What comes to mind when you hear the word culture? Art museums? Symphony concerts? Ballet? Theater? Literature? These all represent wonderful, life-enriching experiences. Now, what comes to mind when you hear the phrase “teens and culture”? It’s probably not anything like your first list, is it? Many parents often think of drugs and alcohol, violence, unplanned pregnancies and abortions, and a host of other nightmares. They spend energy worrying about how to protect their kids from the influences of today’s culture. Some parents feel helpless, thinking they can do nothing about the popular culture.
Know this: your teen will interact with her culture, now or later. Far better for her if you help empower her to deal safely with cultural influences while she is still with you rather than later, when she is on her own. You can help her become a person who will one day have a positive effect on the culture. But to do this, you need to know what the culture is saying to your teen.
Culture, briefly defined, is a set of behaviors and attitudes that a society exhibits. Media, entertainment, and advertising sources not only reflect culture; they also influence it with the powerful, and often negative, messages they send. Television, radio, video games, and the Internet give teens easy access to cavalier messages about casual sex, substance abuse, aggressive behavior, dishonesty, and much worse.
As the buying power of teens has increased, companies have begun spending a lot of money and research in order to create messages that will influence teens to want a particular product. Teen models, actors, entertainers, and shows have become more and more the norm. In fact, some researchers believe that teens now define the culture.
In the past, when most teens did not have much money, culture reflected the values, tastes, and interests of grown-ups. The message to teens was — more or less — grow up and the world will be yours. The message of the culture seems to be changing to the world is yours today, and grown-ups are on the outside.
Another message the culture is sending to teens is that there aren’t any absolutes. Right and wrong are matters of preference, and truth is whatever you think it might be. This muddies the waters of people who are trying to find God, meaning, and values in a way that is consistent with reality.
No question about it, the culture can be dangerous to your teen. She is being bombarded with information, images, and messages that are tailored for her age group, maturity, and mentality. She needs you to help her navigate through all the messages coming her way.
Don’t panic. Many kids are, right now, making it through these cultural waters just fine and becoming the adults they were designed to be. This is a time for you to take wise and deliberate action so that you can help your teen keep cultural influences in the right perspective so that they become a source of great growth and creativity.
Here are some tips on how to do just that.
Be Informed
Be involved and know what messages your teen is receiving. Pay attention to respectable news articles about current cultural trends. Ask your youth pastor what is going on in your local setting. Meet with school administrators and get their perspectives. I once went to a school meeting in which the local police showed photos of recent teen drug parties with the faces blocked out. The parents were told, “These kids are from your school. You may recognize your child here.” It was a true cultural wake up call.
Keep your head out of the sand. Know what messages television and music are sending to your teen. Monitor the movies and shows he watches and the websites he visits. The more you know about the media your teen interacts with, the more you can be proactive and helpful. The parent who doesn’t want to see these things is abandoning his teen to deal with them without a guide.
Listen to Your Teen
Teens know a wealth of information about the culture. They can’t stop talking about it. So ask your teen what is going on at her school, at the movies, and at the mall. Remember, this world is becoming more important to her than her family world; she wants to engage in whatever her friends engage in. Listen to find out what those things are. Be sure to listen without moralizing; don’t overuse comments such as, “That’s wrong.” You’ll get a lot more information from your teen if you simply listen.
Lois, a friend who has kids a little older than ours, gave my wife and me a great parenting tip not long ago. She advised Barbi to use the car pool time going to and from school, sports, or social events to find out what was going on with our sons. “If you don’t talk when you’re driving,” Lois said, “in a few minutes they forget you are there, and you can find out all sorts of stuff you really need to know!” We have gleaned a lot of helpful information from Lois’s suggestion, including which kids had parents who were gone a lot so they could drink at home and which kids were cheating on tests and how.
Be Connected
Talk with your teen about the messages he’s exposed to in the culture and through his peers. Bring up drugs, sex, violence, and ethics at the dinner table. He will likely resist, but keep in mind that he is confused and trying to sort this out. Your teen needs you to be explicit, clear, and direct about your views on these matters.
You don’t have to know the language to talk about these issues. Just talk using matter-of-fact language: “Hillary, I want to talk with you about sex, what it means, and what I think are the limits for you.”
Be Protective
You are the adult. It’s your home, and your teen is your charge. Don’t be afraid to take steps to manage the flow of information. Get rid of certain channels on your cable television or lock them away from access. Install computer software that restricts sexual, violent, and otherwise negative content on the Internet. Go over the lyrics of the songs your teen buys and set standards regarding their content. Don’t let your teen hang out with kids who you feel may bring her harm. Remember, teens don’t have the judgment and wisdom that parents possess, so she needs you to protect her.
Know Your Teen
Some kids are more vulnerable to cultural pressures than others. Is your teen one of them? While broad-based standards are good, you will need to tailor them to your kid’s particular frailties.
For example, let’s say your daughter is susceptible to the values of her peer group, and you notice that many of her friends often wear inappropriate clothing. If you know your daughter is vulnerable in this area, you can work with her so that she doesn’t drop her standards in order to fit in.
If you know your son is vulnerable to experimenting with drugs, you can give him more time and attention and provide him with structure and protection. He needs your strength to bolster his weak areas until they become more developed.
How can you get to know your teen? By daily observing how she responds to what life throws at her. You may even want to write down your observations about how she handles school, stress, corrections, friendships, responsibilities, failure, and success. Become a student of your teen.
Don’t React
At the same time, don’t have a knee-jerk “all culture is bad” reaction either, because it simply isn’t. Much is going on in music, science, the arts, education, and technology that is healthy and good for your teen. Keep in mind that Martin Luther wrote his hymns with the music of the popular bar songs of his day, and today many churches are using modern music, entertainment, and sports to bring spiritual messages to teens.
So be careful not to throw out the good with the bad. For example, while it’s true that the Internet has a lot of websites that are harmful, it can also be used to your teen’s advantage when it comes to doing research. Help your teen understand how to use the Internet in healthy and helpful ways. She needs to develop, in relationship with you, the tools and capabilities she will need in order to stay unharmed by the World Wide Web, and to be able to use it to find her path as an adult.
Appreciate the Good, Resist the Bad
So refrain from taking an anticulture stance with your teen. Instead, teach her to have a balanced perspective of the culture, one that appreciates the good and resists the destructive. As you discuss with your teen your own positive and negative reactions to culture and listen to hers, you can guide her toward that balance.