chapter 2

gender expression

Congratulations on getting this far! You now know a lot more than most people about gender!

So far, your Gender Quest has been a journey into what you feel like on the inside. But that of course leads to the next question: What does that mean about how I look on the outside?

As we said in chapter 1, gender expression is how people present their gender to the world. Since all sorts of things are seen as related to gender, gender expression can include how you walk, dress, talk, gesture, wear your hair—the list is endless.

This chapter will guide you in exploring the many ways gender can be expressed, how others express gender, and how you would like to express your gender. We’ll ask you to do some observations and experiments. As always, you should not do anything you feel is too unsafe or uncomfortable for you. At the same time, know that while thinking about and trying on gender expressions can be a little uncomfortable for anyone, that doesn’t mean it won’t be fun or exciting too!

my past gender adventures

When we are young, before we are taught that certain ways of dressing, talking, walking, and acting are okay and others are not, we often feel more free to experiment with different ways to look. Maybe you played dress up, put on costumes for Halloween, used markers to make “nail polish,” put a bandanna over your face to be a cowboy, used towels to make pretend hair, or wore your dad’s shirts and ties to pretend to go to work. One of the authors’ dads would put shaving cream on his kids to make it look like the white beard of an old man! Maybe you did a bunch of these things on the same day. All of this is part of the normal exploration of self-expression that all kids go through.

Try It Out!:

When you were younger, what ways did you experiment with your self-expression? List at least three times you remember experimenting with gender and what you did. Then list how you felt, and if others saw you, what that was like.

Age

What you did

How you felt

Age

What you did

How you felt

Age

What you did

How you felt

Age

What you did

How you felt

What did you think about yourself as a result of these instances?

observing gender

Now that you’re older, there may be more things you consider when expressing your gender. For example, you might wonder: What would my friends think if I did that? What would my parents say if I did that? What about other people? Is that safe for me to do? Is that even possible for me to do?

All this wondering can get very stressful! And some people may even want to abandon their Gender Quest!

But we know that if you have gotten this far, you have what it takes for a Gender Quest. And we are here to help you figure out what will be both safe and satisfying for you.

So get ready—time for your next journey!

Just like you did when you were younger, experimenting with your appearance can help you get a sense of how you are most comfortable with your gender expression. Some people might assume we’re just talking about clothes or makeup but there are actually a whole lot of ways you can play around with self-expression—especially when it comes to gender!

Try It Out!:

Where is gender? Well, once you start looking, it turns out it’s just about everywhere! Let’s see what you can find.

In chapter 1, we did some people watching to observe biological characteristics, like body shape or hairiness. This time we are going to do another half hour of people-watching to observe behaviors related to gender, such as clothes people wear, how they style their hair, whether they wear makeup or nail polish, and their body language. You can go watching anywhere you can see a lot of people—at a coffee shop, on the street, at school, or in a mall. (Just remember to blink occasionally—we don’t want your eyes drying out or anything!) You can go several places if you think you might look suspicious staying in one spot. Afterwards, answer the following questions:

What are the different things you see that go into people’s gender expression?

Focus for a little while on the people you saw as “girls” or “women.” Did all of them express gender in the same way? Write down some ways these people showed feminine, masculine, and neutral gender expressions:

Feminine:

Masculine:

Neutral:

Now let’s focus on the “boys” or “men.” Did all of them express gender in the same way? Write down some ways these people showed feminine, masculine, and neutral gender expressions:

Feminine:

Masculine:

Neutral:

Now that your eyes made it through the half hour, think back over your observations. What ways of expressing gender did you find yourself admiring? Remember, no judgment here in this book, so write as honestly as possible.

Now let’s put our heads together. Here are some forms of self-expression and style we’ve seen on people of different genders. Did we miss any? If so, fill them in below:

Many people are surprised to find the huge variety in gender expression that’s just a part of everyday life. You may have discovered guys wearing floral prints or necklaces. Or you might have seen that you don’t need to be a “guy” to have short hair or a masculine walk. Your gender expression is just that: yours.

expressing yourself beyond gender

So we know we keep saying gender is everywhere, but that doesn’t mean it is everything! When you observed people, I bet you noticed that people’s presentations can fall along a few different spectrums. Look at the different spectrums below.

