Putting It All Together
You’ve embraced the Call to Adventure, Crossed the Threshold, Met the Mentor, encountered Tests, Allies, and Enemies, wrestled with the Dark Night of the Soul, and withstood Ordeals. Regardless of how far you have come in the course of this guidebook, you are further along than when you began. Your self-awareness has grown as you discovered and integrated pieces of who you are into the entirety of your being. Now it is time for you to Return with the Elixir.
You’ve spent much of this book getting in touch with what is really going on inside you without having to fit a certain phrase, narrative, or description of experience. Since you have acquired Wisdom of the Elixir, you can begin putting words to the question: “Who am I, concerning my gender identity?” The exercises in this chapter will help you with this task.
Before we begin, let’s review what it is you have learned about putting descriptors onto your gender identity:
1. You learned that you do not have to conform to a specific definition of gender identity. You discovered that your experience of your gender is unique, as is the way you decide to describe this experience. Find the words that make the most sense to you without trying to fit into any preconceived notion that doesn’t feel comfortable.
2. You learned that you can use different words to describe your gender identity depending on the social context. Many of you will share what you have discovered about your gender identity with others—be they loved ones, coworkers, peers, teachers, the general public, old friends, new friends, mental health and medical providers … the list can end up being quite lengthy. Remember, how you decide to self-identify is what matters most. If/when you choose to share this with others you will want to be careful and wise, as some people will understand where you are coming from more easily than others. Certain situations will feel easier, safer, and more comfortable than others. You might decide to use certain words now and other words later, depending on where you are at in your discovery journey. Later in this chapter we will look at how you can approach these people, situations, and time frames in ways that empower you with as much control, comfort, and flexibility as possible.
3. You learned that you will continue to discover more about yourself throughout the course of your life. This chapter will help you find words to describe your experience of your gender identity today. You can change your responses tomorrow, in a few weeks, even in a few years. That way you won’t inadvertently pressure yourself into the unrealistic assumption that you must have all of the answers right now. Your workbook should be a living, breathing document that you can return to whenever you discover new insights about yourself.
Questions like, “What if I’m wrong? What if I change my mind later?” often arise when figuring out how to describe one’s gender identity. Here are some ways you can remain open to growing while also gaining confidence in what direction you would like to go next:
• Pace yourself. It is wise to make changes in your life using baby steps to see if what you are doing is creating improvement. It’s a positive feedback loop: if what you choose continues to help, you know you are on the right track.
• Pay attention to what stays consistent. As you continue to test and experiment, you will see what does and doesn’t change, what consistently makes you feel more comfortable, what consistently makes you feel more uncomfortable, and what feelings and thoughts remain with you.
• Talk it out. You may one day make decisions that will impact your life in significant ways. When you take the time to talk it out either with a counselor or a trusted friend, they can help you plan for any possible challenges you may encounter. This will also give you the chance to understand the perspectives of others who will end up being affected by these decisions.
Reviewing the Highlights of Your Journey
Oftentimes an explorer will return from a journey and decide to create an account of their adventure. This can help them see the big picture of what they discovered along the way, the changes they went through, and ideas about where they want to go next.
Ideally the explorer took notes over the course of the journey—so much can happen along the way it can be easy to forget some of the most important discoveries. Luckily, as the explorer in your story, you have been keeping track of these important highlights in this guidebook. Now you can use them to arrive at your conclusions for this part of your gender identity journey.
Before we begin to review your highlights, remember:
• Be open to changing your previous answers—hindsight can lead to new insight.
• You can always leave something blank. Simply answer, “I’m not sure,” or change your response later on.
• When in doubt, listen for the answers that come from your gut.
1: THE QUESTION THAT STARTED IT ALL
It’s the one you answered both at the very beginning and midway through You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery:
Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth socially, physically, and/or mentally?
YES |
MAYBE |
NO |
Go ahead—answer it again. Is your answer the same as or different from when you first began? How about from when you checked in midway through the guide? Write down your observations here.
Using the following unmarked copy of the Questionnaire, go through all of the questions and answer them again. For now, don’t look at your previous answers.
