If you have ejaculation problems in the man-on-top position, ask your lover to close her legs so that her inner thighs provide you with extra stimulation. It usually helps to use lubricant on her inner thighs.
MEN’S SECRET SEX PROBLEM
DIFFICULTIES WITH EJACULATION
I’d just started college. I wasn’t a virgin, but I’d had sex only a few times, and beyond the basics of what went where, I knew little about lovemaking.
I met Peggy at a party. I don’t think I ever learned her last name. She latched onto me and wouldn’t let go. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I didn’t find her particularly attractive, nor, as the evening wore on, very interesting. But for reasons I could not fathom, she was taken with me and made it clear that she would welcome an invitation to bed. I was not about to waste the opportunity. We left the party and walked to her place. On the way, we passed a convenience store. I had trouble spitting out the words, but finally managed to ask if I should stop in for some condoms. She giggled nervously and said, “Don’t worry about it.” I figured she was on the Pill, or had some condoms at her place.
She lived with roommates in an apartment in a decrepit building. Her room was the opposite of romantic. Her bed, a mattress on the floor, had no linens. We undressed, and then quite suddenly and unexpectedly, I had a powerful urge to get up and leave. I didn’t like Peggy, didn’t feel attracted to her, and didn’t feel turned on. But there she was, naked, pulling me down on top of her. I looked around and saw no condoms.
“Are you on the Pill?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but don’t worry. I can’t get pregnant.”
“What do you mean, you can’t?”
“I just can’t. That’s all.”
I didn’t believe it, and felt incredulous that she seemed perfectly happy to have intercourse without contraception. But there I was, a horny guy with a chance to get laid. And there she was, willing, eager. We had sex.
In previous sexual encounters, I’d ejaculated very quickly. But that time, I didn’t come at all. I pumped away for quite a while, then stopped. I had no idea that a man could have intercourse and not come. I declined to spend the night and left feeling confused and frustrated. I never saw Peggy again.
FROM ANCIENT FASCINATION TO MODERN FOOTNOTE
Difficulty triggering ejaculation is the flip side of coming to soon. In both cases, the process of ejaculation is not under a man’s control. Ejaculation problems include several related concerns. Most men with this problem can ejaculate during masturbation, but have trouble, or can’t at all, during partner sex. Some men can ejaculate during partner sex only under specific conditions, for example, during oral sex, but not vaginal intercourse. Other men experience “numb come,” ejaculation without the pleasure of orgasm. And some men experience “dry orgasm,” the pleasure of sexual climax without release of semen (see “The Difference between Ejaculation and Orgasm”).
The names physicians and sex therapists use to describe ejaculatory problems include “retarded ejaculation,” “ejaculatory incompetence,” and “inhibited ejaculation.” These terms are confusing and cause anxiety, neither of which helps resolve the issue. If you have trouble ejaculating, you’re not retarded, incompetent, or inhibited. You simply have trouble ejaculating. I prefer to use less threatening terms like “nonejaculation” or “trouble or difficulty ejaculating,” because that’s what’s going on.
Today, nonejaculation is men’s least discussed sex problem. Ironically, it was a central concern in several ancient cultures. Chinese Taoist physicians of the Han Dynasty (206 B.C. to A.D. 220) did not consider difficulty ejaculating a problem. They promoted it as key to men’s longevity and sexual fulfillment. The Tao of Loving, part of the Tao Te Ching, the bible of Taoism, says that semen contains a man’s “essence of life,” and that ejaculating too frequently depletes this vital force and shortens his life. Taoist teachers encouraged men to make love frequently, but to ejaculate less often, depending on their age and health. Young men were advised to ejaculate every third day, middle-aged men, once every few weeks, and elderly men, once a month—but not at all during winter, or if they were ill.
