CHAPTER FOUR

Be Deep

The Here and Now

What if you could change your life by doing one thing for just ten seconds each day? What if this thing would make you more contented, more grounded, and less stressed?

Welcome to mindfulness.

We spend almost all of our time worrying about two things: what has already happened (the past) and what hasn’t happened yet (the future). This only makes us miserable. The past is over, so there’s nothing we can do about it. And the future isn’t something we should be thinking about right now—unless we’re taking concrete action toward a goal.

Mindfulness breaks us out of this pattern by turning our awareness to the simple moments of life as they happen. We laser in on our senses as we’re experiencing them, and we feel them deeply.

So, the way to “be deep” is to focus on what’s going on right now.

I first learned about mindfulness in yoga class. At the end of the class, the teacher had everyone lie down and enter savasana, or final relaxation. We practiced tuning in to our senses and letting go of our thoughts. It was exactly as hard as it sounds!

Sometimes a savasana would go by where I literally never stopped thinking. But as I practiced, I got a little better at letting go of thoughts as they came. I learned how to take just one breath without my mind going wild. I began experimenting with taking that mindfulness with me, off the yoga mat and into the rest of my life. I practiced coming into the present moment at different points throughout the day. Every time, I felt deeply connected with myself and the world around me. It was liberating.

I have two favorite ways to zap into the present moment.

The first way is to briefly tune in to my breath a few times a day. Set an alarm on your watch or phone to go off at three set times during the day. When it goes off, close your eyes and take three deep breaths. Notice how the breath feels as it flows in and out. Let go of whatever else is going on in your mind. Then open your eyes and go back to your day.

The second way is to tune in to the little details of the day. Say you’re picking up a water bottle. Consider this: How does the bottle feel in your hand? Is it heavy or light? When you take a sip of the water, how does it feel on your tongue? Is it cool or warm? What does it taste like? Try this exercise with one small act each day.

These short exercises are my favorite ways to be deep. Once you’ve done these exercises, try a full mindfulness meditation to dive even deeper into the moment (see Seated Meditation).

Shallow Waters

We are never less deep than when we’re on social media.

The other day, on Instagram, I posted a photo of myself with my dog. I was holding him in my arms, and he looked exactly like a teddy bear—definite “like” bait. Later that day I checked the post. It had way less likes than I expected. I actually felt a pit in my stomach. I felt way worse than before I turned on my phone. (Every time I open up social media, I end up feeling bad about something. It might be losing followers, not getting comments, or wishing I had more direct messages.)

I got to thinking about how I interact with other people’s posts. A lot of the time, when I “like” a photo, I put very little thought into it. It’s a mindless, zoned-out process of tapping and scrolling. I usually don’t even read the captions. I just double tap, scroll, double tap, scroll, comment, scroll—endlessly. Really deep and thoughtful, right?

If I don’t put much care into my social media interactions, then other people probably don’t, either. That means that the number of likes and comments I get has little, if anything, to do with me! Almost none of it is personal.

But the illusion is strong. It feels as if likes actually represent how many people like us in real life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve decided that a friend wasn’t into me anymore just because they didn’t comment on my latest post. But usually when I see that friend in person, I realize that everything is totally fine. This is crazy! We have no idea what a friend might be going through privately, why they’re not on social media, or why they didn’t “like”—or even see—our post.

These online connections are not real-life relationships. So the more we can detach from the results of our online interactions, the better. But it’s hard! I still get a flutter of excitement when someone leaves a nice comment on a post. And I feel dejected when I lose followers.

The next time something on social media makes you feel at all crummy, try this: close your eyes, turn off your phone, and take a very deep breath.

Q&A

Q: It seems like my friends and I only communicate through social media. How can I connect with them in a deeper way?

A: The best way to connect with someone is by having an actual real-life conversation. In person is the best, but talking on the phone is good, too. The other day I saw a post by a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. I missed her, so I decided to call her on the phone. She picked up! I asked how she was doing. She said her family was going through a rough time and we talked about that for a while. She was grateful that I had called.

Our relationship was instantly strengthened through a quick conversation. Talking with a person, even briefly, takes more effort than commenting on their Instagram posts. It can also feel awkward to call. Maybe they’re in the middle of something and don’t want to talk. Or maybe they won’t answer, and we’ll have to leave an annoying voicemail. Maybe we’ll seem needy! But when we make the effort to talk with someone, it gives us a deep connection that social media never can. It makes us feel valued, and the other person will appreciate the effort we took. It’s worth it, I promise.