I used to think that if I wanted my kids to listen to something I said, I just needed to remove their headsets from their ears. That thinking didn’t last long. I discovered that adolescents actually have the mental equivalent of an iPod deep inside their heads, and they can keep out anything you say for any length of time.
My kids seem to be able to hear words and sentences such as “Yes,” “It’s okay with me,” “Allowance,” and “You can go out tonight, ” but they can’t seem to hear “No,” “Do your homework,” and “Clean your room.” It is a mystery.
Defining the Problem
All kidding aside, if you find that your teen doesn’t listen to you, consider it a problem. She needs your input and guidance, and she needs to learn to listen to people even when she doesn’t feel like it. After all, that is what grown-ups have to do in order to maintain their relationships and responsibilities. It can be helpful to remember this. Parents need to address this problem in teens, not because of their frustration with being ignored but for the sake of their kids’ future success.
This problem is partly a developmental issue as your teen is gradually de-investing in you and instead investing in her outside world. You are becoming a little less central in her life every day. So don’t expect your teen to relate to you as if you are the master, as a dog might. For example, when I get home, I am the center of my dogs’ world, especially if I have food. My dogs will always have me as their Alpha, and they won’t outgrow their dependence on me. That is the nature of the dog-owner relationship. But it’s not the nature of the parent-child relationship. It’s in your teen’s nature to gradually make room for others besides you in her life.
Never lose sight of this reality. This is good for your teen. If she goes through this process successfully, when she moves out of your home, she will have a good support system and will be able to pick and maintain healthy friendships.
Also realize that most teens are so full of their own feelings, opinions, and experiences that they don’t listen well to anyone — even each other. Sometimes the conversations teens have remind me of the parallel talks you hear in preschool:
“That teacher is so lame.”
“Did you hear about Ann and Nick?”
“He gives too much homework on the weekends.”
“They broke up. I can’t believe it.”
So you are probably not the only person your teen is ignoring. It just bothers you more.
Handling the Problem
Having said that, let’s take a look at what you should expect from your teen when it comes to listening and what you can do to help your child to improve in this area.
Expect your teen to pay attention. Your teen may certainly be distracted by his inner and outer worlds, but he should attend to you when you talk to him. He doesn’t have to agree or give you lots of feedback, but he needs to pay attention.
Talk to your teen about the problem. Sit down and be direct with him. Say, “Michael, it’s hard to talk to you because it seems like you tune me out. That is not okay with me, because I need to connect with you. I don’t want you to hang on to my every word, but I do insist that you pay attention to me when I want to talk to you, whether it be at the dinner table or in your room.”
Also check to see if your kid has been alienated from you for some reason. Sometimes teens withdraw and shut down because they are hurt or feel misunderstood. This isn’t so much a listening problem as a detachment issue. Find out if something between the two of you, or in his life, is causing this problem.
Expect your teen to acknowledge hearing you and ask for a response. Just because your kid is looking at you doesn’t mean she gets it. Let her know exactly what she is to do so that you will know she is listening. For example:
“I want you to look at me when we talk, and I won’t make it forever.”
“I need you to say ‘Okay’ or ‘All right’ if you understand. It doesn’t have to mean you agree. It just means you heard. It’s not acceptable for you to sit there without responding. In fact, that’s just plain rude.”
“I need you to tell me what I just asked you to do, and by when, so I know you got it.”
If you don’t insist on a response, your teen can tell you, “I didn’t hear you say that,” when she doesn’t do something you requested of her.
Hold your teen responsible for what was said. If you asked your teen to set the dinner table in five minutes and he doesn’t do it, something didn’t happen that should have happened. Say, “I asked you to set the dinner table, and you kept playing video games. This is not okay with me.”
Give consequences if your teen continues to ignore you. You need to take the next step. Say, “I guess this is a bigger problem than I thought. I’ve asked you to pay attention to me when I tell you something and you must acknowledge that you heard me, and this isn’t happening. So from now on, if you don’t tell me, ‘Okay,’ and then follow through with what I’ve asked you to do, you will lose whatever is distracting you from paying attention, whether it’s the television, computer, or music.”
Don’t expect your teen to be your confidant and listener. Sometimes parents want to tell their kid all about their life and struggles, as if the teen were a close friend. As you might recall from chapter 7, “For Single Parents,” this is called parentifying the child, and isn’t good for your teen. Kids who take on this role tend to have problems later in life, as they are unable to tell the difference between what they feel and what others feel.
While your teen does need to be able to interact mutually with you at some level, don’t burden her with having to take care of your emotional needs. Use other grown-ups for that job. Your teen’s life is so full and confusing that she can only take responsibility for herself. Help your teen avoid having to avoid you because she feels smothered by your dependencies and needs.
And don’t feel hurt because you have to make your teen listen. It’s not about you; it’s where your teen is in life.
You Can Do It!
While it’s okay for your teen to be more interested in his world than yours, it’s not okay for him to ignore yours either. You are a part of his world and his responsibilities. Help him get outside himself and pay attention to you and others so that he can learn to how to relate to the real world.