Joe, a successful attorney, distinguished for his integrity and sound legal knowledge, had just won the primary in an election to be the judge in his county. He said, “I was more surprised by how little the victory meant. It left me feeling empty inside.” You’d think Joe would have felt happy about his success, but he was deeply burdened after his win and couldn’t sleep at night. After much prayer, reading the Word, soul-searching, and spiritual counseling, he surprised everyone with a decision. Joe, the good judicial candidate, decided to become a priest.
Father Joseph says now, “I’m so much more satisfied with my life. I know the true feeling of happiness. I’d rather wear a clerical collar than a judge’s robe, and I’m happy driving a used VW van instead of my Rolls.” He tells me he’s found true meaning and happiness helping others find and know God. He responded to God’s call to something higher than the world’s idea of success.
There are countless definitions of success, large and small. The other day I overheard a woman raving ecstatically that her puppy had finally learned to go pee-pee on the paper. “Success is ours!” she gleefully announced.
Most dictionaries define success as the favorable termination of a venture, “the achieving of desired results, or someone or something that achieves positive results.”1 We feel we’ve achieved success at the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. There are many ways to look at success.
A hospitalized patient says, “Success is when I stop hurting.”
Others may say, “Success is being able to pay all the bills each month.” “Success is getting a passing grade in statistics.” “Success is acceptance into the college I want.” “Success is when the printer works.” “Success is when I can sleep an entire night through.”
Does success make you happy, or does happiness make you successful? I believe the latter.
Success is a process more than a realization, and we’re rarely as successful as we think we should be. Even more rare is finding meaning in what we consider success. The concept of happiness has been extensively analyzed by philosophers, psychologists, scientists, and historians. Throughout history, happiness often centered on good luck and fortune, whereas in modern times, particularly in the West, happiness is viewed more as something over which we have control or can pursue. We achieve a worthy goal and we are considered successful; therefore we should be happy. Not so.
Philosophers and religious leaders often define happiness in terms of living a good life, of flourishing, but it’s not possible to live a good life and flourish if we aren’t happy first. Therefore, the philosophy has holes in it.
I love the story found in the fifteenth-century Jewish classic Orchos Tzaddikim that says a person is obligated to bless the Almighty for misfortune with the same joy as when they bless the Lord for good fortune. The story tells how two rabbinic students asked the Maggid of Mez’ritch, the wise and noble leader and teacher, how this was possible. The Maggid advised them to ask Rabbi Zushe, who was extremely poor and lacked even basic necessities. He lived a thoroughly impoverished and difficult life of many troubles, yet he always seemed happy. The students went to the study hall, where they found the rabbi and told him the Maggid had said he would explain how it was possible to bless the Almighty with joy over misfortune.
“I’m surprised that our Rabbi sent you to me about this,” he replied. “You should ask someone who has suffered some misfortune in his life. I have never experienced anything bad in my life. Only good things have happened to me.”2
So much sweeter is the success that flows naturally from the core of the happy heart.
The French poet who coined the word surrealism, Guilaume Apollinaire, said, “Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”3
We think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain goal or when we’re basking in the acceptance and praise of others. We think we’ll be happy when we have more than what we have right now. I like what one American journalist said: “We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it.”
Does our annual income reflect success? Studies have been conducted regarding annual income, and respondents said they would choose a lower income as long as it was higher than their neighbors’ instead of a higher income that was less than their neighbors’. So they would prefer an annual income of $40,000 if their neighbor made $35,000 over making $60,000 if their neighbor made $70,000.
Success and Responsibility
Let’s look at one of the problems success brings us all: responsibility. If you win a trophy for your gymnastic skills, or you land a college scholarship, or you get a raise in salary, or you give birth, you’re responsible to bear the expectations of that event. Even the woman whose puppy learned to be paper trained now had the responsibility to take her pet to the next level of training.
The thrill of a single achievement fades quickly. The writer with her first successful novel is now responsible for her next novel, and will it be as good as the first? A successful businessman or woman is responsible for maintaining and exceeding their initial levels of success.
I’ve observed in the counseling room that the achievement of success can make a person reactive, not creative. Many famous people fear their own success, and self-destruction often underlies the most profound accolades. Ernest Hemingway, the author who committed suicide, as had his father before him, was never satisfied with the literary achievements that had made him famous. His many other achievements in life didn’t bring him the satisfaction he craved either. At the end of his life, he demanded of himself that he write better, hunt better, fish better, and be an altogether better macho image. He didn’t regard the success he had achieved as valuable.
