chapter 4

school and work

When your gender doesn’t fit other people’s expectations, it can sometimes bring up challenges at school or work. For example, some people who express gender differently have faced bullying or discrimination in these settings. As you figure out how you wish to express gender at your school or at work, let’s discuss some tips that may be helpful in overcoming any challenges that arise.

advocating for yourself

In the past year, Aaliyah came out to her foster parents as transgender and is beginning her social transition to female. She is starting high school in a couple months and wants to start in her new school as a girl. Her foster parents know about this, and are okay with it, but they are still having a hard time fully accepting Aaliyah’s female identity, still sometimes calling her by her birth name. Aaliyah wonders about how to handle the school situation and doesn’t feel like her foster parents are ready to help her with it. She has tons of questions and is not sure where to start. Will the teachers be able to call her Aaliyah? Will she be bullied? What bathroom should she use? Whom should she talk to about all this?

While many people worry about being accepted at school or work, not everyone has problems. Nevertheless, it can be good to know how to advocate for yourself.

As unfair as it is, the truth is that young people and people of marginalized groups (such as racial minorities or people with disabilities, as well as transgender and gender expansive people) have extra hurdles to overcome when having their voice heard. First, it can be harder to speak up for yourself if you haven’t had many opportunities in the past to be empowered and use your voice. Second, it can be harder to get the people around you who are in power (such as school or college administrators, or bosses at work) to listen and respect your perspective when you are young or of a minority status.

Therefore, when advocating for yourself, it can be very helpful to have others, either a group of peers or other adults, who are able to support you in communicating. Having these other people saying what you’re saying acts almost like a microphone—making your voice louder so more people can hear it.

middle, junior, and high school

Some youth find that parents and caregivers are best able to help them communicate to other adults at school. If parents and caregivers are supportive of your needs and can echo what you are saying to the teachers and administrators at school, your voice is more likely to be heard. Other young people find it too hard to speak to their parents, or find that their parents or caregivers aren’t able to support them in this way. If this is the case, don’t fret! There are some other ways to get your voice heard.

For young people, if you do find that you need extra support from outside your family, one place to start is to find out if your school has a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) or some other organization that is supportive to gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender students. If your school does have a GSA, consider joining it. There, you can get support from other students like you, and possibly connect with the teacher who facilitates the group. This person can be an important source of support and information at your school. If your school does not have a GSA, it may be helpful to find a supportive teacher or school counselor who can understand your perspective. Keep your eyes peeled and your ears open for any signs that a teacher or school counselor may be gender-friendly, such as a safe zone sticker or discussion of sexual orientation or gender identity in class. If you are unable to find a person to help you advocate inside the school, you can also look for a supportive therapist or organization outside of the school system. You can search online for therapists and LGBTQ youth centers in your area to see if you can connect with someone who understands your needs.

college

For people in college, similar resources may exist to connect with peers who support you in advocating for yourself, such as campus LGBTQ groups. In addition, it may be helpful to make contact with the Student Support Services on the campus you have chosen. You can do so even before you actually arrive on campus if you like. Representatives in these offices are there to help all students with personal and unique needs. Student support staff can help you think about the specific gender-related challenges you may face on their campus and also what resources may be available to help you with your adjustment to college. They may be able to suggest ways for you to connect with other transgender, gender expansive, or LGBTQ students, which could give you a sense of community at the school.

at work

Similarly, finding the appropriate person or people to help you advocate for yourself at work can be very helpful. In work settings, supervisors and Human Resources personnel set the tone and expectations for how employees are treated. For this reason, it can be helpful to discuss your needs or concerns with your supervisors. If your supervisor is unable or unwilling to assist you, speak to the people in Human Resources. While you may need to do some work to educate your supervisor or Human Resources personnel about transgender issues first, getting their backing can be a huge advantage. When a workplace takes an official stance, other employees will often fall in line.

However, we shouldn’t ignore the powerful role that workers can have when they speak together. Some large organizations have LGBTQ groups. If yours does, this can be a fantastic resource. If not, consider whether you have any potential allies among your coworkers. Also consider speaking with people in LGBTQ groups at outside organizations to see how things are handled in other workplaces.

