SUCCESS:

Love Is the Key

I’ve never met a single adult who aspired to become a failure. Everyone wants to succeed. But what is success? Ask a dozen people and you may get a dozen answers.

I like the definition a friend of mine shared: “Success is making the most of who you are with what you’ve got.”

Every person has the potential to make a positive impact on the world. Success is not measured by the amount of money you possess or the position you attain but rather in what you do with what you’ve got. Position and money can be squandered or abused, but they can also be used to help others.

We typically speak of success in specific areas of life, such as financial success, educational success, or vocational success. We also attach the word to sports, family, religion, and relationships. What we mean when we say that people are successful in one of these areas is that they accomplished the goals they set for themselves.

Whatever the category and whatever our view of success, we are more likely to succeed if we effectively love people.

SUCCESS IN BUSINESS, SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s think for a moment of business success. Tom Peters, author of Thriving on Chaos, said, “Only companies that stay attached to their customers will survive and prosper.”¹ Peters is talking about relationships. True business success is always built on relationships.

Psychologist Kevin Leman, author of Winning the Rat Race Without Becoming a Rat, offers three laws for success in business:

Number One: People love to buy anything, especially if they like the person who is selling it to them.

Number Two: You build relationships one conversation at a time.

Number Three: Know your customers and selling your product will take care of itself.²

Leman concludes that the Golden Rule, “Treat others as you would like to be treated,” is the key to all successful businesses.³ All of these business principles call for an attitude of love and will be greatly strengthened by knowing and speaking the primary love language of your business associates.

What is true as a guiding principle for business success is also true in the field of human resources. Many successful companies have realized that their greatest asset is the people who work for them. They also recognize that negative work environments can create a tension that rules the office, and productivity is decreased. I know of nothing more effective in changing the work climate than understanding and practicing the concepts of the five love languages.⁴

BACK TO BECKY AND LAUREN

Do you remember Lauren, whom we met in chapter 12? She resented her coworker Becky because she felt like Becky was not carrying her part of the workload. Lauren decided to try to discover Becky’s primary love language and see what would happen if she expressed meaningful love and appreciation to her. She did this by making a New Year’s resolution that she wanted to do one thing for each of her coworkers that would make their lives easier. So she asked Becky and the others to give her a suggestion.

Becky turned the tables on Lauren and said, “I will if you will.” After reflection, Lauren agreed. She requested that Becky help her by sharing the responsibility of making coffee each morning for the office staff. After Becky said yes, she asked Lauren to acknowledge when she did something well: “Positive words have always meant a lot to me, and I feel like all I ever get is criticisms. I would just like to feel that somebody thinks I’m doing a good job.” It was obvious to Lauren that Becky’s primary love language was words of affirmation. Here is the rest of the story:

Lauren struggled greatly with Becky’s request. Remember, she felt resentment toward Becky for not carrying her part of the workload. How could she give her words of affirmation when she felt so resentful? Since Becky had agreed to help Lauren by making the coffee every other week, Lauren decided to start with that. On Wednesday of the first week, Lauren said to Becky, “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your making the coffee this week. It feels so great to have a break from that responsibility. I really appreciate you helping me with this.”

“If There’s Anything Else I Can Do …” 

“I’m glad to help,” Becky said. “I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to help you. If there is anything else I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Lauren walked back to her desk stunned. She couldn’t believe what Becky had just said. For two years, she had resented Becky for not carrying her part of the workload. But now, Becky was volunteering to help. Why didn’t I discover this love language concept sooner? she said to herself. But dare I ask her to do something else for me? she mused. Certainly I can’t do that without giving her another compliment in some other area, but what could that be?

Lauren pushed her thoughts aside and went back to work. The next day she noticed something different about Becky’s hair. In the past, she wouldn’t have mentioned it because of her resentment for Becky, but today she found herself freely saying, “I like how you’re wearing your hair today. It’s great.”

“Thanks,” said Becky. “I’ve been wanting to do something different for a long time. I finally got up the courage.”

“Well, it really looks nice,” said Lauren.

Two days later, Lauren found herself saying to Becky, “I noticed that you were still working when I left the office last night. Did you work very long?”

“About twenty minutes,” Becky said. “I just wanted to finish the project I was on.”

“I really appreciate that,” said Lauren. “That’s certainly going beyond the call of duty. I’m going to mention that to Ray just so he’ll know how hard you’ve been working.”

“Oh, wow, thanks,” said Becky. “That’d be great.”

Lauren sat down at her desk and thought, I’m really getting into this thing.

“I’d Be Happy to …” 

The following week she went to Becky and said, “You know the other day when you mentioned that if I had something else you could help me with, you would be willing to do it?”

“Yes,” said Becky.

“There is one thing. I know you said you were going down to the print shop later today. Could you get me some plain white printer paper while you’re there?”

“I’d be happy to,” said Becky.

“In fact,” Lauren said, “we could even take turns with that like we do the coffeemaker, if you want. At least both of us won’t be making the same trip every week.”

“Oh, I’ll be happy to do it,” said Becky. “I like going to the print shop. There is a new guy down there that I’ve got my eye on. So far, he hasn’t been very responsive, but I’m hoping.”