Some people don’t try to achieve a dream or a goal because the fears of responsibility and failure are just too great. The person who is motivated by low self-esteem to prove themselves to others by succeeding experiences a painful struggle. They may abandon the pursuit along the way, and often just at the crest of succeeding. This is often what happens to the EBT doctoral candidate, that is, Everything But the Thesis candidate. The idea is, “I’ll do it later.” But later doesn’t usually come. “Success can so easily be lost. I better not go there. To fall from success would be terrible” is the misbelief.
Sometimes the pressure to succeed can be so great that even the best of the best will sometimes up and quit what they’ve worked so hard to achieve.
I spent the early years of my life in the theater, and I once worked with a pianist I’ll call Jeffrey. He was the pianist in the orchestra of the musical I was playing in. He took the job in our orchestra to make extra money, but his real goal was to be a solo concert pianist. He was just twenty years old, had won awards as a protégé, and now was determined to make it on the solo concert circuit. He landed a good manager and had some concert bookings already on his calendar. A lifetime of hard work, study, perseverance, and arduous daily practice were finally paying off. Then one day, out of the blue, he quit playing! He simply slammed the lid of his Steinway and refused to play again. At the very apex of attaining his dream of glory, he turned his back and at this writing has not played again.
Jeffrey’s reason for quitting? While rehearsing a rigorously demanding piece by Rachmaninoff, he made so many mistakes that he hit the keys with his fist and stomped off in a panic. It wasn’t the first time he had punched the keys angrily at a mistake, but this time his panic was so severe that he froze. He saw it as the beginning of the end, and no one could convince him otherwise. Jeffrey’s self-worth was sealed in the excellence of his performance alone.
You lose a lot when your definition of success is based on all-or-nothing thinking. Success based on achievement may only drive you to work harder to try to recapture the feeling you once had. Achievement often compels people to achieve more.
There’s one more category of people I want to talk about, because in spite of our changing world and great strides made in our modern Western culture, there are certain women who still fit into the fear-of-success classification due to their fear of losing their ability to be loved by men. They’ve identified with their role as the “weaker sex” and have not taken into account that men and women are “joint heirs in Christ” (Rom. 8:16–17). The notion of weakness has erroneously been interpreted as “inept.” This misbelief says a woman should remain inept, not too smart, not too successful, not too capable if she wants to be loved by a man. This idea promotes the attitude that success and achievement are somehow unfeminine. Tell that to the female soldiers, scientists, bank presidents, doctors, financial moguls, and business owners. Tell that to the Proverbs 31 woman. Tell it to the women of the Bible, from Sarah to Deborah to Hannah to Queen Esther to Elizabeth to Mary to Lydia to Priscilla—all married, all loved by men.
Happiness as the Foundation for Success
We have a misconception that success in life is based on getting, on receiving, but a Harvard Business School study found that spending money on others actually makes us happier than spending it on ourselves.
I know three PhDs who aren’t pursuing their chosen fields. One works as a short-order cook in a tiny restaurant in New York City. Another is selling real estate in Palm Springs. The third decided to be a stay-at-home dad. Yet all three are leading happy lives today. They made conscious decisions to examine their ideas of success. They chose to listen to their hearts and to base the nucleus of their happiness on who they are, not on what they do. And that is the point. God is calling us to be.
Knowing yourself means knowing who you are in God and who He is in you. No one else can tell you your calling. It comes from within you, from God Himself. Proverbs 3:13 says, “Happy is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.” Such wisdom and understanding apply first to who you are in Christ, because all your decisions, ideas, thoughts, and desires come from that place.
The lovely, gentle, big-hearted souls who bring life and beauty to the world from the inside out radiate God’s goodness. These individuals are happy with who they are in the world, and happiness doesn’t depend on whether or not you and I like them or accept them. They have found and know the Source of lasting happiness. “Happy are the people whose God is the LORD” (Ps. 144:15).
Without happiness at its base, success is shallow and fleeting. It’s why so many people at the top of their game crash.
The apostle Paul was an example for us who believe. We can endure all things. That’s all things. “I have learned,” Paul wrote, “in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Phil. 4:12 KJV). The Good News Translation reads, “I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have more than enough. I have learned this secret, so that anywhere, at any time, I am content” (Phil. 4:12).
