It’s Friday night, and your teenage son is having some chill time with his buddies at a friend’s home. They are listening to music, playing video games, watching television, eating, and joking around. After a hard week at school, your son is really kicking back.
He glances at his watch and realizes he has about five minutes to leave in order to get home on time. But right then, one of his friends tells him it’s his turn to compete in the video competition, and he is pretty good at this particular game.
Your son doesn’t think, I am choosing to get home late. Adolescents don’t think like that. He thinks, I can do this game pretty fast. But of course, reality wins over his wishful thinking, and he misses his curfew.
Defining the Problem
Curfew problems are underrated. Most parents miss the real value of setting good curfew limits and boundaries. Adolescents need to learn how to disengage from what they love in order to meet their responsibilities. That is such a helpful skill in adult life.
Imagine the career future of a young adult who can leave some conversation or project, budget enough time to get to the next meeting, and arrive on time and ready. This is the stuff that CEOs are built of.
And curfews can help teens in the world of relationships too. A person who is dependable, faithful, and focused is a person who attracts and takes care of good and healthy relationships. So don’t underestimate the power of curfew boundaries.
Handling the Problem
If you want to keep curfew problems to a minimum, here are some things you can do.
Make sure your curfew is reasonable. As your teen gets increasingly engaged in the world outside your sphere, she will most likely need a curfew. Having to be home by an established time will protect her time and life and help her learn responsibility. A curfew will also enable your family to keep some order.
Before your teen heads out for the evening, be clear about her curfew and the consequence for violating it. For instance, you might say, “Have a great time. I expect you home by 10:00 p.m. If you choose to be late, you won’t be able to go out the next time you want to hang out with your friends.”
Keep in mind the characteristics of a good curfew.
A good curfew allows enough time for relationship. The curfew needs to be late enough so that your teen has a few hours to do something meaningful with friends. If it is too strict and early, he can’t connect with his new world at a level where he can be attached. A teen’s relational cup needs time in order to get filled.
But if your teen is the last of her friends to go home, because all the other kids have earlier curfews, she is no longer in community. This defeats the purpose of relationship. Get with parents you think are sound, and if possible, agree on a time for all the kids.
A good curfew provides for safety. Make the curfew early enough to protect your teen from being in situations where he might be vulnerable. This, of course, depends on your kid’s age and maturity level. For example, a fourteen-year-old who hangs out at the mall should probably not be out in the parking lot after the mall closes. Also be aware of your local area’s curfew laws, especially concerning teens who are driving.
A good curfew allows for sufficient sleep time. Make sure the curfew takes into account how much sleep your teen needs. Take into consideration when she has to get up and what she has to do the next day. Protect her tomorrow for her.
A good curfew has the teen’s buy in. As much as possible, involve your teen in curfew setting. Curfews should change with the teen’s increasing age and maturity. Listen to his end of things, and use his input.
When kids miss their curfew, parents can worry because they don’t know if the kid is okay. How can you know when to stay up and when to go to bed?
Know when to wait up. This depends on the teen. If he has an on-time history and isn’t sneaky or deceptive, you are probably safe in going to bed. But if your teen has problems keeping curfew, or if he has sneaked in and out of the house, stay up. He needs more structure and presence from you until he is more aware and responsible in this area.
Whether you wait up or not, you’ll need to deal with the missed curfew.
Deal with violations. Here are some straightforward guidelines for what to do if your teen violates curfew.
Establish a consequence and follow through with it. Remember how consequences work; they are the addition of something the teen doesn’t want or the removal of something she does want. They are meant to affect your teen’s future more than they are meant to be preventative. So when teens violate their curfew, it makes sense to take away some social time.
But don’t just tell your teen the consequence. If she is late, follow through. You are helping her to create the ability to disengage from what she is doing in order to be responsible for a future obligation.
Differentiate between reasons and excuses. Sometimes parents have difficulty telling the difference between a valid reason and an excuse. It helps to think out these matters ahead of time, and with your teen. Though you won’t anticipate everything, you should have fewer arguments.
Here are some typical things kids say to justify why they missed curfew, along with my responses.
“I had an emergency!” Certainly medical emergencies and car problems are legitimate reasons for missing curfew. Just reserve the word emergency for the real thing. For example, running out of gas is not an emergency, because the teen could have prevented that from happening.
“My ride was late.” A reason the first time, but if your teen says this often, something else is going on. He may need to experience the consequence so that he will structure his friend’s time or get another ride.
“I lost track of time.” Always an excuse, never a reason. Being away from home is a privilege.
“The movie got out late.” An excuse, not a reason. Movie times are published. Your teen can plan for this issue before going out.
“But I called to tell you I would be late.” While it’s good that your teen was thoughtful enough to call, that doesn’t change the fact that she violated her curfew.
You Can Do It!
Unlike some of the other behavior problems, teens who violate curfew are motivated to change when the problem behavior results in their not being able to spend time with friends. In most cases, you will see positive changes if you establish reasonable limits and follow through on them, and you will help your teen learn to deal better with time and responsibility. So let your creaky floor stay creaky, and pay attention to when your kid comes home.