Use the Four Anchors of Boundary Setting

I don’t know if this boundary stuff really works for me,” Jill told me. She was having problems with her fourteen-year-old daughter. Holly was skipping classes at school and had been caught drinking. Things were definitely headed in the wrong direction, and Jill wanted to act before it was too late.

At the advice of a friend, Jill had read Boundaries, the book I wrote with Dr. Henry Cloud, and she had quickly realized she had few boundaries in her life, her marriage, and her parenting. But when she tried to implement some boundaries in her life, things hadn’t gone well.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Well, I sat down with Holly a few days ago, and I told her, ‘Things are going to have to change around here. I’m going to set some boundaries with you. This is for your own good. You need to stop the ditching and drinking.’ ”

“What happened then?”

“She got mad at me. She yelled at me. Then she left the room. The next weekend she was drinking again. I guess the next step is to send her somewhere, to some adolescent rehab center — ”

“Slow down, Jill. That may be in the cards, but you’re ahead of yourself. I don’t think you’ve given Holly or yourself a real go in setting boundaries. Things are bad with her, and you do need to do something. But boundaries aren’t about just giving someone their marching orders and then expecting them to salute. Especially teens.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I want you to do some things this week, things that need to be included whenever we set limits and establish boundaries. Try these, and let’s talk next week.”

Jill had thought that simply being direct and honest was all that was needed to set boundaries. But it isn’t. There are other necessary elements. I explained to Jill the following information.

Every boundary-setting conversation or situation must make use of four anchoring principles. As anchors stabilize ships, these four principles can provide stability, focus, and clarity to parents who want to establish healthy and appropriate boundaries with their teen. When applied to boundary setting, these principles help parents optimize the chances for success with the teen.

As you read over these principles, remember that they apply not only to what you say, but also to what you do.

Anchor #1

Love: I Am on Your Side

Always begin with love. To the best of your ability, convey to your teen that you care about her welfare and have her best interests at heart.

Boundaries separate people, at least at first. Because of this, setting boundaries often causes conflict. Teens get mad and feel persecuted. They resist boundaries, because boundaries seem harsh and uncaring.

Love will help your teen hear what you are saying, accept the boundaries, and tolerate the consequences. This is true for all of us. When we hear hard truths from someone who cares about us, we need to know that the person is on our side. Otherwise, we are liable to feel hated, bad, worthless, unloved, offended, or victimized. Those feelings don’t lead to a happy ending.

To demonstrate love to your teen, tell her something like this: “I am on your side. I am not doing this because I’m mad, or want to punish you, or don’t care about you. I am doing this because I want your best.” You may not be feeling especially close to your teen when you set a limit, but love is greater than momentary feelings. Love is a stance, an attitude to take: you are on your teen’s side and for her good.

Love also helps the teen begin to see that her behavior is the problem, not an out-of-control and angry parent. When you don’t include love, your teen is apt to think her biggest issue is getting away from you, the upset or angry adult. Love helps the teen point to herself as the problem.

When Jill, whom you met at the beginning of the chapter, realized that all her daughter saw was an angry mom, she spent some time reflecting and talking to others about what she loved about her daughter and how deeply she wanted Holly’s life to be better. The next time they talked, Jill told Holly, “I want to go over the things I’m concerned about and solve some problems. But before I go any further, I want you to know that I really do love you, and I don’t want bad things for you. I want a good life for you, and that’s why I want to help you with these problems.”

Holly was a little hesitant because of past interactions with her mom, but she listened without getting angry or withdrawing from the rest of what Jill had to say.

Anchor #2

Truth: I Have Some Rules and Requirements

Love opens the door to change but is not enough. Truth provides guidance, wisdom, information, and correction. Truth exists in the form of rules, requirements, and expectations for your teen. They are the dos and don’ts that spell out what your teen needs to do and what he needs to avoid.

Why is this important? Because your teen needs to know what the line is, so that he can choose whether or not to cross it. If there is no line, you won’t be able to blame your teen for crossing it. Sometimes a boundary doesn’t work because the parent didn’t clearly define the boundary.

By the way, if you feel weird or mean about having rules and expectations for your teens, you should see that feeling as a problem! It is not cruel and unloving for parents to have requirements for their teen’s behavior and attitude. Teens who have reasonable expectations for their behavior tend to do better in life, because boundaries are part of life. Adults can’t show up for work late, nor should they yell at their spouse when they’ve had a bad day. As long as the rules are appropriate for the situation, when you bring them into the relationship, you are helping your child see that structure and responsibility are normal and expected in life.

Make your rules and requirements specific and understandable. Your teen needs to know clearly what is acceptable and what is not. As a rule of thumb, the more immature your teen, the more specific you must be. For example, it’s easy to get bugged at a teen who doesn’t pick up his plate and silverware after a meal, rinse them off, and put them in the dishwasher. But often, parents just get mad instead of sitting down and explaining what they expect their teen to do, as well as what will happen if it doesn’t get done.

Don’t get mad. Get clear. Let your adolescent know what is expected and required in behavior and attitude. Write down your rules and regulations and post them on the refrigerator. Otherwise, when he feels you are being unfair in your discipline, he may be right. As Paul noted, “Where there is no law there is no transgression.”²¹

For example, Jill told Holly: “I need to be clear about this, because I don’t think I have been clear in the past, or I haven’t been very loving about it. But I want there to be no misunderstanding. I will not tolerate your ditching school and your drinking. It is definitely not okay in our house. Whether or not you agree with that, it is the rule in this home.”

