04/11/91 In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch. 12,5

04/12/91 Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster. 12,5

04/13/91 Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about. 12,6

04/14/91 Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV. 12,7

04/15/91 Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it. 12,6

04/16/91 On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square. 12,8

04/17/91 Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess. 12,8

04/18/91 At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action. 12,9

04/19/91 Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes. 12,9

04/20/91 Calvin has a bat and tosses a baseball into the air. As it falls, he swings and misses. He walks off. He returns with a beachball. 12,12

04/21/91 Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate. He starts to shape it. He grabs some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into the same face, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair. Dad yells at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate. 12,10

04/22/91 Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings. 12,12

04/23/91 Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist. 12,13

04/24/91 Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes. 12,13

04/25/91 Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot". Hobbes says Calvin can be the "Club Chowder Head", because he quits. He says he'll form his own club. Calvin bets his club won't have a cool acronym for a name. Hobbes tells Calvin his club is called C.A.D. Calvin asks what that stands for. Hobbes tells him "Calvin's A Dope". 12,14

04/26/91 Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not. 12,14

04/27/91 Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie. 12,15

04/28/91 Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising. 12,17

04/29/91 Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move. 12,15

04/30/91 Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years. 12,16

05/01/91 Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter. 12,16

05/02/91 Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say you should stop and smell the roses. He says he did. He says they smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers. It was the most mundane experience he's had. He says he doesn't have time for that nonsense. He's a busy guy. He says the last thing he needs to do is stand around with his nose in some silly plant. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he's glad he somehow found the time for this edifying conversation. Calvin looks at his watch and says he's going to have to wrap it up. His TV show is about to start. 12,11

05/03/91 Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens. 12,18

05/04/91 Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait. 12,11

From 05/05/1991 through 02/01/1992, newspapers ran repeat comic strips while Bill Watterson took a sabbatical.

1992

02/02/92 Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick. 12,19

02/03/92 Calvin tells Hobbes when a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't stay the way he is. He says a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. He asks Hobbes why. Hobbes says there's no room for improvement. As they walk off, Calvin says of all the luck, his parents had to be humans. Hobbes tells him not to take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein. 12,18

02/04/92 Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years. 12,20

02/05/92 Calvin tells Hobbes he tries to make television watching a complete forfeiture of experience. He keeps his jaw slack, tries not to swallow so he drools, and keeps his eyes half-focused. He takes passive entertainment and extends it to his entire being. He's utterly inert. Hobbes walks away and says he's going before Calvin starts attracting flies. 12,20; 14,165

02/06/92 Calvin looks at the hillside. He starts building something in the snow. Later, Dad walks by and looks at the hillside. It appears a giant head is peeking over the hill down at him. 12,21

02/07/92 Calvin shouts that his head has gotten twisted around. He's facing backward. He looks down at his shirt, whose tag he can read. He lifts his shirt and sees his belly button. He realizes he must have his shirt on backward. He tells Mom, who's reading the newspaper at the table, that he's got his head on straight after all. Mom says she wouldn't go that far. 12,21

02/08/92 Susie walks through the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn". 12,22

02/09/92 A dinosaur poem. The great tyrannosaur lived many years ago, and he epitomized the concept of the killer carnivore. The monster came to town this morning. He lunged into the crowd, and people ran screaming. They tried to get away. People were trampled. Two boys dawdled by the candy shop and were devoured. A camera crew arrived to give a live report. They failed, because they did not live. The menace ate his fill and stomped away. Calvin walks behind Mom's chair, growling and snarling while walking like a dinosaur. The poem ends that no one knows where the next tyrannosaur will be found....except Calvin. 12,24; 14,162

02/10/92 Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired". 12,22

02/11/92 As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough. 12,23

02/12/92 Calvin complains Dad made him do his homework. Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said when Calvin gets older, he'll discover there are few pleasures greater than learning. Calvin told him he'll learn when he's older. Dad replied if he didn't study now, this would be as old as he'd get. Hobbes tells him it sounds like he learned something already. 12,23

02/13/92 Calvin tells Hobbes Mom and Dad drive him crazy. They don't understand each other. Calvin says he's related to people he doesn't relate to. 12,25

02/14/92 At the top of the hill, toboggan ready to go, Calvin tells Hobbes they're peering down the dizzying depths of Doom Drop. Do they turn around and retreat to the security of hearth and home, or do they brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of sensation. Calvin turns around to find Hobbes gone. Later, at home in front of the fireplace, Hobbes is lying on the floor. He tells Calvin he thought the question was rhetorical. Calvin says it was, the other way. 12,25

02/15/92 Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything. 12,26

02/16/92 Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer. 12,27

02/17/92 Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed. 12,26

02/18/92 Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this. 12,28

02/19/92 Calvin shows Hobbes his snow sculpture "Bourgeois Buffoon". He says Mom rejected his grant application to continue making them. Hobbes asks why Calvin needs a grant. Calvin says he's on the cutting edge of art. His work deserves public support. Hobbes asks what happens if the public doesn't like his work. Calvin explains they're not supposed to like it . He's criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate his art. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin will take their money. Calvin asks if Hobbes expects him to suffer. 12,28; 14,166

02/20/92 Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic. 12,29

02/21/92 Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to. 12,29

02/22/92 Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him. 12,30

02/23/92 Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat. 12,31

02/24/92 In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are". Hobbes says that's good advice. Calvin doubts Teddy was in the tub when he said that. 12,30

02/25/92 Calvin complains that all he is good for is to shovel the walk. He protests about his powerful intellect. He says his budding genius is being squandered. He looks at his hands, saying they're destined to created wonders, yet they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery. As he walks inside, Mom is vacuuming the floor. Calvin looks at Mom and complains that she better not tell him lunch isn't ready. 12,32

02/26/92 Susie is playing in her house, and the doorbell rings. She answers it, to find a snowman's head on her step. She goes over to Calvin's house and tells him he needs professional help. Calvin asks what makes her think he did it. 12,32

02/27/92 Dad looks at the row of giant snowman heads. Calvin asks what's wrong with Easter Island. He likes Easter Island. 12,33

02/28/92 Calvin calls the hardware store, asking if they sell catapults. He says he's looking for something to deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. They hang up on him. As he walks off, he says he can't understand how some of these places stay in business. 12,33

02/29/92 Dad walks through the snow and sees a few miniature snowmen. As he walks, he sees more and more. He comes up to Calvin building a full-size snowman, with upraised stick arms, and an expression of a yell. Dad tells Calvin he doesn't think Calvin has enough to do. 12,34

03/01/92 Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment. 12,35

03/02/92 Calvin cheers because he's finally defeated Hobbes in checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion. He says he's the top of the heap. He looks at the checker board. He looks around and asks if this is all there is. 12,34

03/03/92 Miss Wormwood says they'll move to the next chapter if there are no more questions. Calvin asks what is the point of human existence. Miss Wormwood explains she meant any questions about the subject at hand. Calvin looks at his book and says he'd like to have the issue resolved before he expends any more energy on this. 12,36

03/04/92 Calvin looks at some mud and says "Ewww". He pokes it with a stick and says "Ewwww". He picks it up with the stick and says it again. Finally, he walks through the mud, smile on his face, saying "Ewwwwwww". 12,36

03/05/92 Calvin walks with muddy shoes to the closet. He goes up the stairs. He walks to another closet, still trailing muddy steps throughout the house. He asks where those darn boots are. 12,37

03/06/92 Calvin digs up a hole. He fills the hole with a pail of water. He stirs up the mud with a stick. He goes to Susie's house, and tells her to put some nice clothes on and they'll go for a stroll. 12,37

03/07/92 Calvin digs a hole with the shovel. He fills the hole with water from the hose. He jumps in. As he enters the house while covered in mud, he tells Mom it couldn't be avoided. 12,38

03/08/92 Calvin asks Hobbes what he knows about love. Hobbes won't tell him. Calvin asks why he won't talk about it. Hobbes asks about the nice weather. Calvin is angry Hobbes won't tell him what he knows. Hobbes says maybe when Calvin is older. Calvin bets Hobbes doesn't know anything about love. That's why he won't tell him. Hobbes walks off suggesting Calvin should believe that if he wants. They fight, with Calvin demanding to know, and Hobbes refusing to tell. Calvin asks for a hint. Hobbes says "snoogy-woogy wips". Calvin is grossed out. Hobbes tells Calvin that he warned him he wasn't old enough. 12,39

03/09/92 Calvin is playing with his toy truck and cars. Behind him, Hobbes pounces. Calvin is knocked out of his clothes. Mom brings Calvin his clothes, saying she doesn't understand why he has to take off his clothes to play cars. She says it's weird. Calvin, standing in his underwear with Hobbes next to him, tells Mom to just give him the clothes. 12,38