Those of us with a Western medical perspective would agree that the sperm in semen play a key role in giving life to the next generation, but no Western studies suggest that retention of semen promotes longevity. On the contrary, a recent Welsh study suggests that as men’s sexual frequency increases (and in the West, ejaculation is an expected result of sex) life expectancy also increases. The Taoist belief presumably emerged from the twin observations that as men age, they experience more difficulty ejaculating and have longer refractory periods (the length of time from ejaculation to raising another erection).
However, the Taoists were quite sophisticated about some aspects of ejaculation. They were aware of the distinction between ejaculation and orgasm centuries before Western medicine realized that the two were separate phenomena. The Taoists encouraged men to have orgasms, but discouraged ejaculation, in part because they believed it left men too fatigued to enjoy subsequent orgasms quickly.
For similar reasons, other cultures have also touted nonejaculatory lovemaking, sometimes known as “coitus reservatus” or “male continence.” During the Middle Ages, some Arab societies practiced ismak, literally the retention of semen. And during the 19th century, the Oneida Community, an agrarian/utopian experiment in New York, advocated nonejaculatory sex as a contraceptive.
MORE COMMON THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK
In their 1948 survey of men’s sexuality, Alfred Kinsey’s team found that only one man in 1,000 admitted having any problem ejaculating. During the early 1970s, Masters and Johnson reported treating only a handful of men for this problem, and called it rare.
“Today we know that ejaculation problems are not as common as rapid ejaculation or erection difficulties,” says Great Sex advisory board member Marty Klein, Ph.D. “But they are more common than most people think.” Findings from the two most comprehensive studies of our nation’s sexuality (the University of Chicago and University of California surveys, described in the Introduction) suggest that up to 10 percent of men in all age groups experience trouble ejaculating. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but if you’re in that 10 percent, it’s a big deal. And because it’s underreported, there may be lots of men who struggle with it and don’t realize that they can do something about it. “When a man develops it, he often feels like he’s the only guy in the world who has this problem,” explains Great Sex advisory board member Louanne Weston, Ph.D.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EJACULATION AND ORGASM
Chances are you have experienced a range of pleasure during orgasm. Some orgasms are intense, whole-body experiences. Others are more modest and feel localized in the penis. And sometimes ejaculation may involve little or no pleasure. The fact is, ejaculation and orgasm usually occur simultaneously, but they are distinct experiences.
Ejaculation is a two-part reflex usually stimulated by stroking the head and shaft of the sexually aroused penis during the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle. The first stage of ejaculation is “emission,” during which the prostate gland and seminal vesicles contract and empty their fluids into the urethra. Men experience emission as their “point of no return” after which ejaculation feels inevitable. The second stage is “expulsion,” the rhythmic, wavelike pelvic-muscle contractions that propel semen down the urethra and out of the penis. These muscle contractions create the sensation of orgasm.
Although ejaculation differs from orgasm, the typical case of non-ejaculation involves simultaneous impairment of both. Usually emission and expulsion are coordinated, the latter following moments after the former. Emission is controlled by nerves in the lumbar (lower mid-back) portion of the spine. Below them are the sacral nerves, which are involved in both erection and expulsion. Because different nerve groups control the two phases of ejaculation, it is possible to experience one without the other.
Emission with impaired expulsion produces “numb come”—semen dribbling out of the penis instead of spurting, and without the physical release of orgasm. If you’re concerned that your orgasms are not as pleasurable as you would like, try the Kegel exercises described in chapter 2. A few months of regular Kegels should help you experience stronger, more enjoyable orgasms.
Orgasm without ejaculation is equally possible. You experience the pleasure of sexual climax—without the release of semen. Expulsion without emission is often called “dry orgasm.” The pelvic muscles contract, triggering orgasm, but the prostate and seminal vesicles do not empty their contents into the urethra, so no semen leaves the penis. Men who can experience orgasm without ejaculation have learned the subtleties of preventing emission, while enjoying expulsion. Dry orgasm typically results from surgery for benign (noncancerous) prostate enlargement. Medically, this is known as retrograde ejaculation. However, even without this surgery, some men experience dry orgasm.
