CHAPTER 2

Relationships: Getting Connected

I’ve got a dream too, but it’s about singing and dancing and making people happy. That’s the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

—Kermit the Frog

Courtney needed to just let it all out, like… right now. Her boyfriend, Rob, was spending more time than ever with his fraternity brothers, and while she knew that the guys were important to him, it meant that she didn’t see him quite as often as she would like. She had met some very cool people in class but had yet to really bond with any of them. Her roommate, Hannah, was supersweet but so quiet that Courtney felt uncomfortable sharing these frustrations with her. Rob had encouraged Courtney to pledge a sorority, which would give her an instant social circle, but sororities didn’t feel like her scene. She had always found her crew in dance, where her fellow performers were like family, but that community was so at odds with the Greeks that it seemed like she’d have to choose between the two worlds. Of course, there was nobody better to talk to about all of this than Megan, her BFF from home, but getting more than a text convo going was tough, as Megan was in her own whirlwind of a freshman year, balancing a new job with a heavy class load, and trying to sustain a long-distance relationship with her high school boyfriend, Mike (which, given their two-thousand-mile separation, was unsurprisingly going through a rough patch).

Despite having loads of people around her with whom she could study, dance, date, and party, Courtney found herself wondering if she might ever find a crew of besties, or if she was destined to four years of hopping from friend to friend—or, worst of all, if she would ever really fit in to any of the communities that seemed to be blossoming all around her.

And that was just her first semester.

There is no greater indicator of happiness and success in college than the quality of your relationships. During these next few years, you will become part of the most diverse, fascinating, and colorful community you have likely ever encountered. The people you forge relationships with—whether friend, frenemy, sorority sister, or soul mate—will play a bigger role than you might have imagined in shaping your own destiny. The quality of your relationships will predict whether or not you survive first semester, make it to graduation, and thrive both at work and at home, even in the decades well after you walk that stage with diploma in hand. While many schools are terrific at prepping you academically, we have yet to hear of one that offers an education in healthy relationships.

People who enjoy positive relationships are seven times as likely to be engaged in their work. They also produce higher-quality work, have higher well-being, and are less likely to be injured (yes, injured). It’s no surprise that positive relationships distinguish the happiest 10 percent of people, but you’re also going to feel psychologically safer and learn more if your social life is healthy. Whether in pairs or groups, students report that doing homework together is more productive than studying alone. We evolved to survive in groups—it seems as though we are meant to thrive in them as well.

Yet a study of more than 150,000 freshmen in 2014 revealed that more students were spending less time with friends than any previous generation in the past three decades. In 1987, only 18 percent of students spent fewer than five hours a week socializing, but today this number has more than doubled to 39 percent. (What’s up with that?)

Simple logic suggests that it’s no coincidence the number of freshmen reporting frequent depression has almost doubled in the past five years. And while many of them justify their time alone as a commitment to greater academic achievement, students with poor-quality and low-quantity relationships actually have lower GPAs than their more socially active classmates. Friends can help you deal in those freak-out oh-my-god-I-am-going-to-fail-this-final moments, yet when we ask our students where they go when they are super-stressed or going through rough times, we get a rousing chorus of “Library!” and “Somewhere alone!” and the ever-popular “Under my covers!” Don’t count on Student Housing to provide you with positive company: just 17 percent of freshmen click with their roommate… the other 83 percent will be trading theirs in for a different model by their sophomore year.

Roommates, classmates, pals, and partners—we all come to college with the expectation of an array of relationships. In this chapter we will explore what to expect from bromance to romance, what distinguishes the healthy from the not-so-much, and how you can effectively cultivate the former and deal with the latter.

Welcome to the Candy Store

Nerds, Airheads, Runts, Smarties, Big Hunks, and adorable little Sugar Babies. Maybe you’ll even consider some Kisses. Like the overwhelming variety of choices in a candy emporium, your peer group has never been so vast and colorful. The possibilities abound for all different kinds of relationships. You may have a spring fling or forge a lifelong friendship, like Dan did with Jon when they both landed in the infirmary their second week of school. Dan sat in silence for a few seconds listening to Jon wheeze, while Jon stared at Dan’s face, which was covered in white cream.