03/10/92 Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work. 12,40

03/11/92 Calvin says the problem with rock-and-roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. He says rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but the stars are zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks. The "revolution" is a capitalist industry. Calvin says he's found some protest music for today's youth. He says this stuff really offends Mom and Dad. Hobbes listens to the easy-listening Muzak. He covers his ears. Calvin says he plays it real quiet, too. 12,40

03/12/92 Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to. 12,41

03/13/92 Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to pay any dues in life. He wants to be an overnight success, with the world handed to him on a silver platter. Hobbes rolls his eyes, walks off, and says "Good luck". Calvin yells after him that surely he concedes Calvin deserves it. 12,41; 14,21

03/14/92 Calvin walks along and steps on a twig. It snaps. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Hobbes gets up saying instinct kicked in before he knew it was Calvin. Calvin, on the ground beneath Hobbes, yells that Hobbes knew darn well it was him. 12,42

03/15/92 In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be. 12,43

03/16/92 Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in. 12,42

03/17/92 Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants. 12,46

03/18/92 Calvin asks Mom if he can buy a Satan-worshipping, suicide-advocating, heavy metal album. Mom explains that since the bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice proves they're in it for the money, just like everyone else. She says if someone wants to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Calvin asks if mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted. She says she's afraid not. Calvin says childhood is so disillusioning. 12,46

03/19/92 Calvin tells Hobbes people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like him. He says it's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than anyone else. He complains people refuse to see he's the crux of all history, a boy of destiny. Hobbes says he supposes one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Calvin says that's another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect. 12,44

03/20/92 Calvin tells Mom he'd like to be introduced not as plain "Calvin", but as "Calvin, boy of destiny". He explains she has to pause after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Mom says she thinks she's going to stop introducing him altogether. Calvin wishes she had some cymbals to crash after she said it. 12,44

03/21/92 Miss Wormwood hands back papers. She tells Calvin he can stop signing his work "Calvin, boy of destiny". She thinks his time would be better spent studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Susie asks about "boy of destiny". She says everyone she knows thinks Calvin's destiny is a private cage in the primate house. Calvin tells her that her destiny is to have a smile that is all gums. 12,45

03/22/92 A paw, a back, whiskers. Hobbes is on the prowl. He sees Calvin. Calvin sees him, and starts to run. Hobbes tracks him down, leaps, and pounces on Calvin. They fight. Hobbes wakes up from his dream, gnawing on his pillow. He looks at the pillow, all torn to pieces. Calvin is looking at it in horror. Hobbes smiles, yawns, and goes back to sleep. Calvin pulls his covers up tight and looks at Hobbes with wide eyes. 12,47; 14,168

03/23/92 SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house. 12,45

03/24/92 Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says "Oh yeah". He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight. 12,48

03/25/92 Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin can tell her what Lewis and Clark did. Calvin says no, but he offers to recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Miss Wormwood tells him to see her after class. Calvin dejectedly says he's not dumb. He just has a command of thoroughly useless information. 12,48

03/26/92 Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he read the history chapter she assigned. Calvin says he tried, but the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. When he picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor. As he walks to the principal's office, Calvin says his excuses need to be less extemporaneous. 12,49

03/27/92 Calvin calls the county library. He asks the reference desk for a word definition. He tells them he doesn't know how to spell it, and he's not allowed to say it. He suggests if they rattle off all the swear words they know, he'll stop them when he hears it. They hang up on him. He says they'll see if he ever votes for their tax levies. 12,49

03/28/92 Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, "Nice going". 12,51

03/29/92 Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened. 12,50

03/30/92 Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what assurance he has that this education is preparing him for the 21st century. He asks if he's getting the skills to effectively compete in a global economy. He wants a high-paying job when he gets out of school. Miss Wormwood suggests he start working harder. She explains you get out of school what you put into it. Calvin says to forget it then. 12,51; 14,25

03/31/92 Calvin is picking up sticks in the yard. Dad wants to mow the lawn. Dad told Calvin he might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Hobbes asks if he did. Calvin says he supposes so. He thinks Dad is trying to tell him there is none. 12,52

04/01/92 Hobbes lies on the ground dozing, while Calvin stands behind him. Calvin tells a short poem about his tiger being asleep, dreaming of a sprinting sambar who'll soon be dismembered. Calvin walks away, while Hobbes hums contentedly in his sleep. 12,52

04/02/92 Calvin says an article he's reading says by age six, most children have watched 5000 hours of TV. Calvin says he hasn't watched that much. He complains about being deprived of cultural references and being ignorant of countless amazing products. He rushes off saying he can get in a few extra hours of TV watching before bedtime. As Calvin watches TV, Hobbes says it's remedial vegetation. 12,53

04/03/92 Calvin applies for a job as a newspaper advice columnist. He shows Hobbes some sample answers to people who write in. Hobbes reads "Stop whining and get a life, Bozo". He reads three others that read much the same way. Hobbes tells him that covers about everything. Calvin asks if he can imagine doing that for money. He calls it a racket. 12,53

04/04/92 Mom sees a broken vase. She sees bugs on the floor. She races upstairs to Calvin's bedroom. She angrily opens the door. Calvin, with fake nose and glasses asks "who ees thees Kahlveen". 12,54

04/05/92 Calvin gets out of bed and gets dressed. Suddenly, a wind starts blowing his clothes off, rolls him back into bed, and covers him up. Mom comes in complaining he hasn't gotten up. Calvin tries to explain. 12,55

04/06/92 Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in the devil, a being dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man. Hobbes tells him he isn't sure man needs the help. Calvin says you just can't talk to animals about these things. 12,54; 14,161

04/07/92 At the dinner table, Calvin asks what the dinner is. Mom tells him to try it. He asks if grubs are in it. Mom tells him to try it. Calvin holds his nose and asks if that means he's going to hate it. Mom yells for him to try it. Calvin says she's mad because he broke her code. 12,56

04/08/92 Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's learned that everyone has his prices. If you raise the ante enough, there's no such thing as scruples. People will do anything if the price is right. Hobbes asks what his price is. Calvin tells him two bucks cash, up front. Hobbes doesn't know which is worse, that everyone has a price or that the price is always so low. Calvin offers that he'd make his price higher, but it's hard finding buyers as it is. 12,56

04/09/92 Calvin asks Dad what he's doing. Dad tells him that he's fixing something (his bicycle). Calvin asks why he bothers. He says when Dad rarely knows what the problem is, then makes it worse and hurts himself in the process. Calvin runs as tools are thrown at him. Calvin says he wishes he'd noticed the bandage on Dad's hand before he said that. 12,57

04/10/92 Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle. 12,57

04/11/92 Hobbes lies on the floor, while Calvin says tigers have no ambition or drive. He asks Hobbes how he justifies himself. Hobbes keeps lying there. Calvin joins him, and they both lie down. 12,59

04/12/92 Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells "I'm home". Calvin laughs that she won't know what hit her. Susie turns around and thanks Calvin for the quarter. Calvin angrily heads for the door, wondering where Hobbes' killer instinct is. KAPOW! Hobbes grabs Calvin and sails off the steps. Calvin, lying on the ground, says never trust a tiger. Hobbes happily runs off saying he can always tell when it's Calvin by the bad smell. 12,58

04/13/92 Calvin decides he'll believe in astrology and horoscopes. He says it only makes sense every facet of their daily lives should depend on the position of celestial bodies millions of miles away. Calvin points to the paper, which has a horoscope which reads "Many key policies implemented". He says he has to have his way. Hobbes can't believe those mischievous planets. Calvin says the newspaper couldn't print it if it wasn't true. 12,60

04/14/92 Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is "don't do homework". Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner. 12,60

04/15/92 Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. 12,61

04/16/92 Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe. 12,61

04/17/92 Calvin complains that not a single part of his horoscope came true. He wonders what went wrong. How could planets and stars be misread? What kind of science is this? Calvin wonders if tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology. 12,62

04/18/92 Calvin asks if the horoscope has a retraction. Hobbes says no, there is just a new one for today. He reads it to Calvin. It mentions popularity rising and big dividends. Calvin figures that's good. Hobbes continues. It mentions emphasizing romance. The opposite sex finds him irresistible. Calvin is horrified. Hobbes suggests that he knows what the big dividends are. 12,62

04/19/92 Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary. 12,66; 17,58-59

04/20/92 Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town. 12,63

04/21/92 At the bus stop, Calvin says maybe today's horoscope won't come true. Hobbes teases him about the horoscope saying "opposite sex finds you irresistible". Calvin says he doesn't believe it astrology anymore. It's all phony. Hobbes keeps teasing Calvin. Calvin says yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so today's won't either. Hobbes asks when the wedding is. He asks if he should wear his spats. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes, saying Hobbes will be wearing a body cast. Hobbes says they'll see how Calvin kisses girls with a fat lip. 12,63