CAUSES OF EJACULATION DIFFICULTIES
Your masturbation style. Some men develop a highly specific masturbation pattern, and train themselves to ejaculate only that way. “I’ve counseled guys who yank their penises harder than any woman naturally would,” Weston explains, “or who bend it off to one side, or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with this, but some men train themselves to ejaculate only in this way—and then can’t with a lover who isn’t clued into their little secret.”
Trying for round two. Many young men can raise erections soon after ejaculating. “But sometimes the second go-round isn’t as enjoyable as the first,” Klein explains, “and the man has trouble ejaculating, or can’t, especially as he grows older.”
Getting older. With age, the nervous system loses some of its excitability. “After around age 40,” explains Great Sex advisory board member Dennis Sugrue, Ph.D., “men often notice that their penises need more stimulation than they once did to trigger ejaculation. Many men who struggled to delay ejaculation as young men find they have difficulty triggering it as they grow older. This can feel very frustrating.”
Aging also brings a gradual loss of pelvic muscle tone. Pelvic muscle contractions propel semen out of the penis and govern the intensity of your orgasm. As pelvic muscle tone wanes, semen may not spurt as forcefully and orgasms may feel less intense. Fortunately, age-related loss of pelvic muscle tone can be reversed with Kegel exercises.
Age-related nonejaculation does not mean that you’re inadequate, abnormal, or nearing the end of your sexual rope. Nor does it mean that you feel turned off by your lover. It just means you’re getting older. Older men who enjoy making love frequently might actually prefer not to ejaculate every time because it means they can raise a subsequent erection more quickly.
Delivery-boy mentality. Another common cause of nonejaculation is the “delivery boy” attitude toward sex—the notion that sex is something you should do for women, even if you aren’t interested in making love. “When a man pays too much attention to his partner’s experience and not enough to his own, he loses erotic focus,” Klein explains. “That can interfere with ejaculation.”
Bernard Apfelbaum, Ph.D., a nonejaculation expert and director of the Berkeley Sex Therapy Group in Berkeley, California, explains that the men he sees with this problem typically have erections that are out of sync with their level of desire. They have highly responsive penises and can raise firm, long-lasting erections, but they experience little or no sexual arousal during lovemaking. Their lack of arousal causes difficulty ejaculating, or an inability to do so. When asked if they feel turned on, they often say they feel numb. Many men with ejaculatory difficulties feel that their penises are not their own, Apfelbaum explains, but simply instruments for pleasing women. They believe that sex has nothing to do with their own pleasure, just the woman’s. And they often express anger at, and dislike for, the women they are involved with.
Some psychologists suggest that ejaculatory difficulties signal subconscious withdrawal from the relationship. Apfelbaum disagrees. Men with ejaculatory problems are not withdrawn, he explains. They are simply too focused on the woman’s pleasure and not enough on their own. “In all my cases of ejaculatory inhibition,” he explains, “the man is a classic example of a partner unable to be selfish or responsible for his own satisfaction. He’s overly preoccupied with his partner’s satisfaction.”
Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a Washington, D.C., sex therapist and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness, agrees. Men with ejaculatory problems, he explains, often believe that they shouldn’t need a woman’s cooperation and active stimulation to become highly aroused and reach orgasm, and that arousal and ejaculation should happen automatically. These men view sex as a performance and focus on their role in the performance—“giving” the woman pleasure—over any pleasure they receive from her. Because they can raise firm erections easily, they’re unaware that they’re not turned on. They don’t understand that erection doesn’t necessarily mean arousal.
Emotional stress and distraction. Just as stress gives some men headaches and others stomachaches, on the sexual side of life, stress causes erection problems in some men and ejaculatory difficulties in others. The same range of stressors that contribute to erectile dysfunction—from relationship issues to financial woes to noisy neighbors—might also cause ejaculatory problems.
