The phrase “rainbow party” recently made the rounds in high school circles. It refers to parties where each girl in attendance applies a different shade of lipstick and then performs oral sex on each boy. While the prevalence of these parties may be debated, their existence is one of many examples of the increase in sexual involvement among adolescents. Sexual behavior that used to be considered unacceptable is now acceptable.
Defining the Problem
As the parent of a teen, you must accept the reality that this kid, whom you raised from a baby, is now a very sexual being. His body is ready for sex. He thinks about sex and talks about sex — and a large part of him wants to be having sex. Some parents find this reality easier to accept than others, but you must make this mental shift so that you can best help your teen navigate through the waters of adolescent sexuality.
Everyone knows that a lot of teens are having sex and are experiencing the consequences: emotional hurts, pregnancies, and diseases. But because teens tend to hide their sexual activity from their parents, parents often find out about it only after the problems have already arisen.
There are several reasons why adolescents engage in sexual activity:
| 1. | Biologically they are ready for sex, and their hormones are raging. |
| 2. | Many of their peers are sexually active, and the culture supports sex as being okay for teens. |
| 3. | They don’t value abstinence or virginity. |
| 4. | They have weaknesses and vulnerabilities that make them susceptible in this area. (See chapter 22, “Alcohol, Drugs, and Dependencies,” for more information about this.) |
If this feels overwhelming to you, imagine how it feels to your teen. He has to deal with his sexuality himself. So if you find out that your teen has engaged in sexual activity of some sort, don’t overreact or try to control your teen. Instead, follow these guidelines.
Handling the Problem
Here are some things you can do to make a positive difference in your teen’s sexual choices, whether or not your teen has already acted out sexually.
Have “The Talk” and keep on talking. Talk about sex with your teen, and more than the required one about the birds and the bees. Bring it up often so that it becomes a comfortable topic of conversation between the two of you.
Your teen may not act like she wants to have these conversations with you, but never mind that. Even if she thinks she knows all that she needs to know (from friends, the Internet, or other not-so-healthy sources), your teen needs to hear from you on this subject.
Make sure your teen understands the following:
| 1. | God made us sexual beings, and anything God created is good. |
| 2. | Sexuality is more than sexual behavior. We relate to the world and others as a sexual being, in sexual ways. Our sexuality is part of who we are. |
| 3. | Boys relate sexually in different ways than girls do. This is all part of God’s grand design. |
| 4. | Sexual fulfillment is meant to be experienced in marriage, and when it is experienced in that relationship, it can deepen intimacy and love. |
In addition, help your teen understand that virginity is a gift to one’s future spouse, and so she needs to set appropriate physical limits to protect her virginity. Talk with her about what those limits might be, and give her the reasons for those limits. It is just not enough to tell teens, “Don’t do it.” They need meaningful reasons to abstain, especially in today’s culture. Discuss the personal and spiritual reasons for abstaining, as well as the natural consequences of sexual activity, such as diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
Most of all, touch your teen’s heart in the area of sexuality. As much as you can, connect with her feelings and fears so that she knows you are on her side. Sex is a very private and personal matter, and your teen is likely to hide her sexual life from you. There is a lot you may never know about this part of your child’s life, so your goal needs to be that your teen internalize healthy values and standards when it comes to sex. If your goal is to prevent your kids from having sex, you have lost the big picture of parenting. Far better for your teen to value sexual abstinence, respect, and self-control because she thinks they are important and the best way for her.
If you aren’t used to talking about this subject with your teen, it can be awkward for both of you. But you need to do it. This topic is too important to hand off to someone else. Get in touch with other healthy parents, youth ministries, and teen experts to help you find ways to talk in the most natural ways possible. (See the sidebar for a list of books that can help you talk with your teen about sexual matters.)
Listen and find out what is really going on. Your teen needs you to teach him about sex and about your values. Equally important is that you help your teen grow and mature in his character.
Your teen has feelings, experiences, and fears about sexuality. Draw out what he is dealing with when it comes to sex. Ask about what’s going on with him, with his friends, and with other kids at school. He may be waiting for you to take the initiative.