04/22/92 They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet. 12,64

04/23/92 Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. 12,64

04/24/92 Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true. 12,65

04/25/92 Calvin says everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you have to wait until it happens. The best preparation is to take the present, and.... Calvin trips over a rock and falls into some mud. Hobbes finishes the sentence with ...think about what you're doing. Calvin gets up and tells Hobbes no, ...get yourself a good luck charm. 12,65

04/26/92 Calvin looks like a childishly drawn person with stick fingers. What has happened to Calvin? He is a crude black outline barely containing garish color. His eyes don't point the same direction. His nostrils look like a pig's. His hands are balls with sticks in them. His feet face out sideways. How can he stand up? His face shows no spark of intelligence. What can be done? He suddenly has a beard and horns. Then he's scribbled upon. Calvin yells that he hates drawing. He says it's a waste of time. Hobbes thought it was getting pretty good at the end. 12,68

04/27/92 Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead. 12,59

04/28/92 Calvin tells Dad they need a new policy in the house. Whenever Dad tells him things, Calvin doesn't want any explanations. He only wants ten second sound bites. Calvin walks off, covering his ears. He says "So much for that policy". 12,67

04/29/92 Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. "Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end". Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say. 12,67

04/30/92 Calvin's poll says the character issue is killing Dad. Dad says he's got great character. Calvin says that's what he they hate. Dad says his only flaw is a preternatural intolerance of pesky kids. 12,69

05/01/92 Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks "whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?" He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway. 12,69; 14,163

05/02/92 Calvin shows Dad five dollars in his jar. He says he's rich. Calvin says he's been saving for weeks. Dad asks if he's going to open a savings account. Calvin looks at the money. He tells Dad he knows why he and Mom don't get invited to parties. Dad says every time he makes a deposit, he can think "another two minutes at college". 12,70

05/03/92 Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude. 12,73

05/04/92 Calvin tells Hobbes his gum has lost its flavor. He adds another piece instead of spitting the old one out. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock. Hobbes is disgusted. He says an orifice is an amusing thing, all right. 12,70

05/05/92 Calvin gets the new issue of Chewing magazine. He reads the cover to find the different stories. Tongue exercises, fashion kneepads, and an interview with Bazooka Joe. Calvin explains to Hobbes it's all target marketing. They find your special interest and nail you. Hobbes comments that advertising was intrusive enough before. Calvin sees the '92 Spearmints are out. He has to get to a store. 12,71

05/06/92 Hobbes can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Calvin explains there are many such magazines. Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the melting pot. Calvin says there's no money in it. 12,71

05/07/92 Calvin reads an article comparing the top five gum brands. He shows Hobbes graphs so that you can choose the proper gum for your chewing style. Hobbes asks what kind of nut would care about this. Calvin tells him everyone. You can quantify your enjoyment. Hobbes thought fun was supposed to be fun. Calvin prefers to trust the experts. 12,72; 14,174

05/08/92 Calvin reads an ad for a new gum. He wonders if he's cool enough to chew it. He wonders if chewing it would make him cool. Calvin asks Hobbes if he should buy some. Hobbes tells him to do it if his emotional security depends on satisfying a need Calvin didn't have before reading the ad. 12,72

05/09/92 Calvin peeks around a corner to see a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He leaps on it, puts the box in his mouth, shakes the box, then eats the cereal. He tells Hobbes that he was right, food does taste better that way. 12,75

05/10/92 Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room. 12,74

05/11/92 Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice. 12,75

05/12/92 Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns. 12,76

05/13/92 Calvin answers the phone by saying they can't come to the phone. He says to leave a message at the click. He hangs up the phone. CLICK! 12,76

05/14/92 Calvin tells Hobbes most people muddle through their lives. He says he's going to have an epic life. He's going to wrestle the issues of the age and change history. Hobbes asks how he'll do that. Calvin explains he's going to sit and wait, so opportunity knows where to find him when it's time to change the world. Lying against the tree, Hobbes wishes he'd brought a book to read. Calvin says it will be any minute now. 12,77

05/15/92 Calvin hits the ball into the air. He grabs his glove, catches the ball, and calls "OUT!" Calvin picks up the bat and yells "DARN!" 12,77

05/16/92 Calvin reads a report in front of the class. He says the country was founded around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood asks what he means. "Before Calvin" is the reply. Calvin is sitting in the corner, on a stool, dunce cap on his head. He says that's what's important. 12,78

05/17/92 Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this. 12,79

05/18/92 In the wagon, Calvin says he isn't going to read the newspaper, follow complex issues, or vote. That way, he can complain the government doesn't represent him. When everything fails, he can say the system doesn't work and justify a further lack of participating. Hobbes calls it an ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin says it's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. 12,78; 14,163

05/19/92 Hobbes wakes up, stretches, and walks over to the window. He lies down again. Calvin asks if the darn old sun moved some more. Hobbes tells him to hush. 12,81

05/20/92 Calvin complains about his assignment to think up a story, write and illustrate it. He says he's not a novelist. He can't tell stories. Hobbes suggests he explains the noodle incident. Calvin yells that wasn't a story, it was the unvarnished truth. Hobbes says he's modest. He says Calvin deserved a Pulitzer. 12,82

05/21/92 Calvin plays in his sandbox. Hobbes asks if he has a story idea yet. Calvin says he's has to be in the right mood. Hobbes asks what mood that is. Calvin says "last-minute panic". 12,82; 14,19

05/22/92 Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office. 12,83

05/23/92 Calvin has an idea. Hobbes asks if it's for his story. He says it's a way he won't have to write one. He pulls out his time machine from the closet. Calvin says he'll go into the future a few hours. The story will be done by then, so he'll pick it up and bring it back to the present. Hobbes says something doesn't make sense, and he thinks it's him sitting in the box. 12,83

05/24/92 The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom. 12,80; 17,60-61

05/25/92 Calvin and Hobbes time trave to the future. They meet the 8:30 Calvin. The 8:30 Hobbes asks the 6:30 Hobbes why he always goes on these things. 12,84

05/26/92 The 6:30 Calvin asks if the homework is done. It's not. The 6:30 Calvin asks why not. The 8:30 Calvin says that two hours ago, he went to the future to get it. The Hobbes' knew this would never work. 12,84

05/27/92 The 6:30 Calvin clarifies that it's time for bed, and the story isn't written. The 8:30 Calvin thought the story was done. The early Calvin asks how it could be done if he didn't write it. The future Calvin says it had to be done before now, because he's supposed to be in bed. The early Calvin says that means he should have written it. The future Calvin asks why he didn't. The early Calvin says he came to the future to pick it up. The future Calvin says that if the earlier Calvin hadn't screwed up his past, the earlier Calvin's future wouldn't be like this. 12,85

05/28/92 The two Calvins discuss things. They decide the homework should have been done between their two times. They decide it should have been done at 7:30. They decide the 7:30 Calvin is a lazy little punk. They decide to go get him. 12,85

05/29/92 The two Calvins go back to make the 7:30 Calvin do the homework. The two Hobbes' talk. One says this has to be the least efficient way to write a paper. The other says all this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once. 12,86

05/30/92 The two Calvins catch the 7:30 Calvin reading a comic book. The 7:30 Calvin asks why he should do all the work. The others could do it, too. The 6:30 Calvin asks if the 7:30 Calvin will start writing or does he have to pound him. The 7:30 Calvin tells him to go ahead. It will be the future Calvin who hurts. The 8:30 Calvin isn't so sure about this. 12,86

05/31/92 Calvin is falling asleep at his desk. A bell rings. He opens his desk and pulls out a phone. That's not making the sound. He pulls out an alarm clock from the desk. That's it! Calvin looks up. He's really in bed with his alarm ringing. He sleepily gets out of bed. Later, he's falling asleep at his desk. 12,90

06/01/92 The Hobbes' figure none of the Calvins will write the story. They decide to write it. They choose to write about Calvin. One of the Hobbes' say it's easy to draw Calvin. You just make a big mouth and add some hair. 12,87

06/02/92 The 7:30 Calvin says the others can't gang up on him because they're all the same Calvin. The 6:30 Calvin asks whose dumb idea this was. They all point to each other. 12,87

06/03/92 The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs. 12,88

06/04/92 Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it. 12,88

06/05/92 Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to read his story. Calvin reads that Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saves the day. He reads that Calvin is a time traveling chowderhead. Miss Wormwood asks if there's a problem. Calvin says there will be for a stripey furball when he gets home. 12,89

06/06/92 At home, Calvin complains to Hobbes about the story saying Calvin tried to get out of writing the story by time traveling. Calvin complains the drawing was of three of him fighting. He says he was a laughingstock. Hobbes asks what grade he got. Calvin says it was an "A+". Miss Wormwood wrote the "tiger" narration was a clever touch and is glad he's finally applying himself. Hobbes thinks he should send it to the New Yorker. 12,89