THE DRUG EFFECT
Many drugs have side effects that may delay or prevent ejaculation. The key word here is “may.” If you take any of the drugs listed here, ejaculation problems are not necessarily a given—sexual side effects are highly individual. But if you begin to develop ejaculatory difficulties within a few weeks after starting to take one of the drugs listed below, consult the doctor who wrote your prescription. It may be possible to substitute another drug, or some other treatment with less risk of sexual side effects. This list of drugs that may impair ejaculation has been adapted from an article published in the Journal of Family Practice by authors who combed the medical literature for reports of drugs with sexual side effects. Drugs frequently associated with ejaculation problems are starred (*).
Over-the-counter drugs: Aleve (pain reliever), Naprosyn (pain reliever).
Blood pressure medications (anti-hypertensives): Aldomet*, Arfonad, Catapres, Demser, Dibenzyline*, Hylorel*, Ismelin*, Minipress, Normodyne*, Reserpine*, Trandate*.
Antidepressants: Asendin, Celexa*, Desyrel*, Effexor*, Janimine*, Luvox*, Nardil*, Norpramin, Paxil*, Pertofrane, Prozac*, Surmontil, Tofranil*, Zoloft*.
Antianxiety and psychiatric medications: Anafranil*, Barbiturates*, BuSpar, Compazine, Haldol, Klonopin, Librium, Mellaril*, Mitran, Orap, Permitil, Prolixin, Serentil, Stelazine, Thorazine, Trilafon*, Valium*, Xanax*.
Other prescription drugs: Accutane (acne), Amicar (bleeding), Dolophine (heroin addiction), Fastin (obesity), Ionamin (obesity), Lioresal (muscle relaxant), Methadone (heroin addiction), Methotrexate (rheumatoid arthritis; cancer chemotherapy), Naprosyn (pain and inflammation), Naproxen (pain and inflammation), Valium (anti-anxiety, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant).
Illegal drugs: Amphetamines*, amyl nitrate, cocaine*, crack*, ecstasy (MDMA)*.
However, sex therapists often associate several particular stressors with ejaculatory difficulties:
▢Fear of rapid ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
▢Fear of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases
▢Anger at your partner
▢A fundamentalist religious background.
“It’s not just one religion,” Weston says. “I’ve seen ejaculatory problems linked with being raised very religiously Catholic, Protestant, or Jewish. It’s not the religion, but the fundamentalism that’s the issue.”
Self-consciousness is another major factor in ejaculatory problems. “Have you ever had to urinate badly, but then as you step up to a line of urinals being used by other men, you can’t?” Sugrue asks. “Some ejaculatory problems are similar. The man is so focused on coming that he can’t.”
Depression. “Mention depression,” Weston says, “and the big sex problem is loss of libido. But I see many men in therapy complaining of ejaculation problems whose underlying problem is depression. I try to treat depression without medication because so many antidepressants cause ejaculation difficulties.”
Genital and prostate problems. Infection of the urethra (urethritis) or prostate (prostatitis) can cause pain on ejaculation. If you experience this often enough, you might unwittingly train yourself not to ejaculate to avoid the pain. Antibiotics treat these infections, so see your doctor if you think you have one.
Surgery for benign prostate enlargement (BPH) often causes “retrograde ejaculation.” Emission occurs normally, but instead of semen spurting out the end of the penis, expulsion propels it backwards into the bladder. The result is dry orgasm. Semen “backfired” into the bladder mixes with urine and is eliminated during urination. This causes no ill effects. However, because the man’s urine contains semen, it may appear milkier than it did before the surgery.
Prostate, lower colon, or rectal surgery may damage the sacral nerves that control the expulsion phase of ejaculation. The result may be “numb come.” Prostate removal eliminates the gland that produces most of the fluid in semen. Assuming the man can still raise an erection, the result is dry, or almost dry, orgasm.
In rare cases, the pelvic muscles go into spasm after ejaculation, causing post-ejaculatory pain. This is another case in which you might inadvertently train yourself not to ejaculate if the pain is severe and happens often.
