DATING RELATIONSHIPS—PART 2:

Should Love Lead to Marriage?

I was sitting at my desk one Saturday morning, sorting papers, when I got a call from Mark. We’ve known each other for over thirty years. I participated in the weddings of his children. I presided over the funeral of his wife five years earlier. I had walked with Mark through the pain of grief, but I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was different. It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on. After asking the usual “Let’s catch up” questions, he said, “I’m calling to let you know that I’m getting married.”

“Married?” I exclaimed. “When?”

“On Christmas Day,” he replied. “All the kids and grandkids will be here, so we decided that would be a good time for the wedding.”

“Well, congratulations!” I said. “I’m happy for you.”

“I would like for you to be a part of the ceremony,” he said. “We’re going to get married at her church, and her pastor will be leading things. But we both want you to be involved as well.”

“I’d be honored,” I said.

Mark and I finished our conversation, and then I walked upstairs to give my wife the good news. “I’m surprised he’s waited this long,” she said matter-of-factly. We both knew Mark had been dating Sylvia for about three years. Her husband passed away two months before Mark’s wife did. She had strong Christian commitments and was quite active in community life. Sylvia and Mark had a lot in common.

Both Karolyn and I felt good about their relationship. Because of their age and past experience, neither Mark nor Sylvia felt the need for premarital counseling. They were fairly happy in their first marriages and assumed they would be happily married again.

Two years later, Mark called again. His tone was much more somber: “I think we need help,” he said. “We’ve got some pretty severe disagreements, and we just can’t get on the same page. Maybe I made a mistake in getting married again. It seems that neither one of us is very happy.”

Over the next three months, I met regularly with Mark and Sylvia. We worked our way through a number of conflicts regarding children, furniture, money, retirement, vehicles, and church. However, at the root of all their unresolved conflicts was an empty love tank. Neither of them felt loved by the other. They had dated for three years, so the in-love obsession had run its course before they got married. But because they had so much in common and enjoyed being with each other, they didn’t see that as a problem. They knew from past experience that the in-love obsession was temporary. However, two years after the wedding, their differences (which seldom surfaced before marriage) became divisive. And the lack of emotional love created a climate of tension. They did not yell and scream at each other; they were much too mature for that, but both admitted that they were living with a high level of emotional frustration.

A MAN WHO DIDN’T “GET IT”

Sylvia’s primary love language was quality time. Before marriage, Mark spoke her love language fluently. On their dates, he gave her his undivided attention. She felt genuinely loved by him even after the in-love obsession faded. However, after the wedding, she discovered that living with Mark was far different from dating Mark. He was a super-active person, and there were always “things to be done.” There were lawns to be mowed, shrubbery to be trimmed, walls to be painted, basements to clean out. There was always a project.

“He works hard, but the problem is we don’t have time for each other,” said Sylvia. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate what he does. I do, but what good is it if we can’t just spend nice time together?”

On the other hand, Mark really didn’t get it. “I don’t understand her,” he said. “Most women would be glad to have a husband like me. How can she say I don’t love her?”

Instead of answering Mark’s question prematurely, I turned the conversation by asking, “On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from Sylvia?”

He was silent for a moment and then said, “About zero right now. All she ever does is criticize me. I never thought it would come to this. Before we got married, she was always so positive. When I painted the living room at her house and replaced the windows in her bedroom, she couldn’t say enough about how great I was. Now I do the same thing in our house and it doesn’t count for anything.”

Mark’s primary love language was words of affirmation.

Instead of explaining, I gave them a copy of The 5 Love Languages and said, “The answer to your marriage is in this book. I want you to read it carefully, and two weeks from today I want you to tell me why neither of you feels loved.” I don’t think either of them was very impressed with my approach, but they both agreed to read the book.

Two weeks later, the atmosphere was very different. They walked into my office smiling. “Now we know why you wanted us to read this book before we got married,” Sylvia said. “I wish we had listened to you.”

I resisted the urge to say, “I wish you had also.” Instead, I said, “You can’t relive the past two years, but you can make the future very different.”

FILLING SYLVIA’S LOVE TANK

“So, what is Sylvia’s love language?” I asked Mark.

“Quality time, without a doubt,” he said. “For two years, I’ve been doing projects when she needed me to sit and talk with her, take drives in the country, and walk around the neighborhood after dinner. I was always too busy for those things. Now I realize that I was wrong. Because I didn’t speak her love language, she did the only thing she knew to do—she grumbled.”