This verse can also apply to our mental states. “I have learned in whatsoever emotional hassle I’m in to be content.” Deep in you is the willingness to let go. You have contentment within you. Quiet yourself and go there.
Sometimes our definitions of success are beyond reality. Not all people helpers can work as hard as others without burning out or losing their joy. Exhaustion is a sure killer of enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is a critical component to our happiness. It feeds us, nourishes us, and energizes us. People in the helping professions are especially prone to overdoing and missing out on the fulfillment that self-sacrifice is supposed to bring.
For the person who believes they can create significant change in the world, they need to have a holy direction from a higher motivating force, one higher than their own sheer grit and determination. Jesus said, “Without Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5), and when we take his words seriously, the fog begins to part from before our eyes, and we see more clearly into His purposes.
When Success Is All-Important
Do you know someone who sees himself or herself as the most important person on the planet? This person usually insists others get on their bandwagon and support their work or their vision. They don’t recognize people’s value outside of their own needs and demands. This kind of thinking reflects something called narcissism.
Such people believe they’re superior to everyone and have little regard for anyone else’s feelings. This doesn’t mean they have high confidence. On the contrary, their showy, inflated sense of confidence is a mask for their fragile, low self-esteem, and they can’t handle the slightest criticism.
These unhappy people crave their idea of success above all else. Politics, the arts, and sports are typical areas of pursuit where the misbelief of being more important than others outweighs all else. The narcissist simply cannot lose. To lose would mean they are worse than nothing; mistakes are intolerable.
You can understand how such misbeliefs are birthed and nourished. We’re taught from the time we’re children to dream big, to think outside the box, to go for the gold, to reach for the stars, and we can confuse God’s voice with platitudes, positive thinking, and advertising slogans. We don’t pause to consider that our little self-made kingdom we’re striving to build could destroy us.
In the sports world, self-absorption is ubiquitous. But even in highly competitive sports, there are those who choose the higher road and keep God at the center of their lives. Take Missy Franklin, a former Olympic swimmer now turned pro, who at age seventeen won five Olympic medals, four of which were gold. As of this writing, she has won twenty-two medals in international competition—fourteen gold, five silver, and three bronze.
Her goal, she says, is to show the world what God has done in her life. “God is always there for me. I talk with Him before, during, and after practice and competitions. I pray to Him for guidance. I thank Him for this talent He has given me and promise to be a positive role model for young athletes in all sports.”4 She’s the opposite of narcissists who crave success for themselves.
Success Not Based on Happiness
When I was a teenager training daily in ballet and jazz dance classes, it was common to hear fellow dancers curse themselves in frustration at some mistake in movement, leap, or turn. Maybe the shameful error was a spin on the toe not finished smoothly or a leap that didn’t quite soar high or light enough. It was not unfamiliar for a principal dancer to curse herself for a mistake and bring the entire rehearsal to a stop.
One of the teachers I had the privilege to study with was the great Russian prima ballerina Alexandra Danilova. She led our classes with a long stick in her hand, which she tapped constantly throughout the workout. She would whap our legs to correct our position as we went through our barre exercises.
Once out on the center floor, we would follow her instructions perfectly, and so intense was our concentration that if we were the tiniest bit off in our movements, we felt somehow disgraced. The ones in the front of the class were the examples, the “favorites,” the best. I was one of those choice ones, and so I was more driven, more intense.
It wasn’t that we were happy when we did well; it was more that we escaped being miserable at not doing well. Everything was contingent upon performance.
Class never ended for me. At home in my room, I would practice my turns, my point work, trying to perfect the smallest detail of movement. I stretched and pulled and yanked and starved and sweat until I believed there was nothing in the world that could interfere with attaining the terrible goals I had set for myself.
Steve Jobs said, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do. Don’t settle.” He spoke of work as a “matter of the heart.”5
Yes, I loved God. Yes, I loved my mom, my dad, my sister and brother, and other people, but I was obsessed with dance. Obsessions aren’t always vehicles leading the way toward success and certainly not toward happiness. The paradox is that obsession is applauded and necessary for excellence in most endeavors.
In show business and the arts, not being the best, or wildly innovative, or magically creative can mean unemployment. Excellence isn’t bad in itself, but to some people it’s their barometer for success. There is no in-between, no relief from joyless demands. Not being the best doesn’t mean being second best; it means being the worst.