“What happened to you, man?” Dan finally asked.

“I was playing rugby and Russ Brightman hit me so hard in the chest that he separated my ribs from my sternum. What happened to you?”

“Yeah… I lit my face on fire trying to do a flaming shot.”

The two remain best friends to this day.

So what can you expect, what might work for you, and how can you get the most out of all the different kinds of relationships you will experience in college?

We can all but guarantee that the first person you meet will also be the first one you sleep with. We are talking about your roommate, of course, and he or she will determine half of the décor you see when you open your eyes each morning, a fair amount of the music you hear throughout the day, and quite possibly a sizable heap of the resentments you may end up secretly harboring. Your roommate is also likely to see you naked… a lot. Both literally and figuratively. This relationship gives you a chance to become friends with someone who might normally be off your radar—or instantly feel like your separated-at-birth twin. Your roommate can give you—cha-ching—an instant social circle! On the days you are feeling lonely (which 50 percent of you reported feeling in the past year), you have a built-in friend to take the edge off.

Your social circle has a significant influence on your thoughts, behavior, and mood. The concept of social contagion is familiar to anyone who’s ever ordered an appetizer just because everyone else at the table did, but it extends far beyond our choices. According to research by sociologists Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, if you spend time with a friend who is happy, you are 15.3 percent more likely to be happy as well. Benefits such as creativity and innovative ideas can also be “caught.”

Of course, social contagion works in negative ways, too: Christakis and Fowler found that each unhappy person you hang with decreases your chances of being happy by 7 percent, and when it comes to depression, the number flies through the roof: you are 93 percent more likely to be depressed if a person you are directly connected to is suffering from the disorder. Even the seemingly innocuous stuff is viral: If your roommate shows up packing an Xbox, it is likely to cut thirty minutes off your study time each day and lower your GPA by .2 points. If your roommate is just an occasional drinker, you can lop an additional .26 off your GPA even if you don’t imbibe (and .28 if the roommate drinks frequently). If you drink as well, your GPA can get knocked down as fast as the shots you’re both slamming, and next thing you know, you’re down 0.66. Your roommates (and friends) are going to have an impact on you, whether you like it or not. You may catch some happiness from them, but on the flip side, there are risks of which you should be wary.

The people you surround yourself with are, in fact, your richest and most readily available resource. Together you form an energy reserve of shared experience—all you need to know now is how and when to tap into it. College is famous for weird, wonderful, random encounters, and there’s no telling when someone with singed eyebrows will show up by your side and stay there for twenty-eight years (and counting).

Tend-and-Befriend

When we asked our students what they do during stressful times, one junior, Lisa, didn’t miss a beat when it came to breakups: “Bed. Under the covers. Usually with cookies.” Stressed-out students report holing up in the library, eating their meals with only their cell phone for company, and avoiding the very people who would help them feel better. Placing yourself in solitary during the tough times is like driving away from the hospital as your appendix is about to burst. Yet 53 percent of students become so stressed during college that they start to avoid their friends at precisely the moment they should be embracing them.

You may be familiar with the fight-or-flight response to stress and danger (you will be after reading Chapter 8), but it is not your only option: meet tend-and-befriend (T&B), its lesser-known but exceptionally effective sibling. The instinct to grab the person next to you in a crisis is part of your DNA precisely because close relationships can reduce anxiety and depression, bump up your immune system, and diminish physical pain, allowing you to think more clearly and make better decisions.

There is also a preventive component to T&B: A study of more than eight hundred hurricane survivors found that they were four times less likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder when they had strong friendships. Your tsunami of work may pale in comparison, but its effects can definitely take their toll on your ability to thrive. Indeed, social support systems are one of the most effective coping strategies for stressed-out students.

Dan recalls experiencing T&B on a bumpy airplane ride when the young stranger beside him grabbed his hand and squeezed it really hard for the last thirty minutes of the terrifying flight (her only acknowledgment a very quiet “thank you” upon landing). Alan, being the romantic genius that he is, figured that taking a date to the classic horror film The Blair Witch Project would ensure her grabbing hold of him (which might have been successful except that Alan became motion sick from the shaky camera work and threw up). Whether the T&B instinct takes over spontaneously or you deploy it as a conscious strategy, reaching out to someone makes a difference when heavy stress hits.

