Being of Power

“Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

— RAINER MARIA RILKE

The global spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, commonly uses the phrase, “I don’t know.” In his many interviews and public speeches, when asked a question for which he has no answer, with a grin on his face and without apology he will simply reply, “I don’t know.”

That seems kind of surprising, doesn’t it? How can one of the most revered spiritual leaders on the planet not know the answer to something? Even more, how could he be so completely at peace with that?

The Dalai Lama naturally embodies another key tool of transformation, which is to get comfortable with not knowing. “I don’t know” isn’t a stance of ignorance or weakness; actually, it’s just the opposite. “I don’t know” is powerful, for it’s a very high state of learning that allows you to dance with the creative energy of inquiry and self-discovery.- When you believe that you already know everything, you’re all sewn up, and there’s no room for anything new. When we live from inquiry, we open ourselves up and gain access to new ways of seeing.

We all want answers, right? The reason those late-night infomercials are so popular is because everyone wants a fix. Just give us the simple steps, the quick fix, the how-to process. That’s how we’re conditioned; answers make us feel secure. Whenever we encounter a situation that’s uncomfortable for us, we try so hard to figure out how to get through it. Not having a resolution is threatening to us.

Consider for a moment that your need to know is what limits you. There’s a big difference between searching for a solution (for example, rushing the process) and living from a state of inquiry and curiosity. Just getting answers is easy. We can go to the Internet and find whatever we need, and the mind likes that. The problem is that we usually stop there. Tell us how to fix it, and then we’re done.

Our need to know comes from our desire for control and predictability. We’re wired up to play it safe and not fail, and this is what keeps us on a treadmill of collecting answers. We think we’ll finally land in some sort of comfort zone if we just figure out how to do things the right way. Not our way, not a way, but the right way. We’re absolutely sure that someone else out there knows what it is, and our need to figure it out becomes an addiction. This keeps us squarely in the realm of the head, where our power to create gets squelched and the messages from our own heart get drowned out.

The world conspires in this illusion, because it wants to sell us an answer. We ask “How?” and the world whispers, “This way.” We don’t trust our own inner knowing, so we live from someone else’s advice. The problem is that their solution came out of their experience, not our own. Sure, their opinions and ideas might be helpful or even empowering, but in the big picture, how fulfilling is it to live based on someone else’s answers?

The other issue with getting answers in this way is that this supposed fixed knowledge becomes a sort of lens through which you relate to your situation. Perhaps it works for a while, but life isn’t static, and neither are you. At a certain point, what works for you changes. You know how it’s been said that you can never step into the same river twice because the water is always flowing? Well, it’s the same with life. It’s malleable, always moving, and forever changing. The knowledge and insight you get today may be really useful, and may even lead to a huge breakthrough. But by tomorrow, it’s yesterday’s news, because each day you awaken standing in a new river.

So let’s say that you get an answer to something you’ve been stuck on. A powerful practice is to pause there, open your eyes, and be willing to look beyond the answer into what you have not yet seen. Can you temporarily put it on a shelf and keep going into “I don’t know what else it is that I don’t know or see” and live in the realm of inquiry? This is a practice of being a yes: interested, curious, and open to discovering yourself and whatever lies beyond the obvious.

We start to get comfortable with not knowing when we remove the idea that there’s something wrong with it. We rush to get to conclusions, because we’re programmed to view uncertainty as a problem. Yet an artist doesn’t view a blank canvas as a crisis; she sees limitless creative possibility in it. Raw possibility is something we can feel. It’s actually kind of cool when we can experience it in that way, rather than it being something to panic about. Huge opportunities are lost when we rush to fill this fertile, empty space.

Often our need to know shows up as a question of how. That’s what people in my trainings always seem to want to know: how do I have a breakthrough, how do I do the poses right, how do I lead the right way, how do I get unstuck, how do I fix the situation that is causing me to struggle. When we’re stuck in the question of “how,” we are expressing doubt in ourselves and our intuitive power to create. It’s as if we’re mechanics who lack the right tool to get the job done.

This is not an argument against learning how to do something, which can, of course, be helpful, necessary, and even important. Rather, it raises the possibility that there are more expansive questions from which to generate growth. Consider that how to do it right, how to fix it, how to solve it, how to do it better, and so on should be asked later rather than sooner. We can be so quick to get practical right away that we create limitations on what we might discover if we ask instead, “What is possible?” We diminish ourselves to being overly pragmatic and technical, as the artist and visionary in us gets lost.

