FAMILY:

Connect the Dots with Your Immediate Family

I met Susan aboard the MSS Amsterdam, cruising the Inside Passage of Alaska. The night before I had given a lecture on the five love languages. “I’ve been thinking about what you said last night,” she said. “It has opened my eyes about my relationship with my dad.

“About a year ago my mom died, and I moved to Chicago to help my dad, but it’s been a very difficult year. He is always asking me to do things for him, things that he could do for himself. I have felt like he was trying to manipulate me and control my life. Now I know that his love language is acts of service. He has been asking me for love.

“When I was getting ready to paint my house, he said, ‘I’ll come down and hold the ladder for you.’ I didn’t want that. It takes twice as long with him there. I know now that he was expressing love to me using the language he knew best. This has given me a whole new perspective about my dad.”

Susan had made a significant insight into the secret of family connections. Love should begin at home with husbands and wives loving each other and with parents loving children. In this ideal context, children learn to receive and give love freely. However, many people grew up in less-than-ideal homes. Many parents have never learned how to speak each other’s primary love language; nor have they learned to speak the love languages of their children. Consequently, many singles grew up in a home where they knew intellectually that their parents loved them, but they did not always feel loved. In the teenage years, relationships with parents became strained, and now that they are adults, they have no close bond with their parents.

The purpose of this chapter is to help you enhance relationships with your parents and siblings. You may have a strong, positive relationship with your parents and siblings, or you may be struggling, even estranged from your immediate family. No matter where you’re starting from, understanding and applying the principles you have read in the first eight chapters of this book can greatly enhance family relationships.

LOVING OUR PARENTS

Enhancing or reestablishing a relationship with a parent may have a profound impact upon a person’s emotional well-being. It isn’t random chance that one of the ten fundamental commandments given to ancient Israel was, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”¹ This benefit of developing a positive, loving relationship with one’s parents is affirmed in the New Testament: “‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”²

Ideally, love should flow from parent to child. When this takes place and the child genuinely feels loved, it is easy for them to honor their parents. However, when a single adult grew up in a home where he felt unloved, abandoned, or abused, it is much more difficult to honor these parents. I believe that as adults we must take responsibility for enhancing the relationship with our parents; this is especially important if they were deficient in meeting our needs. There is nothing more important than love in this process. Love breaks down barriers, leaps over walls, and seeks the well-being of another.

The amazing thing about love is that it is not held captive by our emotions. We may feel hurt by our parents. We may feel abandoned, disappointed, frustrated, and even depressed, but we can still express love to them. Love is not an island of emotion, but rather an attitude that corresponds with appropriate behaviors. Love is the attitude that says, “I choose to look out for your interest. How may I serve you?” Then love responds with meaningful, positive behavior.

LOVE STIMULATES A RESPONSE

Such love does stimulate positive emotions. So we say, “I feel loved by that person,” which means we have a deep emotional sense that they really care about us. It is this sense of being cared for that brings deep satisfaction to the human soul. When we feel loved, the natural response is to honor the person who is loving us, to hold him in high esteem. When there is mutual love and honor between parents and adult children, both experience a positive state of emotional health, which in turn positively affects their physical health, which results in a longer, more fulfilling life.

No parental relationship is hopeless. As long as there is life, there is the potential for healing the past and carving a better relationship in the future. If your relationship with your parents is less than ideal, nothing holds more potential than your taking the initiative to learn their primary love languages and begin speaking them regularly. Because they are human, they desperately crave love. When you start proactively loving them in their language, they begin to feel your love and often reciprocate.

Therefore, you can take the initiative to love your parents in spite of your negative feelings. If and when your parents reciprocate your expressions of love using your love language, your negative feelings will dissipate and you will begin to feel loved by them. Of course reciprocated love is not guaranteed. But it often happens even in the most difficult and scarred relationships.

JENNIFER’S STORY

Looking for Her Birth Mother 

Jennifer, thirty-four, is a never-married single who learned to speak the love languages of her adoptive parents, George and Joyce, and her birth mother, Christina—but only after experiencing conflict with all three. The result is an extremely positive and close relationship with her adoptive parents and a loving relationship with her birth mother.