Try It Out!:

Who are the possible people in leadership at your school or workplace that might be able and willing to help you navigate any issues related to gender in your school or work settings?

Who are the people outside your school or workplace that might assist you in advocating for yourself?

Are there peers at school or work who could be helpful in your efforts?

Once you identify who might be helpful to you in advocating for yourself, you have to communicate with them about what is going on and what you need or want from them. Depending on whom you are asking, this might be super easy, or very difficult, or somewhere in between. However, it is always helpful to have a good idea of what you want to communicate. In the following spaces, write each potential supporter’s name. Then consider what will be important for you to tell them by answering the questions under their names. (Feel free to do this for more than three people even though we only have three spaces here.)

Name:

What do you want to make sure they know about what has been going on for you?

What do you want or need for them to do to help? (If you aren’t sure what would help yet, sometimes what you need is for them to just help you brainstorm what you and they can do together.)

Name:

What do you want to make sure they know about what has been going on for you?

What do you want or need for them to do to help?

Name:

What do you want to make sure they know about what has been going on for you?

What do you want or need for them to do to help?

Here are some tips for getting ready to advocate for yourself:

Now hopefully you have some ideas about who can assist you with any challenges you face at school or work, and how you can go about getting this support. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.

Now let’s address some of the more common challenges gender expansive and transgender people have faced at school or work and see what others have done or found helpful.

name and pronouns

When your gender doesn’t line up with the box the doctor checked for you at birth, the name and pronouns (such as he/him and she/her) that you were assigned or given may not match the way you feel on the inside. Many gender expansive and transgender people choose names and pronouns for themselves that are a better fit. (Later in this section you’ll find a chart with some different options for pronouns you might choose.) It is sometimes difficult at first for other people to switch and use different pronouns or names if they’ve used other terms before, or to call us by something that doesn’t seem to fit with their binary understanding of gender. But you still have the right to ask people to refer to you as you choose, and expect that they will do so, even if it’s difficult for them at first.

What name(s) have you considered using during your gender journey?

Which name do you currently prefer to be called?

Have you already asked people at school or work to use this name? If not, how ready do you feel to ask these people to use your chosen name? Circle the response that most closely matches your feelings:

1

Not ready at all. I’m not sure if that’s the name I will stick with, or I am not that sure if I am ready to ask others to call me by that name.

2

I have definite hesitations.

3

Not sure. I have mixed feelings about asking people to use this name.

4

Almost there!

5

Totally ready! That is the only name I will answer to.

The chart below shows a few gender-binary and gender-neutral pronoun options.

Gender Subject Object Possessive Adjective Possessive Pronoun Reflexive

Binary

She

Her

Her

Hers

Herself

Binary

He

Him

His

His

Himself

Neutral

They

Them

Their

Theirs

Themself

Neutral

Ze

Zir/Hir

Zir/Hir

Zirs/Hirs

Zirself/Hirself

Neutral

E

Em

Eir

Eirs

Emself

What pronoun(s) do you believe fit you best and respect your gender identity?

Have you already asked people at school or work to use these pronouns for you? If not, how do you think they would respond if you asked them to use the pronouns that affirm your gender?

If you are planning to ask others to refer to you by a different name and pronoun than they are used to or than is printed on your legal documents, it may be helpful to refer to the section Advocating for Yourself at the beginning of this chapter. Think about who the people in leadership are in your school or work environment, as well as the other support people you identified. For example, if you believe it could be helpful, you could have a guidance counselor at your school speak to other teachers about how it is appropriate to refer to you in class; or you could have Human Resources personnel at your workplace speak with your boss or any employees who are having difficulty referring to you appropriately at work; or you might speak to the registrar at your college to figure out how to have your chosen name and pronouns listed on transcripts, ID cards, or course rosters.

bathrooms, locker rooms, and uniforms

As Demarco started middle school and as boys and girls seemed to become more and more separated, his feelings of being different from his peers became more difficult for him. He has spent the last several months exploring his gender and has found that he likes a lot of things that are considered feminine, such as makeup and the colors pink and purple. He doesn’t feel like he is a girl, but that he just wants to be free to be whomever he is, whether that is masculine or feminine, and however that might differ from day to day. Since he has started to express a wider range of gender, he has felt more and more uncomfortable being grouped with the boys in school, especially in the bathrooms and locker rooms where he sometimes worries about getting bullied.