Neurological problems. If the nerves that control ejaculation become damaged, the result can be nonejaculation. This can occur with advanced diabetes, or with multiple sclerosis, paraplegia, or other neurological conditions.
Alcohol. Alcohol is usually associated with erection impairment, but in some men, it causes ejaculation problems.
HOW VASECTOMY AFFECTS EJACULATION
Vasectomy eliminates sperm from semen. But sperm account for only about 2 percent of the volume of semen. Vasectomy has no effect on the prostate or on the seminal vesicles, which produce the rest of semen. After vasectomy, it’s rare for a man to notice any difference in his ejaculations.
TREATMENT OF EJACULATORY DIFFICULTIES
The first step in dealing with ejaculatory problems is to consult a physician to investigate possible infections, neurological problems, pain problems, or drug side effects. If your problem is related to antidepressant medication, your doctor might prescribe Viagra to take in addition to your antidepressant. University of New Mexico researchers worked with 76 men who complained of sex problems—including trouble ejaculating—after taking the Prozac family of antidepressants (SSRIs) for an average of 2 years. They were given either a placebo or Viagra. After 6 weeks, those who took Viagra reported significantly improved ejaculation, libido, erections, and overall sexual satisfaction.
Beyond resolving medical issues, there are three basic approaches to treatment: 1) letting go of the idea that you “must” ejaculate every time you make love, 2) understanding that you’re more than a delivery boy providing sex to your lover—that you deserve to receive sexual pleasure, and 3) getting the stimulation you need to ejaculate. If self-help approaches don’t provide sufficient relief, consult a sex therapist.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO EJACULATE EVERY TIME
Most men consider ejaculation an integral part of sex, and can’t imagine making love without it. Ejaculation and orgasm are certainly enjoyable. But every now and then, it’s fine not to ejaculate, once you get used to the idea. “I’ve had men tell me, ‘If I can’t come, why bother with sex?’” Sugrue says. “Because there’s more to sex than ejaculation. I suggest they rethink sex and enjoy the rest of the experience, the sensuality, the closeness, intercourse, oral—even if they don’t come.”
Enjoyable sex without ejaculation might be hard to imagine for men who recall the “blue balls” or “lover’s nuts” of their youth. Young men often experience soreness between their legs if they become highly aroused and then don’t experience the release of ejaculation and orgasm. But the discomfort, if any, tends to diminish in middle age and beyond. Older men generally feel less urgency to ejaculate; and if they don’t, they feel less discomfort than young men do. Think of it as a stifled sneeze. A tickle in the nose that does not result in a sneeze causes momentary nasal stuffiness, but the feeling quickly fades. Similarly, a man, especially an older man, who does not ejaculate every time may initially feel that something is missing. But if he maintains focus on the give and take of whole-body sensuality, the sex can still feel enjoyable, even great.
When men experience ejaculatory difficulties, they often become quite anxious. This stress is self-defeating. It makes ejaculation less likely. Try to relax about ejaculatory problems. If you don’t come every time, it’s not the end of the world. If you’d like to ejaculate, you can probably masturbate to orgasm, perhaps by yourself, or maybe with your lover holding you, or helping. In fact, masturbating in front of your lover to show her exactly how you like to be stroked often helps resolve this problem.
LEARN TO RECEIVE PLEASURE
If your ejaculatory problems have been caused or aggravated by a delivery-boy approach to lovemaking, you need to understand that you have a perfect right to enjoy sex, to become aroused, and receive pleasure—in fact, to spend some time lying back and doing nothing but receiving pleasure. Great sex involves both give and take. Chances are you’ve been giving generously, but not receiving enough pleasure to really arouse you. If this situation has persisted for a while, you may also resent your lover for monopolizing all the pleasure. The stress engendered by such resentment may aggravate your problem.