Support from friends and strangers alike can transform our physical experiences as well. Take pain, for example: researchers at the University of Florida measured the amount of pain experienced by undergrads who were asked to plunge their hand into freezing water for up to three minutes (if they could stand it that long). Some had brought along a friend, while others were paired with a stranger, both of whom were told to act in a supportive way. Another group of subjects had to go it alone, while a third group found themselves paired with a person who was less than supportive. The loners and undersupported groups reported as much as 25 percent more pain than their more comforted classmates. Whether you are recovering from a big night or pushing through a tough workout (or a tough pledge period), study after study shows that having friends around reduces your suffering.

Three weeks into her freshman year, Aleah was stricken by a neurological disorder that landed her in the hospital, unable to walk and suffering from extreme migraines that didn’t respond to medication. When she returned to school that spring, she was in a wheelchair. She never missed a single class. Aleah and Alan often seemed to arrive at the same time, and Alan noticed that she went into class more energized each time that he saw her. As she was learning how to walk again, Aleah drew motivation from T&B interactions both big and small.

“Wow, what a concept,” she later told us. “I rarely stopped to think about my headache pain, my sore legs, and my next doctor’s appointment because I was focused on the friends who visited, the care packages that kept coming, and my puppy, who guarded my bed and knew not to bark and wake me. I could marvel at the kindness of complete strangers, standing in the rain to hold the door for me, at the receptionist at physical therapy who knew I loved chocolate and made sure to find out what my favorite candy bar was so that she could hand me one every time I finished a hard session.”

On Romance: From Slow Dance to No Pants

“I think about romantic relationships like maps,” said Eli.

During the opening of our class on relationships, we had just asked students what qualities had been key to their best dating and romantic relationships, and Eli’s hand shot up.

“I am a big hiker,” he explained. “so mountains are kind of my thing. When I look at maps I see an endless array of amazing paths that are waiting for me to explore. It’s just like relationships—I can’t wait to get out there and see what each one holds.”

Dan turned to the class and asked three questions:

“Who here wants to go hiking with Eli?” A bunch of hands went up and Dan joked that Eli was going to have a great semester.

“Okay, and who here is more of a city mouse than a country mouse?” Not surprisingly for a classroom of NYU students, a wide majority raised a paw.

“Who here has no preference?”

Almost nobody stirred.

“That’s what I am saying,” chimed in Eli. “When it comes to something so personal, people have their preferences, but everyone wants to experience the world.”

There is a whole world of romantic relationships out there—the question is, how do you navigate the possibilities to make it work for you?

Not all romantic relationships are alike: some are meant to last an hour, some a night, and others all four years on campus (or longer). Whether you look forward to debating existentialism together until dawn or binge-watching the latest Netflix series, whether you crave commitment or prefer to keep it casual, the most rewarding relationships are going to be the ones in which you feel the most comfortable. That may sound simple, but figuring out what you want isn’t always easy.

Your ideas of what romance should look like are influenced by what you saw growing up at home, your friends, and of course almost every sitcom or movie you’ve ever watched. Your personal fairy tale is reflected in what you text, tweet, Instagram, or Snapchat. Suggestions of what you should expect in a relationship seep into nearly every song you hear: a recent survey of Top Ten charts for country, pop, and R&B found that 92 percent of the songs mentioned sex. From dating to mating and all the reindeer games in between, not much is left to the imagination these days. So while it will come as no surprise that college students have serious trouble putting their FOMO on the subject to bed, we hope that some straight-up stats will help you understand that no matter your preference, you are not alone.

