LOVE LANGUAGE #1
Words of Affirmation
Words have power.
Think back to your school days. Maybe you were teased and you still remember the hurtful words after all these years. Or maybe the encouragement of a teacher has always stayed with you. Sadly, some children grow up in a “negative linguistic environment,” hearing mostly critical or condemning words. Others are blessed with a positive environment where they hear words of joy, laughter, and support. Children who grow up in these contrasting environments will hear totally different vocabularies resulting in vastly different personalities and behavior patterns. The ancient Hebrew proverb did not overstate the impact of words: “The tongue has the power of life and death.”1
Since words hold such influential power, it is understandable that words of affirmation would be one of the five fundamental languages of love. Single adults who grew up in a negative linguistic environment will probably have greater difficulty learning to speak words of affirmation. For some, it will mean learning a whole new vocabulary while seeking to delete the negative words that so freely flow from their mouths. It will also involve learning to listen, really listen, to the affirming words of others.
So how can we best develop this language?
For some singles, this is already their native tongue. They grew up in a positive linguistic environment, hearing many affirming words from their earliest childhood. It will be relatively easy for them to speak this language because they have been practicing it for many years. These are the people who are known in their social circle as encouragers. They are constantly affirming, encouraging, and expressing words of appreciation to others.
For others, words of affirmation will be a foreign language. They have never learned to receive or speak such words. Take Brian, for example.
I met him at a singles conference a few years ago. He was a tall, handsome young man. He was the kind of guy the girls noticed and talked about with their friends later at night. However, I discovered that Brian had not been very successful with girls in the past. In fact, that’s why he requested to talk to me.
BRIAN: FOOTBALL HERO, RELATIONSHIP FAILURE
He had played football in both high school and college and had enough going for him that it could all have easily gone to his head, but none of that seemed very important to Brian. “What does it take to play football?” he asked. Then he proceeded to answer his own question. “A strong body, a brain, and a lot of hard work. But what bothers me is ‘relationships.’ This is much more difficult than anything I ever experienced playing football.”
Then, with a forlorn look, he said, “I’m getting older. I’m doing well in my career. But I want to get married, have a family. But at this point, I don’t even have a girlfriend. I’ve dated, and I’ve tried online sites, but it never goes anywhere.”
I could tell that Brian was perplexed and serious. I began by asking, “What’s the longest time you’ve ever dated one girl?”
“About four months,” he responded.
“Do the girls typically end the relationship, or are you the one who breaks it off?” I asked.
“Usually the girls,” he said. “Once or twice I’ve dated people that I wasn’t really interested in, so I didn’t ask them out again.”
“Did any of the girls ever tell you why she didn’t want to date you any longer?”
“Well, one I dated three months said that she didn’t think we had a lot in common, and the other girl said that she just didn’t think we were compatible, whatever that means.” Then he added, “I don’t know. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m not a very good conversationalist.”
“I Don’t Know How to Talk About Us”
“I don’t mean that I can’t talk. Actually, I do a lot of talking. But it’s about my job or my family or her job and her family. It’s like I don’t know how to talk about us. When it gets personal, I don’t know what to say.”
I sensed that Brian was on the right trail, so I asked him what kind of relationship he had had with his father when he was growing up.
He thought a moment and said, “Strained. My father had an alcohol problem. He hardly ever came to any of my games in high school or college. When he did, he was very critical of the way I played. I’ll never forget what he said the one time he came to see me play football in college. He said, ‘You’ll never make it to the pros playing like that.’
“I remember how awful I felt. I went out and got drunk that night and tried not to think about what my dad had said, but I’ve never been able to get away from those words. That’s probably why I never gave serious thought again to playing pro football.”
“When you were younger, was your father also critical?” I asked.
“Yeah, especially when he was drinking,” Brian said. “Nothing was ever right when he was drinking. He criticized me and Mom.”
“And what about your mother?” I inquired. “What kind of relationship did you have with her?”
“Mom was depressed a lot,” he said. “She had a hard life. We didn’t have a very close relationship, especially when I got to be a teenager. She was pretty much on my case about homework and getting home on time. I remember in high school she was always saying I shouldn’t let football interfere with my studies.”
A Home of Discouraging Words
Clearly Brian grew up in a negative linguistic environment. Most of the things he heard from his parents were critical or discouraging words. So I said to him, “When you were dating Courtney and Amy, what did you find attractive about them?”
