APPENDIX:
Online Dating: Benefits, Pitfalls, and Things to Consider
The Internet has revolutionized the world. Activities that once required physical presence—such as shopping, communication, research, or dating—can now be done online with the click of a mouse via Amazon, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Google, or one of many Internet dating sites and apps such as Match.com, eHarmony, Tinder, and Christian Mingle.
Online dating, an approximately $2 billion per year industry,1 is becoming the means of choice for many to meet potential partners. A 2016 Pew Research survey reveals that about 15 percent of American adults have used an online dating site or app, an increase from 11 percent in 2013.2 As of 2016, Match.com has over 35 million users; Christian Mingle more than 5.5 million.3 In 2009, the top three places heterosexual couples in the United States met were through friends, at a bar or restaurant, and on the Internet.4 Still, only 5 percent of Americans who are currently married or in a long-term relationship met their partner online.5
The places people meet dating partners have morphed significantly in recent years. In 1940, meeting at church was as common as meeting at a bar or via neighbors; in 2010, just 2 percent of couples said they met at church.6 In our increasingly technological society, it is hardly surprising that online dating has risen in popularity over the past decade. The increase has been especially pointed among eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds but is also occuring among older age groups.7 The rapid growth of online dating apps is a significant contributor to this rise. A Pew Research Center study reveals that a major factor propelling the growth of online dating “among younger adults is their use of mobile dating apps. About one-in-five 18- to 24-year olds (22%) now report using mobile dating apps; in 2013, only 5% reported doing so.”8 And 42 percent of Americans knew someone who engaged in online dating in 2013, compared to 31 percent in 2005.9
Moreover, the stigma that has surrounded online dating seems to be waning. In 2015, unlike in 2005, a majority of Americans agreed that “online dating is a good way to meet people.”10 But there are still some who hold a negative view of online dating, with 23 percent of Americans agreeing that “people who use online dating sites are desperate.”11
You will have to come to your own conclusions regarding the merit of online dating and whether you want to use online dating sites or apps. In any case, there are both potential benefits and potential pitfalls of online dating to consider.
A potential benefit of online dating is that it can help facilitate connecting with other individuals who are compatible with you and have similar values and beliefs. According to a Pew Research Survey, 52 percent of online dating users stated that “meeting people who share your beliefs or values” was one of the main reasons they decided to engage in online dating.12 Shared beliefs and values are crucial for a healthy dating relationship, and online dating can be a means to find people with common principles and religious beliefs.
Another positive of online dating is that it vastly broadens the scope of people you can meet and date. Without the Internet, dating is limited to individuals’ social and geographical spheres—who you cross paths with in person, who your friends know, who your parents know. But the Internet blows the lid off these geographical and situational borders and can be a means that connects two compatible people from disparate spheres. Before the Internet, proximity was a substantial indicator of who you would date and eventually marry. A study looking at the city of Philadelphia in 1932 revealed that “nearly 40% lived no more than 20 blocks from their future husband or wife” and “less than 20% found love with someone living out of town.”13 But World War II and the rise of higher education brought increased geographic and social mobility, and the Internet broke down those barriers further.
On the other hand, the broad scope of people you can meet and date online is a potential pitfall. According to a Pew Research survey, “one-third of internet users (32%) agree with the statement that ‘online dating keeps people from settling down because they always have options for people to date.’”14 Harry Reis, a professor at the University of Rochester, said, “We suggest [online dating users] try not to have the shopping mentality and not view alternative people the same way they do a pair of pants.”15 The proliferation of options, and the ease with which you can ignore or pass over people online, can hinder your search for a committed relationship. As one Twitter user recounted, “The woman next to me at this bar just sighed, took out her phone, dimmed the screen, opened Tinder, started swiping like there’s no tomorrow.”16
While a benefit of online dating is that it can be a means by which people who might otherwise have never met are brought together, it is crucial that initial online contact be followed up with face-to-face, real-life personal encounters. It is unwise to rely solely on online communications; healthy relationships are forged and reinforced by personal, face-to-face interactions. Certain circumstances may require prolonged periods of separation from your significant other—such as a spouse serving in the military—during which you can utilize online communication to creatively cultivate the relationship. But a perpetual long-distance online dating relationship, without face-to-face real-life interaction (Skype and FaceTime don’t count!), is not a good idea. Online dating can be a helpful tool in facilitating singles to meet other singles, but commitments should be avoided until direct personal contact and face-to-face time has been spent with each other. However, online dating users should be vigilant, particularly when meeting in person for the first time with someone they met online.
Which leads to another potential pitfall of online dating—the prevalence of deception and existence of predators. A Pew Research survey reveals that “54% of online daters have felt that someone else seriously misrepresented themselves in their profile.”17 While deception can and does occur in face-to-face interactions, the Internet adds another layer with which someone can conceal their true selves. Online dating necessitates a greater dose of circumspection. It goes without saying that some online dating users have ulterior motives, and more than a few people fabricate their online profiles and make themselves appear to be someone they are not. While people can lie and cover their true selves in person, it is even easier to put up a façade online—fake pictures, falsified bios, fabricated ages. One study from Catalina L. Toma, an assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, showed that 81 percent of online dating users fabricate information on their profiles regarding age, weight, or height.18
With the Internet comes the potential danger of predators who attempt to lure victims via online dating, social media, or some other means. The Pew Research Center has found that “28% of online daters have been contacted by someone through an online dating site or app in a way that made them feel harassed or uncomfortable.”19 Sadly, there are predators who exploit online dating to reach unsuspecting users and hide their true selves and motives behind fictitious profiles. Appearances can be deceiving. The Chicago Tribune reports, “According to law enforcement officials, there’s no way to know what percentage of sexual assaults is linked to online dating. But in providing access to millions of people, these Internet services offer a widening universe in which those intent on violence can prowl, experts say.”20 So if you choose to use online dating sites or apps, an extra measure of caution is warranted.
In deciding whether online dating is something you want to do, there are both benefits and pitfalls to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider. In addition to the traditional offline ways, online dating sites and apps can be another means to initiate a dating relationship. Either way, the principles of a healthy dating relationship should still be applied once a relationship is underway, whether it began online or offline.