Casual

Fancy

Funky

Conservative

Fashionable

Traditional

Gender-neutral

Feminine

Gender-neutral

Masculine

For example, on a Monday morning one transgender girl dresses for school in jeans and a cute sparkly T-shirt, leaves her hair long and down, wears no makeup, no jewelry, and has fun sneakers with big colorful laces. She is quiet and soft-spoken in class. She is very athletic and plays on the soccer team. So, on this Monday morning at school we might see her self-expression like this:

Casual

X

Fancy

Funky

X

Conservative

Fashionable

X

Traditional

Gender-neutral

X

Feminine

Gender-neutral

X

Masculine

Now this is just how we might see her on one Monday morning. If she changes clothes for soccer practice, or changes how loud and assertive she is when she is home with her family, we might put the Xs in different places then. Remember that just because her gender expression changes, this doesn’t mean her gender identity changes. Dressing and talking differently can only change how you appear, not who you are!

Try It Out!:

How do you think you present yourself on a typical day at school or work?

Casual

Fancy

Funky

Conservative

Fashionable

Traditional

Gender-neutral

Feminine

Gender-neutral

Masculine

At a party?

Casual

Fancy

Funky

Conservative

Fashionable

Traditional

Gender-neutral

Feminine

Gender-neutral

Masculine

On a weekend when you are hanging around at home?

Casual

Fancy

Funky

Conservative

Fashionable

Traditional

Gender-neutral

Feminine

Gender-neutral

Masculine

Now let’s think about a dream scenario. Imagine if in all of the places below, no matter how you dressed or acted, everyone would be totally accepting. If this were true, how would you like to dress and present yourself?

School:

The grocery store:

Dinner with someone you’re interested in:

Out with friends on Saturday afternoon:

A fancy event like prom or a wedding:

The gym:

A hike or bike ride:

How did you feel imagining these situations? It is natural that some thoughts came up like I’d love to but my friends would… or My mother would never let me… It is also natural to feel a whole assortment of feelings, from scared and nervous to surprised and excited.

Pick the three places above where you spend the most time, and fill them in the blanks below. Then tell us how you thought and felt about each.

When I thought about how I might dress for I thought to myself:

I felt:

Excited

Happy

Glad

Curious

Surprised

Worried

Nervous

Angry

Eager

Sad

Frustrated

Unhappy

Relieved

Joyful

Embarrassed

When I thought about how I might dress for I thought to myself:

I felt:

Excited

Happy

Glad

Curious

Surprised

Worried

Nervous

Angry

Eager

Sad

Frustrated

Unhappy

Relieved

Joyful

Embarrassed

When I thought about how I might dress for I thought to myself:

I felt:

Excited

Happy

Glad

Curious

Surprised

Worried

Nervous

Angry

Eager

Sad

Frustrated

Unhappy

Relieved

Joyful

Embarrassed

getting ready to experiment with gender

There are a lot of ways to begin to experiment with gender. First, you may wish to do some planning about when, where, and how you’d like to experiment. For example, you might like to think about trying on some makeup. When would it make sense to try this out? With whom? In what type of place?

In many places in the United States, if you are mostly seen as female, many people won’t find it unusual for you to try on a men’s dress shirt. But, if you were born male and want to try on makeup, you might get a different reaction. No matter who you are, you can find a way that is safe for you. For example, one person we know had his sister take him to buy makeup and clothes, someone else decided to start by wearing women’s clothes under his men’s clothes, another person only experimented in the privacy of his room until he told his parents, and another switched to men’s clothes and told people she was a lesbian until she was ready to tell them that she identified as genderqueer.

And since no one looks the same every day, you get a lot of chances to experiment!

Try It Out!:

First, write down a few things on the list that follows that someone might do to experiment with gender. Put them in order, from very easy and safe, to things that might really scare you. For example, some people have written the following things: use girls’ shampoo, wear men’s cologne, wear nail polish, wear jewelry, wear a tie, wear a skirt, wear a bra with stuffing, wear boys’ underwear, bind my breasts, stuff my pants, use mascara to paint on sideburns, cut my hair. Feel free to use some of these as well as to come up with some of your own.