Eighty-five percent of your peers believe that everyone else is hooking up on a regular basis (from making out together to waking up together), but in reality, the number is far lower. In a 2015 study of 22,000 undergrads, a mere 8 percent said they only hooked up. Ninety-five percent of women and 77 percent of men preferred dating. Seventeen percent of female students wanted more opportunities to hook up, and almost 50 percent of men wanted the same (shocking, right?), yet more men (70 percent) than women (66 percent) wanted long-term relationships (shocked again!). Whether your preference is for Mr. Right or Ms. Right Now, he or she is out there and looking for you, too. Finding each other will likely take some trial and error, not to mention a few pints of Cherry Garcia.

When it comes to romance, there is no consensus on how to even define it, much less a compass for finding the perfect partner. Ever had a friend who became fixated on someone and was convinced they were soul mates after a weekend hookup, only to discover weeks into the relationship that The One was more lust than love? Expectations create unnecessary pressure and can lead to the most common response to a hookup: regret and/or disappointment. In one study, by the end of college, 72 percent of all college students had at least one sexual regret, and we’re not talking about the missed opportunities. We aren’t saying flings are wrong—you just need to figure out what’s right or wrong for you.

No Easy Answers

Love and romance have captivated poets and scientists alike since the beginning of time, yet neither can definitively explain matters of the heart. No subject generates as many fraught questions or as few evidence-based answers. A student named Jean joined the group clustered around Alan to ask questions after class and wanted to know what she should do about her boyfriend, who had cheated on her over the summer. She still really liked him and the boyfriend wanted them to stay together, but she had this gnawing pit in her stomach. “Would it help if I cheated on him?” she asked. (Two male students immediately raised their hands to endorse this.) “Nooo!” Alan replied. As far as we know, there is no study on the benefits of “revenge cheating.” As a therapist, Alan has seen enough cases to conclude that cheating generally pronounces doom and gloom.

College happens to be a hotbed of cheating, with over 65 percent of students reporting some infidelity. About half of students reported ending their relationship due to the wandering eyes (and hands) of their partners, but who knows what the number should really be, since only one-third of undergrads tell their partners when they have strayed. There are few greater ways to destroy trust and damage your partner, and we have yet to meet a student or patient who has improved his or her relationship by cheating.

But not all questions we get about romance are so dark! Take one of the most clichéd clichés in the book: Opposites attract. What does that even mean—jocks and geeks won’t be able to keep their hands off each other? Classical violinists and thrash metal drummers are hooking up? Entirely possible. It can be a rush to be with someone who has characteristics you don’t, though there is some evidence that clashing personalities are at risk for a future apart (it’s tough to find a happy medium when a homebody shacks up with a die-hard partyer). But no matter what any online quiz, dating site, or self-proclaimed expert tells you, there is no formula for finding the perfect significant other. If such an equation existed, it would be at the top of every news feed, every day. Forever. If you are looking for love, no matter what your personal definition, here are a few pearls of (evidence-supported) wisdom to keep in mind.

It’s More Than Skin Deep

You can find lots of studies about the value of beauty, but attractiveness actually has a fairly low correlation with well-being. For the supermodels and actors out there whose looks define their careers, this may be different, but for the majority of us, our looks do not determine our job, net worth, or happiness. Tempestuous, brooding, and mysterious may work on-screen, but if you are looking to be more than just friends, smiling people are seen as being more physically attractive, intelligent, and competent. Even the genetically blessed among us can find benefits: studies show that when we smile, we are seen as more eye-catching than other “attractive” people who don’t. It’s not as important to be beautiful as it is to feel it.

Thrive at Five

If you want to thrive in the world of coupledom, the magic number is five. University of Washington psychologist John Gottman, who has analyzed thousands of couples over the past two decades, has found that when it comes to physical and verbal interactions, those couples who had at least five positives (for example, a nod, a smile, or a sweet “You looked amazing last night”) for every negative (such as crossed arms, rolled eyes, or a snide “Is that what you’re going to wear?” were in it for the long haul. Less than 5:1, and the relationship will likely hit some turbulence, and by the time you get to one negative for every positive, you’ve got a 94 percent chance of crash-and-burn. Will you argue? Yes! Have rocky patches? No doubt! But knowing that you thrive at five can encourage you to consider the downsides of a critical word and value the upside of a kind comment.