They both laughed, and Lauren walked away.

Over the next few months, Lauren continued giving Becky words of affirmation, and Becky continued responding to Lauren’s occasional request for help. Before the year was out, they found themselves going out for lunch together, something they had never done earlier.

“We actually became friends. It was hard to believe,” Lauren said. “It demonstrated for me the power of love, especially when you are speaking someone’s primary love language. I have to admit, it has changed the whole atmosphere, not only in my relationship with Becky but with the rest of our office staff.”

Lauren loved her way to a successful relationship with Becky.

IS IT HYPOCRITICAL TO LOVE?

Act Like You Love the Person 

Some may question the concept of loving someone you resent. Isn’t that being hypocritical? You have negative feelings, but you are doing or saying something positive. When I hear that question, I am reminded of what the British scholar and beloved author C. S. Lewis said:

The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you love someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less.⁵

Your Feelings Aren’t Always Right 

Love is sometimes the choice to go against your feelings. It’s similar to what I do every morning when I get up. I don’t know about you, but if I only got out of bed on the mornings I felt like getting out of bed, I’d pretty much never get up. Almost every morning, including this morning, I go against my feelings, get up, do something I think to be good, and before the day is over, I feel good about having done it. Love is not a feeling; it is a way of behaving. Feelings follow behavior; therefore, loving feelings follow loving behavior. Loving actions on my part not only bring me positive feelings about myself, but, if spoken in the love language of the other person, they will stimulate positive feelings inside them.

Someone once said, “Following the path of least resistance is what makes people and rivers crooked. People seldom drift to success.” Love takes effort, but the dividends are enormous.

ON THE ROAD TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

Learning to discover and speak the love language of others is a giant step down the road of success.

Tim, an avid outdoorsman, made a choice to devote more time indoors to his elderly mother once he knew her love language. He asked her to share his house when he learned she was considering moving and possibly renting an apartment.

“Mom is now seventy-three years old and has many health problems. When I heard of the five love languages, I realized that my mother’s love language is quality time. Thus, I started making time each day to sit down and talk with her. Before that, I simply assumed she would feel loved because I was providing for her. But I have seen a difference in her countenance since I’ve started giving her quality time.

“I want to continue to understand and apply the five love languages concept to my relationships with Mom, other family members, friends, and, maybe someday, a special relationship with a Christian woman.” Tim has learned that love leads to success.

Evaluating Our Progress 

Evaluation has become a key word in many companies. In fact, you may identify with Darcy, who said, “I’m feeling a little nervous today, because this afternoon I’m having my annual evaluation with my boss. I think things are okay, but you just never know.”

The point of an evaluation is generally not to frighten the employee; the point is to focus on the purpose of the job and how well that purpose is being fulfilled. In short, an evaluation is to find out if you are succeeding. It is a practice that could yield positive fruit if applied to our relationships.

We have checkups with our work supervisor and checkups with our doctor. We could all benefit from “checking up” on ourselves. Consider saying to a friend, coworker, or family member, “If I could make one change that would make life better for you, what would it be?” If you are bold enough to ask, then be strong enough to listen. What you hear will give you the information you need to improve your relationship with that person.

Perhaps you are saying, “But what if they request something that is extremely difficult for me to do?” My reply is, “That is what love is all about—doing something for the benefit of another!” If we do only what is easy, we will never succeed. There is one sure way of knowing you are on the right track toward success—the track is usually uphill.

Loving Those Who Don’t Love Us 

Most of us don’t have a problem loving people who love us back. That is why the challenge Jesus gave His followers seems so unattainable: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”⁶

It is interesting that Jesus gave God as our model when He said, “Your Father in heaven … causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”⁷

Perhaps you are thinking, That’s fine for God, but I’m not God. I cannot love the people who have mistreated me in life. Apart from God’s help, that is true. But the Scriptures say, “God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”⁸ Love is the central message of the Christian church. “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”⁹ Imagine what would happen if the single adults who call themselves Christians truly acted this way. Everyone desperately needs love. And those who give love are those who truly succeed.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta captured the truth well. When asked, “How do you measure the success of your work?” she looked puzzled for a moment and then replied, “I don’t remember that the Lord ever spoke of success. He spoke only of faithfulness in love. This is the only success that really counts.”¹⁰ Mother Teresa left an indelible mark upon the world for one reason. She opened her heart to be a channel of God’s love to others.

The greatest contribution any single adult can make is to become an effective channel of God’s love. It is my prayer that this book will enable you to do that more effectively.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. What degree of success do you feel in your vocational relationships? If you wanted to improve relationships with your coworkers, with whom would you begin?

2. What question might you ask that would help you discover his/her primary love language? (Perhaps you will want to refer to the second half of chapter 8 in formulating such a question.) If you already know your coworker’s primary love language, what might you say or do this week that would communicate love more effectively?

3. Is there a person in your life for whom you feel resentment? What happened to stimulate this emotion? What steps could you take to love your way to success in this relationship?

4. What is your most stressful relationship at the moment? Would you be willing to map out a strategy for improving this relationship by learning to speak that person’s primary love language?

5. To what degree are you drawing upon the love of God in your efforts to love others? How might you strengthen your love relationship with God?¹¹