BAD BITCH MARGARITAS

MPB

Oftentimes, I’ll order a “girly” drink while on a date or just hanging out with a dude, and then I’ll apologize for myself. “God, this fruity drink is so lame, isn’t it?” And the guy will invariably say, “No, it’s fine, you can drink whatever you want. You’re a girl.”

I really hate this. Please do not lower the coolness standards by which you judge my alcoholic beverage just because I am a woman. I want my drinks to be judged at the same level as those of my male counterparts.

The worst, though, is when I order a drink that I don’t consider lame or girly, and a guy thinks it is. I am talking specifically about the margarita. The margarita is my go-to drink when I want to get toasted and have a good time, and not only at a Mexican restaurant. Tequila is an upper, and I need as much upper as I can get without taking actual pills.

Lately, the lady ordering a margarita has gotten a bad rap. I’m not going to name names, but someone out there who was on a reality TV show started something called, like, the Anorexic Marg for Morons, and while it tastes good, it’s sort of ruined my life. I go out to a bar and I say, “Hi, can I please have a margarita with salt, but not too sweet… not too much simple syrup, please?”

“So you mean a skinny margarita,” the trendy Los Angeles waiter will often reply.

“No, just not too sweet. This isn’t about weight, you see. It’s just about taste. Thanks,” I say, and then pull out my boxing glove and punch the waiter in the face. “I would like a margarita, like my fucking dad orders, like Jack Kerouac would have ordered! Okay? It was cool before it was skinny. AAAGH!” By this point I am usually standing on the table giving a lecture about what a true margarita is, and what it means to me, and how the skinny margarita is not who I am and does not define me. After I feel I have spoken out to my heart’s content, I bow and do a backflip off the table.

And then the guy I’m out with realizes I am cool and forgets everything he thought about me before.

SERVES 1

INGREDIENTS

1 lime, quartered

Kosher salt

2 ounces white tequila

1 ounce triple sec (or fresh orange juice)

1 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice (from about 2 limes)

½ ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice (from about ½ lemon)

1 cup ice, plus extra for serving

DIRECTIONS

• If you like margaritas served with salt, rub the outside rim of a glass with a lime quarter and lightly dip the glass rim-down into a plate of kosher salt.

• Combine the tequila, triple sec or orange juice, lime juice, lemon juice, and ice in a shaker and shake well to mix. (Or, for a blended margarita, puree in a blender until smooth.)

• Serve in the salt-rimmed glass (or in a regular glass, if preferred).