NOTE: You do not need to do any experiments at all. We just want you to see the possibilities and where they fall on the scale for you. You get to decide what is right for you when.

Scary Scale Thing I Could Possibly Do

1 (This would be easy.)

2

3

4

5 (Pretty scary but I’d do it.)

6

7

8

9

10 (TOTALLY TERRIFYING!)

Now pick one thing that falls between 1 and 4 on the scale.

For this thing, answer the questions on the left by filling in the column on the right.

Question Example Answer Example Answer Your Answer

What would your experiment be?

Wear a men’s shirt and style my hair in a more masculine way

Put on makeup

Where would you do this?

With my friend who already knows about this, at their house

My room when my parents are out

What materials or information (if any) do you need to carry it out?

A men’s shirt and a comb

Makeup and some info on how to put it on

How will you get them?

I already have a comb. I will buy a shirt at the thrift store.

The drug store and the Internet to find out how

Who would be with you, if anyone?

My friend Jill

No one

What are some safety factors you need to consider? This is so you feel comfortable and so you aren’t accidentally outed before you’re ready.

Just make sure she knows not to tell anyone, stay in the house, don’t take pics

Go to drug store away from school. Don’t send pics to anyone. Know how to wash it off!

How long will you plan to do it?

Just an hour

20 mins to a half hour, depending on how long I have

In case you want to try some more, today or in the future, we’re giving you some extra space. Feel free to make your own sheets as your experiments continue.

Question Experiment #2 Experiment #3 Experiment #4

What would your experiment be?

Where would you do this?

What materials or information (if any) do you need to carry it out?

How will you get them?

Who would be with you, if anyone?

What are some safety factors you need to consider? This is so you feel comfortable and so you aren’t accidentally outed before you’re ready.

How long will you plan to do it?

before jumping in the pool

Before we go any further into actually doing any gender experiments, we want you to think about swimming. Why swimming?!

Well, think about times you’ve gone swimming. In that moment right before you get in the pool where you have to decide whether or not you even want to, what might you think about? How cold the water is? How hot or chilly you are?

And, now, think about how you get in. Are you a “cannonball off the diving board” person? Or a “take an hour to wade in” person? One thing is probably true: you stick your hand or toes in first, to see what you’re getting yourself into.

We want you to think of getting started in your gender experiment as “getting in the water.”

Try It Out!:

Think about the first gender experiment you just picked.

How much do you want to “jump in” right away?

1 5 10Not much, I’d actuallyI can’t wait onelike to wait awhilemore second!

What makes you want to “jump in” quickly?

What makes you want to “wade in” or even stay out of the water for now?

What’s the water “like”? How inviting or unfriendly would your family, friends, school, or workplace be for your experiment?

1 5 10Very dangerous No one would careInviting!

NOTE: Some folks have supportive waters to dive into, others do not. If you fear that your experiments might bring some bad consequences to you, it is wise to consider this before jumping into a frozen lake. Only you can decide what is safe for you and what is not. If you feel unsure, try to find a supportive adult who can help you figure out how you can continue your gender journey safely.

putting it all together!

Tell us your thoughts on these three factors when it comes to your first experiment: how much you feel like you want to jump in, what makes you think about wading in, and how friendly the water is.

Example: I can’t wait to try out wearing makeup. It is a little scary so maybe I just want to try some blush in private. I think my family might be a little freaked out and I’m not ready to tell them. So, I’ll keep things private for now until I do some experiments and figure out what I really need.

If you think that the water would be very uninviting for this particular experiment or you say that you really need to go slow and wade in, respect that in yourself! Even if you’re feeling really excited to jump in, you can still take your time to plan an experiment that you feel ready to do. If you got here and you don’t feel ready for any reason to do what you wrote about above, go back to Try It Out!: Planning Your First Experiment and see if there is something else you can choose that is lower on the Scary Scale. Work through the exercises on that page up to here thinking about that experiment and see if you feel ready for the next section.

let’s go swimming!

If you’ve chosen an experiment, decided there is a way you can do it that is safe, and you feel ready, well then, it’s time to go ahead and try it!