For the first thirteen years of Jennifer’s life, George and Joyce provided her with a stable and loving environment. However, when Jennifer turned fourteen, she began to express a desire to find and meet her birth mother. Her adoptive parents strongly opposed this idea. They knew that Jennifer’s mother had been on drugs at the time of her birth and had had multiple sexual partners. They had no reason to believe that she was the kind of person who would have a positive impact on Jennifer’s life.

Jennifer’s reasoning at fourteen had been, “I want to meet my mother. If I don’t like her, then fine, we don’t have to have a relationship. But I want to meet her.” George and Joyce resisted Jennifer’s pleas, because they genuinely thought it would not be good for her. The next two years were marked by frequent struggles over this and other matters. By age sixteen Jennifer felt deeply unloved by her adoptive parents and began taking the initiative to find her birth mother. With the help of a friend at school, Jennifer was able to locate her mother and give her a call. Her mother was elated to hear from her, and they arranged to get together.

They had lunch on several occasions and were relating to each other positively (all of this unknown to Jennifer’s adoptive parents). Christina eventually invited Jennifer to her apartment to meet her live-in boyfriend. He was nice to Jennifer, and she liked him.

The Argument and the Lecture 

After almost a year, George and Joyce discovered what was going on and responded harshly.

“I can’t believe you have done this to us,” Joyce said, “after all we have done for you.”

“My mother is not a bad woman, and she loves me,” said Jennifer.

“Then if she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Joyce retorted without thinking. “I don’t mean that,” she quickly added. “You don’t need to live with her. She can’t be good for you.” Joyce began to weep, and Jennifer walked out of the room.

That night, she got a long lecture from her father about how they wanted only what was best for her and had loved her all these years and still loved her. He told Jennifer about her mother’s drug problem and the lifestyle she had lived. “That is why we didn’t want you to have contact with her,” he said.

Jennifer listened. Her only response was, “I know you love me, Dad, but I want to have a relationship with my mother. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t just walk away from her now.” George left the room, and now Jennifer cried.

Her last year in high school was a troubled one, as Jennifer tried to maintain sporadic contact with Christina without discussing it with her parents. Then she went off to college where life became a lot easier. She was able to have contact with both her parents and her mother. If her parents raised questions about seeing her mother, she simply denied it, and her mother never asked about her adoptive parents. She was just happy to have Jennifer in her life.

At the beginning of Jennifer’s junior year in college, her birth mother’s boyfriend moved out, and her mother sank into a deep depression. During this time, Christina returned to drugs and a year later ended up in a rehabilitation center. Jennifer had little contact with her during that year except an occasional phone call that she initiated and which usually left her in tears. Jennifer began suffering through some depression and went for counseling. During those counseling sessions she was able to work through her feelings of abandonment by her mother and being controlled by her parents.

Learning a Few New Languages 

She came to recognize that her birth mother had made the wisest decision possible at that time in her life and that her adoptive parents were sincerely thinking about her best interests when they tried to keep her from making contact with her mother. She intellectually understood what had happened, but she still struggled with feelings of abandonment. “I’m not sure anybody really loves me,” she told her counselor. “Intellectually I know my mother loves me, and I know my parents love me. But emotionally a lot of the time I don’t feel loved by anyone.”

During that session her therapist gave her a copy of The 5 Love Languages. “This book was originally written for married couples, helping them learn how to love each other,” the counselor said, “but I want you to read it, because I think it will help you understand the dynamics of love.”

Jennifer read the book and spent several sessions discussing it with her counselor. She came to realize that her own primary love language was words of affirmation. That’s why she was so attracted to her mother when she made initial contact. Her mother gave her so many affirming words. Conversely, that’s why she began to feel unloved by her parents when they opposed the idea of their fourteen-year-old daughter making contact with her birth mother. She heard a lot of critical, condemning words from them until she went to college, but the tension eased as they thought she was not seeing her mother.

A year later, after graduating from college and taking a job in her hometown, Jennifer picked up the book and read it again. This time she focused on discovering the love language of her parents and mother. She remembered the long embraces her mother would give her every time she arrived and every time she left. She remembered also that often in conversation Christina would reach over and touch her arm. Jennifer had not always felt comfortable with these embraces and touches, but she knew now that physical touch was her birth mom’s primary love language.