06/07/92 Calvin, the commercial pilot, decides to see the Grand Canyon...up close. The jet flies into the canyon. Tourists on the rim wave at Calvin's screaming passengers. After pulling out, Calvin says everyone will be glad later that Calvin took the scenic detour. In the car's back seat, Calvin says if he was driving that's where they would go. Mom says Calvin's not driving, and Arizona is not on the way to the grocery store. 12,94

06/08/92 Calvin says baseball is an intelligent sport. He says it may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Hobbes says "especially the way we play". Calvin says the first person to discover 12th base gets a ghost point and one free "get out of jail" pass. 12,81

06/09/92 At the dinner table, Calvin tells Mom he's donating all the snot he sneezes to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Mom says nobody needs that donated. Calvin keeps eating. He tells her he has a jar for her to wash. 12,91

06/10/92 Calvin asks Dad if babies come from a stork leaving them swaddled on the front step. Dad says that's true in most cases, but that Calvin was dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a hairy pterodactyl. Calvin thinks that's cool. Dad says that explains a lot. 12,91

06/11/92 Calvin calls the library with a disguised voice. He is looking for vulgar synonyms for body functions. They hang up on him. Calvin tells Hobbes librarians are a sharp bunch. 12,95

06/12/92 Calvin and Hobbes have on cowboy hats. Calvin says the town isn't big enough for the two of them. Hobbes says they'll have to annex part of the county. As they look at a map, Calvin says Mom won't let them play with guns. Hobbes wants to be the zoning board. 12,95

06/13/92 Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off. 12,92

06/14/92 Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted. 12,97

06/15/92 Calvin sits at a box offering great ideas for one dollar. Susie comes up and says that's the dumbest thing she's seen. Calvin tells her to go soak her head. She walks off, and Calvin yells after her that she owes him a dollar. 12,92

06/16/92 Hobbes asks Calvin how he knows his ideas are great. Calvin tells him because it says so on the sign and offers one. Hobbes doesn't have a dollar. Calvin offers to take 50 cents down and charge 100% interest in dime installments over the next ten days. Hobbes leaves. Calvin complains people don't know a great idea when they hear one. 12,93

06/17/92 Calvin offers Mom a great idea for a quarter. He's having an inventory reduction sale. Mom gives him a quarter and asks for the great idea. Calvin tells her to buy some more. Mom says she's getting a great idea. Calvin takes off. 12,93

06/18/92 Calvin is eating his second bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He says the pleasure of the first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the third bowl he feels sick. Hobbes says maybe he shouldn't use chocolate milk. Calvin says he tried cola, but the bubbles went up his nose. 12,96

06/19/92 Calvin complains the television isn't informing him. He says it's a sound bite, entertainment, sensationalism. He sits down to watch it, saying that's all he has patience for. 12,96

06/20/92 Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it. 12,103

06/21/92 Calvin wonders how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but couldn't name it better than "the big bang". Hobbes asks what Calvin would call it. Calvin says "the horrendous space kablooie". Hobbes thinks that is better. He suggests they lobby to change it. 12,101

06/22/92 Calvin has some clay. He asks Hobbes if he wants to help him. Hobbes wants a smock. Calvin tells him the clay isn't messy. Hobbes yells that he wants a smock. Calvin gets a shirt for Hobbes. Hobbes wants to write on the smock. "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock". Calvin guesses it wouldn't show if Dad wore his suit coat. 12,98

06/23/92 Hobbes likes his smock. Calvin divides the clay. Hobbes says you can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Calvin tells Hobbes to knead the clay so it can be modeled. Hobbes decides he likes to say smock, so he does...over and over. Calvin wonders what's wrong with Hobbes. 12,98

06/24/92 Calvin says art is dead. He says popular art is the way to influence people. He says that's the only way to make serious money, and that's what's important about being an artist. Hobbes asks what kind of sculpture he's making. Calvin corrects Hobbes by saying it's not "sculpture", but rather "collectible figurines". 12,99

06/25/92 Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot. 12,99

06/26/92 Hobbes makes a tiger. Calvin says no one will buy it. He says it's boring. Hobbes says he just wanted to make it. Calvin wonders if this is some snobby, elitist, aesthetic thing. 12,100

06/27/92 Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes. 12,100

06/28/92 Calvin, the ant, is sick of working all the time. He doesn't want to labor for the colony. He has his own needs and desires. He wants some other sap to do the queen's bidding. Mom walks by with a full laundry basket. She asks why she and Dad should feed and shelter Calvin if he won't help around the house. Calvin, the flea, sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment. 12,102

06/29/92 Calvin asks Susie to stay where she is. He has a surprise. He wants her to close her eyes and cover her nose. He asks if her clothes are washable. Susie leaves. Calvin comes back with a mask on, carrying a pail. He says nobody's going to be her friend if she won't trust anyone. 12,103

06/30/92 Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people. 12,104

07/01/92 Calvin asks Mom why it would be worth four dollars a minute to talk to ladies wearing their underwear on commercials. Mom asks when he was watching that. Calvin replies during morning cartoons. Calvin walks off lamenting that whenever he asks a question, he ends up with a lot of them to answer. 12,104

07/02/92 Calvin hops over Hobbes. He lands on his back, then climbs over Hobbes' head. Hobbes grabs Calvin and says they shouldn't play that anymore. Calvin says it's not his fault Hobbes makes a very big frog. 12,105

07/03/92 Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real. 12,105

07/04/92 Calvin fills a water balloon. He hides behind a tree, chuckling. Night falls. As Mom puts him in bed, Calvin says he wishes he had more enemies. Mom tells him he will someday. 12,106

07/05/92 A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window. 12,109

07/06/92 Calvin looks at a cloud. The cloud turns into him, sticking his tongue out. The cloud drifts off, and Calvin says there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen. 12,106

07/07/92 Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a cloud that looked like him. Calvin says it was a sign. Hobbes asks what it was a sign of. Calvin replies a peculiar high altitude wind. Hobbes says science takes the fun out of the portent business. 12,107

07/08/92 Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood. 12,107

07/09/92 Calvin tells Hobbes people are self-centered. Calvin says the world would be a better place if people stopped thinking about themselves and focused on others. Hobbes rolls his eyes and asks who that might apply to. Calvin says himself. Everyone should focus more on him. 12,108

07/10/92 Calvin is stuck while trying to write his autobiography. He tells Hobbes he can't remember the first half of his life. Hobbes suggests Mom might know what Calvin did. Calvin says he asked her. She said he did revolting things that were probably unpublishable. Hobbes understands why Calvin suppressed the memories. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. 12,108

07/11/92 Calvin walks past Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Calvin continues, then Hobbes leaps on Calvin. As Hobbes runs off, Calvin says tigers have no setting between "off" and "high". 12,110

07/12/92 Calvin climbs the slide ladder. He sees himself high above town, then above the clouds. The sees himself sliding down back toward earth. Calvin sits on top the slide at home. Calvin doesn't think he's going to do it, despite Dad standing there coaxing him. 12,112

07/13/92 Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago. 12,110

07/14/92 Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs fly in such crazy loops, he wonders why they don't get dizzy and barf. Hobbes suggests maybe they do. Calvin thinks that's gross, but wonders why they'd keep flying that way. Hobbes suggests maybe they like to barf, and he starts to laugh. Calvin is grossed out, but he laughs. As they walk off, Calvin says it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas. 12,111

07/15/92 Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences. 12,111

07/16/92 Calvin opens the refrigerator and tells Hobbes that one of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and more intense. He decides to stick his nose in a mustard jar and inhale deeply. His eyes flare open and he flies up into the air. Calvin says when you're older, you take your sinuses for granted. Hobbes walks off saying some of us prefer to. 12,113

07/17/92 Calvin is reading a book under a tree. Hobbes asks how it is. Hobbes asks if it's gripping. Calvin says it is. Hobbes suggests Calvin wash his hands. Calvin pulls his hand from the book and says it's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum. 12,113

07/18/92 Speaking like Shakespearean characters, Mom asks "whither goest thou, young rogue". Calvin replies "thou dost wrong me". He says he is "resolv'd to quit this place forthwith". He leaves the house, and Mom says she'll "soon know thy business". Calvin replies "by my troth, I am off". Watching television, Calvin asks Mom if there isn't a cop show where they talk like real people. 12,114; 14,171

07/19/92 Calvin runs up and hits a golf ball with a golf club. He stops as the ball flies back over his head. He and Hobbes are chasing the ball. Calvin tackles Hobbes, then fights with him. Calvin escapes, but Hobbes pounces on him before he can hit the golf ball again. They fight, and Hobbes escapes to hit the ball. Hobbes holds Calvin away with his foot as he hits the ball again. Calvin says if you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport. 12,117

07/20/92 Calvin is glad the Captain Steroid comic has every issue as issue number one. He says that way, they're all collector items. He says they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags. That's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Hobbes says he keeps buying bonds. Calvin shows Hobbes the great committee that drew the issue he has in hand. 12,114

