chapter 6

dating and sex

Dating and sex. These are topics that many people have strong or complicated feelings about—some positive, some negative, some neutral or somewhere in between. Some people spend a lot of hours daydreaming or thinking about these topics. Other people couldn’t care less about dating or sex. This range of reactions is true for people of all sorts of gender identities and expressions.

Beginning in adolescence, people usually start figuring out some things about their own sexuality and what types of romantic relationships they want. While romantic and sexual relationships can be exciting, rewarding, and fulfilling, they can also have an impact on our emotional and physical health. Because of the risk of being hurt, it is important to take good care of yourself while exploring romantic and sexual relationships. Making choices that keep you emotionally and physically safe is particularly important when it comes to sexual activity. Examples of ways you can keep yourself safe include only engaging in sexual activity if and when you are feeling mentally ready, and making safer sex choices—including protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy.

As you probably already have figured out, gender identity and gender expression influence all sorts of things, and that definitely includes dating and sex. So for people on a Gender Quest, we figured devoting some time to these issues made sense.

In this chapter, we are first going to talk about sexual and romantic orientations, explain what they mean, and give you a chance to think about your own sexual and romantic identities. Then we will dig into the topics of dating and sex. Our aim is to help you get to whatever you envision as being a satisfying relationship with your own sexuality and with any partners in your future.

sexual and romantic orientations

After exploring just how complicated gender identity can be, we’re sure you will not be surprised that sexual and romantic orientations are also fairly complicated concepts. Often when we think of sexual orientation we think about someone’s sexual attractions and behaviors, and of identifying as asexual, heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual. Similarly, some people distinguish between romantic orientation—”romantic orientation” meaning whom someone is emotionally attracted to and engaged with. They may identify as aromantic, biromantic, and so on. But what does any of that really mean? And how do we know what we are?

sexual orientation

Sexual orientation can actually be separated into (at least) three parts: attractions, behaviors, and identity.

Sexual attractions indicate whom we want to be close to physically. You might have fantasies about kissing someone, urges to touch that person, or a desire to have sex with them. These are indicators of sexual attraction.

Behaviors are the actions we take that could be seen if someone was watching us. Sexual behaviors could mean all sorts of things including searching on the Internet for pictures of someone you think is pretty, masturbating (touching yourself in sexual ways), flirting, or being physically intimate with another person.

Identity is a little more complicated—it is how we label ourselves. Often our sexual identities match up with our attractions, and sometimes with our sexual behaviors too. However, it is common for not all behaviors to match up perfectly with our identities.

Attractions, behaviors, and identity usually go together to some degree. But despite what most people think, there usually isn’t a perfect alignment between these things. Some common examples of sexual identities and their definitions are below:

However, these labels aren’t fixed or absolute; they don’t always match perfectly with behaviors or attractions. For example, there are many women who identify as lesbians but have had sex with more men than women and have been in love with a man. There are also many men who are attracted to other men and are comfortable talking about the fact that they have had sex with other men, but do not identify with the terms “gay” or “bisexual.” As another example, there are plenty of men who are attracted to men but feel uncomfortable or unsafe acting on these attractions or defining themselves as gay.

As you can see, while these three things—attraction, behavior, and identity—are related, they don’t necessarily need to align exactly. In fact, it is totally fine and normal for there to be differences between your attractions, your behavior, and your identity.

romantic orientation

Similarly, romantic orientation can be divided into attraction, behavior, and identity. Your romantic attraction reflects whom you are drawn to be close to emotionally. For example, when you are romantically attracted to a person, you may find yourself wanting to develop a close special connection with them, where you tell them your thoughts and feelings and hear about theirs, where you support each other through hard times and celebrate with each other in good times, where you do special things for each other and spend special one-on-one time together.

Your romantic behavior consists of the many types of things you do with your romantic partner(s) to be emotionally close. For example, you might go out on dates with your romantic partner, buy them gifts, write them love notes, make them a playlist of love songs, confide in them about things you wouldn’t tell a lot of other people, or give them a hug when they are feeling down. These are all examples of romantic behavior.

