When I was a cottage parent in a children’s home, one of the teens, Jeffrey, who was smaller than the other boys, would provoke the big guys unmercifully, with poor results for himself. He would say to some huge kid, “You wanna fight, Ugly?” The other boy would hit him, and Jeffrey would withdraw and cry for a few minutes. Then he would charge out again, taunting Ugly with another challenge. Over and over again, Jeffrey bugged and annoyed the bigger boys, and always lost. I would talk to him, explain that this behavior wasn’t working for him, separate him from big kids, and talk to him some more. But it took Jeffrey a long time to outgrow his wishes to be the giant killer.
Every parent has similar stories about the unreasonable and extreme behaviors and attitudes of adolescents. You probably do too. Teens are impulsive, self-centered, and irrational. They have outbursts of anger and disrespect, then in a few minutes, they swing back to love and compliance. A friend of mine once said of an adult coworker, “He doesn’t think the right thoughts.” The same could be said of adolescents.
Most of the time, the developmental changes we reviewed in the last chapter explain these sorts of behaviors. Yet exciting research in the fields of psychiatry and neurology shows that the brains of adolescents do differ physically. Teens think differently.
Until recently, the standard view of brain development was that its hard wiring was complete by age five or so. During a child’s first five years, the brain experiences explosive growth, and the experts thought that most of the brain cells and connectors were in place by that age.
However, new research using MRI technology shows that a certain area of the teen brain goes through a second burst of development, giving teens a “second chance” when it comes to developing capacities such as judgment, impulse control, dealing with right and wrong, and rationality. Teens are still developing their ability to control emotions and use their higher thought processes.
You can probably guess which part of the teen brain has fully developed: the area that has to do with emotions, reactions, and “gut” decisions. But because they have not reached maturity in the more rational parts of their brain, adolescents go with their guts and often react without thinking. It is truly a roller coaster of highs and lows for the teen.
This research validates the need for you to be involved with and aware of your teen so you can guide and confront him as needed. He is being confronted with drinking, drugs, sex, and career decisions, but he is just not yet ready to make mature decisions on his own about these issues. His brain doesn’t think the right thoughts. It just can’t. Your teen needs your brain to help him.
This information may come as a relief to you. You may think, So my kid thinks strange thoughts because his brain is just that way. Now my world makes sense. This knowledge helps you feel not so crazy, guilty, or confused. It’s good to know that in time, when your teen’s brain has completely developed, his more mature thought processes will fall into place. The end result gives you hope to endure the present.
But if this information causes you to feel discouraged and think, I’ll just grit my teeth and wait it out, as there’s nothing I can do to change brain cell development, please hear me out. It’s actually not true that you can’t do anything. You can do some things to affect the development of your adolescent’s brain.
Research has validated the “use it or lose it” principle. Areas of the brain that are stimulated and challenged tend to grow and develop more. Those that are neglected will be less developed. So the more you expose your teen to healthy and helpful people and experiences, the more his brain will develop. It’s also true that the more you allow your teen to chill out and watch television, avoiding healthier activities, the less his brain will develop.
Research has also found that environment, including the all-important area of human interaction, affects the brain. So provide your teen with as many experiences involving love, grace, safety, structure, and correction as you can. The mind and the body are deeply and intricately connected. The involved parent can truly make a positive difference.