chapter 3

family

Having explored your gender identity and expression a bit more, you get that while gender is a personal thing, it also influences your interpersonal relationships.

Often some of the most lasting and important relationships we have (for good or for bad!) are with our family members. When we say family member, we usually mean parents, caregivers, siblings, and other relatives. Ideally these people love and support us no matter what gender identity or expression we have. But just like gender is more complicated than its standard definition, relationships with family members are more complicated than images you see with all family members happy and holding hands. (Who would really want to walk around like that all the time anyway?!)

All people usually find that their families are more supportive of some parts of who they are and how they express themselves than other parts. For example, someone we know feels like she is much louder and more extroverted than her family members, and that she doesn’t quite fit in her family in this way. Another person is not allowed to bring his boyfriend to his house because his parents don’t like that he is dating another boy.

Depending on how your gender identity and expression fits with your family members’ ideas about gender, you may be wondering: So…do I have to talk to my family about this stuff? or Is it even possible to get my family member to understand my gender?

Quick answers:

No, you don’t have to tell anyone anything. The important thing is that you make the best decision for yourself. Some people choose to come out and tell their families everything about their sense of gender. Others decide the timing isn’t right, or that they only want to discuss some things with certain family members, or that their gender experiences will be something that they don’t share at all with family. In this chapter, we’ll talk about how to make these decisions and how to have conversations if you’d like.

Yes, it is possible to help family members better understand your gender. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean you have a lot of control over their thoughts or feelings. (We’re still working on a machine for that!) But it does mean that there are some resources and strategies that can be helpful. So we’ll also talk more about this later in the chapter.

sharing your gender with family members

When a person’s gender identity does not match how others see them, some people choose to come out and tell others. And even when a person feels their gender identity is consistent with how others see them, but their gender expression needs to change, this can bring up pressure to come out and talk to others. Having these conversations with family members can be one of the scariest parts of exploring gender. Actually, thinking about doing it is usually the scariest. It’s kind of like a roller coaster in that way—just before it starts down that first hill is when people are most afraid.

What do people worry about before the coming out roller coaster takes its plunge? They may fear being rejected, being beaten up, losing relationships, losing respect, being kicked out of their house, being laughed at, or being told they are crazy. These fears make sense because some transgender and gender expansive people do experience these things. However, many do not. Often, coming out means there are some adjustments and changes in family relationships, but not a total loss of relationships. In fact, the relationship changes that take place can sometimes be positive, and increase how honest and close a person feels in their family relationships.

So with all of these possible reactions, how can anyone know how their family would react?

family openness

Amina has recently figured out that what has been making her feel different all of these years is that she is actually transgender. She wants to socially transition to female, but her family doesn’t know what is going on with her. They think she is just depressed and they still think of her as Rasheed. Amina remembers getting in trouble when she was young for trying on her mom’s clothes and high heels. Her parents explained to her very clearly that boys don’t do that and that it’s not normal. Since then, Amina has hidden all of her feminine feelings and expressions from her parents. Even though a lot of time has passed, Amina remembers her parents’ reaction and worries that their reaction to her news of being transgender will be even worse.

Each family has different beliefs, values, and feelings that influence how openly they might react to learning more about your gender identity and expression. Let’s take some time to look at how open your family may be. Keep in mind that, even if you don’t feel like your family is very open right now, this can change over time. Just like most of us needed time to learn about and adjust to the idea of different gender identities and expressions, and just like we had a lot of thoughts, questions, and complicated feelings as we explored gender, many families need time to learn and adjust as well.

Try It Out!:

Take some time to think about and answer these questions:

First, who would you consider your immediate family?

Even in one family, different people can have really different feelings and attitudes about things. Let’s look at your different family members’ feelings or attitudes around areas of diversity in general, such as race, religion, ability, and social class. For each family member you named above, write down how you think they react to issues of diversity in some or all of these areas.

What messages have you have received from these different family members about LGBT people?

What messages have you received from each family member about transgender or gender expansive people in particular?

Oftentimes different family members have different levels of knowledge about gender diversity. For each immediate family member, write what you think their level of knowledge is.

Just like we each face outside pressures to think and act certain ways regarding gender, so did each of your family members! As you can imagine (since you’ve probably experienced this yourself), a family member could even be pulled in different directions by these different influences.