If you think you’ve been so preoccupied with providing pleasure that you haven’t allowed yourself to receive enough to bring you to orgasm, discuss this issue with your lover—or simply show her this chapter. It’s not your fault that your lovemaking has fallen a bit out of balance. Men are socialized to believe they should orchestrate things, and that’s what you’ve been doing—you’ve just gone a little overboard with the giving. And don’t berate your lover. It’s not her fault that she hasn’t been providing you with enough stimulation. Women are still raised to follow men’s lead in sex and not take much initiative. Explain that you need to receive more pleasure, and ask her to provide it. Think carefully about what arouses you and ask specifically for that kind of stimulation. Chances are she’ll be happy to oblige. If you find it difficult to describe in words, show her, using the approach in the section “Getting the Stimulation You Need” . If you’re not sure what arouses you, consider reading For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. (see sidebar, below), a classic guide that has helped many women; and a similar, excellent book also aimed at women but helpful for men as well, Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman, Ph.D., and Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D. Becoming Orgasmic has also been turned into an instructive and erotic video (see Resources).
For women who cannot express orgasm and men who have trouble ejaculating, resolving the problem often hinges on figuring out your own conditions for enjoyable sex, not what you think you “should” feel, and not what you think your lover wants you to feel, but what actually turns you on. The biological purpose of life is to reproduce life. For men, that means ejaculation. Your body is hardwired to ejaculate. You just need to discover the conditions that allow it to happen.
FOR YOURSELF
For Yourself is the name of sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.’s, classic self-help guide that helps pre-orgasmic women learn to express orgasm. Its basic message is that each of us is responsible for our own sexual satisfaction. One partner can help create the erotic environment that allows the other to express orgasm, but no one can “give” an orgasm to anyone else. Orgasms come from deep within us, and they emerge only when we allow ourselves to experience enough deep relaxation and arousal to release them. For Yourself is aimed at women, but the message applies equally to many men with ejaculatory difficulties. Men who have difficulty reaching orgasm are similar to women with the same problem, explains Apfelbaum. They don’t orchestrate lovemaking to focus enough erotic attention on their own arousal.
YOUR SIX-STEP PLAN
Typically, men with ejaculation problems have no difficulty masturbating to orgasm. Expanding on that ability is key to resolving this problem. Here’s a six-step plan for putting that skill to good use.
1. First, masturbate with your lover watching. To heighten your arousal, it usually helps to use a sexual lubricant. Place some on your hand and stroke yourself. You may never have masturbated in front of your lover before. Both of you may feel awkward or embarrassed about this. If so, talk about it. If this is difficult—and chances are it will be—admit your discomfort. Remember, you and your partner are working together to resolve a problem that’s bothering you. Demonstrating how you enjoy masturbating not only teaches her what kinds of stimulation you need to ejaculate, it also involves self-revelation, which deepens the intimacy in your relationship and helps you feel closer and more tuned into one another. This, in turn, can contribute to resolution of your ejaculatory difficulty.
2. Once you overcome the awkwardness of masturbating in front of her, demonstrate exactly how you need to be caressed in order to come. As you do, explain the fine points of what works for you—the strokes, pressure, pace, and any little creative extras that really turn you on. Pay particular attention to the sensations you feel as you approach your point of no return—the moment of emission, when ejaculation feels inevitable. Focus on the kind of stimulation that brings you to your point of no return, because once you’re there, you’ll ejaculate.
3. After you’ve masturbated to orgasm a few times with your lover watching, take her hand in yours and show her specifically how you like your penis caressed. Let her experience providing everything that you demonstrated in step 2. Only this time, you’re doing it together. Use lubricant generously on your penis and on both her hand and yours. Coach her. Tell her which strokes you enjoy, which bring you to your point of no return.
While working with your lover, remember to breathe deeply. Deep breathing helps your nervous system relax so that the lumbar and sacral nerves can work together to trigger emission and expulsion. In addition, close your eyes and call up the fantasies that have helped you ejaculate in the past. They need not include your lover. What’s important is that you find them highly arousing. If you like, you might keep your eyes open and watch an X-rated video. Several times, over a period of a few weeks, coach your lover with your hand guiding hers until she feels comfortable stimulating you to ejaculation.