If you find yourself picking away at your partner, stop and consider whether your 5:1 ratio has room to handle that stress. Do you really need to critique the way he smacks his lips when he eats ice cream (true case)? If so, tread lightly, but pour on the positives like chocolate sauce. Greater than 5:1 may not make a relationship perfect, but it can certainly stabilize it. Finding more positive experiences and making more positive comments to your partner are sure to build a stronger bond, and you’ll both reap the rewards.

Friends with Benefits

If you are thinking we left out an important category, you’re 100 percent wrong. Friends… with benefits. In a study of more than seven hundred undergrads, approximately 20 percent of exclusive relationships start out as FWBs. In a separate study of FWBs, about 25 percent of men and 40 percent of women expressed hope that their relationship would become more exclusive and committed as time went on. Like many aspects of romance, a dose of honest communication can move you ever closer to thriving.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Have you ever used the classic breakup line “It’s not you, it’s me”? It may sound like a cop-out, but there may be more truth to it than you think, and it can be a great cue for some introspection. Part of building a healthy relationship is understanding the conditions under which you thrive. Eli’s maps offered a world of possibilities, but his attention was drawn to the mountains and trails, for they held the greatest promise of adventure. Relationships involve a good deal of exploration, but knowing how you thrive solo—at ragers or small gatherings, with Biggie or Beethoven, at football games or fine art exhibits—is key to building something special. Just a bit of reflection about your own preferences can move you from “It’s not you, it’s me” to happier statements about “us.”

Why Can’t You Be More Like Me?

Wouldn’t life be simpler if everyone were more like you? If your roommate were more like you, she would study with classical music playing softly in the background (or crank death metal as loud as the speakers can go). If your date were more like you, she might appreciate a quiet evening together (or embrace a night of party hopping). If your professors were more like you, they would give you a few minutes to think about an answer before expecting you to answer it (or let you talk it through aloud).

But here’s the thing: they’re not you, and forgetting that fact can get in the way of some potentially great friendships. Is he really that stuck up (or is he just quiet)? Does she ever stop talking (or does she think more clearly when she speaks)? Can he possibly be such a loner (or does he wear headphones in your dorm room because he needs to wind down from a busy day)? Understanding and appreciating how people prefer to engage can help you turn the most puzzling person into a perfect pal.

You Say Tomato, I Say Nothing

Let’s rewind to first grade, when the teacher writes a simple equation on the board, turns around, and asks the class, “What is one plus one?” Before she can even finish the question, several hands shoot up into the air, straining to reach as high as possible, while monkeylike sounds of “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!” escape from enthusiastic little mouths. When called on, one of these six-year-olds might launch into a finger-illustrated discourse: “Well, let’s see, okay, one and one isn’t one, because that would just be this finger, but…,” and while he’s thinking out loud, the kids not making monkey noises are watching the scene unfold, thinking, “Oh, come on, Brad… why are you always unloading your crazy brain out loud?! Just give us the damn answer.” When the quieter kids are called on, their answer is “[pause to think… pause to think… no squealing or writhing in seat] Two.”

Welcome to “Why can’t you be more like me?” the prequel.

As the years go by, both types of kids blossom. They may develop rich interests ranging from arts and music to athletics. They might mature into responsible young adults who form relationships in different ways. Who knows… maybe they will even go to college. Yet, while they may no longer feel the need to make monkey sounds when they know the answer, the extrovert’s preferred style won’t change, and neither will the quiet contemplation of the introvert. Understanding the distinction between the two can spell the difference between loving and loathing your roommate, your study partner, or the person you just started dating.

Most people define extroverts (Es) as folks who are really outgoing, and Introverts (Is) as those who tend to keep more to themselves. While these characteristics are indeed spot-on, the terms also describe where people prefer to get their energy, how they recharge, and even how they process their thoughts and feelings. Es and Is have gas tanks that are drained and replenished in diametrically opposite ways. A super-busy day (classes, interaction, and general campus business) can be premium fuel for Es, while Is may require lower-key activities to top off their tanks. Is like to work alone or in small groups, often in a quieter place for better concentration. Es prefer to collaborate on larger teams, thriving in spaces where there is plenty of activity. The perfect party for an I may include a few close friends, some quiet music, and an evening of board games, while the invite list, atmosphere, and activities for an E are—as one clearly E student recently shouted in class—“Everyone, loud, and a lot of dancing!” And if you have ever gotten into an argument with your opposite type, this is likely how it went down: the E announced that if you would just let them say “one more thing” (and it’s never just one more thing), everything would be made totally clear, while the I sat there thinking, “If you say one more thing to me, I am so out of here.” Kaboom.