Romantic identity terms, like sexual identity terms, often say something about what gender or genders we are drawn to. For example, here are some common romantic identities and their definitions:

Again, like sexual identities, romantic identities often don’t perfectly match with our romantic attractions or romantic behaviors.

Try It Out!:

Have you ever had a crush on someone? Symptoms of a crush can include daydreaming or thinking about a person a lot, having fantasies about being close to that person physically or emotionally, having a funny feeling somewhat like being scared and excited and warm all at once when you talk to them, or avoiding talking to them altogether because they are just that hot! If you have ever had any of these or other symptoms of a crush, describe the qualities of the people you had a crush on that you liked in the space provided. (If you’ve never had a crush, describe what qualities you think you might be attracted to in a person.)

Do you ever daydream about being close to someone physically or sexually? What happens in these fantasies? Who is in them?

Do you ever daydream about being close to someone emotionally or romantically? What happens in these fantasies? Who is in them?

Do you notice any themes or patterns in what types of people or fantasies you are attracted to?

more about sexual and romantic identities

As you may have noticed above, many of the most common terms about sexual and romantic orientations are defined based on a very simplistic understanding of biological sex and gender.

This can make finding a sexual or romantic identity a little more confusing for people whose gender doesn’t fit into these overly simplistic, old-fashioned boxes.

The good news is, like we said above, these labels don’t really need to be based on anything except what you decide feels right for you.

For example, take Ting:

Ting is a transgender woman who has always been primarily attracted to men. For many years before she transitioned to living as a woman, Ting lived as a man dating men and was very proud to be part of a strong community of gay men. While Ting’s gender identity changed and she began identifying as a woman, she still feels connected to the term “gay” as her sexual identity. Other people sometimes get all confused because she is a woman married to a man and identifies as gay. But Ting knows she doesn’t have to explain if she doesn’t want to. Those are just the identities that fit for her.

As another example, take Dylan:

Dylan finds ze is romantically attracted to all sorts of people of different gender identities and expressions. Sexually, Dylan finds zirself most attracted to people who don’t fit into the gender binary boxes. Since Dylan doesn’t like boxes much in general, ze figures either “queer” or “pansexual” might be best to describe zir sexual orientation, if it needs a label at all, and thinks the term “panromantic” applies well to zir.

Finally, take Marty:

Marty changed his sexual orientation identity about a year ago, a little after figuring out more about his gender identity. Once Marty went from living as a girl to living as a boy, he didn’t feel like “lesbian” was a good fit for him anymore. Now he identifies as a straight trans man, though he sometimes prefers to say “queer” since he has an understanding of gender that doesn’t really fit with the gender binary that “straight” implies.

Finally, many gender diverse people decide that since none of the labels fit them perfectly, they are going to come up with their own definitions of their sexual identity. These identities can be quite creative and fun, or just more accurate than the typical labels. Some examples include:

The point is, the labels are up to you, no matter your attractions or behavior.

Try it Out!:

On the following page we have provided a table to help you explore your own sexual and romantic identities. Some common identity labels are listed in the far left column. But there are a ton more options out there (including anything you come up with yourself). Feel free to write in other identities that you are considering or have heard of in the blank boxes in the left column. In the middle column discuss why each identity fits and in the far right column discuss why it doesn’t.

When exploring the fit of an identity it may help to say it aloud, “I am ,” and then reflect on what thoughts and feelings come up when you say that. Remember, whatever label you come up with can reflect your attractions and behaviors, but it doesn’t have to fit perfectly since most people’s labels don’t anyway.

Identity Why this does fit for me Why this does not fit for me

Lesbian

Gay

Bisexual

Heterosexual

Queer

Asexual

Pansexual

(Other sexual identity label)

Aromantic

Biromantic

Heteroromantic

Homoromantic

Panromantic

(Other romantic identity label)

Did you find anything that felt like a good fit? Or maybe a few options you think are reasonable? Or maybe this exercise made you realize that you really don’t want to label your identity at all?