She concluded that her father’s love language was words of affirmation. He had always tried to put a positive spin on things. She never felt as condemned by her dad as by her mother. Even in the worst of times her father would give her affirming words, though often they were negated by his insistence that she not see her mother. Joyce’s love language was a little more difficult for Jennifer to discover, but she finally concluded it was acts of service.

Speaking Her Family’s Love Languages 

With this information, Jennifer began to respond to the three most significant people in her life by speaking their primary love language every time she encountered them. If she heard that Joyce was having guests, she would bake cupcakes. When she visited, she always asked, “What can I do to help you while I’m here?” If Joyce didn’t suggest something, she would find something and do it. She began to verbally affirm her father, sometimes in private and sometimes in the presence of her mother. She tried never to leave without having said something positive to him.

When she was with Christina, she entered more fully into the embraces and began taking initiative to put her hand on her mother’s back when she passed her on the couch or to kiss her on the cheek after an embrace.

All three of these relationships began to improve. Jennifer began to receive affirming words and found herself feeling genuinely warm toward Joyce in spite of those cutting words that had played in her mind for years: “If she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Jennifer realized that because words of affirmation was her love language, Joyce’s question had deeply hurt her. But now she was hearing affirming words from her mother, and the record of that distant message began to fade. She always knew Joyce loved her, and now she was beginning to feel it.

Later, Jennifer shared her story at a national singles conference. It was obvious to me that Jennifer’s sense of well-being was greatly enhanced by developing a loving relationship with all three parents.

Not everyone has had the kinds of struggles Jennifer encountered with her parents. But many single adults have fractured or broken relationships with their parents. The lack of feeling love from their parents leaves them with an emptiness that cannot be filled by academic or vocational success.

The key takeaway from this chapter is this: no matter what has happened between you and your parents, if you will take the initiative to discover their primary love language and begin to speak it, the potential for healing and reconciliation is very real.

On the other hand, you may have a strong, loving relationship with your parents. If so, then discovering their primary love language will simply enhance that relationship.

SIBLINGS: BUILT-IN FRIENDS?

Relationships with siblings are often colored by the events of childhood and adolescence. The nature of the relationship in earlier years influences the relationship as adults. This influence may be positive or negative. If the relationship is positive, then it can only be enhanced by discovering the primary love language of your siblings and speaking that language regularly. If the negative influences of childhood linger into adulthood, then nothing has more potential for healing the hurts of the past than expressing love in the sibling’s primary love language.

BRIANNA’S FRECKLES

Brianna was a redheaded, freckle-faced, beautiful single woman who said to me, “When I was growing up, my brother, who is two years older than I, always kidded me about my freckles. He nicknamed me Freckles and introduced me to all his friends by this name. I never liked it, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. I would just say, ‘My name is Brianna,’ and let it go at that. He still introduces me that way even now that we are both grown. It’s not a big deal, but I don’t like it. I wish he would just call me Brianna.”

“Have you ever told him?” I asked.

“Not since we were in high school,” she said. “I mentioned it a couple of times, but it didn’t do any good. Other than that we have a good relationship.”

“Do you have any idea what your brother’s primary love language is?”

“I think it is quality time,” she said. “He’s always coming around and wanting to talk with me, especially if he’s dating someone new. He wants my advice on what to say. He knows he can always get a glass of tea and sandwich at my place. He’ll come by and we’ll talk.”

“So, do you freely give him your time?” I asked.

“Usually,” she said, “though sometimes I have errands to run, and I tell him to make himself at home and I’ll be back later. He’ll take a nap or watch TV, and we’ll pick up our conversation when I get back.”

“Do you think your brother genuinely feels loved by you?” I asked.

“I certainly hope so,” she said. “Absolutely, if quality time is his love language; I give him a lot of quality time.”

“And do you feel loved by your brother?”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “My love language is words of affirmation. He’s always telling me how smart I am and how much he appreciates my advice.”

“Sounds like you have a pretty healthy relationship,” I said, “but it would be improved if he would stop calling you Freckles, right?”

She laughed and said, “Yes.”