Understanding how your friends prefer to process is key. Don’t take an introvert’s silence as a personal affront, or think that an extrovert’s motor mouth is a form of attention seeking; these may just be clues to how they thrive. Considering another person’s preferred style of communication can be a first step into their shoes, turning conflict into understanding, and opening up a world of relationships for everyone.

Building Your Positives

In her wonderful TED Talk “Saving the World vs. Kissing the Girl,” former president of United Artists Pictures Lindsay Doran points out, “Audiences don’t care about accomplishments. What they care about is the moment afterward, when the accomplishment is shared.” It turns out that undergrads share good news, too, big and small, eight out of ten days, and if you want to experience more positive emotions in your relationships, how you respond to those around you can make all the difference.

University of California, Santa Barbara, psychologist Shelly Gable has shown that only one type of response boosts both participants: active constructive responding (ACR). Imagine how you would feel if you shared your college acceptance with a friend and they reacted like this:

Active constructive responding: “That’s amazing! What did the letter say?! How does it feel?! What are you most excited about?! Tell me everything!”

Pretty awesome, right? They’re stoked, you’re stoked, and you get to recelebrate the whole wonderful experience!

Now imagine if their response was more in line with one of the following three styles:

Passive constructive responding: “Cool. You must be stoked.”

Passive destructive responding: “Hmmmm… dude, check out this text I just got.”

Active destructive responding: “Whoa. I heard that school is super-competitive and crazy hard. Are you sure you’re smart enough? What if you can’t hack it? That’s really far away from home, too. Gooood… luck.”

ACR is a win-win. The others, not so much. In a study at Florida State University, Sarah Woods and her colleagues taught ACR to a group of undergrads and found that within four weeks of using it, they felt increased gratitude and closeness in their friendships. In another study, students reported feeling happier and more satisfied with their lives when people responded to their success with the active and constructive style. In some cases, sharing good news felt even better than the experience itself.

Friendships Worth Fighting For

You can go all ACR and cheerlead, listen, observe, and thoughtfully respond your heart out, but every relationship goes through tough times. Unless you are next in line to be the Dalai Lama (and if you are, namaste and you are invited to lecture in our class anytime you would like), you are going to lose your temper, or respond poorly to a friend who does, and when you do, sha-pow, it is so on. Based on more than forty years of research, the University of Denver’s Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) can help you to identify your triggers and turn down the heat before you boil over.

These are PREP’s four warning signs that the conversation is moving below the belt:

Yellow Flag #1: Escalation

Escalation is any moment when two people are raising the level of negativity with each response:

Chris: You promised me you were going to clean today.

Em (louder): What is your problem? Chill, Martha Stewart.

Chris (louder): Excuse me if I don’t like living in a pigsty! Is it so hard to just pick up your dirty clothes and garbage so my boyfriend doesn’t have to step over them? It’s gross!

Em (yelling): It’s my room, too! Why don’t you paint a perfect line in the middle so you can stick to your perfect side with your perfect boyfriend and let me wallow in my sty if I want to!

Bigger, bigger, BOOM! Escalation can feel good at first, when you are all fired up and righteous, but when you calm down, you get the guilty, emotionally messy hangover and feel stupid about things that are tough to take back.

Solutions

Turn up the humor, turn down the volume, and speak from the heart.

Humor: Crack a joke, tango with your pillow, do your best Sia impersonation. Making your friend laugh is like hitting a reset button. And don’t forget that positive emotions change the way we think… and can prime us to find solutions.

Honesty: A heartfelt “Hey, this is hard for me and I don’t want to yell” can bring you both down to earth and stop an argument in its tracks.