07/21/92 Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first. 12,115

07/22/92 Calvin, reading a comic beneath the tree, tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't understand comic books. Calvin says they deal with serious issues of the day. He says comic book aren't just escapist fantasy, but they're sophisticated social critiques. Hobbes asks if Amazon Girl's super power is the ability to squeeze her figure into her suit. Calvin tells her they all can do that. 12,115; 14,171

07/23/92 Calvin peeks around the corner of the house. He sees something and gets excited. He turns on the outside water spigot. The sprinkler has been wrapped around a tree, with the sprinkler head up in the tree. Below the flowing sprinkler is Dad's briefcase and papers. Off page, Calvin is saying for Dad not to miss his bus and to let him go. 12,116

07/24/92 Calvin asks for Hobbes to boost him into a tree. Calvin plans to wait for Susie to walk underneath the tree, then he'll drop a water balloon on her. Hobbes asks what they'll do if she doesn't walk by. Calvin says they'll just sit in the tree all day. Hobbes loves summer. Calvin says the days are just packed. 12,3

07/25/92 Getting ready for his bath, Calvin shows Hobbes the grass stains on his skin. He says if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. 12,116

07/26/92 Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it. 12,118

07/27/92 Calvin fills a water balloon, happily looks at it, then grins evilly. He says life is so, so sweet. 12,121

07/28/92 Calvin asks Dad which are the halcyon days of his youth. Dad says they're awarded retroactively when you've grown up. Calvin asks if you can't identify them until then. Dad says halcyonity is relative. Calvin says he's going to ask Mom. 12,121

07/29/92 Calvin tells Hobbes it's too hot to sleep with him in the bed. He says Hobbes blocks the breeze and takes up too much room. Hobbes opens the window. Calvin complains that isn't going to help. The problem is his big, furry body. Hobbes grabs Calvin and puts him on the garage roof. Lying on it, with his pillow, Calvin says Mom can't imagine how his pajamas get so gritty. 12,119

07/30/92 Calvin tells Mom that he doesn't have anything to do. She suggests he go clean his room. Calvin tells Mom he was bragging. 12,119

07/31/92 Calvin sits at an upside-down box that offers swift kicks in the butt for a dollar. Hobbes asks how business is, and Calvin tells him it's terrible. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's hard to believe. Calvin can't understand it. He says everybody he knows needs what he's selling. 12,120; 14,172

08/01/92 In their blow-up pool, Hobbes kneels at one end. Calvin looks at his watch. Hobbes falls forward, touching the other side. Calvin tells him that when you're as long as the swimming pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record. 12,120

08/02/92 Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis. 12,123; 14,173

08/03/92 Calvin leaps over his lawn sprinkler. He jumps over it, being splashed by the water. He looks at the sky. As it starts to rain, Calvin runs back to the house yelling for the door to be opened. 12,122

08/04/92 Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date. 12,122

08/05/92 Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin. 12,124

08/06/92 Calvin wants to find a poisonous snake. Hobbes asks what they'll do if they see one. Calvin tells him they'll scare themselves silly, run around in circles, and scream like loons. Hobbes looks forward to when they're old enough to get their morning jolt from coffee. Calvin says he bets that wears off quicker. 12,124

08/07/92 Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled. 12,125; 14,164

08/08/92 Calvin has discovered a little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's good to know. Calvin says if he wasn't such a muttonhead, he might have thought of it himself. Calvin, stuck into the ground, says Hobbes just proved his point. 12,125

08/09/92 In poem form, aliens come, drain the ocean, suck up the clouds and air. People cry for the aliens to stop. The aliens reply that while they're sorry to learn the people will soon be dead, they prefer their extinction to the loss of the aliens' job. Calvin shows Hobbes his science fiction story. He asks if it's too far-fetched. Hobbes says it's not enough, really. 12,127; 14,170

08/10/92 Calvin's hair is flat on one side. He says he slept on it funny. He wonders if it will stay that way if he mousses it. Hobbes wonders if Mom has curlers for the back. 12,126

08/11/92 Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone. 12,126

08/12/92 Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's done his part to make the world a better place to live. He was born. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he forgot to thank Calvin. Calvin tells him to join the club. 12,128

08/13/92 Calvin complains because of the heat. He says animals are dumb to have all that fur. Hobbes replies people are sure ugly without it. Calvin walks off betting Hobbes is so cranky because he's so hot. 12,128

08/14/92 Calvin runs past Hobbes, telling him to run from the hornets that are coming. Calvin says they're insane with rage and calls them lousy bugs. Hobbes asks what they're mad about. Calvin says he's been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. Hobbes puts Calvin on a tree branch. Calvin yells that a real friend wouldn't take their side. 12,129

08/15/92 Calvin cheerily runs up with a water balloon and hits Susie with it. Then, Calvin apologizes for what he's done and resolves to change his evil ways. Calvin is pounded into the ground. He says his penitent sinner schtick needs work. 12,129

08/16/92 Little Calvins in helmets run controls. They miscalculated and need to reduce forward momentum. The landing leg is out of alignment. One calls for view ports to open. They prepare for crash positions. Adrenalin is at maximum. They try to redistribute all weight. They prepare for impact. Calvin falls down the steps. Mom asks if he's alright. Calvin says damage assessment is under way. 12,130

08/17/92 Mom wakes Calvin up. As he awakens, Calvin notices it's not very bright. He asks the time. A tentacle taps him as a voice under the bed tells him to jump out of bed. Calvin tells the monsters that was a nice try. Beneath the bed, a voice says that it told the other monster Calvin's Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. The other monster says next time he can do it. 12,132

08/18/92 Calvin tells Mom the monsters under his bed kept him up all night. She says she checked when she tucked him in, and there weren't any. Calvin knows. She asks how they got there after she left. Calvin asks if she wants him to crawl under and ask them. 12,132

08/19/92 In bed, Calvin says Mom wants him to try an experiment. Mom's theory is that if Calvin doesn't think about them will make them go away. Hobbes offers that the idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. Calvin adds that Mom and Dad don't go away when he stops thinking about them. 12,133; 14,169

08/20/92 Calvin tells the monsters he's going to stop thinking about them. He looks over to see eyes and long claws looming over the bed. Calvin turns the light on and yells for Mom. A voice under the bed tells Calvin to admit it, he lied to them. 12,133

08/21/92 Calvin tells Hobbes that they monsters will come out when they turn the lights off. He wants to figures out some way to live with them. Hobbes says it's hard to coexist with things that want to kill you. Calvin says they have to do something. Hobbes says they are. They're staying awake all night with the lights on. 12,134

08/22/92 Mom asks Calvin why his room stinks. He says it's because of the monsters under the bed. Mom doesn't believe the monsters are causing the smell. She reaches under the bed and comes out with some cans, bones, and a banana peel. Calvin says the monsters don't eat all the garbage they throw down there to quiet them. 12,134; 14,169

08/23/92 Calvin says his bug bites itch, but he won't scratch. He feels like ants are crawling on him, that his head is on fire, that it explodes. Finally, he scratches the bites. He feels like he's melting. He says it was worth it. The bites itch again. 12,135

08/24/92 Susie is playing as Calvin comes up, declaring himself Stupendous Man. He runs off. Susie says virtual reality has nothing on Calvin. 12,131

08/25/92 Calvin feels an obligation to keep a journal. He says his ideas are more interesting than other people's. Hobbes says that's very philanthropic of him. Calvin says the world won't get it cheap. Hobbes asks what he's writing. Calvin couldn't think of anything, so he's drawing Martians attacking Indianapolis. 12,131

08/26/92 Calvin starts his journal by calling himself a boy genius, hope of mankind. He adds he could be called Doctor Destiny, sir. He says his journal is off to a good start. 12,136

08/27/92 Calvin wishes his shirt had a logo on it. He says a good shirt turns the wearer into a walking billboard. It says the wearer pays to advertise the company's products. Calvin says endorsing products is the American way to express individuality. 12,136; 14,10

08/28/92 Calvin asks for the strength to change what he can, the inability to accept what he can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. Hobbes says he should lead an interesting life. 12,137; 14,200

08/29/92 Calvin tells Dad they need to get cable TV. He says people across the country watch different TV shows than they are. He asks what will keep their culture homogeneous if they don't watch the same TV. Dad suggests there's still McDonald's and Wal-mart. Calvin complains they don't come into their homes. 12,137; 14,194

08/30/92 Spaceman Spiff flies over an uncharted planet and notices an alien. Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. He sees the monster. He wonders what circumstances of evolution made a creature so ugly. Calvin is staring at Susie. She tells him to get away from her. Spiff's field guide says the creature is a "gurl". 12,138

08/31/92 Calvin wonders where their candidates stand on dinosaur research. He wonders which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank. He says if no one panders to them, they'll stay home from the election. He says single-issue activists like to have their "hot buttons" pushed. 12,139