Holly didn’t like that, but it did help her get the message: there were now lines to be respected — or to be crossed.

Anchor #3

Freedom: You Can Choose to Respect or Reject the Rules

Most parents don’t have a problem with love and truth. They make sense on an intuitive level. But they often choke on this one. Are you kidding? Give my kid freedom? I already have enough chaos in my home. Why don’t I just add some kerosene to the fire here?

No one would blame you for asking that question. Your teen has probably exercised freedom to make some poor choices, and you haven’t seen much good come from that. But freedom is absolutely necessary, for a couple of reasons:

You can’t really make your teen choose the right thing. It can be scary to realize this, but realize it you must. There is a lot you can’t control in your teen. You aren’t present for much of her life, so you can’t control what she does in school and with her friends. Nor can you really control what she does at home, if you think about it.

I recently fell into a power struggle with one of my sons. The conversation went like this:

“Okay, time to clean up your room.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Well, you have to.”

“But what if I don’t?”

“Well, you just have to.”

“But you can’t make me.”

“Well . . . ummm . . .”

At this point, I regained my sanity and moved onto a better path.

“Yep, you’re right. I can’t make you. But you won’t be skateboarding with your friends who are coming over until your room is clean.” He grumblingly did the job.

Whenever you find yourself in the “you have to” and “I’ll make you” trap, get out of it. Remember that there aren’t many things we can literally force our teens to do.

Freedom to choose poorly is necessary to learn to choose well. Even if you could “make” your teen do the right thing, it wouldn’t help him develop into a mature, loving, responsible person. That is not how God designed the growth process. He orchestrated things so that we must be free to choose good or bad, to choose him or reject him. That is the only way we can learn from our mistakes, and the only way we can truly love each other from the heart.

You don’t want to be a robot, forced to do only right. Nor do you want that for your teen, though sometimes it is tempting. So affirm and validate the freedom he already has.

Of course, freedom has a limit. If a problem is life-threatening or dangerous, you certainly should intervene. Intervention in the form of involuntary hospitalizations, arrests, or residential treatment programs sometimes has to happen in extreme cases. You want your child alive to be able to grow. But as much as possible, affirm and protect your teen’s freedom.

Jill told Holly, “I can’t stop you from skipping class. I don’t want to control you. I would rather you choose the right things. So unless things get dangerous, you are free to follow these house rules or not to. But [as we will deal with in the next section] remember, Holly, you may be choosing in a way that causes me to severely restrict many of your privileges. Skipping class is not okay. I can’t follow you from class to class, but your freedoms here will be very, very limited if you continue this.”

Holly liked that, of course. She knew she had the choice. She had been exercising it often. But Jill wisely wasn’t confusing the issue with a power struggle that she would certainly lose.

Anchor #4

Reality: Here Is What Will Happen

If the only anchors were love, truth, and freedom, they would not be enough. Children raised with only these three principles can easily become out of control. A fourth anchor, reality, adds the necessary balance.

What is reality? Simply put, reality defines what is or what exists. For our purposes, however, I am using the word to describe what exists for the teen in the form of consequences. That is, if she chooses to utilize her freedom to reject the rules and cross the line, she will experience consequences.

Teens need consequences, because that’s how they experience a fundamental law of life: good behavior brings good results and bad behavior brings uncomfortable results. In Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and I call this the law of sowing and reaping, and it is based on a biblical concept: “Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow!”²² Sowing hard work at school should reap good grades and privileges. Sowing laziness should reap poor grades and loss of freedoms.

Depending on the situation, your teen may need to experience something small, such as having to do extra chores at home. Or the consequence may need to be a big deal, such as grounding for a long time with few privileges. But the idea is the same: consequences teach us how to be responsible.

In chapter 19, “Consequences 101,” we’ll look at how to establish appropriate consequences, but for now, it’s enough to say that consequences should be both said and done. Your teen needs to know what will happen on the other side of the line. She also needs to experience what is on the other side of the line.

Jill presented reality to Holly this way: “Yes, you are free to disobey our house rules. But from now on, the next time you skip a class, I will cooperate fully with the school in whatever detention they establish. On top of that, I will ground you from going out with your friends for a week per class missed. As for drinking, the next time I find that you have been doing that, I will remove all phone, computer, and television privileges for a month. If it happens again, the consequence will be worse.”

Don’t start trying to decide if that is too severe or too lax; we will deal with that later. For now, remember that consequences must exist, and you must follow through with them. If you state consequences without enforcing them, you will train your teen to ignore you, because your bark has no bite.

Following through was a stretch for Jill. She felt mean and didn’t like Holly’s anger. Holly did cross the line in both categories, but Jill held the line. When Holly crossed the line several more times, Jill held the line each time and followed through with the stated consequences. In the end, Jill was able to keep Holly at home, and both are doing well.

The next time you decide you need to have a boundary-setting conversation, be sure you tell your teen:

1.	“I love you and am on your side.”
2.	“I have some rules and requirements for your behavior.”
3.	“You can choose to respect or reject these rules.”
4.	“Here is what will happen if you reject these rules.”

When you use these four anchors, you are providing the stability, clarity, and motivation your teen needs to begin to learn self-control and responsibility.