Volume: When you lower your voice, the person you are fighting with is more likely to lower theirs as well.

Yellow Flag #2: Invalidation

Invalidation happens anytime you demean the other person or minimize what they are saying. There are extreme forms of invalidation, like “That’s stupid.” But there are also subtler ways, such as “That’s so obvious” (said with eye-roll). One type of invalidation that can take a conflict to the next level is when we use “never” or “all the time.” “You always do this” means you are attacking them, not addressing the incident, and that is a deep hole to dig yourself out of.

Solution

Speak for yourself.

Begin your statements with “I” (followed by your feelings) rather than “you” (followed by accusations): “I’m frustrated that the dishes weren’t done, I thought we all agreed to pitch in” sounds a lot better than “You’re such a pig.” This way, you ratchet down the aggression and avoid character attacks—and you’re a lot more likely to end up with a clean sink, too.

Yellow Flag #3: Negative Interpretation

Negative interpretation is when we assume the worst about someone’s actions.

Unanswered texts from a friend (clearly you are no longer important) or your study partner’s lukewarm comments that your work is “fine” (obviously polite-speak for “You’re a useless idiot”) are prime opportunities to find insult where none was intended. If you’re that gifted at mind reading, you need to set up a toll-free number and a PayPal account, ASAP. For the 99.9 percent nonpsychic majority of us, though, relying on runaway assumptions is a recipe for disaster.

Solution

The only mind you should be reading is your own.

Negative interpretation is often the projection of your own fears and worries, so leave the other person out of it and turn the lens on yourself. When we stop assuming we know what others are thinking, we create space to consider other scenarios that won’t damage the relationship. Rein in your imagination and rationally consider three alternative positive scenarios (for a step-by-step process, have a look at the ABCDE method in the optimism exercises here). Taking time to consider the less hurtful alternatives can not only help you deal in the moment, but can kick off a habit that will be beneficial in the long term as well.

Yellow Flag #4: Withdrawal

Withdrawal is simply refusing to participate in an important discussion. This creates a dynamic where the other person becomes the pursuer, and it is usually the beginning of a cycle.

Carlos: What’s up? You’ve been really quiet with me this week.

Lane: It’s nothing.

Carlos: C’mon. Something’s up. We should figure it out before it gets bad.

Lane: All good. Gotta roll. (Lane then avoids the discussion… forever.)

Solution

Kick the habit.

Withdrawer: Talk. Withdrawal can turn into a bad habit because it feels so much better than confrontation. And whether it was your intent or not, it’s exciting to be pursued. You need to make a difficult (and yet obvious) decision to protect either the habit or the relationship. You might find it helpful to begin with these words: “This is really hard for me. I tend to withdraw from conflict, so be patient…”

Pursuer: It takes two to play at this game, and if you are the cat to your friend’s mouse, you can just… stop… chasing. Let your friend know that you are ready to talk when she is. If you’ve done her wrong, apologize and give her the space to forgive. As for the great fear: What if the silent treatment never ends? If she’s more invested in the silent treatment than in you… it’s on her.

The Relationships That Lead to Great Jobs and Great Lives

Richard J. Light, Harvard University professor and the author of Making the Most of College, has long asked incoming freshmen, “What do you see as your job for this term?” After letting the students meander for a while, he hits them with one of the best-kept secrets of finding success in college and beyond: Get to know a prof and make sure that a prof gets to know you. A 2014 poll of more than thirty thousand college graduates found that the odds of being engaged at work postgraduation doubled when they had a professor who cared about them as a person. When they enjoyed a professor who made them excited about learning and had a mentor who encouraged their goals and dreams as well, their odds of thriving in all areas took nearly the same leap.

Of course, for your professors to care about you as a person, they have to know that you exist. At the beginning of every semester, we encourage students to come say hello, and we make time for office hours or a chat and stroll across campus, and at least 25 percent of our crew of 450 take us up on the offer. Some come to discuss topics in class, or for advice about pursuing related careers. Others take Alan aside to ask for help with their own mental health issues and challenges, or spend time with Dan to explore how they can integrate diverse interests or pursue excellence in a healthy way. Many just come to get to know us.