Try It Out!:

First, look back at the plan you made earlier. Is there anything you would like to change about your plan now that you’re thinking about actually doing it? If so, that’s fine; it is your experiment after all.

Are you ready? Okay, go ahead, we’ll wait…

Well, what happened? We’re all waiting to hear! How did your experiment go? How did you feel? Were you excited? Anxious? Happy? Was your experiment more good than bad? Or more bad than good?

What did you learn about yourself?

What did you learn about other people?

What worked well?

What do you wish you could have done differently?

What would you want to try next time?

what’s next?

You may have learned that something you tried just wasn’t for you. You may have learned that you just loved the thing you tried. Most likely, you felt a mix of things. What you do next is up to you. But, we suggest you try a few of these experiments—even if you think it is something you might not like that much! The point is to learn as much as you can about yourself.

As you do your experiments, you may find that you wish to incorporate some of them into your everyday life. This might mean changing your walk, your clothes, the way you talk, or other things. You may choose to start shaving your face more carefully, painting your nails, cutting your hair short, or wearing a tight sports bra or binder to flatten your chest. For many young people, these are satisfying and exciting changes that really represent who they are. 
TIP: For folks who decide they would like to present in a different way to their family, or at school or work, new questions can come up about things like asking others to use different pronouns or a different name. If these questions are coming up for you, be sure to read more about these decisions in chapters 3, 4, and 5.

permanent changes

The changes we’ve been talking about so far are things that you can try and see how you like them. By doing these experiments, you learn about how you react to change and how it feels to present yourself in the world with different gender expressions.

There are also permanent changes to your body that some—but not all—people find are necessary to feeling happy and healthy. These are sometimes called gender-affirming procedures, medical interventions, or “sex change” procedures.

Figuring out if, how, and when to make permanent decisions requires a lot more thought, planning, and time. For example, some things you might consider include:

  • How would this change impact my safety?
  • Can I afford this change?
  • How would this change impact my relationships?
  • Is this the best time in my life for this change?
  • How would this change impact my mental health?
  • Will this change impact my ability to attend school or work?
  • How would this change impact my physical health?

These are obviously major choices. Because of that, most people don’t make these choices alone or quickly. In fact, in order to get many medical interventions, the old medical guidelines said that you had to talk to a psychologist and wait at least a year before going ahead with permanent changes. The guidelines have changed a bit now because these rules didn’t fit well for everyone and actually offended or hurt some people. But even though some permanent changes can happen now without talking specifically to a psychologist or waiting for exactly one year, we still think it is extremely helpful to talk with people you trust and to take time to think and plan when it comes to making permanent changes.

That said, we think it is your right to have as much information as possible about what all of the options are for changing gender expression. So here are some basics.

for youth before puberty

hormone or puberty “blockers”

Puberty consists of changes in the body that occur between childhood and adulthood. It can be described by stages, called “Tanner Stages.” Sometimes doctors prescribe medications to young people that prevent the production of the masculinizing or feminizing hormones that make changes to the body at puberty. For example, a body with ovaries (assigned female at birth) on hormone blockers would not develop breasts or wider hips or have a period. A body with testes (assigned male at birth) on hormone blockers would not develop facial hair, larger muscles, a taller stature, or a deeper voice. These medications are sometimes prescribed to transgender youth to prevent young people who have not yet been through puberty from developing physical changes that don’t match their identity.

Hormone or puberty blockers are often prescribed at the very beginning of puberty, or “Tanner Stage II.” Puberty blockers are medications that are given either in the muscle, under the skin, or over the course of one or two years with an implant (a small rod put under the skin in the upper arm). They are very expensive and only sometimes covered by insurance.

