There’s nothing wrong with my blouse.”
“Get off my back; the words on my T-shirt are my business.”
“Everybody wears their jeans like this.”
“You can’t tell me what to wear.”
Defining the Problem
Clothes, which are very important to teens, can be the cause of major arguments between parents and their kids. While on the surface this may seem a minor problem, clothes do matter because of what those clothes may be saying about the wearer.
Inappropriate clothing for adolescents includes clothes that are too revealing and sexual; clothes that contain advertisements for negative influences, such as drugs, sex, violence, and death; or clothes that reflect alliances with unhealthy cultures, such as gangs.
Handling the Problem
Here are some ways to deal with teen clothing issues.
Allow for individual style. Clothing plays an important role in the development of your teen. An adolescent is becoming a person in her own right and is working on differentiating from her parents. She needs space and a way to do this in a safe manner, and clothing style is one of the ways teens can indicate they are not like their parents, and are identifying with peers, as they prepare to form their own values, feelings, and attitudes. An adolescent’s clothing reflects her inner differences with the parent.
In most cases, when teens feel more established in their identity, their clothing becomes less extreme. This is a sign that they have individuated and feel more secure and solid internally. They may even identify somewhat with things they like about their parents, because they no longer need to distinguish themselves. They may even wear dresses and slacks sometimes!
So don’t react negatively to your teen’s choice of attire, as you will then set up a power struggle that can make this period worse than it has to be. In addition, keep some perspective about this issue. Some of the most troubled kids I have worked with dressed very conservatively. On the other hand, I know some great kids who dress weird, but are doing well in relationships, family, and growth. How your teen is doing in these areas likely matters more than what clothes he wears.
Realize that clothes have meaning. Don’t make the mistake of trying to get a kid to dress better without understanding her insides. Jesus told the hypocritically religious Pharisees that they were focusing on the externals to the neglect of the more important internals: “Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”26
Clothing styles, especially unacceptable ones, have meaning. They can tell you a great deal about your teen’s inner world: what is important to her, how she feels about herself, and what she thinks about her relationships. For example:
 | Inappropriate styles may indicate a need for peer approval. |
| | Sexualized styles can be a sign that a girl depends more on her body than her character to attract boys. |
| | Dark themes, such as death, drugs, and violence, can indicate internal alienation, rage, or rebellion. |
| | Culturally based clothing, such as gang styles, may manifest inappropriate values. |
If you can understand what your teen’s clothes may be conveying, you can help her at a significant level, and you will likely see some positive changes in her style of clothing.
Character generally comes out in themes, so you should notice your teen’s behavior patterns reflected in what she wears. This will help you to talk about what is going on underneath the clothes. For example, if you see alienation, say, “It’s not just that you wear all black every day; it’s that it seems you’ve withdrawn from people who care about you. I need for us to talk, because I don’t know how you are doing inside.” If you see sexual themes, say, “I know you want to be attractive to boys. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it seems to me that you are willing to be what you think boys want you to be, and that may not be who you really are. Can we talk about that?” Stay with themes and don’t leave it with the clothes.
So be wise, and look at your teen’s clothing in the context of her character and what you know about her.
Don’t moralize or overidentify. Most parents have two opposite reactions to teen clothing issues, and neither of them works. The first reaction is to interpret differences as scary and destructive. This can be a mistake, as these parents are moralizing a preference. Remember, if you don’t like a particular style of clothing, the clothes aren’t necessarily morally reprehensible. Clothing styles are usually a matter of preference, not morality.
The other reaction is overidentification. Parents overidentify when, in an attempt to connect, they adopt the dress of the adolescent. However, this often backfires. While the intent may be good, this overidentification forces the teen to differentiate even further, in the service of individuating from the parent. So a dad who wants to look like a punker for his kid will often find that the kid will then try to find an extreme style that will help him to be different from his dad.
Kids need a generation gap so they can figure out who they are. You can learn to connect without looking like a teen. Be a grown-up. Your teen needs to be around an adult.
Deal with the inappropriate. However, having said all that, you still should confront your adolescent’s inappropriate attire. You want your teen to be responsible for what he wears and how it affects others.
Begin by working out an agreement of definitions of inappropriateness, such as:
| | clothing that draws too much attention to the body and distracts from the face and character; |
| | words and graphics that convey dark themes; |
| | styles that are so bizarre that they interfere with school and relationships; and |
| | clothes that say something about the teen that isn’t who the teen really is. |
Get lots of input from your teen here so that he is involved and has choices. The more he buys into the definitions, the less he will argue later.
Give your teen as much freedom as possible in this area. Whatever does not cross the established lines is okay. If your teen disagrees with the lines, and you have tried to involve him and be reasonable, say, “Until you can work with me on this, these are the standards and requirements. I want you to have as much latitude as is reasonable, but for now, these are the clothing rules.”
If your kid continues to cross the established lines regarding dress, you should impose a consequence and say something like this: “If you insist on dressing these ways, you will lose whatever social setting you want to wear them in.” That means the people she is dressing for won’t see the clothing. This consequence helps take some motivation out of the improper dress.
Refrain from getting into power struggles. If your teen is leaving for school dressed inappropriately, ask her only once to change the clothes. Don’t try to force her to do so if she refuses. If she refuses, remind her of the consequence and let her choice determine her social future.
You Can Do It!
Save your energy for more important issues than clothes. But be aware of what clothing says about your teen’s heart and feelings. They are a window to your child’s inner self.