Like adults, teens use sexuality as a way of dealing with their emotions and problems. Determine what your teen might be struggling with. Sometimes sexual acting out is a symptom of impulsivity and a general lack of self-control. If this is the case, talk to your teen about learning patience, diligence, and delay of gratification in all walks of life.
If your teen has problems being close and vulnerable with others, he may use sexual activity as a way to experience closeness without the risk of emotional intimacy. If so, your teen needs help in learning to open up emotionally. Offer him support, and guide him into the world of intimacy and relationships so that he doesn’t need the shortcut.
If your teen is using sex to medicate hurt, rejection, or self-image problems, dig underneath his life to where he really lives, and help him solve these underlying issues that are causing him to act out so that he can heal and become stronger inside. (A great reference for what makes kids tick is Dr. Cloud’s and my book Raising Great Kids.37)
Confront any sexual activity you know about. If you learn that your teen is acting out sexually, confront it. She is probably in way over her head and needs your help to get out. Let your teen know that you know and that you are concerned for her.
Most teens will listen to their parents if the parents don’t overreact or condemn them. It’s likely that part of your teen knows she is hurting herself, and she just needs someone to support her own boundaries. If this is the case, keep an open line with her and help her. Offer practical suggestions, such as finding a healthy peer or youth leader to support her and hold her accountable in this. Help her establish a boundary, such as not spending time alone with a date, and give her wholesome social activities to fill the void.
Friends, music, magazines, television, and movies can all pressure your teen to have sex. Let her know that you will help her stand against those pressures, so she can maintain her sexual purity and her physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
If you encounter defiance and resistance, establish consequences, such as loss of your teen’s social freedoms, which are being misused. Don’t focus on the girlfriend or boyfriend, as the other person is not the issue. Your teen’s values about sexuality are the issue. If you make it about the other person, both teens may feel persecuted by you, and this may bind them closer together.
What about masturbation? It may be awkward for you to think about as the parent, but remember your own adolescence again. It’s part of life. The great majority of teens (virtually all boys and many girls) will masturbate. There is no negative medical or health issue related to this. However, it is something that your teen may feel guilt or shame about. Talk to him and let him know that there is no condemnation from you or God about this. At the same time, if you suspect that the masturbation is serving as a way to handle stress, problems, and loneliness, or if he is in danger of a pornography dependence, he needs your help. Tell him your concern and help him find ways to open up and deal with his problems, fears, and issues in more productive ways.
Finally, if your teen has had sex and struggles with guilt or the feeling of being damaged goods, help her know about God’s grace and forgiveness. He is truly the God of second chances. Your adolescent needs to know that God and you love and accept her and want to help her find help, hope, and a new start: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.”38
You Can Do It!
When you walk alongside your teen into the uncomfortable world of sexuality, you are being the courageous shepherd and guardian of your child that God intended. Guide your child into understanding and experiencing sexuality as God designed it: healthy, loving, and self-controlled.
BOOKS FOR TEENS
Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, with Mike Yorkey, Every Young Man’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2003). Shows young men how to train their eyes and mind, how to clean up their thought life, and how to develop a realistic battle plan for remaining pure in today’s sexually soaked culture.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000). The chapter called “Set Appropriate Physical Limits” provides the spiritual and relational background for establishing good sexual boundaries, such as becoming holy, having self-control, not being enslaved to lust, and having healthy relationships with others and with God.
Shannon Ethridge and Steve Arterburn, Every Young Woman’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2004). Offers guidance for how to experience frank, thorough, and natural conversations with your daughter about sexuality and sexual integrity.
BOOKS FOR PARENTS
Stephen Arterburn, Mike Yorkey, and Fred Stoeker, Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2003). Offers guidance for how to experience frank, thorough, and natural conversations with your son about sexual integrity.
Shannon Ethridge, Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2005). Offers guidance for how to experience frank, thorough, and natural conversations with your daughter about sexuality and sexual integrity.