There are pictures that can help you find where you are in your puberty, if it has already started. Look at the diagrams and see if you can find where your body is. If you are at Tanner Stage II, it is possible that puberty blockers could be prescribed for you by a specialist for transgender youth. If you are already in Tanner Stage IV or V, the puberty blockers won’t be able to take away the changes of puberty, but they may still be recommended to prevent further progression of puberty.

for people after puberty

to appear in a more feminine way:

Hair Removal: Some people who wish to appear more feminine decide to get electrolysis (permanent) or to wax (temporary) to remove facial and body hair. There are not many risks to these procedures and they are not invasive (but can be painful!).
Feminizing Hormones: There are several different hormones that when taken together act as “feminizing hormones.” They soften skin, redistribute fat, and encourage the growth of breasts. They may also shrink testicles (“balls”), stop body hair growth, and decrease muscle mass. Some people say they experience more mood swings and others do not. These hormones cannot take away facial hair or raise your voice. Some of these changes will go away if you stop hormones, but others, like breast growth, will be permanent. Important: If you take feminizing hormones, you may lose some or all of your fertility. That is, you may become less able to make someone pregnant. However, you should never count on feminizing hormones for birth control, as pregnancies have happened while on hormones.
Genital Surgery: Some people pursue surgeries to make their genitals more feminine. You might have heard of this as a “sex change operation” or “gender reassignment surgery.” The surgery to create a vagina is called a vaginoplasty. These surgeries are usually quite successful in changing the appearance in the ways desired. However, any surgery has serious risks. In addition, these surgeries can be expensive and require a long time to recover.
Plastic Surgery: There are a wide variety of other procedures designed to make the face and body appear more feminine, such as breast enlargement or making the “Adam’s apple” smaller (called a tracheal shave).

to appear in a more masculine way:

Masculinizing Hormones: The main masculinizing hormone is testosterone (sometimes called “T” or “test”). Those who take it generally become more muscular, grow facial and body hair, and experience a lower voice. They also experience shifts in body fat distribution, an end to menstruation, and clitoral growth (the clitoris, a part of your genitals, gets bigger). Testosterone does not make breasts go away, or cause someone to grow a penis. If you stop taking testosterone, the voice changes, clitoral growth, and facial hair do not go away but other changes may. Important: if you take testosterone, you may lose some of your fertility. That is, you may become less able to get pregnant, but this is not always true. However, you should never count on testosterone for birth control as you can get pregnant. Use protection (birth control) if you are sexually active. It is very important to not get pregnant while you are on testosterone, as the testosterone will affect the growing baby. Some transgender males have had healthy pregnancies after stopping testosterone.
Chest Surgery: Some people also pursue surgery to create a more masculine-looking chest. Some people call this “chest reconstruction surgery,” “top surgery,” or “chest surgery.” These surgeries are usually quite successful in changing the appearance in the ways desired. Usually, visible scars from this surgery are permanent. This procedure can also be expensive and take a long time to recover from.
Genital Surgery: Some also decide to have surgery to make their genitals appear more masculine. This might be called “bottom surgery” or “genital reconstruction surgery.” There are a variety of procedures that can be pursued, with different changes in appearance and side effects for each. No current surgeries can create something that looks and functions fully like a penis, but some surgeries can elongate the genitals to look more like a penis, and/or create a way for someone to pee standing up. As we said above, any surgery has serious risks. In addition, these procedures can be extremely expensive and take a long time to recover from.

for anyone considering medical interventions

Because these “medical interventions” are what gets talked about the most, many young people who discover that their gender is different from their peers’ believe that this is their only option. We disagree. There are many young people we’ve worked with who have discovered that their gender identity and expression is perfect without any medical intervention at all! Hormones or other interventions do not make you any more of a “real” man or woman. Listen to these people’s stories:

Lucia is eighteen and grew up as a girl. When she got to college, she discovered that her preferred gender expression was really masculine. She began to talk to other people who felt the same way, and were changing their pronouns and taking hormones. She thought this was what she’d need to do too until she met a woman who identified as a “stud” on her rugby team. She realized that being sporty, wearing masculine clothes, and dating women didn’t mean she needed hormones or surgeries to be able to be herself. She continues to dress in a more masculine way.

Jake also grew up as a girl, but always felt like a “tomboy.” Then one day Jake discovered what it meant to be transgender. After going through a lot of experimentation, and talking with a therapist and his family, Jake changed his name and gender on his driver’s license. At first he thought he might want to take testosterone for bigger muscles, but he is a singer so he didn’t want his voice to change. He wasn’t sure he wanted facial hair either. He thinks he might want top surgery one day but can’t afford it now, so instead he wears sports bras to make his breasts appear small. Most of his friends are able to accept him as a male and this feels good to him.

