Not long ago a parent told me, “I cannot believe the words he used with me when I told him he couldn’t go skateboarding! And that tone of voice, like he thinks I’m nothing!”
Another said, “There are times when my daughter and I are getting into it in the car, and she will be so mean and hurtful to me. Sometimes I will start crying. But I don’t want her to feel guilty or like she has to take care of my feelings, so I hide it and continue the conversation.”
I’ve often heard similar complaints from parents. Disrespect and teens seem to go together. If your teen has a problem with disrespect, it’s important that you realize that disrespect often launches other behavior problems. For instance, teens who disrespect their parents’ wishes that they not drink are only a step away from drinking. Teens who disrespect their parents’ opinions about setting sexual limits for themselves are more likely to become sexually involved.
So as a parent, you need to understand disrespect and how to deal with it in ways that help your teen to mature and become a successful person.
Defining the Problem
Most people find it easier to recognize disrespect than to define it. Disrespect can be seen in a tone of voice, a body stance, or a rolling of the eyes, or it can be evidenced in choices teens make that indicate they aren’t following their parents’ values. Parents generally know when they are on the receiving end of a teen’s disrespect, because it feels like an attack, and it is one. Disrespect is an assault on your place in the teen’s life.
Rather than the presence of something, disrespect is actually an absence of something, the absence of honor for someone, for respect conveys honor. You show honor to people by giving weight to what is weighty about that person: their role in your life, their authority, their care for you. When teens disrespect, they dismiss that honor. Instead, they have contempt for or anger at a person, or they simply ignore the person. This lack of honor can be directed at someone as a person or at his or her feelings, opinions, needs, rules, or standards.
A teen’s disrespect can be targeted at parents, teachers, relatives, neighbors, and even peers. When I am driving my kids and their friends around, I often have to say things to the latter, such as “You are being way too hard on Alex. It’s not okay to talk that way to him. Back off.”
Disrespect is rooted in several things that are going on simultaneously in your teen.
Self-focus. Teens tend to be narcissistic. They are less invested in getting along with the family unit and more aware of their emerging feelings and thoughts, which they view as theirs and no one else’s. And those thoughts and feelings are strong and intense.
It’s hard for teens to pay attention to what their inner world is saying as well as to what others are saying. So they listen more to themselves (and often those peers whom they admire) and less to others.
This self-focus contributes to disrespect. The more teens are invested in their own perceptions, the less honor they will give to others. Those around them feel negated and put down because the self-focus is so strong.
Power changes. Teens are coming into their own sense of power. They are smarter, more verbal, more mobile, and freer than they have ever been. Along with this increase in personal power can come a disrespect for others’ feelings and thoughts. Because they are experimenting with being a stronger person, teens may not be as careful or kind about others, so people around them get annoyed or get their feelings hurt.
Authority shifts. Adolescents are also coming to terms with authority. They want to be their own boss and to be accountable to no one. Yet they are not ready for that sort of freedom, so they challenge, question, and argue with any and all adult authorities.
In itself this isn’t bad; it is a helpful tension for the teen to resolve. However, it can lead to disrespecting a parent’s feelings, wishes, rules, or values, which is defiance. (Defiance is directly related to the authority conflict, and because of its importance, it is addressed in chapter 30.)
Meanness. In addition, teens are experiencing their own dark side as part of the adolescent passage. They can simply be mean and cruel. It’s a part of humanity that is certainly not good, but we all have the capacity for meanness. Meanness will often negate the respect and honor that a teen should give to other people. A teen may be sarcastic, attacking, or dismissive of others and not even feel bad about it.
Handling the Problem
You may be thinking, This is a lot of stuff. Maybe I should just sit back and wait till he’s out of the house. Don’t give in to that temptation. You can help your adolescent work through disrespectful attitudes and behaviors. Your teen needs for you to take part, and when you do, you can make a difference.
Here are five things you can do to raise the respect level of your teen.
Be a person who should be respected. Your kid should respect you, but you may be making it more difficult for your teen, particularly if you have unresolved character issues and problems, such as drinking, anger outbursts, self-centeredness, irresponsibility, people-pleasing, or a “do as I say, not as I do” stance, or if you depend on your teen to offer you comfort.
This bears repeating: Your teen doesn’t need a perfect parent. But your teen needs to be able to look up to you and think, That’s what an adult is. That is a good thing to become. In other words, become an honorable person with self-respect. This tells your teen that you should receive honor, and in turn, your teen will be more likely to become an honorable person as well.