“And what is your love language?” I asked.

“My primary love language is words of affirmation, which is why her complaining was like a knife to my heart.”

“I realize now what I did,” Sylvia said. “My love tank was so empty. I didn’t even know I had a love tank, so I certainly didn’t realize that it was empty. I did what was natural for me: I tried to express my need. I see now that it came across as condemning him. Instead of affirming him for all the good things he was doing, I criticized him because he was not meeting my deeper needs. We both apologized to each other, and we know the future is going to be different,” she said.

“I promised her we will have a date night every week,” Mark said. “And we will take a walk after dinner at least one night a week, maybe two. And every three months, we’re going to take a weekend trip together.”

“It’s like we are starting our marriage over again,” Sylvia said; “only this time, we know how to love each other. Mark is one of the hardest-working men I’ve ever known. And from now on, I’m going to make sure he knows I appreciate that about him.”

It’s been over a decade now since that conversation with Mark and Sylvia. Sylvia recently said to me, “I can’t thank you enough for the time you spent with us. It literally saved our marriage,” and Mark told me, “I want you to know that I could not be happier.”

In the midst of crisis, Mark and Sylvia discovered something that could have been figured out while they were dating. Unfortunately they did what thousands of people do—assume that the love relationship will continue after marriage without much (or any) effort. Before marriage they were speaking each other’s love language but were not conscious of what they were doing. The dating context made it easy for Mark to give Sylvia quality time. She was the focus of his attention while they were together. Because she felt loved, it was easy for her to give him affirming words.

If romantic love leads to marriage, be sure you continue to speak your partner’s love language. Remember, this takes real work—but it’s worth the effort. The marriage context is very different from the dating context. In the normalcy of married life, Mark busied himself with things he thought would be important to her, missing the most important thing—quality time. When Sylvia ceased to give him affirming words, his love tank drained quickly. Without emotional love, their differences became battlefields, and both of them questioned the wisdom of their marriage. And without an understanding of the nature of love, their marriage would undoubtedly have ended in divorce.

WHY MARRY?

What Most of Us Seek 

Well, if it’s so hard and the odds aren’t so good, this question might come up: Why bother? With so many marriages ending in divorce, why take the risk? The simple answer is that we all desire to love and be loved uniquely, and that leads most of us into a covenant marriage relationship.

If single adults—of whatever age—can understand the nature of love and how to express it effectively, they can have the strong and lasting marriages they desire. And so, my plea to every single who reads this book is to (1) apply these principles in every dating relationship; (2) accept the thrill of the in-love obsession for what it is—exciting but temporary; and (3) commit yourself to purposeful love expressed in the other person’s primary love language.

When those in dating relationships do these things, they can then assess the other aspects of life that will help them make a wise decision about marriage.

Marriage: What Is the Purpose? 

Before we explore those “other aspects,” perhaps we ought to pause long enough to ask, “What is the purpose of marriage?” If you ask a dozen friends that question, you may receive a dozen answers. Here are some of the answers I received from the many single adults I have interacted with over the years:

1. Companionship

2. Sex

3. Love

4. To provide a home for children

5. Social acceptance

6. Economic advantage

7. Security

But can’t these objectives be accomplished outside of marriage? Yes—although abundant research has indicated that married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially.¹ Still, the purpose of marriage runs deeper than any of these seven goals.

Humanity’s Deepest Need 

In the ancient biblical account of creation, God says of Adam, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” God’s answer to man’s need was, “I will make a helper suitable for him.”² The Hebrew word for suitable literally means “face-to-face.” The picture is that God created one with whom man could have a face-to-face relationship. It speaks of that kind of in-depth, personal relationship whereby the two are united in an unbreakable union that satisfies the deepest longings of the human heart.

Marriage is God’s answer for humanity’s deepest need—union of life with another. Indeed, that same ancient account of creation says of Adam and Eve, “They become one flesh.”³

Humanity’s psychological history is replete with our desire for connection. I believe that marriage is designed to be the most intimate of all human relationships. The husband and wife are going to share life intellectually, emotionally, socially, physically, and spiritually, and they are going to share life to such a degree that they become “one flesh.” This does not mean that married couples lose their individuality, but it does mean that they have a deep sense of unity.