Other people do find hormones or surgery necessary to feel comfortable. For these people, figuring out what interventions to have, when to have them, and how to get them are still big decisions. Each intervention carries its own unique set of considerations, including costs, risks, outcomes, recovery time, the availability of surgeons or other providers, and so on. Also, the interventions that are available are changing rapidly as doctors find new ways of working with transgender people and transgender youth in particular. Therefore, we strongly encourage anyone considering medical interventions to carefully research all of the updated options available, talk to medical doctors and surgeons who are experienced at providing those interventions, and talk to therapists who have experience working with transgender people if they need support while sorting it all out.

Try It Out!:

That was a lot of information to take in about what permanent changes are possible when it comes to gender expression! Many people aren’t sure what would fit for them when faced with all of the options. So let’s do some more Gender Questing!

Imagine yourself in your ideal dream body. What would this body look like? Either draw a picture or create a collage here. (For a collage you can cut out images from magazines, or newspapers, or use images you print from online.)

Is your body today different from your dream body? We bet you said yes. How did we know? Is it because you are reading this book? Nope! It’s actually because just about everyone in the whole world wishes they could change their body in some way. Some people want to change their weight, their height, the size of their nose, the color of their skin, the type of hair they have, how hairy they are, how straight their teeth are…and on and on.

Some of these things relate to gender and some of these things do not. Some of these things are permanent changes and some of these things are not. Some of these things are possible and some, unfortunately, are not.

Look back at your picture. In what ways would your body have to change to be like this dream body?

What feelings come up when you look at this list?

Sometimes it can feel good to dream about changes. But sometimes, when changes seem out of reach, or are for sure impossible, it can be quite sad, frustrating, discouraging, or other not very pleasant emotions. In moments when you feel those things, remember that you are not alone. All of us authors have had those feelings about our bodies. We are happy and healthy people today despite those feelings. We know you can be too.

Now for the next step: If you wrote any things down that are permanent changes related to your gender expression, circle them. Maybe you don’t even need to move your pen—there are no circles at all. Maybe you just ran out of ink circling everything.

If you did end up circling some things, keep reading this chapter. If you didn’t circle anything, you can read the rest of this chapter if you’re curious, but you might also decide to move on to chapter 3.

what to do if you are considering permanent changes

So here it is: What if you decide you want to make some permanent changes?

Well, a big question requires a pretty long answer. So here we go:

First, we strongly recommend that anyone considering medical interventions speak with a medical provider who has worked with other transgender and gender expansive youth. They can provide you with up-to-date, reliable medical information about what interventions are available for you specifically (and this is information you can’t actually get online). If you don’t know of someone in your area, and don’t know where to start looking, check out the online list of resources.

We also suggest that if at all possible, you work with a therapist trained in working with transgender and gender expansive youth. These folks can be very helpful as you fully explore pros and cons, the risks and benefits of the different options. They can also help you access medical interventions that you might not otherwise be able to get. Again, if you don’t know of a therapist in your area, and don’t know where to start looking, check out the list of resources available at the website for this book.

Finally, we think it’s wise to do some of your own information gathering on the options that interest you. You can gather information in many places; the most common are websites, books, films, and asking other transgender people. BUT (yes, that’s a big “but”), as you do this, we want you to keep in mind the following:

final note

When it comes to permanent changes like hormones or surgeries, many doctors, therapists, and parents want young people to wait until they are at least eighteen to decide what they want. For those who really need these changes, it can feel overwhelming and cruel to wait!

If you are one of these people who feel like you are pulling your hair out waiting, here are some things you might consider.

summary

After reviewing this chapter you may decide that you want to do a lot more gender experimenting. We encourage you to do so! You can do this at a pace that you think is right for you. You can even keep a journal of gender experiments. For each one, you can create a plan using the questions in Try It Out!: Planning Your First Experiment, Try It Out!: Testing the Water, and Try It Out!: Your Gender Experiment.

If you found out that you might also want to make some permanent changes, we can’t emphasize enough how important it is to find a medical provider and therapist who can help you in achieving your goals.