The Big Request 

“Then would you be willing to try an experiment with me?” I asked.

“If you think it will help, I’ll try anything,” she said.

“One night when you are with your brother, tell him that you’ve been reading a book on communicating love to family members and that you want to ask him a question. The question is this: On a scale of zero to ten, how much do you feel I love you as a sister? If he gives you an eight, nine, or ten, which I am assuming he will, then ask him how much he loves you on a scale of zero to ten. If he gives you a high rating, then tell him you really believe what he says and you sense his love. Therefore, you have one request that would make you feel even more loved.

“Ask him if he would be open to hearing your request. If he says yes (how could he not say yes?), then you simply say, ‘I want you to stop introducing me as Freckles. You can call me Freckles if you want to when we are alone, but please don’t ever call me Freckles again in public. Just introduce me as your sister, Brianna.’

“He will likely be shocked when you make your request, because he probably has no idea that this still bothers you, but he needs to know. And if he knows, my guess is he’ll change, and you will feel even more loved by him.”

“Just that straightforward?” she asked. Before I could answer, she said, “That might be hard. I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want him to think I’m silly.”

“Is it important to you that he stop introducing you as Freckles?” I asked.

“It really is,” she said.

“Then give him a chance. He can’t read your mind. It’s not silly, and you won’t hurt him by asking. You’ll be giving him the information he needs to express love to you more effectively.”

“I’ll try it,” she said, and she walked away.

Six months later, I got a letter from Brianna. It was a simple letter. At the top was the sketch of a face filled with freckles. Beneath it were these words: “It worked. My brother was very responsive—hasn’t introduced me as Freckles in six months. Thanks, Brianna.”

Brianna demonstrates a significant principle. If siblings feel loved, they are far more likely to respond to a sincere request. Inasmuch as Brianna was already speaking her brother’s primary love language and he already felt loved by her, the simple request was all it took for him to deal with an issue that was important to her, one about which he had not given serious thought in years.

If, on the other hand, her brother had not felt loved by her, she probably would have gotten a different response. When siblings feel unloved, they are likely to take any request as a demand, and their response will be predictably negative. Again, feeling loved makes the difference in the way a person responds to a legitimate request.

BROTHER TO BROTHER

For Steve the road was much more difficult. “My brother and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. I’m one year older than Tom. I don’t know if it was a fight for superiority or something else. We’re both grown now, but we still don’t have a very close relationship. If I needed help, I wouldn’t turn to him.”

“Do you want to have a better relationship?” I inquired.

“I do,” he said. “We’re brothers. I’m not looking to be ‘best buddies’ or anything, but I do wish we could be closer.

“Mom and Dad are getting older, and we’re going to have to deal with taking care of them a few years down the road. With our relationship like it is, I don’t know that we could ever agree on anything.”

I agreed with Steve that it was time for him to make an effort to improve their relationship. I talked with him about the importance of emotional love and that all of us have an emotional love tank: “When the love tank is full and we genuinely feel loved by family members, we tend to have positive, growing relationships. But when the love tank is empty and we do not feel loved by family members, barriers tend to develop between us. We tend to view each other in a negative light and can sometimes even be hostile toward each other.”

As I talked to Steve, I learned his brother was recently married. “I don’t know if that’s going to bring us closer together or not,” he said.

“Do you have any idea what your brother’s primary love language is?” I asked. Steve had never heard of the love languages and didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. I proceeded to explain the love languages and that each of us has a primary love language that speaks to us more deeply than the other four. I suggested that love is the most powerful way to improve a relationship.

“How would I discover his primary love language?” Steve asked. “I don’t see him that much.”

I asked Steve several questions about his brother, but his answers shed little light on what his brother’s love language might be. So I suggested that, since Tom was recently married, Steve give him and his new wife a copy of The 5 Love Languages, which focuses on how to keep love alive and thriving in a marriage.

“There are two advantages in doing this,” I said. “First, if he and his wife read it, it will enhance their relationship. Secondly, three months after you give them the book, you might ask his wife if she discovered your brother’s primary love language.” I told him I could almost guarantee that if he started speaking in his brother’s primary love language, the relationship between the two of them would begin to change.