Marcus was a dynamic, funny guy who came to a workshop feeling stuck and struggling in most areas of his life. He was especially ready to have a breakthrough in his way of relating to the people close to him, wanting to feel more connected. Throughout the week, he generously shared with other participants the insights he was getting from the program about how he could do that.

At one point, Marcus came up to the microphone and waited patiently (or so it seemed) while the person in front of him finished speaking. Then he took the mic and said, “You know, I was going to share something completely different than what I’m about to say. Because I just realized about 45 seconds ago that as present as I think I am, I spent the entire time up here rehearsing in my head what I was going to talk about. I didn’t hear a word that anyone else shared, and that’s pretty much exactly what I do all the time at home and with everyone in my life.”

I acknowledged Marcus for his capacity to listen to how and from where he was listening and his ability to distinguish the voice in his head from what he was actually hearing other people say. That was a true breakthrough in relating to others.

I then asked Marcus if he finds that people generally don’t listen to him, and if he was often left feeling unheard in his relationships. He responded with an astounding, “Yes! My wife doesn’t listen to me, and neither does my family. It’s as if I’m never heard or understood.” I offered him a tip: “You want to focus on being really committed to paying attention to others. Start getting interested in what your friends and family members are saying—really engage—and you’ll see that this will shape how they focus on you when you speak.”

Transformation occurs by shifting how you listen. When you do so from a space of genuine curiosity and get interested in what others have to say, you create the possibility of deep connection. Listening from “I don’t know” rather than “I already know” opens up that same new space of discovery. You already know and have all the stuff that’s in your head … what else might be available to you by moving beyond that?

There’s a very funny recording made by the Indian meditation teacher Osho about how the word fuck has replaced God in our language as the universal word of choice. One of the participants, Nancy, had heard the recording at her first training course with me and was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face.

Well, Nancy ended up taking the course a second time, and when we got to this part her brain immediately went to, “Oh … I know this recording. I know what’s coming. I thought it was hilarious the first time I heard it, too.” Her listening was constrained by a “been there, done that” filter, which took her out of the present experience.

So while 150 other participants were cracking up, Nancy just kind of sat there, feeling a little smug. And then, as the group kept on laughing, she saw what she’d done. She’d been so caught up in what she’d already experienced that she didn’t allow for the possibility that something would strike her in a new way this time. Her way of listening had closed her off from experiencing something fresh in the present moment.

I know that most of you reading this already know a great deal. The good news is that you get to keep all the knowledge and insight you already have. And that’s awesome. But listening for what you don’t already know will give you access to something new.

Consider that maybe, like Marcus, the opportunities for growth aren’t inside your head, but in your ability to hear others and distinguish what will empower rather than mentally writing your script while waiting for your turn to talk. Listen from a space of, “I am expanding my awareness and getting a deeper sense of this person. I suspend what I know and step fully into what she’s sharing to see what it sparks in me.”

When we drop our judgments about whether what they’re saying is right or wrong or if we agree or disagree and just listen with curiosity, we can see ourselves in other people’s experiences. Intentional listening from the heart enables us to create space and experience new possibilities and growth for our own lives.

You know who you are, right? But think about it for a moment … do you really? Consider that you don’t know everything that’s available for you to know about who you are. That’s good news, because it puts you on a path of discovery.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, you most likely cling to your sense of who you are. There’s a good chance that you identify with the accomplishments and achievements that it has brought you. You’re not just a lawyer, mom, student, or whatever. Yes, they may be accurate labels to describe roles that you play, but they don’t answer the question, Who are you? Those are layers of “not us” that obscure who we really are underneath.

We don’t actually “figure out” who we are. That’s just another quest for finite answers. We get to it by giving up the “not us.” We start peeling the onion, layer by layer, letting go of the layers of adopted identity: all the people pleasing, the roles we’ve taken on to make sure we look good, and the scripts we’ve been using. We begin to see the areas where we’ve adopted or inherited those ideas about who we should and shouldn’t be in order to fit in and adapt to our environment. This is an inquiry about giving up the false sense of self—which has been in the driver’s seat of our lives—and identifying what’s most important to us and getting in alignment with what’s in our hearts. Giving up the “not us” is the process and the path, and it all starts with accepting that we may not really know who we are just yet.

When we shed a layer of who we’ve been pretending to be, we don’t know who the new us is yet. Standing in that new, exposed space, without the security of what we believed to be true about ourselves, can be extremely uncomfortable. Often, our first instinct is to run back to the safety of our old ways.