The mom of a seventeen-year-old just learned that her daughter feels like a boy and identifies as transgender. She is confused by all of the different feelings she is experiencing. This mom is a liberal Democrat, African American, and the daughter of a Baptist minister. The liberal part of her believes in equality for all and feels like she should be able to easily accept her child for who she (or he) is. The part of her who was raised by her Baptist minister father questions whether being transgender is really right and believes that God doesn’t make mistakes. She also worries about how her African American friends and community will look at her differently if they find out. She loves her child and at the same time wonders if she will be able to accept this.

For each person you named in your family, write about the different forces that might shape their attitudes about gender diversity:

Your answers to these questions may help you understand how open your family members are to gender diversity. For most people, family members’ attitudes are not completely negative or completely positive, but fall somewhere in between.

The thing about attitudes, beliefs, and knowledge is that they all change over time. In fact, research shows us we all change our minds a lot more than we think. For instance, I bet you know someone (surely not yourself!) who has been head over heels in love with someone one week and then the next week, they are…well…over it. Well, that’s how it goes with our thoughts and feelings. They change way more than we expect them to.

This is usually a good thing when it comes to family attitudes about gender diversity. For many people, the openness of family members gets more positive over time. Sometimes the progress goes in a jagged line—two steps forward, one step back, and so on. Sometimes the progress goes painfully slowly. Sometimes people can change attitudes pretty quickly. It all depends on a lot of factors, including those influences you wrote about above.

conversations with family members

First things first. If you feel that you may not be safe in your home as a result of sharing more about your gender with your family, you probably want to hit the pause button and do some thinking, planning, and talking with any trustworthy adults you can find. For example, sometimes coming out right away is just not an option (like if you are likely to face violence, homelessness, or other serious dangers as a result). Therefore, some people decide to wait until they are older and have more independence before coming out to their family. Others are able to make some plans with those trusted adults that they’ve talked with so that they can come out while knowing they will be safe. It is up to you to decide how and when it is wise to have any conversations about your gender with your family members.

If you’ve decided that talking to your family members is something you’d like to consider further, you might not be sure where to start. For example, coming out is a process that involves talking with many different people in your life. With all of these conversations, you might wonder: Can’t I just get a big loudspeaker and say it to everyone at once?! But actually, it may be helpful to think about the different considerations for telling each person in your family.

Saanvi has thought long and hard about how and if she should tell her family about her gender identity. She worries that her dad will be especially angry because he doesn’t seem to have positive feelings about LGBT people. On the other hand, Saanvi wonders if she and her dad may be able to bond more if she is being honest about her feelings. Besides, Saanvi thinks that even if her dad is angry, once her dad talks to her mom, he will probably just go with what her mom says. That’s what happened when Saanvi’s cousin came out as gay. Saanvi’s dad first reacted negatively, but after talking with Saanvi’s mom, he has just stayed quiet. And Saanvi’s mom is supporting her cousin…so Saanvi wonders if maybe she should talk to her mom first?

Try It Out!:

Here are some of the questions you may ask yourself:

Are there family members you believe to be most likely to understand what you want to tell them about your gender?

Are certain family members more likely to tell other family members you aren’t ready to tell?

Are there certain family members that you want to tell soon? Why?

Are there certain family members you are definitely not ready to tell? Why?

After those questions, you may have some ideas about where to start. Keep in mind that there is no one right way to talk to your family members. For example, it is okay for you to tell one person at a time, or to tell everyone at one time. You should decide what is right for you based on what you think will be the best for you and your relationships.

Try It Out!:

For each family member who you wish to talk to, answer the following questions:

What exactly would you want to have this person understand about you and your gender identity and expression?

What words, language, and approach do you think will be best to get this person to understand this message?

It helps if you can anticipate concerns or questions the person may have. What do you think they might worry about or be confused about?

What things can you communicate to your family member to address the concerns or confusions you named above?

In talking to this family member, what would be the best-case scenario?

In talking to this family member, what would be the worst-case scenario?