09/01/92 Calvin tells Dad that the meaning of words isn't a fixed thing. Any word can mean anything. He says English can become an exclusionary code. Generations can be divided by the same language. He asks Dad if he thinks that's totally spam. He says it's lubricated, and that he's phasing. Dad gives Calvin the peace sign and tells him marvy, fab, far out. 12,139

09/02/92 Calvin cracks an egg to see if it's hot enough to fry on the sidewalk. He and Hobbes look at it and decide it's not hot enough. It's a mess. They run off. Calvin bets it's hotter on the car dash. 12,140

09/03/92 Calvin hates hearing about social responsibility. He wonders what happened to greed and the consumption of wealth. He hasn't gotten to participate. Hobbes suggests it's the "me decade" left without its poster child. 12,140

09/04/92 Calvin and Hobbes are sitting outside on the porch. Calvin ate a Popsicle, and his tongue is purple, his face sticky red. His fingers are gummy, and his shirt is dripping wet. He's a syrupy mess. He wonders who he can hug. Hobbes moves away from Calvin. 12,141

09/05/92 Calvin looks in his dresser, then asks where his cartoon character underpants are. Mom says they're in the laundry. Calvin hates it when he can't gird his loins with funny animals. 12,141

09/06/92 As Calvin passes Hobbes lying on the floor, he says it's hard to believe his conscience lets him sleep that well. Calvin walks on. Hobbes gets up, stalks, and pounces on Calvin. Hobbes returns to his spot, lies down, yawns, and says "now it does". 12,143

09/07/92 Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he doesn't agree that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste. Calvin thinks if they could find a way to aim even lower, they'd make real money. He figures there must be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes. 12,142

09/08/92 Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin says he's not going. He tells her not to be so dysfunctional. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he has a new entry for his list of words that get a reaction. 12,142

09/09/92 Calvin is standing with an umbrella. He says his motto is "be prepared". He has a dart gun, comic books, gum, a map of Montana, and a few other things. Hobbes says everyone should carry a kit like that. Calvin says the umbrella doubles as a parachute. 12,144

09/10/92 Calvin is jumping rope. He's standing with his rope, saying what jump he's doing. He finally jumps the rope. He says jumping gets easier when the numbers are big. 12,144

09/11/92 Calvin tells Miss Wormwood he's a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. However, he feels the need for spiritual guidance as he faces the day's struggles. He wonders if he can strip down, smear himself with paste, and burn a little effigy of her. As he goes to the principal's office, he realizes that's a touchy subject. 12,145

09/12/92 Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the "child within", she wants to scream. 12,145

09/13/92 The pterodactyl flies over the water. Suddenly, a creature rises out of the water yelling for Calvin to pay attention. Miss Wormwood says they're studying geography. She asks what state he lives in. Calvin replies "denial". Miss Wormwood walks away, saying she can't argue with that. The pterodactyl flies off. 12,146

09/14/92 Calvin says his genes contain the evolutionary perfection of DNA. He's the culmination of creation. Hobbes looks down the back of Calvin's pants. He says he doesn't think so. Calvin has no tail. Calvin says his butt doesn't need aesthetic enhancement. 12,147

09/15/92 Calvin is toasting a piece of bread. The toast burns. Calvin walks off with the toast, saying that when you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane. 12,147

09/16/92 Calvin wants Hobbes to take a picture of him. He holds a book, looking contemplative. Hobbes asks why he wants a picture like that. Calvin tells him that on the off-chance he does something responsible with his life, he'll need to establish a fictitious childhood. 12,148

09/17/92 Calvin says people think cameras always tell the truth. He says cameras lie all the time. If you select the facts, you manipulate the truth. He's cleared a corner of his bed. If Hobbes takes a picture of him, and crops out the mess around him, it looks like he keeps his room tidy. Hobbes asks if this is legal. Calvin runs off to comb his hair and put on a tie. 12,148

09/18/92 Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books. 12,149

09/19/92 Calvin says he's a simple man. Hobbes tells him that yesterday, he wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet. Calvin modifies his statement that he's a simple man with complex tastes. 12,149

09/20/92 Hobbes pounces on Calvin, drags him along, then dumps him on the floor. Calvin says he needs to make friends with some less territorial animals. 12,150

09/21/92 Calvin raises his hand in class. He wants to say education is the most important investment in their future. It's scandalous how little educators are paid. Miss Wormwood stands dumbfounded. She asks the class who else didn't do the homework for today. Calvin mumbles he'd like to see more teachers out on the streets. 12,151

09/22/92 Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free. 12,151

09/23/92 Calvin says he refuses to go to school again. Calvin gets tossed out the door. As he brushes himself off, Calvin says he thinks Mom lettered in shot put her junior year. 12,152

09/24/92 Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received. 12,152

09/25/92 In his wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's figured out how he can achieve success without hard work. He has to find a profession where everyone in it is worse than he is. Hobbes says that might take hard work. 12,153

09/26/92 Calvin walks by Dad thinking he needs to act casual. Behind Dad is a Tinkertoy creation. When the door is opened, a bucket of water will pour into a ramp pointing at the back of Dad's head. 12,153

09/27/92 Calvin's food rolls off his plate. It goes to the edge of the table, then comes back. It jumps into Calvin's shirt. He struggles and runs off with the food on his back. He rolls on the floor to kill it. He lifts his shirt to see it, and Mom stands there. Calvin tries to explain, but is sent to bed. 12,155

09/28/92 Hobbes asks Calvin if he isn't supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin is pretty sure the assignment was optional. Hobbes says denial springs eternal. Calvin says it isn't denial. He's very selective about the reality he accepts. 12,156

09/29/92 Calvin says a day without denial is one you've got to face. He's not going to think of anything that's unpleasant. Hobbes asks if that isn't a self-deceiving way to go through life. Calvin says he isn't going to think about that. 12,156

09/30/92 Mom tells Calvin it's time for his bath. Calvin says he's in denial about baths. Mom puts him in the tub and says he can go ahead and deny it. Calvin says nobody respects his denial. 12,157

10/01/92 Calvin catches a fly in the house. He opens the door to let it out. Three more fly in. Calvin is happy for his good deed. 12,157

10/02/92 Calvin asks Mom for five dollars. Mom says he should earn it by working. Calvin says shaking her down seems to be work. 12,154

10/03/92 Calvin is sitting on a swing. He yells that he wants a push. He looks around and says everybody he knows fails the acid test of friendship. 12,154

10/04/92 Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says "click" and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes. 12,158

10/05/92 Calvin writes a poem about Mom saying she loved him just the way he is. He writes what he wonders would happen if he were a clam. If he was gray and slimy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Calvin says good poetry gives him goosebumps. 12,159

10/06/92 Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head. 12,159; 14,200

10/07/92 Calvin tells Mom he wishes he had a baby brother. She asks if Calvin wants a new friend to play with. Calvin says he wants somebody small he can beat up. Dad is on the phone, with his boss standing in front of him. Dad whispers into the phone. He wonders if they can talk about that operation some other time. 12,160

10/08/92 Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives. 12,160

10/09/92 Calvin points out how Hobbes' tail flips around. He wonders which butt muscles control that. He can clench his butt, but he doesn't think it would wiggle a tail. He walks off saying he's never thought of butt muscles before. Hobbes says some things don't need the thought people give them. 12,161

10/10/92 Calvin yells that he's in a bad mood. Mom gets Calvin a comic book. She says he should sit on the couch, and she'll bring him some peanut butter crackers. Calvin decides Mom knows everything. 12,161

10/11/92 Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself. 12,162

10/12/92 Calvin walks to the front of class saying the class wonders how the clothes walked on their own. He picks up a piece of chalk and says it's floating around. Calvin has made himself invisible. His shirt comes off. He says he'll take off his clothes and head for the door. Miss Wormwood picks Calvin up. He says the pants are hovering over the class. 12,163

10/13/92 Calvin says he isn't going to do his math homework. He says numbers are in mortal combat with each other. One will get subtracted. Why? How? If he answered those questions, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn possibilities into boring facts. Hobbes says he never thought about the literary qualities of math. Calvin closes the book, saying he prefers to savor the mystery. 12,163

10/14/92 Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that if ignorance is bliss, her lessor would be an attempt to deprive him of happiness. That's an unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. He hops out of his chair, saying he'll assert his patriotic prerogative not to know the material. He tries to leave the classroom but is grabbed. He cries out for help from the monarchists. 12,164

10/15/92 Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting. 12,164

10/16/92 Calvin calls the library asking for books on why girls are so weird. He suggests they look under "obnoxious". He asks if they're serious. He asks if they mean there's no research on that at all. He says he bets the library just doesn't want anyone to know. 12,165

10/17/92 Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands. 12,165

10/18/92 Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak. 12,167

10/19/92 Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking. 12,166

10/20/92 Calvin wishes it was winter. Dad says it won't be for a while yet. Calvin then wishes it was spring or summer. Dad asks if he doesn't like autumn. Calvin says autumn is fine, it's the present he doesn't like. 12,166