When your gender assigned at birth does not match with how you feel on the inside, it is often uncomfortable and upsetting to be forced into spaces and behaviors that ignore your gender identity. This can happen when it comes to bathrooms, locker rooms, and uniforms. For example, think about a student who was assigned a female gender at birth but identifies as a boy and has a very masculine gender expression. When this boy is forced to wear female uniforms, forced to use the female bathrooms, and to change in the female locker rooms, it can be really uncomfortable for him. Some schools and states have policies or laws that say that transgender and gender expansive youth must be able to use facilities in line with their gender identities. Sometimes this means allowing a transgender or gender expansive person to use a gender-neutral bathroom or a nurse’s or coach’s office to change for gym class. Other times it means allowing a person to use the bathrooms and locker rooms that fit their gender identity. While some schools and workplaces will be very responsive to what you prefer, this isn’t true everywhere. If it’s not true for you at your school or workplace, you might try using the advocacy skills you learned above to try to get things changed.

Are there things at school that force you into gender spaces and behaviors that are uncomfortable (for example, bathrooms, locker rooms, uniforms, or lining up by boys and girls for recess)?

What feelings do you have when you are in these situations and what do you do about them?

How would you like to see these situations handled (for example, be able to use a different unisex bathroom, be able to use the girls’ locker room)?

After what you learned in the Advocating for Yourself section of this chapter, what steps do you think you might try to get things to change as you would like?

harassment and bullying

In eleventh grade, Judith, who used to identify as a lesbian, decided to begin a social transition to male and is now going by the name of Ethan. Ethan always had a pretty masculine gender expression and the girls in school made fun of him ever since he can remember. They used to call him a “dyke” long before he even started to consider whether or not he was a lesbian. Now that Ethan has transitioned to a male gender expression, he notices more harassment from the boys and sometimes feels afraid. One day, between classes, two boys approached Ethan in the hallway, called him a “faggot,” and punched him in the stomach. Ever since that day, Ethan worries about getting beaten up even worse and is feeling a lot of anxiety every day in school.

Unfortunately, most people experience some harassment and bullying at some point in their lives. This can be even more common for transgender and gender expansive people. If you are experiencing bullying or harassment at school or work, or are afraid you will experience bullying or harassment, there are steps you can take. You deserve to feel safe in your school and workplace just like everyone else.

Have you experienced, seen, or heard about harassment, name calling, or violence in your school or workplace (to you or to someone else)?

Are there times or situations in which you are most worried about being mistreated? (For example, when you go to the bathroom.)

If you or people you know have been mistreated in the past, do you know what was done about it?

What do you think needs to happen in your school or workplace so that you feel safe and don’t have to worry as much about bullying or harassment? (For example, to have a private bathroom.)

After thinking about what would make your school or workplace environment safer, it is again usually helpful to have some supports in advocating for yourself. Whether you talk to a parent, a teacher, a counselor, the principal, your boss, colleagues, or Human Resources staff, it is very important that you communicate your experiences and concerns as well as what you think might be helpful. Take a look back at the Advocating for Yourself section for tips on how to talk with these folks. Finally, it may be helpful to find out about the bullying policy in your school, the harassment policy at your workplace, and any laws that may be on your side.

dealing with ignorance

When advocating for yourself, you will likely run into some people who are awesome supports, and also some people who may ask ignorant questions, make mistakes, or even react negatively to you. You may wish to take a moment to consider how you want to respond to these potential situations.

Here are some options:

summary

Whether you are exploring a transgender or gender expansive expression at school or at work, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. While there can be gender-related challenges in these settings, it is possible to overcome these challenges and find solutions. And sometimes you’ll find that not only did you make things better for yourself, but also for any future transgender and gender expansive people who come through your school or workplace. (Yes, we applaud your efforts and potential heroism!) We know communicating about these topics can sometimes be very stressful, though, and can require a lot of patience when things don’t change immediately. Remember that finding support and help in getting your needs met can be really important, and don’t be afraid to reach out to people near and far who might be able to provide this.