Honey, We Need to Talk

I’M SITTING HERE wondering, Why are so many married couples unhappy with their physical relationship? We have two persons who are physically attracted to each other, love each other, and want to make love. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with this natural, beautiful experience?

You know me well enough by now to realize I’m not being serious. I know exactly why so many couples are struggling in the bedroom. It’s because of the many incredible differences between a man and a woman.

All these differences make sex challenging enough. But it doesn’t stop there. Add your jobs, day-to-day stress, the speed of life, family responsibilities, home and automobile maintenance, bill paying, and the million little things you both have to do to keep your lives and relationship running at least sort of smoothly, and the ability to connect sexually grows even more challenging.

And then you go and have a child. What were you thinking? Now your sex life is in real trouble. The child is always around and has a ton of needs that never end!

You know what? I’m surprised any couple is having great sex. I’m surprised any couple is having sex at all!

You have physical attraction obviously, or you wouldn’t be together. You also love each other, and that’s good. But physical attraction and love are not enough to create a consistently passionate and meaningful sex life. Not by a long shot.

Just as has been the case with the previous nine essential areas we’ve covered, to be successful in your physical relationship, you need to (1) talk honestly and openly—in detail—about sex and (2) follow a game plan for improvement. If you don’t do these two things, nothing will change in the bedroom. Actually your sex life will change. It will get worse and worse until you’re not having sex at all.

Let me state the obvious: it can be, and usually is, difficult and super awkward to talk about your sex life. Sex is an extremely private and sensitive topic. It is a time when you are at your most vulnerable. Here are some common concerns I have heard from couples in my private practice and my responses:

Client: I’m afraid I will really hurt my spouse if I tell the truth about our sex life.

Me: You will really hurt your spouse if you don’t tell the truth about your sex life. Things will only get better if you talk honestly about what is happening in the bedroom.

Me: No, I don’t think so. If you speak in a loving, kind way with a clear emphasis on wanting to improve your lovemaking, anger is rarely the response. If your spouse does get angry, you have bigger problems than your sex life.

Me: You’re kidding, right? No area of marriage comes naturally, unless it’s making mistakes. You have to work at sex to get the most out of it, and that means talking about it.

Client: Our sex isn’t great, but at least it’s working. I’d hate to make it worse by talking about it.

Me: I hope you don’t settle for mediocre sex. It doesn’t take long for mediocre sex to become lousy sex. You cannot make it worse by talking about it. You will make it worse by not talking about it.

Client: I’m afraid that if we talk about sex, my spouse will ask me to do sexual things I don’t want to do.

Me: That could happen, but you have every right to explain why you don’t want to do certain sexual actions. Talking about sex will settle these matters and put your mind at ease because you won’t have to worry about being asked to do them. And with honest dialogue you two can get past unhealthy blocks and—with mutual agreement—try new things in your sex life.

One important message before we go further. If you are a couple and not married, the information in this chapter will be great preparation for your future sex life. In God’s plan sexual intercourse is only to take place when you are married. So you two will be applying and practicing only the section on emotional and spiritual connection. Read the other sections for informational purposes, but I don’t want you to practice these sexual actions until after you are married.

How Are We Doing?

• Rate your physical love life on a scale of one to ten, with one being nonexistent and ten being fantastic.

• What is good about your physical relationship?

• What is not good? What is not working for you in the bedroom?

• If you’re struggling to achieve sexual pleasure and satisfaction, what do you think is impeding you? What has changed to make sex less enjoyable, less exciting, less fulfilling?

• Ask your partner what you can do to better meet his or her physical intimacy needs. Ask your partner to give you detailed scenarios so you can know precisely what to do differently (assuming it is mutually acceptable).

You probably won’t be surprised to hear that I have four practical steps you can take to get your sex life back on track and keep it on track. These steps aren’t theory. I know they work. They’ve worked for Sandy and me and for many other couples who have come to me with sexual problems.

Great sex requires great preparation. Great preparation means connecting emotionally and spiritually prior to intercourse. News alert: sexual pleasure does not begin in the bedroom! We actually make love in the kitchen, the living room, and the car, and while we’re walking, talking, and eating. Sex is not merely a physical act. It is an emotional and spiritual act, as well as a physical one.