10/21/92 Calvin runs and jumps onto a pile of leaves. He says there ought to be a fall Olympics. 12,168

10/22/92 Hobbes is sleeping on the floor. Calvin runs up and blows on Hobbes' belly. Calvin, walking away with scratches all over, says that while it's a high price to pay, nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life. 12,168

10/23/92 Calvin is going to throw the football to Hobbes. Calvin tells him to go deep, but Hobbes says this is as far as Calvin can throw. Calvin denies that, so Hobbes offers to get closer. They threaten each other. After they've fought, Calvin guesses this is an incomplete. Hobbes thinks it's good they don't have to fight some other team. 12,169

10/24/92 Hobbes looks for the football. They can't find it. Calvin suggests Hobbes look over there. Calvin takes off running with the football under his shirt. He says it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. 12,169

10/25/92 Hobbes looks for Calvin, who hides with the football behind a bush. They cross the stream. Calvin hides in the mailbox. Calvin hides in the sandbox. Running around a tree, Calvin says every sport should be played cross-country. 12,171

10/26/92 Calvin is on the school playground. He says he just ate deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream. He goes down the slide. He gets on the swing and says he's on a playground full of nausea-inducing motion devices. He hangs from some bars and says this is the one time at school he gets some solitude. 12,170

10/27/92 Calvin has a paper fortune teller. He tells Susie to pick a number. He moves the paper device. Then she picks a letter. Calvin opens the flap to reveal Susie is a mouth-breathing bag of boogers. Calvin laughs. Calvin, lying on the ground beaten up, says life doesn't get much better than this. 12,170

10/28/92 On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission. 12,172

10/29/92 Calvin asks if Susie wants to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. He says after chewing almost $20 worth of gum, He has all the cards except two. He offers to trade Susie for those two. Susie tells Calvin she doesn't collect Captain Napalm cards. Calvin walks away saying it must be depressing to go through life with no purpose. 12,172

10/30/92 Calvin runs with the football. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin gets up and says it's a fumble. He asks if Hobbes is going to get it. Hobbes tells him he can have it. Calvin says it's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. 12,174

10/31/92 Calvin kicks the football, which goes behind him. He passes the football, which falls inches away from him. He leaves the football and goes inside the house to watch it on television. 12,174

11/01/92 Calvin is on his notebook paper. He's been doodling, so there's a tank for him to enter. The tank goes wherever Calvin wants. He shoots the school. Miss Wormwood tries to stop Calvin. He shoots again and again, but the shells have no effect. Miss Wormwood stands over Calvin's desk. She tells him to hand it over and see her after class. Calvin hands her his drawings and says the arts are the first to go in public schools. 12,173

11/02/92 Mom hands Calvin a letter he got in the mail. Calvin wonders who sent it. He never gets mail. There's no return address, only a skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. He wonders if it's the IRS. 13,6

11/03/92 Calvin shows Hobbes the letter he received. He notices it has a local postmark and wonders who would send a weird letter like that. Hobbes wonders if it's from a girl. Calvin drops the letter in horror, wondering if the post office doesn't screen anything. 13,6

11/04/92 Calvin isn't sure he wants to open the letter. It might be a mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters. He sees the note is cut and pasted letters from a magazine. Hobbes reads the letter. It contains instructions for a code and says a coded message will follow. 13,7

11/05/92 Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom. 13,7

11/06/92 Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on. 13,8

11/07/92 Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor. 13,8

11/08/92 Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes. 12,175

11/09/92 Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter. 13,9

11/10/92 Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads "You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha". Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help. 13,9

11/11/92 Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it. 13,10

11/12/92 Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is. 13,10

11/13/92 Calvin chases Hobbes. He says Hobbes has been sending the insults. He chases Hobbes around a tree. He stops. He admits the skull drawings were pretty cool. Hobbes says you can tell a good spy by his ominous logo. 13,11

11/14/92 Calvin and Hobbes fight. Calvin says he'll never forgive Hobbes. Hobbes whispers something to Calvin. They shake hands. Calvin says it's funny. They're pals again. Susie gets a message cut from magazines saying she smells. 13,11

11/15/92 Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic. 13,12

11/16/92 Calvin marches along singing a Christmas song. Mom kicks him outside. Calvin yells back that not thinking about it won't make it go away. 13,13

11/17/92 Calvin has a paint-by-numbers kit. Hobbes points out that Calvin isn't painting in the lines and isn't using the colors that correspond to the numbers. Calvin looks at the kit. He says if he did that, he'd get the picture they show on the box. 13,13

11/18/92 Mom says Calvin's haircut is a big improvement. Calvin asks if she likes what is says on the back of his head. Mom asks what he means. Calvin asks if the barber didn't shave "I may have a bad haircut, buy you're downright ugly" onto his head. Mom says no. Calvin angrily asks the barber for his tip back. 13,14

11/19/92 Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever. 13,14

11/20/92 Calvin answers the phone. He says Mom can't come to the phone. He says he'll take a message. Calvin says the caller can write it down, drive it over to him, give him five bucks, and Calvin will pass it to Mom. As he walks off, Calvin says the person must not have wanted to talk to Mom very badly. 13,15

11/21/92 Calvin tells Hobbes he's growing his fingernails. He'll file them, so he'll have claws like Hobbes. Hobbes says his are retractable. Calvin trudges off complaining about no retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no fangs. He sighs. 13,15

11/22/92 Calvin's home and opens his door. He sees Hobbes coming at him. He turns to run. Hobbes pounces on him. He flies into the air. He falls to the ground. He asks Hobbes if he's noticed how time slows down during a catastrophe. Hobbes sighs that good times are always over so fast. 13,16

11/23/92 Calvin asks Mom if he can parachute out of a plane. Mom wonders why he doesn't play "chicken" on the railroad tracks. It would be a cheaper way to toy with death. Calvin says Mom's so practical. 13,17

11/24/92 Calvin is angry with his connect-the-dots book. Calvin complains he didn't want to draw the duck, the book made him. He feels manipulated. His talent has been used against his will. Hobbes laments another blow to creative integrity. Calvin says from now on, he'll connect the dots his own way. 13,17

11/25/92 Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee. 13,18

11/26/92 Calvin asks Dad how bank machines work. Dad says you punch in the amount you want, and there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out the slot. Calvin asks if it's like the guy who lives in their garage and opens the door. Dad tells Calvin it's exactly like that. 13,18

11/27/92 Calvin tells Miss Wormwood she can present the material, but she can't make him care. Later, on the swing, Calvin happily says rumor has Miss Wormwood up to two packs a day, unfiltered. 13,19

11/28/92 Calvin notices comic superheroes fight maniacs with plans to destroy the world. He wonders why they don't go after more realistic bad guys. Hobbes says the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor. Calvin sees the problem. 13,19

11/29/92 Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation. 13,20; 14,193

11/30/92 Calvin asks if he can copy Susie's answers. She says no. She tells him he'd get a good grade without doing any work. Calvin wonders what's wrong with that. Susie tells him it's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. Calvin's never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that. 13,21

12/01/92 Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime. 13,21

12/02/92 Calvin asks Susie if she hates being a girl. Susie says it's better than the alternative. Calvin asks if it's like being a bug. Calvin thinks bugs and girls have a perception that nature played a trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend it. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin thinks he must have put his finger on it. 13,22

12/03/92 Calvin rushes home from the school bus. He's got time to himself. He plans to enjoy his liberty. He sits and watches television. 13,22

12/04/92 Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him. 13,23

12/05/92 Calvin picks up a rock and shows Hobbes. He explains it took eons to get smooth like that. He explains it's a sedimentary rock, as opposed to igneous. He explains the difference to Hobbes. Hobbes tells Calvin he knows a lot about rocks. Calvin calls them ballistic missiles from God. 13,23

12/06/92 Calvin is pulled into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks at the stars. 13,24; 14,197; 17,62-63

12/07/92 Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up. 13,25

12/08/92 Calvin writes to Santa saying he only wants love and peace for his fellow man. He doesn't want any gifts. He tells Hobbes it's reverse psychology. Hobbes asks if Calvin doesn't think it's risky. Calvin crumples the note and tosses it. 13,25

12/09/92 Calvin writes to Santa, asking why his operation is at the North Pole. He wonders if it's cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. He wonders if that's the example Santa wants to set. Calvin tells Hobbes he's trying to put Santa on the defensive before he considers how good Calvin has been. 13,26

12/10/92 Calvin writes that he wanted a missile and launcher last year, but he got socks and a shirt. He says Santa mixed up his order with someone else's. He asks Santa to get with the program. Calvin says that just because he gives stuff away free, Santa shouldn't get away with an incompetent organization. 13,26

12/11/92 Calvin has a snowball. He wants to paste someone with it. He figures each snowball he throws will cost him one present from Santa. He looks at the snowball and says he wishes he knew if Santa was bringing him any underwear. 13,27