This kind of union does not come without a deep and enduring commitment. Marriage is not a contract to make sexual relationships legal. It is not merely a social institution to provide for the care of children. It is not merely a psychological clinic where we gain the emotional support we need. It is not a means of gaining social status or economic security. The ultimate purpose of marriage is not even achieved when it is the vehicle for love and companionship, as valuable as these are.

The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple and best serves the purposes of God for their lives.

HOW DO TWO BECOME ONE?

If the goal of marriage is the deep union of two individuals in every area of life, then what implications does this goal have for an individual who is contemplating marriage? The act of getting married does not just give a couple this kind of unity. There is a difference between “being united” and “unity.”

If our goal is oneness, then the key question before marriage ought to be, “What reasons do we have for believing that we can become one?” As we examine the intellectual, social, emotional, spiritual, and physical areas of life, what do we find? Do we hold enough in common in these areas to provide a foundation for unity? No house should be built without a suitable foundation. Likewise, no marriage should be initiated until the couple has explored their foundation.

What does this mean in a practical sense? It means that couples thinking of marriage ought to spend time discussing each basic area of life in order to determine who they are. I have encountered quite a few married couples who have very little understanding of each other’s intellectual interests. Many marry with only a superficial understanding of each other’s personality or emotional makeup. Others marry thinking that religious and moral values are unimportant, and therefore give them little consideration. If you want an intimate marriage, doesn’t it make sense to build a strong foundation? The remaining pages of this chapter are for singles in dating relationships who want to evaluate the foundations of their relationships (while trying to speak their partner’s love language) as they consider marriage.

Intellectual Unity 

To properly explore the foundation of intellectual unity, you need to get very practical. Try this: set aside specific dating time to discuss with each other the kinds of books you read. This reveals something of your intellectual interests. If one of you doesn’t really read books, this also is revealing. Do you follow the news regularly? What kind of TV shows do you enjoy most? What are you curious about? The answer to all these questions will indicate something of your intellectual interests.

Grades in school and the amount of education each of you has should also be considered. This does not mean that you must have the same areas of intellectual interests, but you ought to be able to communicate with each other on the same intellectual plane. Many couples awaken a short time after they get married to discover that this area of life was off-limits because of an inability to understand each other. They never really even considered it before marriage.

I’m not talking about perfection here, but I am talking about building foundations. Do you hold enough in common intellectually to have a basis for growth? This may be best answered by attempting some growth exercises. Agree to read the same book and spend some quality time discussing its concepts. Once a week read the headline article at your news website of choice and discuss its merits and implications. This will reveal a great deal regarding your present status and potential for future growth in intellectual intimacy.

Social Unity 

We are all social creatures, but our social interests will often differ greatly. You owe it to yourself and each other to explore the foundation. Is he a sports fan? How many hours each week does he spend watching ESPN? (Do you think this is going to change after marriage?) What are your musical interests? What about opera … ballet … gospel songs? (Did you cringe reading any of those? What about your significant other?) I remember the young wife who said, “He loves hip-hop, and I can’t stand it!” It never seemed important before marriage. I wonder why. Could it have been the “in love” obsession?

What kinds of recreational activities do you enjoy? Have you ever heard of “golf widows”? Do you enjoy parties, and if so, what kinds of parties? These are questions that you can’t afford not to answer.

“Do we have to have the same social interests?” you ask. No, but you must have a foundation for unity. Do you hold enough in common that you can begin to grow together? Such social growth ought to begin before marriage. If it doesn’t, it’s not likely to begin afterward. Stretch yourself. Go to things you haven’t learned to enjoy before. See if you can learn to enjoy some of the same things. If you find that you are marching in two different directions socially, remember that the goal of marriage is unity. Ask yourself, If he never changes his present social interest, will I be happy to live with him the rest of my life?

What about your personality? Could you write a descriptive paragraph about the kind of person you are? Then why not do it? And have your prospective mate do the same. Share these with each other and discuss your self-concept as compared with how you appear to others.

Do you understand each other well enough to believe that you can work as a team? Sure, your personality can complement his, but does he want to be complemented?

What clashes have you had in your dating relationship? What do you see as potential problem areas when you think of living life together? Discuss these openly. Can you make progress in overcoming these difficulties before marriage? If there is an unresolved problem before marriage, it will be magnified after marriage.

This does not mean that your personalities should be identical—that could make for a pretty boring marriage. There should, however, be a basic understanding of each other’s personality and some idea of how you will relate to each other. Personality clashes will not be resolved by merely getting married.

