chapter 5

friends and other peers

For better or worse, classmates, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances are a really important part of our lives. They’re people we turn to for support, for feedback, for fun, and when we need a shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, these are also the people in our lives that can be annoying (or infuriating!), tease or harass us, and do or say things that result in us feeling badly about ourselves.

At this point in your Gender Quest, you may find yourself wishing to talk to friends about what you’re thinking about gender, or wanting to show up to school or work dressing and acting in a way that’s more consistent with your identity, but worrying about how these people will react.

should I talk about my gender thoughts and experiences?

As you are going through this quest and thinking a lot about your gender, it would make a lot of sense if you feel you want to talk to someone about your insights, feelings, and experiences—maybe to help you figure out what’s going on, or just because you want to be real with the people in your life. It’s a totally natural impulse. And whether because we just won an award or we’re going through something at home, it’s healthy to want to talk to others, get support, and share our excitement and our suffering. In fact, research shows that people who have friends and acquaintances to share experiences with are happier and healthier than those who don’t.

But you might also have some good reasons to hesitate. Maybe you know others who have been bullied for acting or appearing or thinking differently, or even just because others think they’re different. Maybe you yourself have experienced bullying for something related to gender, sexual orientation, or something else entirely. If any of these things are true, you may have found yourself being afraid of showing all parts of yourself to friends, classmates, and coworkers. You might not have faith that these people will be accepting, understanding, and supportive. And it can be challenging to know how to respond to people who might have negative reactions to your gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, or other aspects of yourself.

So, how do you decide when and how and to whom to reveal different parts of yourself?

Well, while the fact is that you can never know exactly how a friend or classmate or coworker will react, there are some things you can consider as you decide what you want to reveal to whom. (In other words, you don’t need to come out to everyone about everything.)

am I ready to talk?

Try to set aside pressure you might experience to “come out” or to be vocal about who you are all the time. There can be a lot of talk in the media, movies, and books about how important it is to “come out” or to proclaim your pride and confidence in who you are from every rooftop. But really, most people find it wise to make careful decisions about which parts of themselves they share with which people in their lives. For example, if someone’s parents are getting divorced, they may want to talk to some people about that, but not others. That certainly makes sense. Talking to people about your gender is another time where you get to decide with whom, when, and how you want to share something about yourself. Just like we talked about in relation to family members, you don’t have to have these conversations until you want to, you feel ready to, and you feel safe to do so.

In fact, it’s okay to wait for as long as you want to talk to anyone about your gender. If you think that you may be physically or emotionally hurt in a way you aren’t prepared to deal with (or in a serious way that no one would ever be ready to deal with), then this is probably not the time to talk to others.

That said, consider also that any big step brings a little risk, so you have to weigh these risks against the potential benefits. Sometimes sharing your thoughts and feelings about your gender, or simply your gender identity or expression, can be a wonderfully liberating experience that brings you much closer to the people around you. So, if you are wondering if, when, and how you might talk to someone, read on…

where should I start?

We strongly recommend, before you start getting on the loudspeaker at school or work or anything, or even talking to your close friends, that first you get support, if possible, from some outside folks. This could mean people at an LGBTQ support group, people on a hotline you call, people in your family whom you’ve spoken to, a therapist or counselor, or people in your religious community—just anyone outside of your school or work network who does support and understand your gender.

So how do you find this support? Lots of ways.

Our number one suggestion is to look for LGBTQ youth groups in your area that you can attend in person. (Even if you don’t identify with any of those letters, there may be people there who might be able to understand what you’re going through.) We think this is the best way to start because these groups are usually good bets for finding safety, some cool new friends, and some really helpful information.

There are also many online groups, websites, apps, and social networking sites that people have gained a lot of support and information from. See the resource list on the website for this book for some suggestions. However, before jumping into the waters online, you should keep in mind several things:

who should I talk to?

Although you might think of your very best friend as the person you should talk to first, this isn’t necessarily true. Why? Well, depending on what their thoughts are about gender, and how they tend to react to things, they may or may not be the wisest first choice. So it makes sense to actually think through whom you want to talk to.

Try it Out!:

Name a few people who you think you might be interested in talking to about your gender:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Let’s get to know these people a bit better. First, let’s think about their potential reactions.

