Dig beneath Your Teen’s Problem

It’s not working,” said Brett. “Trent’s grades are still bad, even after we took away the car and grounded him. It’s been a month, and he’s still tanking.”

Brett and his wife, Teri, looked frustrated and defeated. Their son, a bright high school student, was no longer performing well at school. They had thought some restrictions would turn him around, but they had not, and they wanted to know what I thought. I told them that I didn’t know what was going on either.

The consequences seemed reasonable to me, and a sufficient amount of time had passed for them to begin taking effect, so I said, “Can I talk to him myself?” Up to that point, I had been counseling with them for marital issues. But as things improved in the marriage, Brett and Teri wanted to talk about parenting matters.

They agreed, so I met with Trent later that week. When he walked into my office, I was struck by how sad and quiet he seemed. This wasn’t the rebellious and defiant kid I had heard about.

As I interviewed Trent, I understood why the consequences hadn’t taken hold. He was disconnected from his parents, but not in a healthy and normal way. He was disconnected because he thought neither of them knew or cared about what he felt.

“I can’t talk to them,” he said. “I’m having problems with my girlfriend, I’m afraid I’m not smart enough for advanced classes, and I’m giving up. But my parents just want me to try harder. They can take away the car and ground me. They can take away everything. I don’t care if they don’t care.”

When I met with Brett and Teri later, I told them, “We need to stop thinking this is a simple underachievement problem, solved by an adequate consequence. Trent is really alienated from you, and he will never come around till we start figuring out how you can reconnect with him.”

Fortunately, Brent and Teri were able to make the changes they needed. They sat down and asked Trent how he was doing. They learned to listen to him without preaching. They empathized with his struggles. They provided support and love. And Trent responded because he began to understand that they were on his team, and his academic performance improved. Trent had regained what he needed: his parents.

Do the Spade Work

Brett and Teri are not unusual. Parents often jump into a boundary-setting approach too quickly. Sometimes they are so fed up and have felt so helpless with some attitude or behavior that when they see a strategy or approach that might work, they implement it immediately. At least I’m doing something instead of nothing, they think. In fact, many parents will skip this section of the book and go to the next one, which targets specific issues. So if you are reading this, good for you! It can help you prevent a lot of problems.

No one can blame a parent for wanting to get some relief and resolution on a teen problem. And if there is a crisis or emergency, such as drug or violence problems, then they don’t have time to do anything else for the time being.

But as a parent, you need to realize that teen problems have a context. Most of the time, they don’t occur out of the blue. Your teen is underachieving, being disrespectful, or acting out for a reason. He needs for you to sift and dig below the surface to make sure that whatever is done will help him solve the issue and mature into the person God intended him to be. Be a parent who says, “Ready, aim, fire,” instead of “Fire, fire, fire.”

With that in mind, let’s consider some of the issues that could be working below the surface of your teen’s problems.

Detachment, Hurt, or Discouragement

Problems caused by irresponsibility, immaturity, defiance, self-centeredness, and impulsiveness can often be effectively addressed by enforcing consequences. However, as Trent’s situation illustrates, the problem might be caused by other concerns, such as emotional detachment, hurt, or discouragement. No amount of boundary setting will work with someone whose heart is downcast. When you beat an exhausted horse to make him run faster, the only thing the beating increases is the horse’s discouragement. The same thing happens when you set limits on a discouraged teen.

A detached, hurt, or discouraged teen needs to be lifted up and given grace. She needs drawing out, listening, and acceptance: “Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way.”²⁰ All you may need to do to resolve the problem is connect with your teen’s heart. She needs for you to tell her something like this: “I haven’t really been listening to you because I’ve been trying to stop your bad grades. I’m sorry. It seems you might just be unhappy or struggling in some other areas, and I want to know about that. Can we talk?”

This is not an all-or-nothing consideration, however. A problem can have more than one cause. Suppose a teen has an anger problem, for example, and blows up over minor matters. It may be that she is self-centered and impatient, as well as discouraged with life. If that’s the case, she needs love and support for her discouragement, and structure and consequences for her self-centeredness and impatience.

Teens, like everyone, are complex beings. Get to know your teen and who she is, so that you can figure out what is driving her problem.

Medical or Emotional Conditions

Also check out any clinical problem that might be affecting your teen’s behavior. Thyroid problems, fevers, epilepsy, attention deficit disorder (ADD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, and anxiety can all be factors in conduct and attitude problems.

I once knew a family whose daughter refused to go to school. She wouldn’t talk about why. She just stopped going. At first her parents thought she was being defiant, so they started giving her consequences. But when they took her to an adolescent therapist, they learned that she was struggling with an anxiety disorder that rendered her paralyzed from dealing with the social and academic pressures of school. With the proper counseling and the support of her parents, this teen was soon back in school and doing well.

Here are some guidelines that can help you determine when you need to seek further help:

1.	Make sure your teen has had a physical exam in the last year. Even if your teen seems healthy, don’t rule out a possible physical cause until he has seen a doctor.
2.	If the problem doesn’t get better over time with what you are doing to help, seek a professional.
3.	If a problem is severe and disruptive to life, health, school, or family, seek a professional.
4.	If you know and respect some parents who have found professional help to benefit them in a similar situation, consider doing the same.

A Lack of Internal Structure

Sometimes a teen’s specific behaviors are more about where she is as a person. Her conduct may indicate a lack of internal structure. By “internal structure,” I am referring to the ability to be organized, focused, self-controlled, and responsible.

For example, if your teen is a slave to her impulses or if she has never been disciplined, she may have several simultaneous and troubling behaviors: academic, social, attitude, and task problems. Not only will you need to attend to these specific concerns, you will also need to deal with her lack of structure. Perhaps she needs your help in learning delayed gratification, patience, self-control, respect for authority, or ways to restrain her impulses. Talk to her about the benefits of becoming patient and self-controlled. At the same time, show her how some of her problems are due to her lack of structure. Tell her, “I want to help you learn to have more self-control and responsibility, and we will do this together.” Basically, that is what most of this book is about.

As you work with both the behavior and the underlying structural problems, you are helping your teen develop the internal resources she needs in order to change her behavior. Let me show you how this works. Suppose you have a teen who has outbursts of anger. You might say, “Respectful anger is okay, but yelling and disrespect aren’t. So I’ll help you know when you are over the line, and when you are, you will be grounded for the weekend. I want you to know how your behavior affects other people, and I want you to be able to control yourself when you are frustrated.” Not only are you telling your teen what kind of anger is not acceptable, you are also giving her an opportunity to experience restraint and self-control so that she may in time develop the internal structure she needs to be able to do this on her own, without your external motivation.

Home Environment Problems

Ongoing family problems affect teens in profound ways. Their development is often dependent on being in an environment that fosters love, safety, and structure.

Major strife in a home, such as marital problems or divorce, affects the teen. He may act out as a way to send a message that he feels but cannot put his feelings into words. Structural problems in the family also cause teen issues. The fabric of the home may be damaged. For instance, a home may have an emotionally cold or detached atmosphere, rules and limits that are too harsh or unloving, or chaos and a lack of organization.

Sometimes an adolescent will react to these environment problems with negative attitudes or bad behaviors. This raises the question: Whose problem is this, the family’s or the teen’s? The answer, of course, is both. The family must deal with its contribution to the problems, which can then help the teen take responsibility for his own responses.

Remember, your teen’s troublesome behavior did not occur in a vacuum. It may be caused by an underlying issue that will not be solved by boundaries. Other solutions may be required, such as empathy, support, or more information.