“Uh, well, they were both good-looking,” he said. “Courtney was a lot of fun; Amy was quieter, but really sweet. She was a strong Christian, and I liked that. I also liked her family; her mom and dad had a good marriage, and they seemed to like me. Courtney liked to go to movies and ride bikes. I had never been into biking, but it was pretty exciting. We went on a couple of all-day trips. Both girls were college graduates and smart. I liked that about both of them.”
“Do you ever remember complimenting either of the girls about the way they were dressed? Saying to them, ‘You look nice today’?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Do you ever remember making a statement similar to this to Courtney: ‘You made a really great choice on that movie. I really enjoyed it’?”
“I think she knew that I liked the movies,” he said.
It was obvious to me but not obvious to Brian that he had never learned to speak the love language known as words of affirmation.
I wasn’t certain that I could communicate to Brian in one conversation what I was seeing, but I made an attempt: “Brian, I hope that I can share with you what I am sensing, because I think it will help you in future relationships. You grew up in a home environment where you did not receive many words of affirmation. In fact, what you received primarily were critical, condemning words. You still remember some of those words, even as an adult, because they hurt so deeply. It doesn’t mean that your parents were bad people or that they didn’t love you. But it does mean that you didn’t always feel their love.”
I noticed that Brian’s eyes were getting moist, and I knew that he was emotionally hearing what I was saying. However, I was not ready for his next statement. The tears were flowing freely now, and he said, “I guess every man would like to hear his father say that he is proud of him. I never heard that and I never felt that from my father. In fact, I don’t ever remember hearing my father say the words ‘I love you.’ But I’m grown now. I shouldn’t let that affect me. I can’t do anything about it.”
I responded, “All of us want to feel loved and appreciated by our parents. One of the ways we feel love is by hearing words of affirmation. But what you heard instead were critical words that brought hurt rather than help. I think there is something that can be done to correct the past. But first I want to focus on your relationship with girls, and what I’m about to say may cause you to cry even more than you’ve been crying. I think one of the reasons you have had difficulty in relationships is that, because you never heard the love language called words of affirmation, you don’t know how to speak it to others.
“You said to me that you don’t remember ever saying to either Courtney or Amy, ‘You look nice in that outfit.’ You don’t remember saying to Courtney, ‘You made a good choice in that movie. I really liked it.’ In fact, you’ve said that when it came to personal things, you didn’t know how to ‘talk about us,’ which leads me to believe that you have wonderful skills of talking about other things such as weather and sports, but you have never learned how to give affirming words on a personal level.
“Women like to be affirmed verbally, just as men like to be affirmed verbally. They tend to pull away from dating partners who do not give affirmation. Lack of verbal affirmation is interpreted as lack of love.”
Brian’s Discovery
Brian was no longer crying. “How could I have missed this? You’re right; I don’t affirm people. In fact, I’m often critical. There were several times with both Amy and Courtney that I pointed out areas where I thought they needed to change. I realize now I was criticizing them just like my father criticized me. Why didn’t I see this?”
I’m sure that Brian never anticipated our conversation would take us to such depths, but we were there now, and there was no turning back. So I said, “Brian, there is hope. That’s the marvelous thing about being human. We can change our future. We need not be enslaved by experiences of the past. We can learn to love even when we have not received love.” In fact, learning to love others is the fastest way to receive love.
THE FIRST STEP: LOVING OTHERS
Brian’s Christian faith was important to him, so I reminded him of the words of Jesus. “Give, and it will be given to you.”2 I also reminded him that the Scriptures say, “We love Him because He first loved us.”3 “The same principle is true in human relationships,” I said. “If we want to be loved, and all of us do, then the first step is to express love to others.”
“Can you help me?” Brian asked.
Opening the Notebook
We began by talking more about his mom and dad. His dad had been sober for the last several years, but once in a while he “falls off the wagon,” Brian said. Because of a new job, Brian saw his parents about once every three months and they talked or texted every week.
“Okay,” I said. “The first principle is: Start where you are.” Brian took out a notebook and wrote in it, “Start where you are.” I could tell he was ready to learn.