All a man needs for arousal is to see his wife’s naked body. His arousal is immediate and caused by the visual. If only the woman could get aroused immediately by seeing her husband naked. That would be a perfect sexual world for us men.

Of course we don’t live in a perfect world. The woman becomes sexually aroused through emotional and spiritual connection to her man. Deep conversation and spiritual bonding through prayer and spiritual sharing play a big role in producing in her a passionate desire for her man.

Bummer! all you guys are thinking. But actually it’s not a bummer. The man needs these emotional and spiritual connections just as much as the woman. When you bond as a couple in these two areas, the walls between you come down and you both are ready for great sex.

I’ve already taught you how to connect on these emotional and spiritual levels in chapters 1–5. Follow the guidelines I offer in these chapters in your three Couple Talk Times each week, and the frequency and passion of your sex will go way up. It won’t be just the regular, run-of-the-mill, mediocre sex; it will be intense, stimulating, fun sex.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if you could have sex spontaneously whenever the mood strikes you? You walk into the kitchen on a weekday morning and kiss your woman passionately. She purrs, “You want me, don’t you? I want you too—bad. I can’t wait until tonight. No, really. I can’t wait, and I won’t wait. Let’s make sweet love right now.”

All right, it’s time to leave Fantasy World. Join Sandy and me in Reality Land, where life is busy and a thousand and one daily obstacles get in the way of making love.

Spontaneous sex is a slim-to-none proposition when you don’t have kids. Have even one child, and it becomes an absolute impossibility. Children are wonderful, but they cramp your sexual style big time.

It’s true: scheduling sex will lead to better sex. Why? First, because scheduling it will ensure you have it. You can’t have better sex if you’re not having sex, you know? Plus you’ll have it much more often.

Second, scheduling sex helps you both to get ready for your physical time together. You’ll have time to connect emotionally and spiritually in one or two Couple Talk Times. You’ll save your energy so you’re not exhausted by the time you reach the bedroom. And you’ll enjoy the anticipation and get yourself in the mood.

A quick word about kids and not allowing them to ruin your sex life: if your children are small, get them to bed early on the evenings you have planned to make love. (In fact, get them to bed at a decent hour every night, so you have time to build your relationship.)

If they keep coming out of their rooms, lock them in. I’m not kidding. We had a deal with our small kids: stay in bed, and your door will stay open; leave your bed, and your door will be closed and locked. If a child’s door was locked, we left a night-light on, and later in the evening we’d open the door.

If your children are older, they will already be in their rooms in the evening—because they hate you. (I’m kidding, of course.) Simply tell them to stay in their rooms for the next hour because Mom and Dad will be having a special time together. Upon hearing this message, your teenagers will go throw up in the bathroom and run back to their rooms. They’ll lock their doors, play loud music, hide under their covers, and mumble to themselves over and over, “They’re just talking in there. They’re just talking in there. They’re just talking . . . ”

One more thing: put a heavy door with a dead bolt on your bedroom. You want to make absolutely certain that no one—children, other family members, intruders, or houseguests—can get into your love nest.

There are times when you’re forced to have a “quickie.” You’ve missed a few opportunities for sex, and so when you get a brief window (“Johnny’s at the neighbor’s house, and Susie’s piano lesson will last another twenty minutes”), you seize it. But these times should be the exception and not the rule. This kind of speedy sex is more difficult for the wife to pull off, but it means a lot to the husband. Men, make sure you show your appreciation for these times.

Great sex requires time in foreplay. Without foreplay the sex act itself isn’t particularly endearing or meaningful. Do you know what I mean? Extended foreplay is fun, exciting, and a unique, God-designed, super way of showing love, and it gets you both prepared for intercourse.

Caressing, touching, kissing, massaging, and fondling are all important. Foreplay is truly making love and leads to increasing levels of arousal for both the man and the woman.

Foreplay should last at least twenty-five to thirty minutes, or until both partners are sufficiently aroused and ready for orgasm. Keep in mind, men, that the average woman takes close to a half hour to reach full sexual arousal and to reach readiness for orgasm. In fact, most women do not achieve orgasm in the act of intercourse; thus, for the woman, foreplay is of great importance, and her husband should be eminently aware of this fact.