1. How do you feel about the name you currently use and are addressed as? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
2. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that coincides with your gender assigned at birth (e.g., ma’am, sir, ladies, fellas, lad, lass)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
3. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that does not coincide with your gender assigned at birth? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
4. How do you feel about being addressed as your gender assigned at birth pronouns? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
5. How do you feel being addressed by gendered adjectives such as pretty or handsome? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
6. How do you feel about using the public restrooms/changing rooms that you are expected to based on your current gender presentation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
7. How do you feel about having/not having a menstrual cycle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
8. How do you feel about being able to/not being able to conceive a child? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
9. How do you feel about the amount of body hair that you have (or don’t have)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
10. How do you feel about having the amount of facial hair that you have/don’t have? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
11. How do you feel about your voice? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
12. How do you feel about tone and pitch in which you speak? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
13. How do you feel about your eyebrows? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
14. How do you feel about your hairstyle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
15. How do you feel about your current wardrobe? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
16. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing makeup? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
17. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing earrings, having/not having piercings and/or tattoos, and carrying/not carrying certain accessories? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
18. How do you feel about your height? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
19. How do you feel about your chest? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
20. How do you feel about your body shape? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
21. How do you feel about the structure of your face? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
22. How do you feel about the size of your hands and feet? How much (if at all) is this connected to gender-related concerns?
23. How do you feel about having (or not having) an Adam’s apple? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
24. How do you feel about your genitals? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
25. How would you describe your sexual orientation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
26. How do you feel about having partners, concerning physical intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
27. How do you feel about having partners, concerning emotional intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
28. How do you feel about assumptions others make about you based on their perception of your gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
29. How do you feel about the way your family addresses you when not using your name (e.g., son/daughter, niece/nephew, mother/father)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
30. To what extent do you feel your hobbies and interest truly reflect who you are? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
31. How do you feel when you are separated into groups by gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?
Again, place a star next to the responses that are most problematic to you (e.g., revealed a high level of disconnect, dissatisfaction, discomfort, etc.).
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Compare and contrast these responses to the ones on the original Questionnaire (p. 121). Have they changed? How?
3: THE LAYERS OF YOUR GENDER DISCOMFORT
Here, again, is the chart from the exercise The Layers of Your Gender Discomfort (page 178).
Using this unmarked copy of the chart, rate your general discomfort in each category. Then, look at your original responses and compare and contrast them to one another. Have they changed? How?
YOUR CONCLUSIONS
Read over the responses you gave from these three highlights from your journey, as well as your reflections.
What are your overall conclusions? Take your time, write as little or as much as you need to. Remember you can always come back to this later.
Your Gender Identity in Your Own Words
Finding the words to describe your gender identity can be as simple or as multilayered as you choose to make it. This exercise will introduce you a variety of approaches to this and help you find the one that best suits you. For now, focus on how you would describe your gender identity if the definitions and opinions of others didn’t exist. In the next exercise, we will look at how you can navigate through the rest of the world with your personal description of your gender identity intact.
THE SIMPLE APPROACH
You may be hoping for a short, simple way to describe your gender identity. It would exclude extraneous factors such as other aspects of your identity, clarifying phrases, explanation of your narrative, etc.
Here are examples of this approach:
“I am trans/transgender.”
“I am a woman/I am a man.”
“I am not a male/not a female.”
“I am a transgender male.”
“I am a transsexual woman.”
“I am not cisgender.”
“I identify as nonbinary.”
“I have no interest in labeling my gender identity.”
As you continue working though this chapter, stay open to this approach to describing gender identity. It may be the right one for you, or you may end up needing a more multi-layered approach.
THE MULTI-LAYERED APPROACH
A multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity can be useful to those who would rather not be limited in the way they describe their gender identity. This description can include multiple terms, including your other identities, your body, and inference to whether or not you will be transitioning.
Here are examples of this multi-layered approach:
“I am nonbinary, genderfluid, and pansexual.”
“I identify as a female-bodied, masculine-of-center boi.”
“I am a cisgender heterosexual man who enjoys expressing my feminine energy.”
“I am transgender and my gender expression is feminine.”
“I am a gay trans man who chooses not to have gender confirmation surgery.”
“I am a cisgender butch lesbian who will be having top surgery.”
“I am uncertain as to what my actual gender identity is, but I do know that it is not my gender assigned at birth and I will probably take medical and social steps to help reduce my gender dysphoria.”
“Although I was assigned male at birth my brain is that of a female—therefore I am a woman.”
As you continue to work through this chapter you will have the chance to explore various ways you can use this multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity.
Do you think you are more interested in a simple or multi-layered approach to describing your gender identity?
WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR DESCRIPTION
Use the following list as a starting place for describing your gender identity:
Do you want to use the phrase “I identify as … ”?
Do you want to use the phrase “I am … ”?
Do you want to use terms like transgender, transsexual, trans, etc.?
Are there nonbinary terms you want to use?
Do you want to use the term gender dysphoria, as well as the areas in which you experience this?
Do you want to include references to your sexual and/or romantic orientation?
Do you want to include references to social and/or medical transition steps you might take?
Do you want to include references to your blend of feminine and/or masculine energy?
Do you want to include references to how you feel about gender?
Do you want to include references to your gender expression?