“Let me describe where I think you are. This is a summary of what we talked about this morning. You are now an adult, an adult who never remembers ever hearing his father say the words ‘I love you. I’m proud of you, Son,’ and an adult who has few memories of his mother making positive comments. Is that correct?”
Brian nodded yes.
“Through the years you have tried to push the hurt out of your heart and tell yourself that it didn’t matter, but it’s obvious from our conversation that it does matter.
“The second principle is: Be active, not passive.” Brian was writing again.
“Until now your approach has been passive. You’ve suffered in silence. Starting today I want to encourage you to take action. The choice to love is the choice to take initiative. It is the choice to do or say something for the other person’s benefit, something that would help make them a better person, something that would enrich their lives or make life more meaningful for them.”
Affirming Your Parents
“One way to express love is by giving words of affirmation, which brings us to the third principle: Choose a strategy for loving or expressing love. Here’s the strategy I want to suggest. The next time you call home, when you end the conversation with your mom or your dad, end it by saying, ‘I love you, Mom,’ or ‘I love you, Dad.’ Okay? Their response doesn’t matter. The important thing is that you are taking the initiative to express words of affirmation to them, and your strategy is using the telephone to do this.
“After you do this the first time, it will be easier to repeat it the second time and the third. For the next three months, I want to encourage you to end every phone conversation to your folks with the words ‘I love you.’ At the end of three months, I want you to add another statement. After ‘I love you, Dad,’ I want you to add the words ‘I appreciate what you have done for me through the years,’ and use the statement with your mother. Use these statements for the second three months.
“Does this sound like something you could do?”
“I think so,” Brian said. “I guess the first time will be the hardest.”
“Now, let me make sure that we are on the same page. Are both of these statements true? ‘I love you, Mom,’ and ‘I love you, Dad.’ Remember, love is the attitude that wishes good things for the other person. Do you desire the best possible life for your mom and dad for the rest of their years?”
“Yes,” Brian said.
“Then ‘I love you’ is a true statement.” He nodded.
“Then what I’m asking is that you verbalize the truth to your parents. Words of affirmation are simply true statements affirming the worth of another person.
“If you will try this, I can almost guarantee you that before six months is over both of your parents will begin to give you affirming words as well. You are not doing it in order to get their affirmation; you’re doing it because you choose to love them. But the fact is, love stimulates love, and you are choosing to take the initiative rather than to wait for them to take the initiative.”
Starting on the Job
“Okay,” said Brian, “I can do this. But how is this going to help me in my dating relationships?”
“It’s a first step,” I said. “If you can learn to give love to your parents by affirming words, then you can learn to give them to the girls you date. But that’s not the next step. Right now you don’t have a girlfriend, so I want you to apply this principle in your vocational relationships. You do interact with people in your job. Is that correct? Then I want you to set a goal of giving a verbal affirmation to someone with whom you work at least once a week for the next three months.”
I gave Brian a list of the kinds of things he could say. They included the following:
• “Thanks for taking that phone call. I really didn’t have time to talk to him, and you handled it well.”
• “You always have such a positive attitude. I appreciate that.”
• “You did a great job with this. Thanks.”
• “The boss told me what you did. Thanks for making me look good.”
• “When you do things, you always do them right. I really appreciate that about you.”
Brian said, smiling, “Okay, but what about dating?”
“All right,” I said, “on another page of your notebook I want you to begin to write the kinds of statements that you might make to a girl you are dating, statements that would affirm her worth. You might even think of people you’ve dated in the past and ask yourself, ‘What might I have said to them that would have been affirming?’
“Let’s go back to what we talked about this morning, such statements as, ‘You look nice in that outfit,’ and ‘You made an excellent choice of movies. I really enjoyed this one.’” Brian began writing again. “Now, what else might you have said to Courtney?”
There was a long pause, and then Brian said, “I might have said, ‘Your eyes are beautiful.’”
“Then add that to your affirmation list: ‘Your eyes are beautiful. They sparkle.’”
“Oh man, this is getting really personal. I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, I’m not suggesting the first date, Brian, but somewhere along the line dating gets personal.”
“I know,” he said, “and that’s my problem.”
“And you’re learning how to overcome your problem. By the time you have another girlfriend, you will have had six months’ experience with your parents and three months’ experience with people at work. I can assure you that you will be able to say it when the time comes.”
We went on building our list. It included the following:
• “Thanks for letting me take you out tonight. I really enjoyed our time together.”