Whatever feels right for you here is totally fine. And people’s identities often evolve over time, so if your thoughts or feelings on this issue change down the road, it is always in your power to change how you define your sexual identity.

dating

Chloe has had a crush on this guy in her chemistry class for several months now. She gets nervous when he is around and never knows what to say to him. He is always friendly with her, but she doesn’t know what to make of his friendliness. She wonders, Is he just being nice or does he maybe like me too? Chloe is not sure if he knows that she is transgender. It has been a while since her transition and no one really talks about it anymore, but she sort of assumes everyone knows. Chloe feels stuck. She wants to tell this guy how she feels, but is afraid he will not be interested in her. On top of that, she doesn’t know how in the world to talk to him about being transgender…or even if she should talk to him about being transgender.

Every time a person starts to date another person, they have to think about how this other person is going to accept the different aspects of who they are. Having a less standard gender identity, wanting to experience gender transition, or having gone through gender transition are all examples of things that can be difficult to figure out how and when to share with a potential partner. For some people, figuring out if, when, and how to share these things becomes so overwhelming that they avoid seeking any intimate relationships, even though they would like to. Or they may give up on relationships before even trying, expecting they will never find someone who will accept them for who they are.

These thoughts and fears are pretty normal for people to have at some point. Happily, most people who want to find a relationship, no matter how unique their current or past gender identity or expression, do find satisfying relationships. And they learn over time how to share their full selves in safe and satisfying ways.

Let’s see if we can learn some tips from gender diverse people who have been successful in finding satisfying relationships.

figuring out how, when, or if to come out to potential partners

If your gender identity or experience is different from the standard gender binary, one extra step in dating is figuring out how, when, and if to tell potential partners about your gender identity. For example, let’s take Carlos’s story:

Carlos is a young trans man. He is going out on a first date with TJ, a guy he met at a gay pride event. When TJ asked him out, he was excited. They didn’t have much time to get to know each other at the event, but Carlos found TJ attractive, intelligent, and interesting. Now that he is headed out on this date, though, he has a million questions running through his head: Does he need to tell TJ on their first date that he’s trans? Does he wait until they’re ready to become sexually intimate? Does he wait until they’re starting a committed relationship? What exactly does he need to tell TJ anyway? How is TJ going to respond? Is he still going to be attracted to Carlos?

Carlos’s decisions about what to do don’t have a right or wrong answer. Different transgender and gender expansive people may approach the same situation in very different ways, depending on what they determine is best for them. Let’s think about how to sort through some of these questions to figure out what approach may fit for you.

One question to consider when making the decision about whether or not to come out is: How soon do I want this person to know about my gender identity or experience and why? Again, there is no one right answer to this question. You may even approach this question in different ways depending on the person you are interested in dating. You may feel like you want a potential partner to know about your gender identity immediately so that they can make the decision early on about whether they are interested in dating a transgender or gender expansive person. This strategy could help you feel less anxious because you won’t feel like you are hiding your true self. It may also help because you won’t have to feel stress about anticipating potential rejection at a later time. On the other hand, you may feel like you want this potential partner to get to know you as a person first before knowing about the intimate details of your gender identity. So, when thinking about the person you are interested in dating, what does your gut say about how soon you want to come out to them? Circle the number that most closely matches your current feelings.

1 2 3 4 5

I feel like I need to tell them now! I don’t want to move forward with this relationship until the cat is out of the bag!

I think it’s best to put this off for a while. I want to feel out the situation as I go.

I don’t want to tell them until I’m sure we are interested in each other and we want to be physically intimate.

Based on your answer above, respond to the following questions:

What are the positive parts of making this choice of coming out now or waiting?

What are the negative parts of making this choice?

How might making this choice affect how the relationship moves forward?

After answering these questions, do you still feel the same about your ideas about when to come out? What other thoughts come up in making this decision?