You can also try your coaches or advisors, or even someone you’ve long admired or think is a long shot. When he was in grad school, Dan emailed a request for a few minutes with K. Anders Ericsson, the father of the 10,000-hours theory of expert development and an enormously influential psychologist. Ericsson’s enthusiastic response (seven minutes later) was “Dan, I will probably learn more from you than you will from me.” A lot of your potential mentors feel that way. For many of us, great relationships with students go well beyond talking at you from the front of a classroom. Step up to introduce yourself, and we can both learn a lot about college and life.

Opportunities for Action

Exercise: PREPare (Not) to Do Battle

One or two of the PREP warning signs above probably prompted a solid “Whoa… that’s totally me.” Let’s prep you to deal with the yellow flags next time they appear. Write down your go-to warning sign. When was the last time it showed up?

Write down the three things you could have done to either prevent the warning sign from happening or stop it once the ball was rolling:

Awareness is the first step toward creating change, and looking at your past patterns can help you identify your triggers and potential solutions. Set rules for what you are allowed to do during your next conflict and leave that danger sign out. If you are a withdrawer, choose to sit down and participate. If you are an invalidator, try to avoid accusations and generalizations about the other person. A clue for observing these statements is whether or not you are using the word “you,” as in “You always do X, you are X, you think X.” Describe their behavior and your reaction to it (“When you do X, I feel Y”) and it is much less likely to come off as an invalidation.

Every time you catch yourself mind reading, take a minute to think of alternative scenarios. To defuse the escalation bomb, strategize in advance. You will take deep breaths. You will not “rehearse,” or spend your time preparing to defeat your opponent. Heck, stop using the word “opponent” and trying to win, and start trying to understand: you’re a friend, not a frickin’ gladiator.

Learning how to handle conflict is a lifelong practice, so start now. Healthy arguments hold the promise of hurdles overcome together, friendships bonded richly, and of course, the opportunity to laugh about things down the road.

Exercise: Build the Positives

Celebrate a victory with a friend—be it over a burger or on a stroll between classes—and you can elevate the experience from good to Greatest of All Time. If your friend has aced a test, has nabbed an internship, or is just sharing the news of a good day, play it up and join in the jubilation. It’s a win-win: encouraging discussion, engaging enthusiastically, and helping to actively celebrate someone else’s great experience can generate the benefits of positive emotion for everyone involved.

If you are unsure what type of response style you are using, or recognize yourself in any quadrant that is not ACR, try these simple steps to make a habit:

1. Set a goal for yourself to respond in the ACR style at least three times each day for a week. You can set yourself up with opportunities by asking people how they’re doing or how their weekend has been.

2. Be an active celebrant by keeping eye contact and showing genuine enthusiasm (yes, you should put your phone away!).

3. Celebrate with them (“That is great!”) and ask at least two questions that help them relive the experience (“How did you feel?” “What was the best part of it?”).

4. Keep track of your daily count. Even better, write about each conversation at the end of the day in a journal. You’ll soon begin to notice that by giving these gifts to your friends, you are cementing the friendships.

The Takeaway

The Big Idea

There is no greater indicator of happiness and success in college than the quality of your relationships.

Be Sure to Remember

Positive relationships predict greater engagement, higher-quality work, higher GPAs, higher well-being, greater self-esteem, lower rates of depression, and a better response to stressful situations.

Our friends can give us far more than the common cold. Be they good or bad, mood, habits, health, and even traits such as creativity are viral.

Finding the right mentor (one who cares about you as a person and/or shares your interests) results in greater well-being and success in work and life both during and after college.

Making It Happen

When your friends bring you good news, make a point of celebrating it enthusiastically and asking them questions to help savor it.

Reach out to people precisely when stress makes you want to withdraw. Instead of shutting everyone else out to do nothing but study (or hiding under the covers after a breakup), make friends your go-to move.

Write a detailed letter of gratitude to someone who has had a positive influence on your life. Send it to them, or if you can present it to them in person, even better. (Visit www.uthrive.info for the full exercise.)