The phrase “argumentative teen” seems redundant. Adolescents often have the verbal ability of an adult, and they also have the energy to push an issue to infinite lengths.
Sometimes they argue to be provocative and get a reaction from you. More often, they argue as a way of resisting a limit you have imposed. They will give many, many reasons why you’re wrong about your position on a curfew, a behavior problem, or a school problem. Sometimes their reasons even contradict each other, as in the following example:
| Teen: | “No other parents are making their daughters dress like this for the dance.” | |
| Parent: | “Well, I think appropriate clothing is important. I’m sorry you feel like you’re the only one who is being singled out.” | |
| Teen: | “Well, I am.” | |
| Parent: | “I’ve talked to several other parents who feel the same way we do about how girls are dressing. I’ve found there are lots of us.” | |
| Teen: | “Well, why do you guys have to do what everybody else does?” | |
Welcome to the teen argument. Just remember that for them, the goal isn’t the truth; it’s freedom.
Even so, as the parent you need to listen to your teen’s point of view. Kids need their parents to hear what they have to say; and besides, you could be wrong.
Just today I changed my mind because of a kid’s feedback. One of my sons wanted to go to the park to hang out with his friends for an hour, and I had some chores for him to do afterward. For some unthinking reason, I gave him a hard time about coming home on time, saying, “Remember, you’re going to have a consequence if you’re back late.”
“Whoa,” he said. “Why are you getting all over me? I’m pretty good about that.”
He was right; he was seldom late. “Sorry about that,” I said.
So listen and understand. But at the same time, be the parent. You have the final say.
Defining the Problem
Home is where adolescents forge their ability to question, think for themselves, and take responsibility for their lives, and healthy arguing is a part of that process. Arguing can help them develop an increased sense of ownership over their lives.
If your teen is sincerely open about a matter and isn’t challenging you simply to get her way, don’t shut her down. Instead, encourage her. For example, if she questions your prohibition on underage drinking, say, “Are you willing to see my side of it if I will see your side?” Help her see that the issue is about truth, health, maturity, and morality rather than what she wants.
But if you notice that arguments are a constant, that your teen argues about every issue and problem, and that she is relentless, then you may need to address the argumentativeness itself as a problem.
Handling the Problem
Bring the problem into the relationship. Have a talk, not about the topic your teen is arguing about, but about the argumentativeness. Help him be aware that it exists, and let him know how it affects people by telling him something like this: “You seem to argue with me over lots and lots of things, and it doesn’t seem to ever get better. I think I am trying to see your point of view, and if I’m not, tell me. But I don’t see that you are seeing my point of view, and that doesn’t work for me. I want you to be aware of this and not have to win every disagreement we have. I want you to have freedom, but when you are so disagreeable, it tells me that you might not be ready for it yet.”
In addition to talking about the argumentativeness, it sometimes helps when parents detach from the fight and observe the pattern of their teen’s behavior. For example, let’s say you’re having a battle over the car. Your teen demands to use it to go out, but you drive the car to work. He won’t take no for an answer and gets louder and angrier.
At that point, stop using reason and logic. Wait until your teen draws a breath, then say, “This is what I was talking about. Do you see it?”
“I don’t see anything but how selfish you are!”
“I know, but look at what’s going on. This happens all the time. I want you to be aware of how you get so argumentative and angry, whether the argument is about a big deal or a little deal.”
“Well, if you wouldn’t — ”
“I’m not talking about that. I hope you are listening, because I’m going to keep bringing this up so that you can see that arguing is a pattern for you. I want you to start learning to discuss differences without getting so angry, and I’m going to insist on this.”
Such observations help your teen become more and more aware, though he may initially refuse to see that he can’t disagree without fighting. Awareness of a problem is the first step toward change.
Be patient, but set a limit. Though you want to hear your teen out, when you realize that the issue isn’t about right and wrong, fair and unfair, but about trying to get you to change your mind, put a limit on how far the conversation goes. Parents who don’t do this are training teens to think that people will give them all the time in the world to wear them down. Not good preparation for becoming a successful adult.
So be patient and hear your teen out, but set a limit. At some point, you may need to say something like this: “Luci, I think I understand your thinking about your dress. You think that all of my suggestions for something more modest are going to be embarrassing ones for you. And you think that the dress I don’t want is fine and that I am overreacting. The negotiation and compromise haven’t worked this time. So I will have to say no.”
If Luci continues with another reason, you may want to say, “I think I’ve heard all the reasons and thoughts you have. So I’m ending this conversation now. Maybe we can return to it later, but for now, I want to talk about something else.”
“But you’re being so unfair!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m going to make a sandwich; want one?”
“You are so mean!”
“I’m thinking you’re becoming disrespectful now. So I’m going to leave your room and give you a little time for yourself. If you continue this conversation at this point, there will be a consequence.”
Remember, it’s not your job to get your teen to agree or to be happy with you. Your job is to love her and help her live within the parameters of reasonable realities. All of us, teens included, have to submit to authority at times, whether it be a boss, a highway patrolman, or the IRS. So when you’ve been patient and understanding for a reasonable length of time, and your teen still keeps arguing, assert your authority and say, “I love you, but this conversation is over for now.”
Still, the authority card is not one you want to play often. If you find yourself needing to do so, then your teen might have a respect problem. If so, you might want to show her more love and consistency so that your words are heeded more.
Establish and enforce the consequence. Suppose, however, you have done all the above, and your teen insists on arguing to the point of distraction. It may be time to set a limit.
You might approach it this way: “I want to know how you feel when you think I’m wrong about a limit, and I will listen to what you say. But right now it seems you simply want to talk me out of a lot of decisions I am making. So I will listen to you, to a point, and I will give you my reasons for my decision, to a point. But if you insist on arguing with me after we’ve done that a few times, I will double whatever limit we are discussing. So if you are arguing about having to come home an hour earlier than you would like, you will have to come in two hours earlier. I really want you to get hold of your behavior.”
As always, be sure to follow through. Argumentative teens almost always need to experience consequences, as they are often used to a parent who gives in and gives up. So talk with your teen, set the limit, and then keep it.
You Can Do It!
Keep the future in mind. You want your teen to become an adult who can challenge and confront others. But you also want him to know when it’s time to fold his cards and accept the way things are. That is the way of wisdom.