I generally take a group of teens in my van to their youth service at church. I realized several years ago that my kids are less resistant to church if their friends go too. As they are getting out of the van, the last thing I say to them is, “Learn something about God.”
After church I take them to a nearby hamburger place for lunch, but I don’t allow anybody to get out of the van until everybody has answered one question: “What did you learn about God?” My standards are pretty low. I will accept anything that shows that a kid was listening. Why? Because spiritual growth comes from being interested in spiritual matters. If they show some interest, they have a burger. So far, no one has missed lunch yet.
Perhaps you are reading this chapter because your teen is resistant to, or disinterested in, spiritual matters. Maybe Sunday mornings are a battlefield because you have to fight your teen to get him to go to church. Or maybe your teen simply refuses to go to church with you.
If so, don’t forget that God designed your teen to relate to him. Your teen has a vacuum inside that only God can fill. As Solomon says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”28 God has set eternity in the heart of your adolescent. Whether or not he is aware of it, your teen needs God’s love and truth.
But a relationship with God is something each one of us must choose for ourselves. Your teen will also have to choose, as a relationship with God can’t be coerced. However, even though you cannot make your teen choose God, you can expose him to God. Teens who are exposed to God receive opportunities to experience, learn about, and be drawn to him and his ways.
Defining the Problem
As pointed out in the second section of this book, adolescence is the time when kids are trying to figure out what they do and do not believe. That means your teen is going to question you, your values, and reality itself. She is attempting to make her faith her own and not a clone of what you believe or have told her.
When your teen was very young, she likely had an identical view of you and of God. However, as she matured, she began to distinguish between the two. She has reached an age where she is more capable to see who God really is and to investigate for herself what spiritual issues are about.
This can be a disconcerting time for any parent. You pray for your teen, have spiritual discussions with her, and try to expose her to good spiritual activities. But in the end, she chooses God on her own, as we all must.
When it comes to spiritual matters, most teens have problems in three areas: faith struggles, lifestyle problems, and resistance to spiritual activities.
Handling the Problem
Let’s look at each of these areas and at how you can intervene.
Be supportive and stay connected. When your teen says, “Why do I believe the Bible?” or even, “I don’t know if I believe,” you may feel anxious and concerned. However, statements like these indicate that your teen is invested and involved at some level in faith issues. He wouldn’t say those things if he was dismissing faith altogether or was disinterested in spiritual things. Your teen needs to question his faith in order for it to become something substantial in his life. If he doesn’t show some resistance to matters of faith, it’s likely his heart is not truly involved.
Draw out questions. Find out why your kid is wondering what she is wondering. Listen. Don’t make the mistake of giving quick-fix answers. Often they only serve to calm you down, and they don’t help your teen. As the proverb teaches, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!”29 Your teen needs a sounding board as much as she needs answers.
I often tell my kids, “You are having to figure out what you believe about God. I want to help you in any way I can. But I don’t want you to worry that God is upset with you because you are questioning. He knows you are interested in him because you are questioning. And if our faith is true, it will stand up to your scrutiny. You are welcome to question anything.”
It can be helpful to read books with your teen that are geared toward these matters. For example, Lee Strobel has written excellent materials for youth that answer questions about the Christian faith (The Case for Faith, Student Edition30) and the person of Christ (The Case for Christ, Youth Edition31). C. S. Lewis and Josh McDowell have also provided thought-provoking books that teens can grasp and benefit from.
Discuss how faith interacts with real life. Teens often struggle with integrating their beliefs with their practice. They are trying to work out their faith in the real world, and they will often stumble. Christian adolescents are wrestling with the same issues that all teens struggle with — for instance, coming to terms with their budding sexuality and fitting in with their peers. These issues provide opportunities for you to talk with your teen about what the Bible says about those things.
Let your teen know God cares more about relationship than about keeping score. Rather than pointing out those choices your teen may be making that are counter to our faith, show her a path that works for her. While you should always provide your teen with correction, confrontation, and consequences when needed, it’s also critical that you help your teen see that God wants to support and help her with these concerns and that God does not want to condemn her.
Get your teen involved in a healthy youth group. The connections, identification, and peer support that teens get in good youth ministries are extremely valuable. I have known parents who have changed churches during their kids’ teen years because the kids liked the youth group at a certain church. When your teen looks forward to church, you don’t want to do something that might change that.
Insist that your teen join your family in going to church. It’s common for teens to protest having to go to church or youth group meetings. Sometimes this is simply about authority conflicts with adults; other times the teen truly has little or no interest in spiritual matters.
I recommend this stance because when you take your teen to church, you are exposing him to information and opportunities to make spiritual choices. If your teen accuses you of forcing God down his throat, don’t fall for it. Simply clarify that he can believe what he wants to believe but that he’s going to church because that is what your family does.
In the later teen years, if your kid becomes adamant and a large power struggle ensues, you might agree that he doesn’t have to go all the time. However, don’t allow him to do something social or fun instead. Require him to be at home studying or doing something else that isn’t entertainment.
You Can Do It!
A recent book, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers,32 concludes that parents are the greatest influence on the religious beliefs of teens. When you try to point your adolescent toward God, you are doing something significant and important.
Ultimately, however, issues of faith are between your teen and God. Your kid will decide what is true and whom to follow. As much as you can, support the search, give your teen as much exposure as you can, and get out of the way. God is doing his own work in wooing, connecting with, and drawing your teen to himself: “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.”33