I’ll never forget this story that a student named Taylor shared. Taylor made some mistakes when he was in his early 20s, and as a result served three years in a federal prison. On the day he was released, he stood outside the prison door, terrified to walk the 100 yards to the fence that stood between him and the outside world. He knew there was a new life waiting for him on the other side, but emotionally, all he wanted to do was turn around and go back to the comfort of the reality he’d known for a good part of his young life. Imagine choosing the hell of prison over the freedom to create your life. It’s something a lot of us do, even when there aren’t any iron bars.

Taylor didn’t know what was on the other side for him. Standing there in that yard, he was right on the edge between his comfort zone and the realm of pure possibility. Every time we peel back a layer, we stand at that same edge. The right question is not, “Will I survive if I step out of my comfort zone?” but rather, “Will I survive my comfort zone?” Transformation happens right in those moments when rather than running back to our self-created prisons, we embrace the unknown and ask ourselves, “What’s available to me from here?”

Any student who has taken a Baptiste Yoga class, workshop, or bootcamp has been reminded that it’s not called a yoga perfect, it’s a yoga practice. There’s no end goal in and of itself, but when we get intentional and committed to creating the bigger-picture results that we want (transforming fear, pain, and stress into strength, vitality, and confidence), then breakthroughs happen. The results come from showing up; doing the work; and going past those physical and attitudinal edges where you’d rather flee than stay, breathe, and move forward.

Inquiry is also an ongoing practice throughout our lives. Transformation isn’t something that happens once and then we’re done; it’s a lifelong path of self-renewal and taking responsibility for ourselves. It takes humility to realize that yesterday’s transformation is today’s ego trip.

We want to give up the idea that we’ve already done the work—that we’ve “arrived.” Mr. Iyengar used to say, “The minute you think you’ve arrived, you get squashed like a bug.” When we get all filled up with knowledge and accomplishment, we become proud. There’s a kind of righteousness that we can get, because it gives us a sense of being more advanced than others. There’s a lot of that in the yoga world—people thinking that they’re more enlightened yogis because they can do handstands or they’re super bendy or more evolved than others because they meditate every day.

So there we are, thinking we’ve arrived and feeling pretty proud of ourselves … and then bam! The universe comes along and delivers a fist right to the belly, just to remind us that our journey is not finished—that we still have blind spots and there is more room to grow. I’ve reached points in my life where I thought I had things all figured out, only to be taken out by a sucker punch from the universe. My knees have hit the ground and I’ve landed in the emotional fetal position on many occasions, but each time has been a great source of learning for me. In those moments when I gave up the righteousness and asked, “What am I not seeing that I need to see?” I discovered powerful lessons that turned the breakdowns into breakthroughs. I saw how humility is a key tool when we hit bottom, that there’s a kind of surrender to a higher power that comes from giving up our insistence to do it our way.

What I am saying here is not to diminish or take away from all of the personal development you have done. At this point in your life, you’ve probably amassed an immense amount of answers, knowledge, and wisdom. Maybe you’ve immersed yourself in growth work, vision questing, prayer, and practices such as yoga and meditation. You’ve been mentored, coached, taught, and been a teacher and coach to others. But what you’ve done in the past, no matter how beneficial, is in the past. You’ve got to let go of that and create a space for the new growth, but thoughts such as, I already did that, I already figured that out, or I already got what I needed from this don’t allow for real depth and mastery.

Rather than thinking you’re already evolved enough because you’ve done all this work, you can take the position of, “Yeah, I’ve done work to a certain level, but there’s always the next transformation that’s looking for me and another possibility that wants me.” In my experience, learning and discovery never end. Every new level is a new view. Yours up until now may have been from one side of the mountain, but there’s always another vantage point from which to create anew. Call yourself out whenever you start slipping into believing that you’ve arrived, because it’s a crock. If you want to be of power, you’ll need to keep shifting your vision to the next level and maintain an open inquiry of “I know that I don’t know” and “I don’t know what I don’t know.”

The most empowered place we can be is not, “I’ve got it all figured out.” It’s to be brave enough to ask the questions over and over, “What am I not seeing that’s limiting me? What do I need to see that’s new for me?” We’re afraid to ask that, because we’re worried about what we might have to confront and deal with as a result. But that’s what frees us: facing what we need to face, giving up what we need to give up, and being a yes for what’s next.

So can you get comfortable with the idea that you haven’t “arrived” yet? Can you give up your need to know what’s next and just get curious, be in inquiry, and open to a breakthrough even if you don’t know what it is at this point?