12/12/92 Calvin tells Dad ski resorts use man-made snow. They have machines that can cover a hillside. Dad sits there. Calvin tells him "hint, hint". Dad says Calvin can rely on the weather like every other kid. 13,27

12/13/92 Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at high speeds. Spiff discovers galaxies and planets not charted. He lands on worlds not explored, confronting species never encountered. He's a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown. Mom gives Calvin a plate of food. He cringes, saying he's never had it before and won't eat it. 13,28; 17,64-65

12/14/92 Dad sees Calvin watching another Christmas TV special. Dad says it's touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought by food, cola, and beer conglomerates. He walks away wondering who would have guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Calvin says Dad doesn't handle the stress of the season very gracefully. 13,29

12/15/92 Calvin would like to have a talk with Dad. He tells Dad it's his responsibility to show consumer confidence and by things to get the economy going. Calvin gives Dad a list of big-ticket items he'd like for Christmas. Calvin hopes he can trust Dad to do what's right for the country. Dad says he has to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around. 13,29

12/16/92 Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time. 13,31

12/17/92 Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave. 13,31

12/18/92 Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day. 13,32

12/19/92 Hiding behind a snowman, Calvin has a clear shot at Susie. Hobbes says he thought Calvin was going to do ten acts of good will a day. Calvin says he'll do them after lunch. Hobbes tells him doing good deeds isn't going to impress Santa if he does bad things all morning. Calvin wonders if grazing her jaw would be in a gray area. Hobbes tells Calvin not to expect to play with his toys when Calvin doesn't get any. 13,32

12/20/92 Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic. 13,30

12/21/92 Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope. 13,33

12/22/92 Calvin hands Hobbes a comic book. He says he can read it. Calvin tells him to be sure his hands are clean, and that he use sterilized tongs to turn the pages. Calvin proclaims one act of good will. Hobbes thinks spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. 13,33

12/23/92 Calvin eats his food, saying he guesses this is boiled guano on raw maggots. He declares another spontaneous act of good will. He says Santa better come through in spades for this. Mom asks if Calvin wants more maggots. He says to pile them on. 13,34

12/24/92 Calvin needs one more day of being good. He bets Santa's loading up the sleigh for deliveries. He couldn't be deciding how good Calvin is. Calvin figures if the decision is made, he doesn't have to impress him anymore. He's free to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what happens if he loads Calvin's stuff last to see what he does. Calvin figures one more day won't hurt. 13,34

12/25/92 On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture. 13,35

12/26/92 Calvin notices the snow isn't deep enough for sledding, not wet enough to pack. He sighs. He says fortunately, he's the stoic type. Hobbes says he's an inspiration to us all. 13,35

12/27/92 Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit. 13,36

12/28/92 Calvin tells Dad it's amazing how many things you can take apart with a screwdriver. Dad asks what kind of things. Calvin starts to talk, but says it's hypothetical. He doesn't know for a fact. It's hard to say. He walks off wiping his brow. He says he's got to stop introducing topics of conversation. 13,37

12/29/92 Calvin says the problem with the universe is that there are no toll-free hot line numbers for complaints. If the universe had decent management, they'd get a full refund if they weren't completely satisfied. Hobbes says the place is free. Calvin says they should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff. 13,37

12/30/92 Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it. 13,38

12/31/92 Calvin wonders why people always seem so crabby and animals seem so content. Hobbes suggests it's because animals know they're superior. Calvin thought it was because animals got 15 hours of sleep every day. Hiding up in a tree, Calvin says he thinks animals are just as crabby as people are. 13,38

1993

01/01/93 Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time. 13,39

01/02/93 Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is "so what". Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around. 13,39

01/03/93 Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman representing the spirit of the new year. The snowman has stick arms making it look like the snowman is looking to the distance. Calvin says it strides forward with confidence, calling forth the best qualities of human drive. Hobbes says that's very inspiring. They look over to other snowmen, built so they're laughing and pointing at the other snowman. Hobbes asks if those snowmen are the real world. Calvin tells him that's why they're glad when the old year is over. 13,40

01/04/93 As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside. 13,41

01/05/93 Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out. 13,41

01/06/93 Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says it would be a surprise if the bus exploded and he didn't have to go to school. He says he'd really be surprised if that happens. On the school bus, Calvin says life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. 13,42

01/07/93 Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air. 13,42

01/08/93 Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares. 13,43

01/09/93 Sitting in the chair, watching TV, Calvin tells Hobbes he's killing time to wait for life to shower him with meaning and happiness. Hobbes hopes he's comfy. 13,43

01/10/93 Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who. 13,44; 14,167

01/11/93 Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV. 13,45

01/12/93 Dad walks on the sidewalk heading home. At the end of sticks put next to the sidewalk are heads of snowmen with frowns on their faces. Dad says it's home, sweet home. 13,45

01/13/93 Calvin makes a tiny snowman. He makes several more, then walks up a hill. On his toboggan at the top of the hill, Calvin says the townsfolk below began their day like any other day. 13,46

01/14/93 Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard. 13,46

01/15/93 Hobbes pulls the sled up the hill. Calvin complains he hates trudging up the hills. He didn't come out to work, he came out to play. Hobbes tells him he can't ride the sled if he doesn't climb the hills. Calvin says he can, if Hobbes pulls him up. Calvin, standing with the sled rope in hand and no Hobbes around, says Hobbes is lazy and selfish. 13,47

01/16/93 In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out. 13,47

01/17/93 In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take. 13,48

01/18/93 Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says "why, yes". 13,49

01/19/93 Calvin sees Hobbes lying in the sunlight coming through the window. He sees Hobbes lying in front of the fireplace. He sees Hobbes lying on a heating register. Later, he sees Hobbes under the covers in bed. Calvin says all that fur must be strictly ornamental. 13,49

01/20/93 Mom looks in the bathtub to find a snowman looking like Calvin inside. Mom yells that it's a nice try. 13,50

01/21/93 Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood. 13,50; 14,184

01/22/93 Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk. 13,51

01/23/93 Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for. 13,51

01/24/93 The dinosaur comes out attacking another. Calvin hits Susie with a snowball. She gets up. The second dinosaur chases the attacking one. Calvin closes his front door, marches upstairs, and throws away his book on dinosaurs. 13,52

01/25/93 Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to verb words. He takes nouns and adjectives and uses them as verbs. He asks Hobbes if he remembers when "access" was a thing. Now, it's something you do. Calvin says verbing weirds language. Hobbes hopes they can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding. 13,53

01/26/93 Calvin sees chocolate chip cookie batter. He asks Mom if he can have some. She says it's got raw eggs in it and he could get salmonella poisoning. Calvin walks off lamenting one more nostalgic part of childhood going THBPPTH. 13,53

01/27/93 Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman. 13,54

01/28/93 Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup. 13,54

01/29/93 Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on. 13,55

01/30/93 Calvin has shoveled a path from the front steps around the house to the driveway. On each side of the path, in front of the door, and behind the car, there is a pile of snow. Calvin tells Hobbes that if you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. 13,55

01/31/93 A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie. 13,56

02/01/93 Calvin has an assignment to explain the significance of Magellan's expedition. He prays for a gas mask, smoke grenade, and a helicopter. 13,57

02/02/93 Mom yells at Calvin not to throw his wet coat on the floor. She tells him to hang it up where it belongs. She isn't looking for extra work. As he drags his coat, he thinks "like I am". 13,57

02/03/93 Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt. 13,58

02/04/93 Calvin brought a single snowflake for show and tell. He says they can all learn a lesson from how the unique crystal turns into a boring molecule of water, just like every one of the class, when you bring it into the classroom. He walks off saying that while the analogy sinks in, he'll be leaving. 13,58; 14,185

02/05/93 Calvin complains to Susie about the sandwich Mom made for him. He says it's squid. He tells Susie to smell it. He says it's rubbery and the inky brine soaked the bread. He asks Susie if she wants to trade. Susie leaves. Calvin says nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich. 13,59

02/06/93 Mom bundles Calvin for the cold. Calvin asks Mom if she knows what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits. As Calvin walks into the bathroom, he asks how he's ever going to learn to be an astronaut. 13,59

02/07/93 Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food. 13,60

02/08/93 In poem, Calvin talks about a snowball packed with care smacking a head that's unaware. With freezing ice to spare, it melts and soaks through underwear. He tells the snowball to fly true, hit square, he tells the snowball that's his prayer. He says he only throws consecrated snowballs. 13,61

02/09/93 Calvin hops backward in the snow. He's making deceptive footprints. He tells Hobbes people will think the tracks were made by a one-legged kid going the other way. Hobbes asks who's on his trail. Calvin says it doesn't hurt to take precautions. 13,61

02/10/93 Calvin has 200 snowballs in his snow fort. He says nobody's going to make him come in the house. He waits, and waits. He opens the door to the house, asking if anybody misses him. 13,62