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When Bill Farrel returned to his office after a radio interview about his book, Let Her Know You Love Her: 100 Ways to Make Your Wife’s Day, he found this phone message: “Hey, I just heard some guy on Mighty Sports 90, and he was talking about some book I need. I think it was something like 100 Ways to Make Your Old Lady’s Day. I think I need that book.”28
He not only needed the book, he could use a lesson in talking about his spouse. None of us wants to be someone’s old lady. But I suppose if we were completely honest, on some days we may feel like an old lady.
To fight against senioritis, begin by “thinking young,” as Robin and Jack did in Day 11’s reading. What activities made you feel close to your spouse in your younger days? A simple thing like holding hands again can do wonders. When James and I were first dating, we held hands everywhere we went. The warmth of his hand pressing against mine thrilled me and made me feel tingly all over. After having kids, I think I held my kid’s hands more often crossing the street or walking through a parking lot. But when I remembered to reach out for the hand of my spouse, the warmth of those first days returned.
When life goes into overdrive, sex tends to take a backseat. Many women are just plain exhausted from working, caring for children, volunteering, planning grown children’s weddings, or scraping up enough money for college tuition. Add menopause to the mix and it can complicate things even further.
When you stop ovulating, you forfeit that regularly scheduled boost in your sex drive. You lose estrogen, which had been working in your favor to elevate mood and interest in sex. Estrogen also works to increase sensation, making sex more pleasurable. Over time, vaginal tissue begins to dry and shrink, making intercourse more uncomfortable. “This can be easily remedied by use of an artificial lubricant,” writes Ed Wheat, MD, in his book Intended for Pleasure. “You can avoid the problem by taking estrogen or using a vaginal cream containing estrogen, which is absorbed through the vaginal wall.”29
In addition to the physical changes happening on the inside of your body, changes are happening on the outside too. Graying hair, wrinkles, and a few extra pounds can make you feel less attractive to your spouse. Pam Farrel, coauthor of Red-Hot Monogamy, suggests scheduling a little bit of quiet time, taking a 20-minute nap, soaking in a bubble bath, or changing into your favorite outfit that makes you feel sexy to get in the mood. “Your marriage needs you to invest in it, so it’s richer and hotter in life’s second half. If you take a little extra time and TLC for yourself to accomplish this, it’s a worthy spiritual goal,” says Farrel.30
Maybe it’s not your libido that’s shutting down but your husband’s. He used to want to make love all the time, but now he’s more interested in the nightly news. You may feel rejected or puzzled by your husband’s lack of interest, but don’t focus on yourself. Instead, try to understand what’s going on with your husband and help him in a loving, unselfish, undemanding manner. Dr. Wheat sheds light on the subject for men over 50:
The man over fifty must accept normal changes in his sexual capabilities. If he tries to hold himself to his twenty-one-year-old performance, he will at times fail and may experience acute anxiety. If he adapts gracefully to minor physiological changes, he can enjoy sex for many years to come. He should remember that what he has “lost” in youthful vigor, he has gained in capacity to express his love in a mature, more meaningful, and more skillful manner.31
You are the most important person when it comes to making your husband feel completely capable and comfortable with lovemaking. So what can you do to enjoy more intimacy with your spouse?
Talk About It. Some good friends (who will remain unnamed) asked us a funny question the first time we had dinner together. They said, “So, where is the craziest place you ever did it?” My husband and I are pretty open, but we had never answered a question like that before at a restaurant. Needless to say, there was lots of laughter, partial disclosure, and a close friendship was born.
It may be a bit inappropriate to talk about your sex life with friends, but it should be a comfortable subject of conversation with your spouse. “One of the most erotic things you can do is talk about what you want in bed,” Pam Farrel says. Here are a few questions she suggests:
• What do you enjoy?
• What have been your most memorable moments in the bedroom this year?
• Why did that mean so much to you?32
The more you think and talk about intimacy, the more you have intimacy. You get more of what you measure.
Be Creative. My friend Lori is a busy homeschooling mom with six children (some grown, some still at home), yet she and her husband, Don, have been able to keep a steady date night for the past 24 years. Once a week after dinner, the kids would have a special movie night while Lori and Don had a romantic date at home (or out when the kids were older). They would eat together over candlelight, talk, and enjoy each other’s company. It didn’t take much money, but it has paid tremendous dividends. I can attest to the newlywed like quality of their love and affection for each other.
When it comes to physical intimacy, make it a priority to spend quality time together, no matter how busy you are. Be willing to try different things. If you feel stuck in a rut with your lovemaking, try changing the location, mood music, or what you wear. Use massage oil or an aromatic candle, anything to provide a unique experience. I once tried to do a “Dance of the Seven Veils,” but it was more of a comedy act than a sexy show. First, I don’t know how to belly dance, and second, I didn’t have any veils. I used handkerchiefs, bandanas, sarongs, and even a winter scarf. It wasn’t sexy, but it was funny.
Use Anticipation. Send your spouse a love note to let him know Friday night is going to be a special night. You can send him a manila envelope with sexy underwear in it. Or send him five notes over five days, complimenting him each day about something you appreciate. When you put sex on the calendar and set it up as a main event, it gives you and your spouse something fun to look forward to.
Don’t let this joke depict your sex life after midlife:
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth.”33
Thought for Rejuvenation
There’s a huge difference between being tolerated and being wanted. Do you tolerate or want your husband sexually? Does it feel like he tolerates or wants you?
Act of eXpression
Talk about this chapter with your spouse. Use some of Pam Farrel’s suggested questions:
What do you enjoy?
What have been your most memorable moments in the bedroom this year?
Why did that mean so much to you?
Plan a date night that includes unhurried, intimate time with your spouse.