• “You’re in better shape than I am. I’m going to have to practice more before I ride bikes with you again.”
• “That was a great restaurant. Thanks for recommending it!”
I wasn’t sure what Brian would do with his notebook, but I knew that he had a plan for enhancing his relationships with women. I was pleased when I saw him a year later at another singles conference. With great excitement he introduced me to his girlfriend, Rachel. “We’ve been dating for five months,” he said, “and Rachel is the best.”
BRIAN AND HIS PARENTS
His Mom
Later, in private conversation, Brian shared his experiences with his mom and dad. The first time he said the words “I love you” to his mother at the end of a phone conversation, his mother said, “I love you too.”
“I couldn’t believe my ears,” Brian told me. “I thought it would be two months before she said anything positive. After that, every time I said, ‘I love you,’ she said, ‘I love you too.’ Things were going so well that I moved the schedule up and after two months said to her, ‘I love you, and I really appreciate all the things you have done for me through the years,’ to which she responded, ‘Brian, I wish I had done a lot more for you. I was so depressed in your early years that I am afraid I didn’t give you the attention you needed.’
“After that I started thinking, what did Mom do for me and what do I appreciate? So I made me a list, and at the end of each phone conversation I would tell her one thing I remembered that she did for me and how much I appreciated it. Before the six months was over, Mom and I were having great conversations. She had asked me to forgive her for not being a better mom, and I assured her that she did a lot of things that I really appreciated.”
His Dad
The story of his relationship with his father was somewhat different. The first time Brian said the words “I love you,” his father responded, “What?” to which Brian replied, “I love you, Dad.”
“Oh, okay,” he said.
The second time Brian talked to his father was about three weeks later. He repeated the “I love you” at the end of his phone conversation, and his father said, “Yeah, okay …”
Brian talked to his mother more often than his father because she usually answered the phone. So it was about three months later when Brian’s father finally said, “I love you too.”
“It was like a wave of emotion came over me when I hung up the phone,” Brian told me. “In my mind I knew my father loved me, but I had never heard him say the words. It was incredible.
“After that, every time I said, ‘I love you,’ Dad said, ‘I love you too.’ When I added the words ‘I appreciate all you’ve done for me through the years,’ my father said, ‘Well, it wasn’t enough.’
“‘But I want you to know I appreciate what you did, Dad, and I love you.’”
“I love you too,” his dad replied.
Brian explained how he began to tell his dad how he appreciated specific things he had done for him.
“After a while Dad was telling me that he regretted not attending more of my football games and being more involved in my life. He said he was learning about forgiveness at church and asked me if I would forgive him. My immediate response was, ‘Sure, Dad, you know I’ll forgive you.’”
One weekend when he was at his parents’ home, Brian said to his father, “Dad, I’m proud of the way you are going to church and learning things about God and life. I’m really proud of you for that.”
“Son, I’m proud of you. I could not imagine having a better son than you.”
Brian reached out and hugged his dad, who then embraced Brian.
“I don’t know that there were tears in my Dad’s eyes, but there were certainly tears in my eyes. Our relationship has been different since then.
“I appreciate the time you spent with me last year,” Brian told me. “I had no idea it would make such a difference in my life. I’m taking it slow with Rachel, but I can assure you I’m giving her words of affirmation. Want to see my notebook?” I did.
He opened it up and showed me four pages of affirming statements he had made to Rachel. Brian had learned to speak words of affirmation.
SPEAKING THE DIFFERENT DIALECTS OF AFFIRMING WORDS
Words of Encouragement
Affirming words is one of the five basic love languages. Within that language, however, there are many dialects. In my time with Brian we focused primarily on words of appreciation: expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered. But there are also words of encouragement. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do.
The latent potential within a work colleague or your roommate may await your encouraging words. Maybe someone in your circle of friendships has expressed an interest in learning to be an actor or actress. If it appears to you that they have potential (and almost all of us do), why not encourage them to explore their desire? Tell them that you can “see them doing that.” If they are inexperienced, encourage them to attend a class at a local college. If they have had some experience, encourage them to audition for the local community theater. Many noble pursuits await the encouragement of a friend.
