When I was a houseparent at a kids’ home in Texas, we had several teens slip out after lights-out and take off. Fortunately, the home was well organized and networked with the police and the community, and eventually almost all the kids were returned.
What amazed me, however, was how far the kids could get. Some would hitchhike many miles without being hurt. Although I was glad of that, they didn’t learn from the experience in a “scared straight” kind of way, and several of them kept trying. The natural consequence didn’t seem all that effective. Other things, which I’ll cover in this chapter, provided much more help.
Having a runaway teen can be a frightening experience. Runaways are unprotected and vulnerable to possibly dangerous and life-threatening situations and people. While you shouldn’t panic if your teen runs away, don’t underreact either. Your teen needs the best you have so that you can help her.
Defining the Problem
Running away is a premature attempt to leave home. When teens leave home according to their design, they are moving toward something, and they have acquired the maturity, readiness, life skills, and support they need to meet life’s demands. Not so with runaways. They are more involved in going away from something than toward something. These teens are running away in order to try and solve a problem that they can’t resolve in any other way. On top of that, they don’t have the necessary capabilities to face life on their own and can be in real trouble. Most have not thought out what they are going to do; they have only thought about what they do not want.
If you are dealing with a runaway, understand that the running away isn’t the real problem; it’s a symptom of another problem. Of course, you still need to keep your teen safe and protected. That is a given. However, the real problem is whatever is causing her to take this extreme step. What is influencing your teen to run away?
Most teens run away for one of the following reasons.
Home problems. If a teen lives with a raging parent, chaos, substance or sexual abuse, parents who are in major conflict, or similar kinds of issues, he may run away because he’s overwhelmed and unable to deal with the problems. Home is supposed to be a place where a teen can sort out his feelings, changes, fears, and relationships in a supportive, accepting, and structured environment. But if a teen’s outside world is as unstable as his inside world, he may feel that he has no choice but to get away, where he may find someone who can help him contain his feelings and thoughts and help him make sense of life.
Undeveloped coping skills. Some teens run because they don’t have the ability to solve their own conflicts and problems. When this is the case, leaving is an impulsive solution to an unbearable situation. For instance, if a teen gets rejected and is treated cruelly by a group of people she likes, but does not have the social skills to restore these friendships or find new ones, she may run in order to escape the pain of feeling alone and disliked. Since the teen years are so intensely peer-driven, their rejection can feel like the world has fallen down around her.
Substance abuse. Teens with drug or alcohol problems sometimes run away in order to be able to continue their habit.
Sense of entitlement. Teens who feel that they should not be subject to rules and restrictions sometimes run away. They feel entitled to special treatment and demand that no one can tell them what to do. This character issue comes out in small doses in adolescence and usually gets resolved over time.
However, if this sense of entitlement isn’t addressed, a teen may leave home, which she perceives as controlling and unfair, in order to be as free as she would like to be. This classic adolescent fantasy never comes true, of course, because life doesn’t offer absolute freedom to anyone.
Whatever the cause of your teen’s running away, there are steps that you can and must take to help her turn around.
Handling the Problem
Here are some guidelines for what to do.
Get your teen back home. When you discover that your child is missing, immediately do everything you can to find him. Sometimes a chronic runaway has a few favorite friends he crashes with. Other times, he takes off with no place in mind except “away from home.” If you can’t find him quickly, call the police and report him missing. His safety is your first concern.
Get to your teen’s heart. Your runaway is in pain. He may feel angry, misunderstood, overwhelmed, or afraid. But part of his heart has disengaged from you. Do your best to reconnect with that part and get it in relationship.
Don’t begin by talking to your teen about how the running away affected you, as this can cause your teen to think you are blaming him for your feelings. Like many parents, Jesus’ mother made this mistake after she accidentally left him on a trip. “His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’ ”35
Instead, tell your teen, “I am concerned that you must be so unhappy that you want to leave. Whatever the problem is —especially if it is something I am doing — I want to know about it so things can be better for you. I won’t get mad; I just want to listen to you. You must have a lot of bad stuff going on inside, and I would like you to tell me what it is.”
Press on this. If your teen doesn’t open up, tell him you’ll have to take him to a counselor until he does open up. This has to happen. Your teen lives in his heart; it is all he knows. Do all you can to get to that place deep inside him.
Change whatever you need to change. If your teen ran away because of problems in your home, take an aggressive stance to make it more tolerable to her. Every home has some problems, but do all you can so that your teen doesn’t have to experience the brunt of them. If you and your spouse are having conflicts, make sure your teen doesn’t observe them.
Remember, adolescents by nature have plenty of their own internal chaos, and they need home to be a place where they feel safe, loved, and listened to. Your teen has many feelings and experiences that she needs your help containing. Depend on friends and support outside the home to help you deal with your own struggles so that you can make peace and space for your teen. As an adult, you have some options to deal with your issues, but you are your kid’s primary source of help.
Have requirements. Tell your teen, “I am working on listening to you so that I understand why you ran away, and so I can help solve the problems. But at the same time, running away isn’t okay. It’s dangerous, and you could get really hurt, so I can’t allow it. I want you to be patient and stick with me while we deal with your unhappiness and whatever I am doing to cause it. If you feel like running, let me know and we can talk about it. But if you leave again, I will have to set consequences with you to keep you safe. I don’t want to do that, but I will. So please keep the lines open as much as you can.”
Give as much additional structure as needed. If your teen still appears to be a runaway risk, despite your best efforts to listen and address the causes of his running way, bring in additional resources. Adolescent counselors are trained to help, and out-of-home living environments can also make a difference.
The purpose of this additional structure is to protect your teen while working with him on the underlying causes of his running, so that ultimately, he can come home, then leave home at the right and appropriate time: ready and equipped for life as an adult.
You Can Do It!
When dealing with a runaway teen, you can feel unappreciated, but you aren’t. You are trying hard to love your teen, who, for some reason, doesn’t want to be around you. This reality calls on you to be the best parent you can be. Your highest calling as a parent is to do the right thing by a kid who is hating you the entire time. God does this every day for us: “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”36 Stay the course, and connect with the unhappiness. Your teen needs you.