Do you want to use a narrative form of description rather than a brief one?
Place a checkmark next to each of the items you are interested in including as a part of your description.
YOUR GENDER IDENTITY OPTIONS
It may come as a surprise to learn how many options are available to choose from to describe your gender identity. They are evolving out of a growing awareness that gender identity is a far deeper subject than previously thought. We now know that:
• One’s gender identity is not always the same as the gender and sex one is assigned at birth.
• Gender identity is not necessarily binary (i.e., female or male).
• Gender identity is an individual, unique experience.
• One’s sense of gender identity can be approached holistically, taking into account who someone is in their entirety (i.e., gender expression, femininity/masculinity, sexual/romantic orientation, one’s body).
We are going to explore terms that are available to use when you describe your gender identity. A complete list would be impossible to compile—we live in a time during which new terms are being created, tested, and shared at a rapid pace. These descriptions will continue evolving as individuals and communities search for ways to increase recognition and awareness of as many experiences of gender as possible.
Use this list as a way to open your eyes and broaden your perspective about what makes up your gender identity and its relationship to your overall sense of self. You can use all of them, none of them, or a combination of them.
Read through the list on the next page. Circle the terms you would consider using to describe your own gender identity. Place a star next to any term you are unfamiliar with but would like to learn what it means. Look up its definition, and then decide whether you want to keep it on your list.
Androgyne
Tomboy
Boyflux
Butch
Tomboi
Boi
Masculine-of-center
Feminine-of-center
Stud
A/G
Macha
Masculine woman
Feminine man
Feminine
Masculine
Femme
Demiboy
Demigirl
Demiflux
MtF (male-to-female)
FtM (female-to-male)
Agender
Neutrois
Gender neutral
Gender bending
Gender questioning
Gender variant
Gender nonconforming
Genderf*ck
Pangender
Polygender
Genderfluid
Queer
Bigender
Intergender
Ambigender
Genderqueer
Nonbinary
Female
Male
Woman
Man
Boy
Girl
Trans
Transsexual
Transsexual man/male
Transsexual woman/female
Transmasculine
Transfeminine
Transgender
Transgender man/male
Transgender woman/female
Trans person
AFAB (assigned female at birth)
AMAB (assigned male at birth)
MtN (male-to-nonbinary)
FtN (female-to-nonbinary)
Cisgender male
Cisgender female
Other identities
Intersex
Cross-dresser
Drag queen/Drag king
Queer
Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Pansexual
Asexual
Gray-sexual
Panromantic
Aromantic
Heteroflexible
Homoflexible
Polyamorous
Kink/BDSM
Culture-specific identities
Third gender
Two-spirit
Hijra
Kathoeys
Fa’afafine
Māhū
You now have a broader understanding of the available approaches to describing gender identity. The next step is to create your own personalized description of your gender identity.
Step 1: Using the blank chart on the following page, write down your answers from the exercise What to Include in Your Description (page 227) in column A.
Step 2: Using the blank chart on the opposite page, write down your answers from the exercise Your Gender Identity Options (page 228) in column B.
Example 1:
| A | B |
|
“I identify as … ” “I am … ” Include feminine/masculine energy Include nonbinary terms How I feel about gender |
Nonbinary Soft butch Queer |
“I identify as nonbinary, soft butch, and queer.”
“I am queer.”
“I do not fit the gender binary.”
Example 2:
|
A |
B |
|
“I am … ” Include gender dysphoria Refer to my gender expression |
Transgender Female/Woman MtF |
“I am a transgender female with severe social and physical gender dysphoria.”
“I am a feminine woman.”
“I am MtF.”
A |
B |
|
|
|
Step 3: Write out the full description of your gender identity here:
As you look at your answers from the two exercises side by side, you can begin to create your own unique description of your gender identity. If you are uncertain which descriptions you connect with most, you can use the Tests and Experiments exercises as a way to gauge how you feel about each one (page 205).
Experiment with a few different descriptions by writing them out to see how they look and feel to you.
USING FILL IN THE BLANK TO DESCRIBE YOUR GENDER IDENTITY
Use these tips as you experiment with a fill-in-the-blank approach to describing your gender identity:
• Fill in as few or as many blanks as you would like.
• Write as many terms as you want in each blank.
• Keep them all separate from one another or blend them together to form a description of your gender identity.
My internal sense of self is __________________________________
My gender expression/my desired gender expression is_____________________________________________________
My physical body is _______________________
My blend of masculinity and femininity is ___________________
My sexual/romantic orientation is ___________________________
Other personal identities important to me are ________________
My gender identity is _______________________________________
How to Describe Your Gender Identity to Others
Hopefully, one of the key takeaways you’ve gained from this guide is that your gender identity is defined by you. In an ideal world, that would be that. However, in the real world you might come across complexities when the time comes for you to share your description of your gender identity with others.