4. Next, withdraw your own hand for part of the time and begin to turn things over to her. She should stroke you in the ways she did while you were guiding her hand with yours. She might use one hand or two. If you like, she can use a masturbation sleeve, a men’s sex toy designed to simulate a woman’s vagina or mouth. Some masturbation sleeves also vibrate (see Resources). She should use lots of lubricant, and you should coach her as necessary while breathing deeply and enjoying the fantasies that turn you on. Again, practice this until she has brought you to orgasm several times over a few weeks.
5. Next, withdraw your own hand entirely, and have your lover stroke you to orgasm several times over a few weeks.
6. Finally, generalize your lover’s new understanding of what arouses you enough to ejaculate. She might try stroking your penis while sucking it, or as part of vaginal intercourse. Here, too, don’t hold back. Keep telling her what you need to become highly aroused and ejaculate.
GETTING THE STIMULATION YOU NEED
Some men can ejaculate under almost any conditions. But most men, especially men over 40, discover that the context becomes increasingly important. Certain conditions of comfort and arousal must be met for them to raise and maintain erections, and eventually ejaculate.
To trigger ejaculation, you may need a particular kind of stimulation—and you may have to ask specifically for it. You may have trouble ejaculating in certain intercourse positions and gravitate toward others. Or you might not be able to ejaculate in your lover’s vagina, and need simultaneous oral and manual stimulation to come. Don’t become alarmed. Your penis is not giving up on you. You’re fine. Instead, try to relax and accept what’s happening as a variation on normal, and as an opportunity to experiment with new sexual techniques that provide the stimulation you need to ejaculate.
Some sex therapists recommend the following techniques to help trigger ejaculation:
When masturbating, move your hips, not your hand. “Many men masturbate with their hips and penis still,” Weston explains, “while their hand moves vigorously. I often suggest that they try it lying on their sides with their hand still, and thrust into it by moving their hips, spine, and penis. This is a lot closer to intercourse, and training your masturbation style often helps you come in the vagina.”
Try the Snaky Lick Trick. This variation on oral sex involves alternating regular fellatio with the woman removing the man’s erection from her mouth, and then lightly, briefly licking the underside of his penis directly below the head before resuming standard oral carresses. In many men, this area is highly sensitive. Stimulating it often helps trigger ejaculation.
Experiment with positions. For suggestions on creative positions, rent or buy erotic videos (see Resources). The man-on-top position is usually better than woman-on-top, which typically is recommended for men who want to last longer. It’s generally more difficult for men to delay ejaculation in the man-on-top position, so it’s a good one for men with ejaculatory difficulties. Some men also find that rear entry, or doggie style, intercourse helps them come.
If you have ejaculation problems in the man-on-top position, ask your lover to close her legs so that her inner thighs provide you with extra stimulation. It usually helps to use lubricant on her inner thighs.
Involve more than just your penis. When either you or your partner is on top, she can reach down and tease or massage the area between the your scrotum and anus. In many men, this area is highly sensitive. Stimulating it may help trigger ejaculation. For many men, the anus also is highly sensitive to erotic touch. The pelvic muscles that contract during orgasm circle the anus. “Teasing or massaging the anal sphincter helps stimulate these muscles toward contraction, which helps some men ejaculate,” Sugrue explains. “And if you enjoy being anally fingered, deep fingering provides prostate massage, which can trigger powerful orgasms.” Anal massage is most comfortable with lots of lubricant. Lubricant is even more important if your lover slips a finger inside your anus. Anal play does not mean you’re gay. Both heterosexual and homosexual lovemaking involve kissing, hugging, massage, genital fondling, oral sex, and maybe anal play. Sexual moves have nothing to do with sexual orientation. For more on anal play, see chapter 11.