Make room for differences and anger. Differences and anger are there, they are real, and they aren’t all bad. Adolescents need to have their own feelings and experiences and to know what acceptable anger feels like.
Don’t attempt to bring back the compliant nine-year-old you used to have, as you will be trying to force your adolescent to develop backward rather than forward, and he will (and should) resist it. Instead, make it all right for your teen to have his own mind and feelings. When your teen disagrees, say, “Interesting thought. Why do you think that?” This approach disarms much of the challenge and provocation.
I often cook breakfast to help my wife and give our boys a decent start on the day. To keep things from getting boring, I’m always figuring out new things to cook. One morning I made a special oatmeal with cinnamon and raisins. Halfway through, one of my sons said, “Dad, just to let you know, I don’t like oatmeal.”
“Okay, that’s cool; thanks for telling me,” I said. He wasn’t being rebellious; he was stating a dislike. I don’t want my teens to grow up saying they like things they don’t and tolerating things they shouldn’t.
Require respect. There is a difference, however, between differences and disrespect. Teens need room to differentiate themselves from their parents, but it can be done with honor.
Give specifics so your teen knows what is acceptable and what isn’t. It may be that she honestly does not know the difference. Or if she does, your being specific will let her know where you are drawing the line. For example, say, “It’s fine for you to disagree with me and even to get mad at me. That’s how we know what we need to discuss and what problems we need to work out. But from now on, it’s not okay to disrespect me. Here is what I mean by disrespect: rolling your eyes at me, being sarcastic with me, having a disrespectful tone of voice with me, raising your voice with me, swearing at me, or calling me names. There are probably more, but I’ll let you know when you do them.”
Tone of voice is always tricky because it’s so subjective. But most teens understand what you mean by this. Their tone of voice gets them in trouble with their teacher at school and conveys contempt for the other person’s viewpoint. But if your teen insists that she doesn’t understand what you mean, then act out for her what she does. Make your meaning clear so that your child is responsible for the information.
Be an accurate feedback system. As the parent, you are your teen’s primary teacher for learning how to disagree and have respect, so your feedback needs to be accurate and clear. If you are easily hurt when someone is direct with you, do some work on that. This is more your problem than your teen’s, and you don’t want him to be dishonest with the world because of what he learned from you.
But when your adolescent is being rude and disrespectful, confront him. He needs this information, so don’t neglect giving it to him, even if it’s inconvenient or difficult. Not long ago I was at dinner with some parents and kids, and one boy was in a foul mood, which he then directed at his mom, a friend of mine. He would say hurtful things, such as, “You’re a crummy mom. You don’t know anything,” and she would divert him, saying, “How is your burger?” or “What movie do you want to see tonight?”
I didn’t interfere, but later I told the mom, “Travis was all over you. Why didn’t you say anything to him?”
She said, “Well, it wasn’t that bad, and I was just tired of fighting anyway.”
I understand being tired of fighting, I truly do. I could tell that she was exhausted by Travis. But no child should be allowed to talk to anyone like that. If your teen says similar kinds of things to you, something is wrong. Get help, support, and strengthening from other people, so that you can begin giving your teen feedback that a rude and disrespectful attitude is not okay.
Enforce consequences. If you have been clear about disrespect, but you haven’t been imposing consequences up till now, expect your teen to test the limits. So have your consequences ready, and follow through with them.
Here is an example: “I talked to you about disrespect a few days ago, and I told you that you would lose a weekend night with your friends if you were disrespectful. Well, when you used that tone of voice with me at dinner and rolled your eyes, that was disrespect. You’re grounded Friday night.”
“But that’s not fair!”
“I know you think that, but we’ve been over the rules, so they are clear. It’s okay that you don’t think I’m being fair, but I hope you don’t make things worse by disagreeing right now in a disrespectful way, because I will ground you for a second night.”
“But I didn’t know!”
“Well, we’ve talked about it. And remember, I gave you a couple of warnings about it before I gave you a consequence, so that you would know. I think you knew. So if you don’t want to be with me right now, you can leave the room. It’s okay if you’re mad, as long as you are not mad disrespectfully.”
You Can Do It!
Freely and generously give your teen love and grace, and require that your child respect and honor you and others. In so doing, you will be helping your adolescent become an adult who treats others with respect.