Coming out is challenging because you have to keep making decisions about doing it with each new relationship or with each new person you meet. It’s okay (and may in fact be wisest) to make different choices for different relationships and at different times or situations in your life. Make sure only that you come to a decision you feel will be best for you.

safety when talking to partners

Whenever we are having a conversation and are really unsure about what the other person’s reaction will be, an important consideration is safety. If you are having a conversation about your gender identity that may catch someone off guard, you need to consider the different potential outcomes. Many people may respond to your gender identity with acceptance. However, it is smart to also consider the possibility of people responding with negativity, or worse, physical aggression or violence. Again, this is not the most typical reaction, but it is necessary to consider the possibility. Below are some tips and questions you can ask yourself as you plan to talk to a potential partner.

Choosing a safe place: When it comes down to the moment when you are talking to this person about a topic such as your gender identity, it is essential that you are in a location that ensures your safety. This safe location may be a public place which would prevent the person from being able to respond loudly or violently. Another option is to come out over the phone, e-mail, or some other form of written or electronic communication. This strategy allows the person to have a response in their own space, separate from you. With this plan, you still want to think about whether or not it is possible that this person could come over to your house or confront you somehow in person after getting off the phone or computer.

What is your plan for choosing a safe place?

Having an exit strategy: After telling this person about your gender identity, you may want to make sure that you are free to leave the situation if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. For example, you may want to make sure that you are not counting on the other person for a ride home. This is important because they could wait until the car ride to express a negative reaction, or you may understand by their reaction in public that you wouldn’t be safe getting in a car with them afterward.

What is your exit strategy?

Checking in with a safety/support person: It may be helpful to have the support of a friend, family member, counselor, or other person while coming out to a potential partner. You may arrange, for example, for this person to know where you are meeting with the potential partner and at what time. You may call or text this person during or after the conversations you have to let them know how it is going. You may also arrange to talk with your support person right after you have finished the conversation. This way, your support person will know whether or not you are in a safe situation and can seek help if needed. Also, you can gain support through this challenging experience.

Who are possible safety/support people?

What is your plan for checking in?

Okay, now you have some ideas about how you want to handle coming out to potential partners and how to keep yourself safe in the process. Now let’s think about another dynamic in relationships that can also be both exciting and scary: sex.

sex

Kayla has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Malik, for over a year now and the relationship is becoming more and more sexual. Malik identifies as bisexual and is very supportive of Kayla’s trans identity. But, sometimes Kayla feels like when they are doing sexual activities, Malik touches her body in a way that makes her feel like a boy. This fills her with dysphoria and she immediately pulls away from Malik. This leaves Malik feeling rejected and now sex is becoming a stressful topic in their relationship. Kayla doesn’t know how to talk with Malik about her feelings and is afraid she might lose him.

Okay, so sex is a subject many of us have a hard time talking about really openly, especially when it comes to saying specifically what we do and don’t like. It makes sense because we are taught that these kinds of conversations are shameful or embarrassing, but it’s time to set those messages aside. Communication about sex is super important if you want you and your partner(s) to have satisfying sexual experiences. For example, most people have some things they like their partners to do or say, and other things that just don’t make them feel good or don’t match with how they think of themselves sexually. And almost everyone has hang-ups about certain parts of their bodies that can get in the way in the bedroom. So no matter what body parts feel right or wrong to you or what ways you do or don’t want to be touched, you can still experience a satisfying sexual relationship—it just takes a little exploration and, most importantly, communication.

figuring out what brings you sexual pleasure (and what does not)

Of course, before you can communicate, you need to figure out what could turn you on or give you sexual pleasure and what does not. Some of these things you won’t need to try to know that just the idea of them makes you turned on, uncomfortable, or turned off. Other things you might have to try out to see how they feel, given where you are in your life and what type of relationship you are or are not in.

Try It Out!:

What do you already know about yourself sexually? List your turn-ons and turn-offs in the space provided. These can be things that you or your partner do or say or think about, or places or props or videos, or even a type of smell. Everyone is pretty different sexually so you will have to explore for yourself. But we’ll give some examples to get you started.