When having conversations to help family members better understand your gender, you may feel that you need to say everything perfectly. That is simply too much pressure for one conversation. Remember, if they ask questions you don’t know the answer to, or respond in a way that feels bad, or if you don’t get across what you want them to understand, that’s okay. Just because you’ve bravely gone on a Gender Quest doesn’t mean you need to be the Gender Professor for everyone! You can always say you want to pause the conversation and talk about it more another time. In the meantime, it may be a good idea to tell your family members about any resources where they can learn more themselves (look in the list of resources at the website for this book). And then give yourself a pat on the back for being brave enough to try to talk with them.

bumps in the road toward acceptance

Oftentimes, people who are getting ready to talk to their families about their gender imagine only the worst-case scenarios, like being rejected, being kicked out of the house, or being told they are sick or crazy. But these conversations are often not as big of a disaster as is imagined; some even go really well. Therefore, we recommend that you, as the saying goes, “expect the best and plan for the worst.” Let’s think about the potential difficult things that might come up so you can get through any rough spots more smoothly.

Try It Out!:

For each of the worst-case scenarios you named above, list the supports you could use if needed (such as friends, LGBTQ people in person or online, staff at your school, or a therapist):

In these scenarios, what are things you could do to keep yourself both emotionally and physically safe (such as disclose your gender identity in a letter or in a public place, or identify a place you can go after the disclosure)?

How much do you rely on your family for your physical needs—food, a place to live, and so on? If there is any risk you might not get these things from your family for a while, who else might be able to provide support?

How much do you rely on your family for your emotional needs—feeling self-confident and hopeful? If some members of your family are struggling to accept your gender identity, whom could you turn to for support?

Is there any chance that you might not be physically safe after talking to your family? If so, what plans might you make or supports might you turn to in order to stay safe?

For many people, family is whom we rely on. Since family members may take time to adjust and understand what you are telling them, it is helpful to make sure you have other supports first. Then even if your family is totally accepting, outside support is just a great bonus!

What can you do and whom can you turn to if difficult challenges arise?

Talking to family members about your gender is an act that requires a lot of energy and courage. This deserves to be celebrated! List some ways in which you can celebrate after your conversations, no matter how they go:

Finally, remind yourself that your family members have experienced the same rigid rules around gender as you did before your Gender Quest. Therefore, they most likely will need their own time to understand and accept your gender if it doesn’t fit into their current understanding. Your family members’ initial reactions probably won’t represent their attitudes and beliefs over time.

That said, as understanding as you are about your family’s need for time, it of course won’t stop any negative words and actions from being hurtful! In many instances, with support from other people in your life and some strong coping skills (like those in chapter 8, Dealing with the Hard Stuff), people can keep themselves doing okay even when their family is in the early stages of adjusting. There are some times though when being patient with family isn’t the right choice. Hopefully this isn’t true for you, but if you are experiencing violence at home, it’s time to do something! Speak to a teacher, school counselor, therapist, doctor, or police officer about what’s happening—they can help you figure out how to get to a safer situation.

expressing what you need in family relationships

Aiden cringes as his mom calls him down for dinner by saying, “Nicole, come downstairs!” Aiden has told his mom about his feelings about his gender, knowing that even though he was born with what people think of as a girl’s body, he really is a boy. His mom has noticed his masculine clothing and regularly encourages Aiden to dress in a more feminine way. Every time Aiden’s mom comments on his clothing, uses his given female name or pronouns, or emphasizes what a “pretty girl” he is, Aiden feels like screaming! He wishes that his mom could see who he really is and love him as her son, rather than her daughter.

Like we’ve been saying, family members often need their own time to learn and adjust to new ways of thinking about your gender. While your family members need their own space in doing that, your feelings are important too!

Try It Out!:

What do you need from your family members during periods of adjustment to feel safe and valued?

Sometimes when people talk about gender diversity, family members are able to accept the “idea,” but struggle with doing things differently, like using a different name, switching between “he” and “she,” or not reacting in negative ways to changes in dress or hair. Your family may do or say things during this time that are hurtful to you without wanting to do this or even realizing that they have. It may be helpful for you to talk with your family about the effect their actions are having on you. For example, if you can talk to them about how it feels each time they use your birth name or pronouns, they may be more likely to put effort into changing. If you find that these types of conversations do not seem to go well, family therapy may be a helpful option for you. If possible, find a therapist who has experience working with transgender and gender expansive people so they can be most helpful to you and your family. (See chapter 8, Dealing with the Hard Stuff, for tips about finding a therapist.)

summary

Both preparing for and actually talking to your family about your gender can be daunting, exciting, stressful, wonderful, difficult, powerful, exhausting, a huge relief—and possibly all of these at the same time. Whether or not you are thinking about talking or taking steps toward it, be sure to give yourself credit for all the energy and courage you are showing! And finally, remember to use the supportive people you have in your life wherever you can find them—in your family or outside!