Emotional Unity 

Because of the euphoria of the “in love” experience, many couples feel like they have genuine emotional intimacy. As one person said to me, “This is the strongest part of our relationship. We really connect emotionally.” However, when the euphoria subsides, some couples discover that the foundation for emotional intimacy is extremely weak. They experience feelings of estrangement and distance. “I don’t know how I could have felt so close to him six months ago when today I feel like I don’t even know him,” one recent bride confided.

What is emotional intimacy? It is that deep sense of being connected to one another. It is feeling loved, respected, and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate.

To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship. Let’s explore these three ingredients to emotional unity.

Evidence of genuine love includes speaking each other’s primary love language consistently. After you have discussed the concepts in this book and discovered each other’s love language, ask yourself: How fluently do you speak it? How much are you—and your partner—trying to speak each other’s love languages?

Respect begins with this attitude: “I acknowledge that you are a creature of extreme worth. God has endowed you with certain abilities and emotions. Therefore I respect you as a person. I will not desecrate your worth by making critical remarks about your intellect, your judgment, or your logic. I will seek to understand you and grant you the freedom to think differently from the way I think and to experience emotions that I may not experience.” Respect means that you give the other person the freedom to be an individual. You must also ask this question: Does the person you are considering as a spouse respect you? You can tell by the way they treat your ideas, emotions, and dreams.

The third element of emotional unity is the sense of being appreciated. When we express appreciation, it means that we recognize the value of the other person’s contribution to our relationship. Each of us expends our energy and abilities in ways that benefit our relationship. To sense that our potential mate recognizes our efforts and appreciates them builds emotional intimacy between the two of us.

This appreciation can look like complimenting each other. She might say, “Thanks for texting me when you realized you were going to be late. It means a lot to me that you were thinking about me.” Or, “Thanks for inviting me over for dinner. I know how much work this takes, and I really appreciate it.” Such statements communicate appreciation. If, on the other hand, your thoughtful acts go unnoticed, you may begin to feel unappreciated, and emotional distance develops between the two of you.

Appreciation may also focus on abilities: “I love to hear you sing. You’re so talented.” Or personality: “I am so grateful for your positive spirit about things. I know you were disappointed last night when I had to cancel our date, but it made me feel so much better when you told me you understood.” Appreciation requires concentration. First of all, I must be observant of the other person’s actions, words, attitudes, and personality. Then, I must take initiative to express my gratitude.

If there is genuine love, respect, and appreciation, then you will experience emotional unity. Discuss these three ingredients before marriage. Share with each other what makes you feel loved, respected, and appreciated.⁴ The degree to which you develop emotional unity before marriage will set the pace for your intimacy after marriage.

Spiritual Unity 

Spiritual foundations are often the least excavated, even by couples who attend church regularly. Many married couples find that their greatest disappointment in marriage is that there is so little unity in this area. “We never pray together,” said one wife. “Church is like something we do individually. Even though we sit together, we never discuss what we experience,” said another. Instead of unity, there is growing isolation, the exact opposite of what we desired in marriage.

Too many premarital discussions on religion deal only with church attendance and other external matters. They fail to grapple with the most basic and important issues: “Is your fiancé a Christian?” I often ask. The normal reply is, “Oh, yes, he’s a member at St. Mark’s.”

I am not talking about church membership, charitable giving, or family tradition. I am talking about the spiritual foundation for marriage. Do you each agree that there is an infinite, personal God? Do you know this God? These questions get to the heart of the matter.

It is not enough to be associated with similar religious organizations. It is a matter of personal beliefs. For example, if the woman has a deep commitment to Jesus Christ as Lord and senses God’s direction into missions work, but the man has visions of wealth and success in the financial world, do they have an adequate foundation for marriage?

Here are legitimate questions to consider: Do your hearts beat together spiritually? Are you encouraging each other in spiritual growth, or is one gently but consistently pulling in the opposite direction? Spiritual foundations are important. In fact, they are the most important because they influence all other areas of life and unity.

Physical Unity 

If you are physically attracted to each other, you probably have the foundation for physical unity. But there is an interesting fact about sexual unity: it can’t be separated from emotional, spiritual, and social unity. In fact, the problems that develop in the sexual aspect of marriage almost always have their root in one of these other areas. Physical incompatibility is almost nonexistent. The problem lies in other areas—it just makes itself known in the sexual area.