Turn-Ons

Examples: When someone kisses my neck, thinking about having a hard penis, touching someone’s chest, when someone smells like coconut, thinking about making out in the water, lying down behind someone, play wrestling, candles, sexy music, feeling romantic and connected to someone

Turn-Offs

Examples: Pink frilly stuff, when someone touches my chest, when a person is aggressive, when a person is very passive, when I dress in more masculine clothes, when a person only seems to care about sex, when someone hasn’t brushed their teeth after eating

Sometimes when people feel uncomfortable with their gender identities or the gender expression their body gives them, they can feel hopeless about having a satisfying sexual relationship. While it makes sense to be nervous about this, it turns out there are plenty of creative ways in which you can experience sexual pleasure with a partner. For example, if you don’t want someone to touch your genitals, you can utilize other parts of your body that turn you on. If your earlobes are particularly sensitive, you could ask your partner to give you “earlobe blow jobs” instead. Now that’s getting creative!

Are there particular body parts that are off limits during sexual activity? If so, what are they?

Are there body parts that can only be touched in certain ways for it to be pleasurable? If so, what are they?

Are there parts of your body outside of genitals that are particularly sensitive for you (for example, neck, ears, back) and might be places to explore sexual pleasure? If so, what are they?

Are there things that you aren’t sure how they would feel but might want to try?

Examples: Wearing a strap-on while my partner cuddles with me on the couch, taking my shirt off but telling my partner I want to keep my bra on, getting or giving an earlobe blow job

Now that you have an idea about your turn-ons and turn-offs, how do you talk with your partner to make sure they know what they are? Let’s talk about how to talk about sex.

communication about sex

There are no correct or incorrect answers to the previous questions—however you experience your body sexually is okay. Every person experiences sexuality in their own unique way. However, your partner will not know about your sexual needs and preferences unless you tell them. Even worse, they may continue to try to please you in ways that cause you discomfort. This is why developing good sexual communication is so important. If you are able to voice what sexual activities fit or don’t fit for you, and listen to your partners’ needs, then you are on track to having satisfying sexual experiences.

Unfortunately, people often feel uncomfortable talking openly and honestly about sex, especially about their own sexual needs and preferences. People often worry that they will feel embarrassed, that their partner will not understand them, that their partner will think they are strange, and so on.

Try It Out!:

What worries or concerns do you have about talking about your sexual needs and preferences?

What potentially good things could come from talking about your sexual needs and preferences?

In order to start these conversations with your partner, it may be helpful to first tell them about your worries and concerns about talking to them. Just expressing concerns can sometimes feel like a relief. You can also ask if they have any things they could tell you. Sometimes you can set up a truth and truth exchange (instead of a truth or dare). You can suggest, “I’ll tell you one thing I like if you tell me one thing you like.” And then, “I’ll tell you one thing I don’t like if you trade and tell me one thing you don’t like.” Your partner may very well be relieved to have a greater understanding of you and how you experience your body. And another perk is that your partner can then also feel freer to talk about what they want and need, which can be helpful to you too!

summary

So now that you have explored your own sexual and romantic attractions and identities, as well as strategies for dating and creating satisfying sexual relationships, we hope you feel a little more confident that you can find a relationship that fits with what you want and need. Just know that if you still feel a bit nervous about dating, you are not alone. Dating can be a scary experience for everyone (including all of those people you date who are probably just as nervous about whether you will like them and accept them or not!).

As a final note, many people who don’t feel confident in themselves end up “settling” for partners who don’t treat them as they would like. They might assume, Well, this is the best I’m going to get because no one else will be with me. People sometimes even put up with abusive relationships (emotionally or physically) for this reason. So if you ever find yourself in a relationship that you feel isn’t actually what you’d hoped it would be, we hope you will examine your thoughts about yourself and see if you are settling for something that is less than ideal. Chapter 8, Dealing with the Hard Stuff, can be useful for finding help if you are feeling stuck in a relationship and want to change that. It can also help if you’re feeling stuck without a relationship. No matter your gender identity or expression, you deserve to find the relationship of your dreams. And despite each of us too having doubted at various points that this was possible for us, we are bringing a message from the future to let you know—your dreams are possible if you don’t give up on them!