooked hors d’oeuvres. That said, the bowls still deliver the same atmosphere to a young person’s party as they would to one of my mother’s.

A guest walks into your house, grabs a handful of almonds, and immediately feels at home. They’re in love with you and never leaving. They’re just so happy there’s food readily available! Do you have any super-awkward guests who you didn’t want to invite but had to because of social politics? Talk to them about the bowls! Tell them the story of how you procured this bowl from a lion’s mouth at a bazaar in Marrakech. (The stories don’t have to be true. You didn’t even want this person at your party.) Bowl snacks can be refilled all night long, but they look much nicer than just giant bags of chips in huge containers. And you can also do dessert bowls. Chocolate-covered almonds, chocolate-covered popcorn. Pills in bowls! Pot in bowls! Cigarettes in bowls! Condoms in bowls! Whatever floats your bowl!

Bowls are just fucking cool. If I walk into another girl’s apartment and it’s covered in bowls, I’ll immediately think she’s hip and get jealous, and that is the highest compliment I can give to any container, or girl.

THINGS TO PUT IN BOWLS

Nuts (any kind)

Pumpkin seeds

Cherry tomatoes

Baby mozzarella balls (bocconcini), drizzled with olive oil and a sprinkle of salt

Antidepressants

Grapes

Figs (fresh or dried)

Apricots (fresh or dried)

Gumdrops

Jelly beans

Chocolate truffles

Uppers

M&M’s

Nonpareils

Pretzels

Mini marshmallows

Tortilla chips

Downers

Hummus

Baby carrots

Guests’ cell phones (so people have to talk to one another at your parties)

Olives (set out an extra miniature bowl for the pits)

Raisins

Morning-after pills

Baby bell peppers

Marinated mushrooms

Pita chips

Guacamole

Potato chips

Sunflower seeds (in the shell or out)

And anything you can think of. When in doubt, just put it in a bowl.