On and on the work to achieve, to excel, continues, and harder and harder it becomes. Nothing satisfies the achiever because there’s always more to achieve. This is not success based on happiness.
Success and Purpose
How do you express happiness? What do you love to do when you’re feeling happy? (Not what you do to feel happy.) How is your beautiful happiness seen by the world around you?
God has given each of us a calling. It’s what is known as “purpose.” In chapter 2, I talked about your life’s vision, which is the same as your calling and purpose. It’s up to you to find that calling. You may not be called to the priesthood, or to run a soup kitchen, or to dance with the American Ballet Theatre, but it may be to drive a school bus in Kansas City and to be a blessing to the schoolkids every day. It may be to teach fitness classes to unbelievers and lead them to Jesus. It may be to flip hamburgers in McDonald’s and bring some light there. It may be to lead Bible studies to men and women in prison.
Human beings are created for purpose. Our purpose can change depending on the stage of life we’re in. One of my college professors half-jokingly told us of his concern that his department chairperson was going to retire him at his next birthday, and sure enough, it happened. The professor simply couldn’t handle the concept of finding a new purpose. He wasn’t interested in what he saw retirement as: hobbies, travel, volunteering, or sitting by the pool. He had no idea what to do with himself without his job. He died a year later.
My professor lost his purpose. It’s heartbreaking because this is one of the biggest lies anyone could ever fall for. God calls each of us to not one but many purposes. You need to believe what you do is important, no matter what it is. Everything you touch is sacred. Treat yourself with the dignity God treats you with. If you resent the success of others, it indicates you don’t value what you do and you’ll be miserable no matter how productive you are. When it becomes clear to you how important you are to God and His purposes, you’ll realize that you are successful. My professor couldn’t see his total potential. He had no idea that his life could begin anew with his retirement from his teaching job.
Lasting happiness requires a belief in your purpose.
Here’s an exercise for your happiness journal: Name four purposes you know God has for your life. Not one, four.
Make Yours a Success Story
What happens to the achievers who conquer their self-inflated striving for achievement? They take a good look at their happiness skills. They become like Phil Mahre, the Olympic ski racer who won the title of greatest US skier of all time in 2002. His life took a complete turnaround when his first baby boy was born while he was in Sarajevo winning the men’s slalom at the winter Olympics. He chose to settle down and get out of the hoopla, and told the world at the age of twenty-six that he was retiring. He decided what counted most for him was his family, and ski racing dropped down from first place to second. He had won three consecutive World Cup titles, a streak that is equivalent to winning three Super Bowl titles.6 He and his twin brother, Steve, also a champion skier, now operate the Mahre Ski Training Center in Deer Valley, Utah.
Phil Mahre’s story is a success story because he looked at his life and recognized what really mattered to him. He dared to follow his heart! Can you dare to see yourself outside your achievements?
Here’s a verse that pertains directly to your success in life: “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2). To prosper means to flourish, bloom, succeed in material terms, be financially successful, grow physically strong and healthy, thrive, and progress. Let’s translate the verse like this: “May you be as successful as your soul is successful.”
Your soul comprises your intellect, your emotions, and your will, each of which is a gift from God. When you use the gift of your intellect to do something wonderful for God, your soul prospers. When you give your emotional life to Him, your soul prospers. When you choose His way above your self-centered way, your soul prospers.
The word prosper is also often translated as “good.” Goodness is a magnet for blessings. Psalm 25:12–13 tells us that the one who fears (loves and respects) the Lord will dwell in prosperity (goodness). The goodness you attract when your soul is filled with God prospers you in every way. Your soul prospers when your intellect, your emotions, and your will are completely dedicated to God, filled with Him, motivated by Him, and producing life through Him. The prospering of the soul is a total prospering. It’s the process we’re learning in this book. Total prospering = lasting happiness.
Psychoanalyst Dr. Edmund Bergler had a field guide for discovering when we’re likely to hurt ourselves by pursuing goals.7 I’ve used his ideas as the basis for the following questions:
If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, you need to give your drive to prosper to God so you can work it out in the greatness of His Spirit. Your attitudes toward success and failure may be corroded with confused ideas. Your drive for approval may be excessive.
Here are some questions for your happiness journal:
God wants you to know what He considers success. Pause here and meditate on the words, “Seek your happiness in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desire” (Ps. 37:4 GNT). Then read Psalm 1 and know that He wants you to be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, prospering in all you do. Sense His presence very near.