A friend says to you, “I’ve got to lose weight.” What is your response? Will you brush it off by saying, “All of us need to lose weight”? Will you discourage your friend by saying, “That’s one of the hardest things in the world to do,” or “Even if you lose weight, you’ll probably put it back on again”? Or will you give the person encouraging words such as, “If you decide to do it, I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals”?
Words of Praise
Then there is the dialect of praise: recognizing someone’s accomplishment. To a greater or lesser degree, all of us are achievers. We set goals to accomplish things. When we accomplish them, we like to be recognized. Hollywood has its Oscars. The world of music has its Grammy Awards, Dove Awards, and Country Music Awards. Athletic events have their trophies, and businesses award plaques. In personal relationships, words of praise meet the need for recognition.
Occasionally we all need someone to pat us on the shoulder and say, “Wow, you did great. I really like that. You did an excellent job.” Think of what would happen in the world if all of us started praising each other for accomplishments rather than pointing out what was wrong.
The world is filled with people who are worthy of praise. The single mom who works to support her family and to educate her children deserves the highest accolades. The friend who works through the pain of divorce and comes out with a positive attitude believing in the future deserves praise. The coworker who wrestles with cancer while using her energies to help others is worthy of a whole praise team. The guy from church who invests time and energy in coaching underprivileged children deserves a pat on the back. All around us there are people who daily expend energy for the benefit of others. These people need to hear words of praise.
Kind Words
Another dialect of words of affirmation is kind words. This has to do not only with what we say but the manner in which we say it. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. The statement “I love you,” when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love. But what about the statement, “I … love you?” The question mark changes the whole meaning of those three words.
Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. We are sending double messages. People usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.
When your roommate says in an apathetic tone, “Sure, I would love to go running with you on the lakefront path tonight,” it will not be received as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share hurt and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love. “I felt disappointed that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said honestly and without anger, can be an expression of love. The person speaking wants to be known by the other person and is taking steps to build authenticity into their relationship. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”4 When your work colleague is angry and lashing with words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with additional heat but with a soft voice. You will receive what he is saying as information about his emotional feelings. You will let him tell you of his hurt, anger, and perception of events. You will seek to put yourself in his shoes and see the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to confess the wrong and ask forgiveness. If your perception is different than his, you will be able to explain your point of view kindly. You will seek understanding and reconciliation and seek not to prove that your own perception is the only logical way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love. Mature love speaks kindly.
ABOUT FORGIVENESS
Processing hurt and anger in a positive way is essential if we are to speak affirming words. Typically, our words are an overflow of what is going on in our hearts. If we have not successfully dealt with hurt and anger, we will probably come out fighting, and our words will be destructive rather than loving.
None of us is perfect. We do not always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to those around us. We cannot erase the past; we can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can pursue the possibility of restitution. “Can I do something that will make up for the pain I have caused you?” is a loving question.
When I have been wronged and the person has confessed and requested forgiveness, I have the option of forgiving or demanding justice. If I choose justice and seek to pay the individual back for what he or she has done to me, I am making myself the judge and the other person the felon. If, however, I choose to forgive, then reconciliation becomes a possibility.
Many people mess up every new day with what happened yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday, and in so doing pollute a potentially wonderful day. When bitterness, resentment, and revenge are allowed to live in the human heart, words of affirmation will be impossible to speak. The best thing we can do with past failures is to let them be history.
Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. It may still hurt. But either the person has acknowledged his or her failure and I have chosen to forgive the individual, or he/she persists in the wrong behavior and I choose to release that person to God, knowing that He is a God of justice as well as a God of mercy. I refuse to allow the other’s behavior to destroy my life today.
Releasing the person is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is a response to confession. It is rather a releasing of my hurt and anger so that I am no longer consumed by them. It is choosing to love people in spite of the wrong they have done to me. It does not restore the relationship, but it does allow me to live my life in peace and love toward others.
If one wishes to be a lover, he must look carefully at the words he uses when he talks to coworkers, neighbors, significant others, close friends, parents, former spouses, roommates, and the sales clerk at the local store. What I say and the way I say it will influence the climate of my relationships. Words of affirmation enhance relationships. Harsh, condemning words destroy relationships.
Remember, love is a choice. Choose to love others.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1. To what degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?
2. Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?
3. If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to express words of affirmation to your parents?
4. How freely do you express words of affirmation in other relationships?
5. Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking words of affirmation would be meaningful to that person?