Detaching from the Family in Unhealthy Ways

I was talking with Maria, a neighbor of mine. When I asked how her daughter Kate was, Maria told me, “Well, okay, I guess. Actually, I don’t really know how she is. She comes home to sleep and eat. When you’re a filling station, you lose touch.”

Maria was trying to be funny, but I don’t think she felt the situation was funny. She really wasn’t sure anymore how her daughter was doing.

Like Maria, you may feel out of touch or disconnected from your teen, especially if your teen has begun driving. But is this a problem? After all, aren’t adolescents supposed to begin separating and detaching in order to get ready to leave home? Isn’t this to be expected? Maybe and maybe not.

Defining the Problem

If you feel disconnected from your teen, the problem may be yours rather than your teen’s. You’ll recall from chapter 12, “Separating from Parents,” that adolescents are in the process of getting ready to leave home. This is normal, healthy, and according to their design. They are gradually shifting their interests, attachments, and allegiances to sources and relationships outside their family so that they can successfully leave home as adults. They can’t be 100 percent connected both to their parents and to their friends, nor should they be.

So take an honest look at your feelings, and make sure you are not interpreting normal and healthy leaving as abandonment of or detachment from you. You love your teen and are attached to her, so it hurts when she begins moving away from you. You have spent many years of joy as well as craziness with her, and you are invested in what happens to her, so it’s not easy to let go of the relationship you used to have with your teen, but you must.

Let it go. Take responsibility for your feelings of sadness. Look to others, not your adolescent, to help you grieve, feel sad, mourn, and let go. Don’t make that your kid’s issue, as she has enough on her plate already. And begin to let your teen go as well. She needs your blessing and your support, as the world is a scary place when you haven’t been out in it.

However, even though separation itself is normal and healthy, not all adolescents leave home in healthy and normal ways. It could be that your teen does have a problem and isn’t separating from you in a healthy way. If you see the following in your teen, she is detaching from you in an unhealthy way.

Emotional withdrawal. If your teen is withdrawn, distant, or cold, consider that a problem. A teen needs a warm emotional home base from which to launch so that he can be supported in his risks. Though he is not around as much, your teen should still be connected and present with you. Perhaps your teen is having a conflict in the family. He may be angry or depressed or even have a substance problem. Start digging.

Persistent anti-family attitude. Teens certainly have to challenge family values and relationships. But not all the time. Your teen shouldn’t have a “friends are always okay, family is never okay” attitude. This generally signals unresolved issues at home.

If your teen is anti-family, confront her about it. Find out why she needs to keep you the bad guys. It may be that she feels it’s the only way to get out of your control. Teens who feel enmeshed and smothered by their parents will often act this way. They need their parents to give them space, choices, and appropriate freedoms to help resolve their anti-family attitude.

Too much investment in the outside world. Sometimes teens are detached from home because they have become too busy with friends, school, and activities. This problem has more to do with an inability to structure their lives than with alienation. But too much investment can still be a real problem, as the teen becomes so busy that he can’t get home for the support, connection, and stability he still needs. Such teens need help structuring their time better. They may not be mature enough to say “no” to attractive opportunities and need their parents’ help to do that.

If your teen is detaching in any of these unhealthy ways, don’t accept it as part of normal adolescence. It isn’t, and your teen needs your help to change.

Handling the Problem

Here are some guidelines for what you can do.

Talk to your teen about your feelings. Let her know that although you support her activities and new life, you feel that you aren’t connected anymore, and you want that to change. Let her know you miss her and want to be more caught up on her life, but this isn’t about making her feel guilty. It’s a heart-to-heart invitation that can help her move closer.

Ask about any negative feelings your teen may have toward you. Teens often shut down instead of saying they are angry at their parents, especially if the parents try to talk them out of their feelings. So go the second and third mile here. Ask your teen if he is upset, mad, or hurt about something you have done. Validate his feelings, and fix any problems you may have caused. This helps your teen deal with his negative emotions and feel safer about being closer to you.

Require respect. Teens sometimes emotionally dismiss their parents because the parents have not required the teen to respect them. When parents allow kids to become narcissistic and self-involved, the kids don’t have empathy or interest in the lives of others, especially their family.

If your teen is self-involved, confront her about it, as it is damaging to her future. Let her know that you require her to listen to and care about the family, even though she’s not around as much. If she does not make efforts, limit the time she spends with her friends until she gains respect for the family.

Schedule family time with your teen. In your kid’s preteen years, family time didn’t require a lot of planning. It just happened, as your child was more dependent on family. In contrast, parents of teens have to initiate some sort of structure just to stay connected with their kids.

For example, when I notice that I am not as in touch with my kids’ lives as I want to be, I make them take walks with me. We walk around the block a couple of times, just the two of us. When they ask, “What do I have to do when I walk?” I answer, “Just talk about whatever is going on with you.”

My kids sometimes resist at first, but after a few minutes, they will catch me up on their school activities, friends, and whatever they are doing. It works for us, for a couple of reasons. The activity, walking, doesn’t distract from connection, unlike activities such as sports or movies. Walking also gives the boys space so they don’t feel overwhelmed or smothered by me. They can be quiet, look around, and disengage a little until they feel ready to talk.

Schedule and hold on to family times. Keep them sacred.

You Can Do It!

Walk the tightrope between being emotionally available and yet letting your teen go. Your kid needs to know you are there.