WHO IS “THE REST OF THE WORLD”?
Let’s take a look at the various categories “the rest of the world” can be separated into, so we can approach them one at a time.
Loved Ones and Others Close to You
This is your inner circle. They are the ones with whom you have the closest relationships and depend on for certain needs. This group might include blood relatives, chosen family, friends, roommates, spouses/partners, parents, children, mentors, pastors, etc. It can include those who are a part of your life in person as well as through online means.
Acquaintances
These would be people who fall somewhere between being strangers and being in your inner circle. They could be friends, family members, teachers, coaches, coworkers, bosses, employees of places you frequent (restaurants, pubs, clubs, etc.) and so on. This category includes individuals you see in person as well as those online and over the phone.
The General Public
These are people you will more than likely only interact with briefly and infrequently. It can cover a large range of people who you are around when you leave your home (i.e., strangers who you aren’t personally connecting with). They could be people you are walking by on the street, sitting with on a bus, customer service and retail workers, your Uber driver, etc. This category includes individuals you see in person as well as those online and over the phone.
Information and Resource Providers
This group includes those you encounter as you search for resources, community, insight, and ideas pertaining to your gender identity. For instance, this involves having to think about what words you would type into a search engine or what terms you would use with someone who works at a local LGBTQ center.
Mental Health and Medical Care Providers
These are providers whom you have relationships with currently and those you will meet in future. It can include mental health counselors, primary care physicians, psychiatrists, dentists, surgeons, physical therapists, etc. Health insurance companies are included as a part of this category as well.
TIMING AND PACING OF SHARING WITH OTHERS
At this point, you probably have at least some idea of how you want to describe your gender identity. However, you may decide to:
• Sit with it a while to see how it feels.
• Tell certain people right away and tell others later.
• Describe it in a certain way at first to help others adjust and then change this the further along they come.
• Describe your gender identity in such a way that those around you grow and adjust with it in time.
• Change the way you describe yourself depending on the situation.
These are all possibilities that may be encountered, so we need to include the idea of timing and pacing as a factor to keep in mind when you are describing your gender identity to others.
YOUR LEVELS OF TOLERANCE
As you begin sharing your description of your gender identity, you will notice some people are better than others at understanding the language you are using. Lack of understanding can be due to certain factors:
• Some persons are very willing to learn but need just a bit of time, patience, and practice.
• Others may be resistant at first but, because they value their relationship with you, they will make efforts to try and understand who you are and why this is important to you.
• Others may show intense disinterest and disrespect. This can lead you to feeling emotions ranging from uncomfortable to unsafe.
As you begin to prepare to talk with others about your gender identity, it is important you know which descriptions are best, which are bearable, and which you are definitely not okay with. They can also differ from situation to situation, which we will look at more in the next exercise.
YOUR IDEAL DESCRIPTION + THE REST OF THE WORLD
You have worked hard in this chapter to create your description of your gender identity. Let’s begin with that description as our starting point in gauging how to approach the rest of the world.
Step 1: Using the chart on the next page, write your description of your gender identity at the top in the blank given (use what feels right for now—remember, you can change this at any point).
Step 2: Bring to mind your loved ones and those closest to you. Using the space in the first column write out your answers in the following questions:
• Present-day, how do you want to describe your gender identity to them?
• How do you want them to describe your gender identity, if they address you or refer to you (with your permission) to others?
• Do you want to describe your gender identity to them a certain way at this time and then, once they have a firm understanding of this, share with them a more multilayered description of yourself?
• What words and phrases would be bearable? Would it be for a short amount of time or for an indefinite amount of time?
• Are there certain words, terms, and/or descriptions you do not want them to ever use?
Step 3: Using the same questions listed in Step 2, write out your answers for the other categories—Acquaintances, the General Public, Information and Resource Providers, and Mental Health and Medical Care Providers.
|
Loved Ones
|
|
Acquaintances
|
|
The General Public
|
|
Information and Resource Providers
|
|
Mental Health and Medical Care Providers
|
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
“Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Vocabulary Definitions.” It’s Pronounced METROsexual. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/#sthash.maKBoyhi.dpbs.
“Gender Master List.” Genderfluid Support. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://genderfluidsupport.tumblr.com/gender.
Herbenick, Debby, PhD, and Aleta Baldwin. “What Each of Facebook’s 51 New Gender Options Means.” The Daily Beast. February 15, 2014. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/02/15/the-complete-glossary-of-facebook-s-51-gender-options.html.
“Some Genderqueer Identities.” Gender Queeries. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/identities.