There are a few things that ought to be done in order to determine the nature of the foundation in this area of life. If you are headed toward marriage, a thorough physical examination for both partners is essential. With 19 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases each year⁵—almost half among those ages fifteen to twenty-four—entering marriage without a physical examination is like playing Russian roulette. Then you have to realistically face the implications of such a disease. For some sexually transmitted diseases, there are no cures, only medications to help manage the symptoms. Are you willing to live with this reality in a marriage partner?

The 1960s sexual revolution ushered in a great divide between the exercise of sexuality and the institution of marriage. The message was that the two no longer needed each other. As we have already discussed, this has created all kinds of problems, and a fulfilling sex life is more elusive to the present generation than ever. The research indicates that “monogamous individuals committed to one lifetime partner are the most physically and emotionally satisfied people sexually.”⁶

I believe that most people who engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage do so out of a sincere desire to find intimacy. Unfortunately, sexual intercourse does not create intimacy. Sex outside of marriage often sidetracks the process of building intimacy and becomes itself a source of great pain physically and emotionally.

I recognize that many single adults who read this book have experienced that pain. As a minister of hope, my answer is the same as it would be if the problem were in any other area. The message of the Christian church continues: repentance and faith in Jesus Christ are still the answer for men and women falling short of the mark. Do not allow past failures to cause you to give up. Losing a battle doesn’t mean the war is lost. We can’t retrace our steps and we can’t undo the past. We can, however, chart our course for the future. Do not excuse present behavior because of past failure. Confess your wrong and accept God’s forgiveness.⁷

Dealing with Scars 

Such action on your part does not mean that all the results of your sexual past will be eradicated. God forgives, but the natural results of our behaviors are not totally removed. A man who gets intoxicated and slams his car into a telephone pole, resulting in a broken arm and a demolished car, may have God’s forgiveness before he goes to the hospital, but his arm is still broken and his car is lost. Thus, in our moral behavior, the scars of failure are not totally removed by confession. What, then, are we to do with these scars?

The biblical challenge is honesty in all things.⁸ If we have been sexually active in the past and are now seriously thinking about marriage, we must be honest with our potential mate. Disclose fully what happened in your past. Marriage has no closets for skeletons. Your past is your past and can never be changed. Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as he or she might wish you were. If such acceptance cannot be experienced, then marriage should not be consummated. You must enter marriage with all the cards on the table.

In addition to the acceptance of your potential mate, you must also accept yourself and overcome your own past. If, for example, you have a negative attitude toward sex because of past experiences, you must not sweep this under the rug and go on as though this attitude does not exist. Face it, and deal with it.

This may involve counseling and certainly involves the exploration of spiritual healing. For the Christian, this begins with an in-depth study of what the Scriptures say about our sexuality. One cannot come away from such a study without the impression that the biblical view of sexual intercourse within marriage is positive. It is wholesome, beautiful, and ordained of God. An understanding of the truth will liberate you from negative attitudes. Thank God for the truth and ask Him to change feelings to coincide with the truth. You are not destined to fail in marriage because of past failures. You will have roadblocks to overcome that would not be there if you had followed God’s ideal. But He has come to heal our infirmities and to help us reach our potential.

In this section, I have been discussing foundations for marital unity. If sex is your only goal, then the matters discussed above may be relatively unimportant. If you only want someone to cook your meals or pay the rent, then all you need is a willing partner. If, on the other hand, your goal is total unity of life, then you ought to examine the foundation closely. If you find that the foundation is not strong enough to hold the weight of a lifetime commitment, then you should not marry.

One national study has found that 87 percent of never-married single adults said that they wanted to have one marriage that would last a lifetime.⁹ They have seen the results of divorce in the lives of their parents, and that is not what they desire. Making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in having a lifelong, satisfying marriage.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

If you are involved in a dating relationship that has the potential of leading to marriage, the following questions will be a good starting point:

1. Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? (Do some of the exercises mentioned in this chapter: read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.)

2. To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? (Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.)

3. Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? (Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.)

4. To what degree have we excavated our spiritual foundations? (What are your beliefs about God, Scripture, organized religion, values, and morals?)

5. Are we being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? (Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this?) To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality?

6. Have we discovered and are we speaking each other’s primary love language? (It is in the context of a full love tank that we are most capable of honestly exploring the foundations of our relationship.)