Extended foreplay has many benefits. The woman becomes aroused and lubricated. The man becomes even more aroused. The woman may have an orgasm. She will feel that the sexual experience is not just about the man, but about both of them. This time before intercourse is extremely enjoyable and is a wonderful way of expressing your love. And it leads to a more intense and pleasurable orgasm for both husband and wife.

The “afterglow,” the time following orgasms, is particularly important to the woman. Continuing to kiss and share loving words at that point means a great deal to her. Among other things it assures her that her husband is not just interested in the physical act but truly loves her and wants her for herself.

You will struggle sexually at times. All couples do. Agree right up front that it’s always our problem—it is never your problem or my problem. In my experience as a clinical psychologist, it’s just as common for the man to struggle in this sensitive area as it is for the woman. You face the problem together, and you work through it together.

If you are unable to resolve a sexual issue, go together to a Christian licensed therapist who has expertise in the area of sexuality. Sexual problems can often be symptoms of individual or relationship issues. A number of personal issues could be the source, such as abuse as a child, unresolved issues with an ex-spouse, stress, performance anxiety, depression, or poor self-esteem.

In the relational realm, conflict and tension between partners can easily—and quickly—damage and kill the sexual relationship. Scripture’s instruction is “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (Eph. 4:26–27, NASB).

Add to that these profound words from God: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32, NASB).

Sometimes sexual problems have a physical origin. To rule out this case, see a gynecologist or urologist to get a thorough checkup.

Do not—do not—let a sexual problem go and try to move on without coming to a mutually satisfying solution with your partner. What you are missing will not correct itself.

As with all ten essential areas, honest communication is the key to success and intimacy. Have regular conversations—at least once a month—about your physical relationship. What’s going well? What would each of you like to change?

When you hit obstacles and difficulties in bed—and you will—talk about them and take steps together to fix them. Any reluctance to talk about sex indicates the need for immediate conversation and a search for answers.

What Will Block Us?

• How are you doing with your emotional and spiritual connections each week? Are you doing your three Couple Talk Times each week? Are you having deeper conversations? If not, why?

• Are you bonding spiritually by praying together and sharing your individual spiritual lives? If not, why?

• How many times on average are you having intercourse each week? Tell your partner how often you’d like to have intercourse. What would make you not want to schedule these intimate times?

• Discuss your foreplay. How long does it tend to be? Are you both sufficiently aroused before intercourse? If foreplay is shorter than twenty-five minutes, why is that?

• What keeps you from having honest talks about your sex life? When was the last time you had a good talk about your sex life? What do you think will happen if you talk about it on a regular basis?

• What will stop you from seeking professional help for sexual problems?

Schedule three Couple Talk Times this week. Work to connect emotionally and spiritually. If you hit obstacles to these connections, talk about them and about what you can do to improve.

Schedule at least one lovemaking appointment this week. Two would be even better if the desire is mutual. Since one of you will likely forget, put the appointment(s) on your fancy, state-of-the-art electronic device. When it beeps, it’s time for sex!

Make sure your foreplay lasts as long as the woman wants it to be—at least twenty-five minutes. You can use an egg timer or program your smartphone to go off at twenty-five minutes. (Kidding.) Make foreplay last until you both are sexually aroused and say you’re ready for intercourse.

Have at least one very open, detailed talk about your sex life. It could take place during a Couple Talk Time. Discuss how each of you feels about your lovemaking, how much each of you is enjoying it, and what each of you likes the best or would like to add or change. If you’re having problems, gently talk through them and agree to take action to fix them. Be sure to discuss any sources of discontent outside of the sexual relationship that may be hurting the physical relationship.

How Did We Do?

• How did your Couple Talk Times go? Are you getting deeper emotionally and spiritually? Evaluate each Talk Time you had this week, and discuss what went right and what went wrong.

• How did the scheduling of sex go? Was it easy or difficult to do? Did you follow through and make love at the appointed times? If not, why?

• Did you engage in foreplay for at least twenty-five minutes? Was the woman fully satisfied with the amount of time it was given? If an extended time of foreplay was hard to pull off, why? Discuss your foreplay and how it can be improved.

• What was the result of your detailed talk about your sex life? When having this talk, how did you both feel?

• If you’re still struggling sexually, are you both willing to seek professional help? Will you commit to working together until you resolve the issues?