Taking the First Step 

I didn’t see Steve again for about six months. When I saw him next, the first thing he said was, “I discovered my brother’s primary language, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to speak it.”

“So, what is his love language?” I asked.

“Acts of service. His wife said they both agreed that was his primary love language. But I hardly ever see Tom, so how can I do acts of service for him?”

After talking awhile about his brother’s lifestyle and interests, we agreed that Steve would offer to keep his brother’s dog any weekend that Tom and his new wife wanted to get away. That would definitely be an act of service on Steve’s part and something that his brother was likely to appreciate. Even though Steve and his brother had not been close, it would be a logical and helpful offer for his brother and his new sister-in-law. Steve said, “I’ll try it,” and we parted ways.

About two months passed before I encountered Steve again. This time he said, “I’m scheduled to keep my brother’s dog in three weeks!”

“So he accepted your offer?”

“Yeah, he seemed to really appreciate it. But how many times can I keep the dog, and how is that going to improve our relationship?”

The Second Mile: Walking the Dog, Fixing the Deck … 

“Remember, your brother’s primary love language is acts of service,” I said. “Anytime you do an act of service, it’s like pouring love into his love tank. As his love tank begins to fill, he is emotionally drawn to the person who is filling it. So if you keep the dog only once a year, that’s like pouring a gallon of love into his love tank. Perhaps he and his wife will take more than one weekend away each year, which may allow for two or three gallons of love.”

“But what else can I do?” Steve asked.

“Tell his wife that if your brother needs help on any projects, you would be happy to help him if she would just text you. Then sit back and wait for the messages to come in.”

“You make it seem so easy.”

“It won’t be as easy as it seems when you start helping with the projects,” I said.

I learned later that within the month Steve was helping his brother replace his deck. Before the year was over, he had mowed his brother’s yard twice when he was in the hospital for two weeks, had kept the dog on three weekends, and had helped his brother build a fire pit.

Steve told me, “I’ve spent more time with my brother this year than the last fifteen years combined. I feel like we’re getting close again. We haven’t had any deep conversations about the past. It’s just that we both seem more adult, and we’re relating to each other as adults.”

In It for the Long Haul 

“Are you ready for the next level?” I asked.

“Is there another level?” Steve replied.

“Invite him and his wife over for a meal,” I said. “You may need your girlfriend’s help for that one.”

“She’s a good cook. We could do that.” His eyes lit up like he had just discovered a new toy. “My brother has never been to my place,” he said.

“I’ll give you another idea,” I said. “Does your brother have any interest in sports?”

“He’s a NASCAR fan,” Steve said, “but he doesn’t go very often. He says the tickets are too expensive, so he watches it on TV.”

“Then buy two tickets,” I said. “Just you and your brother together for a whole day. Think about it.”

“That would definitely be a new level,” Steve said.

All these conversations with Steve occurred more than four years ago. He and his brother now have a warm, close, and loving relationship. Steve has a new girlfriend and tells me that he’s thinking seriously about marriage. “Be sure you learn to speak her primary love language before you get married,” I said.

“I’m already speaking it,” he said with a grin.

Steve has demonstrated the power of love to remove barriers and bring family members closer together. Families were designed to be the basic caring unit of society. Learning to speak each other’s primary love language in the family turns this design into a reality.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. List the names of your family members: mother, father, siblings. Using a 0–10 scale (with 0 representing not loved, 5 somewhat loved, and 10 greatly loved), how loved do you feel by each of your family members?

2. Why did you rate each family member as you did? What factors are contributing to the feelings of love?

3. What do you think is each family member’s primary love language?

4. How effective do you think you have been in speaking their primary love languages? Answer the question by listing each family member’s name and writing a number from the 0–10 scale (0 meaning you don’t know it, 5 expressing it occasionally, and 10 consistently speaking the language).

5. Use the list below to map out a strategy for expressing love to your family members more effectively in the weeks ahead.

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” TO YOUR FAMILY

List below each member of your family and his or her love language. Then write a few ways to show love for each of them. Reflect on the suggestions in this chapter for ideas.

Name:

Love Language:

My love response:

Name:

Love Language:

My love response:

Name:

Love Language:

My love response:

Name:

Love Language:

My love response: