Tips for When You Don’t Know What to Do

You can’t plan for every situation. Things will come up that you are not ready for, yet you must do something to help your teen. Here is a list of tips to assist you in those moments when you have no idea what to do.

When in doubt, try to connect with your teen. Don’t argue, keep reasoning, or start threatening when it’s clear that you aren’t getting anywhere. Just stop and try to make a connection. This can solve a multitude of crises.

Remember that your teen is probably miserable too. Show compassion, even when your kid is being impossible. He’s probably not happy, and he needs to know you understand that.

Keep the future in mind, even in the present crisis. Never forget that while the current problem must be dealt with, you want to use this circumstance to guide your teen into being equipped and prepared for adult life in the real world.

Normalize “no.” Don’t avoid saying “no” when it’s best for your teen. If she hears “no” regularly and often, your teen can accept it as part of life. “No” should not cause a person to have a fit or get depressed. Help your teen get used to the reality.

Tolerating your teen’s anger. Unless you’re really being mistreated, allow your teen to be angry with you and do not withdraw from him. Listen, contain his feelings, understand what he is saying, and clarify whether you’ve done anything to deserve the anger. But as much as possible, connect with your teen when he’s mad at you.

Go for responsibility and freedom, not control. Stop trying to “make” your kid have better grades, respect, or responsibility. Instead, think of ways that she can be free to choose and to experience consequences, so that she learns responsibility.

Be soft on preferences and style, and hard on disrespect and selfishness. Give your teen room to be a teen who is different from you in culture, dress, and style. But be strict about how he treats you and others.

Be the grown-up; don’t get hooked into the fights. When your teen gets argumentative, engage her. But if she stays unreasonable, disengage: “I’m done talking about this, and I’ll bring it up another time when you’re not so upset.”

Be loving but direct. Don’t beat around the bush when you confront a problem. Your teen can probably tell you’ve got an issue with him anyway.

If you are too tired, weak, or isolated, don’t threaten your teen with a consequence. Wait until you have got the support, energy, or resources you need. Your teen needs to learn that poor choices will bring a guaranteed and consistent consequence, not a possible consequence, maybe.

Plug into safe people who understand. If you need to, call for support and wisdom right before or after you have a problem with your teen.

Have a party when your teen makes a positive change. Change is hard for grown-ups, and even harder for teens. When your kid admits fault, changes her behavior or attitude, or takes a positive step, sincerely praise and support her. You want to see this again!