Person How open to gender or sexuality diversity do you think they are? What makes you think this?

1

2

3

4

5

So, reviewing this, which of these people seems like they might be the most supportive?

Now, consider for each of those people how likely they are to keep your privacy, if that’s what you want. Think about times when they’ve kept or told other private information of yours or someone else’s. Have they been trustworthy?

Person How trustworthy are they? What makes you think this?

1

2

3

4

5

Who seems the most trustworthy?

How important are support and privacy to you in this process?

Below, think about how you would feel if the people you chose had the reactions described. How intense would this be for you?

If they were… I’d feel…

Really excited for me and can’t wait to hear all about it

Happy for me and supportive

Supportive but don’t seem to understand what it means

Supportive but use the wrong name or pronoun for me, even after I asked them to use my preferred one

Supportive but have questions that show that maybe they think it is weird

Not very supportive but seem willing to learn over time

Not at all supportive but will still be my friend

Not at all supportive and don’t want to be my friend

How about your privacy? How important is that to you? (Mark anywhere on the line.)

If this happened… How much of a problem would it be for me?

The person I told hinted a little to a close mutual friend

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

The person I talked to told a close mutual friend

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

Our conversation got out to our group of friends

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

The whole school found out

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

My parent/s found out

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

My extended family found out

1 5 10

Not a problem! I wouldn’t like this This would be devastating

preparing for different reactions

Something to consider is how you will handle different people’s reactions. Hopefully if you do wish to talk to someone, you are choosing a person that you trust will be open and accepting of you! However, as we said, you can never know for sure.

For many relationships, being open and vulnerable about personal things, such as our thoughts and experiences of gender, is really great for the relationship. It encourages trust and understanding, the stuff that healthy, long-lasting relationships are built on. You may feel much closer and appreciative of that relationship, and the person you have spoken to may now be more likely to open up to you about things they hesitated to talk about with others as well.

The fact is, though, that many friends, classmates, or coworkers, even if they are supportive and trustworthy, may not fully understand at first. This is especially true if what you are telling them about your gender is different from how they have been taught to think about gender. So you might need to be prepared for some misunderstandings or confusion, as they go through the stages of their own learning process around gender. Keep in mind that people can and do change over time. In fact, you likely can remember a time when you thought differently about gender. But in the meantime, you might want to be prepared to handle questions or confusions that people have as they try to understand.

For example, some questions that you might get asked are:

These questions may be coming from a place of caring, concern, or a desire to understand. But they can also feel hurtful to us. This is an example of why we suggest that you have some outside people in your life that can help you deal with any feelings that come up when people ask you such questions.

Oh yeah, and you might be wondering, So am I supposed to be prepared to answer all of these questions ahead of time?! And as you might have noticed, no, we aren’t suggesting you should figure out how you would respond to every potential question someone might ask, because really, many people will ask questions that will surprise you. What you can do in response to these questions is whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. This means you can try to answer as honestly as possible, or tell people about places they could go to learn more (see Resources for Parents, Family, Friends, and Allies in the online resource list), or even tell them you don’t know or that you can’t answer that question. After all, just because you know a whole lot about gender now doesn’t mean you need to be the Gender Professor (unless, of course, if you want the job!).

dealing with negative experiences

It is possible you have had or will have some negative experiences if you tell people about your gender. Like we’ve said, many times, friends are simply unsure of how to react and take a little time to adjust. However, some young people experience rejection or bullying as a result of how they look or what they’ve said.

Here are some other thoughts on dealing with rejection and bullying:

We list other resources related to bullying in the online resource list for this book.

summary

Getting to talk to someone who gets it can be so important. That’s why, even though these honest conversations about gender with the people in your life may seem scary or risky, they can also be totally worth it. However, only you can decide who it makes sense for you to tell and when and how you will do this. We highly suggest that, if possible, you access some support outside of the people at school and work, such as by going to a local group or calling one of the hotlines that we list so that you have people to buffer you against any negative reactions. There are thousands of young people just like you out there. If you look, we promise you will find them. Maybe not immediately, but you will. Finally, we are confident that even though it can take some time and patience before you find yourself surrounded by people at work and school who support you, by going through this process you will find some great friends around whom you can feel like your true self. And that is a wonderful thing.