TEXTING JITTERS JAM

MPB

The following recipe will occupy your hands for quite some time. This is so you cannot touch your phone.

We know times are tough for you right now. You’ve just sent a text message to someone with whom you are either romantically involved or wishing to be so. First of all, congratulations on sending that message. It’s good to go after the things you want. You regret 65 percent of the texts you don’t send. (This is a made-up statistic.) Even if you are just confirming plans for the night ahead, sending a text can raise your heart rate from stable resting to cocaine frenzy.

Does sending the first text really make you lose all your power?

When will these crazy games end?

Do we even want them to end, or do we love the drama?

Do I really look like that?

Where is my skinny mirror? Ah, blessed skinny mirror! There you are. My one true love!

We know where you’re at right now.

When I first got AOL, every time I instant-messaged a boy, I would run around my family’s apartment screaming with panic. (I still do this, but now it’s more related to professional emails or weighing myself.)

I also happen to know that Gabi has been with Evan for more than five years, and she still gets “Why isn’t he texting back?” anxiety when he takes more than ten minutes to respond to her.

Anyhow, save yourself and your heart! Take three deep breaths, throw your phone into a ditch (or just turn it off), and make this jam.

“Jam? Really?” you ask. “I’m, like, a cool normal lady, not some weirdo making jam all day.” We say yes. This jam will stop you from spiraling out of control while waiting for a response to a text message. It also will serve as a cool gift for that birthday lunch you’re going to tomorrow or next week.

If you put your jam into a hip jar and make it your own, you’re really reappropriating the whole jam game, you know? That’s our jam.

Our advice: FIGHT. THE. SPIRAL. Make jam instead. You have to do something with your hands so you can forget about your head and heart for a little bit. If you don’t hear from this person by the time you’re done with this recipe, get rid of them. No movie is this long and they are being evasive and weird.

NOTE: You will need six ½-pint mason jars with fitted lids for this recipe.

MAKES 6 HALF-PINT JARS

Ingredients

2 pounds fresh raspberries or strawberries (or a mix)

1¼ cups sugar

Juice of ½ lemon (about 3 tablespoons)

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

¼ teaspoon pepper

Pinch of salt

DIRECTIONS

• Place the berries and sugar in a mixing bowl and stir to combine.

• Let sit for 1 hour.

• Using soap and hot water, wash six ½-pint mason jars (or equivalent) with fitted lids and sealing rings.

• Fill a large pot with water and bring it to a boil.

• Submerge the jars and lids in the boiling water and boil for 10 minutes.

• Use clean tongs to remove and let dry completely on clean dish towels.

• Combine the sugar-raspberry mixture and the lemon juice in a medium pot over medium-high heat and bring to a boil.

• Reduce heat to medium and let simmer until the jam begins to jell, about 30 minutes.

• Add the vinegar, pepper, and salt to the jam. Stir well and simmer for another 5 minutes, then remove the jam from heat.

• Ladle the jam into the prepared mason jars and seal the lids tightly.

• Submerge the sealed jars in the boiling water for 15 minutes to form a good seal (do this in batches if your pot isn’t big enough to boil all six jars at once). Remove and set aside to cool.

• The jam may be used once it is cooled, but it is best after at least 24 hours. If left sealed, it will keep for up to 2 years.

• If you haven’t gotten a text by now, delete this person from your contacts. They are the worst.