So what’s your dad like?” I asked Traci. She had been referred to me because she was lying, skipping class, and performing poorly at school.
Traci had been quiet and uncommunicative in our first few sessions, which is typical of teens, but she was talking more now. She told me, “My dad’s weird. Sometimes he is the nicest person in the world. He talks to me and jokes around, and we go places and have fun. He even takes my friends with me to go shopping.”
“And then?” I asked.
“And then he can be the biggest jerk. Like, he’ll get wound up tight, and put me on restriction, and call my teachers to get my assignments. He won’t talk to me, except to yell.”
“That must be hard to deal with.”
“Yeah. I hate it when he does that.”
“What do you do with the changes in your dad?”
“Well, I just avoid him when he’s so mean, and I hang around him when he’s nice.”
Unlike the split parenting we discussed in the last chapter, when two parents aren’t on the same page, this father’s parenting split was internal. Traci’s dad was divided within himself, and this posed a problem for his daughter. She had to deal with two different and incompatible parenting approaches within the same parent: one who was loving, with few limits; and another who was unloving and overly strict.
Did you notice how Traci responded? She did not try to get more structure from the gratifying dad. Nor did she seek more gratification from the strict dad. Traci disconnected from structure and boundaries and connected to love and gratification. Her experience with her dad taught her that strictness is bad and total gratification is good. As a result, Traci was on her way to a life of impulsiveness, immaturity, and irresponsibility.
You Only Parent to Your Own Level of Maturity
Parents teach their children primarily through experiences, even more than through teaching and talking. But you can’t provide what you don’t possess. So no matter how much you love your teen, you have a built-in limitation, and it is this: you can only parent to your own level of maturity.
For example, Traci’s dad could not set reasonable limits with her because he didn’t have them for himself. So he would swing from setting strict limits with her to having no limits. Yet he sent Traci to me because she wasn’t responsible and self-controlled. It didn’t take rocket science to figure out that he was part of Traci’s problem. He had a split inside himself, especially in the area of love and limits.
As hurtful as this kind of split parenting can be for children, many parents have this limitation. You are probably aware of your own tendencies to go along with your teen’s behavior, to not respond or confront because it’s too much trouble or because you don’t want the conflict. Then, out of the blue, something snaps inside you, and you come out swinging, yelling, threatening — doing whatever it takes for you to express your frustration. I look at this as the “ignore and zap” parenting style: putting up with inappropriate behaviors for too long, then blowing up.
When you consider how much teens test their parents, it’s easy to understand the temptation to ignore and zap. However, even though most parents ignore and zap at times — myself included — this isn’t good parenting. It teaches the teen that love and limits don’t go together.
Steps to Help You and Your Teen
This problem isn’t the end of the world. God has provided other resources for your teen that can take her further than you can. She has another parent, adult friends, teachers, youth pastors, coaches, and the like. Even parents who aren’t internally divided need to have others around them who can help them parent better.
At the same time, however, you need to be the most integrated parent you can be, for your own sake and for the sake of your teen. So if you find yourself ignoring and zapping, here are some ways to get beyond that and move into a healthier method of parenting.
Get help for yourself. Remember, you help your teen integrate love and limits by enabling him to experience integrated love and limits through his relationship with you, the parent. If you need to become more integrated, become involved with people who can help you learn to be loving and truthful. Ask a friend, pastor, or therapist to help you, or join a support group. Many churches run Boundaries groups, where integration is one of the goals. Many churches have groups that address boundary issues in relationships. These can help you put love and limits together in your own life. As you deal with your own fears of conflict — or your anger or guilt — and get connected to people who remain with you in the process, you will become more integrated inside.
Tell your teen what part of the problem is yours. She needs to know that you aren’t perfect, so that she doesn’t blame herself for the inconsistency and lack of connection. Take some of the burden off your teen, and tell her something like this: “I am really sorry I got so mad last night when you and I argued over your grades. I am realizing that I overlook things with you that I shouldn’t, and I stuff it all, then blow up at you out of nowhere. That’s not your fault; it’s about me. So, while I am still holding to the consequence for those grades, I will work on my problem. I want you to let me know if I do it again.”
Get your teen around adults who put love and limits together. While you are working on your own growth, bring in the cavalry. Expose your teen to adults who can put love and limits together. He needs to experience mature people who can take his attitudes, stay connected to him, and enforce your values. Look for these people among your own family and your friends, at your teen’s school, and at your church.
Write out the rules and establish accountability. If you struggle with ignoring and zapping, write down the expectations and rules of the house. When you write them down, the rules become known and agreed upon, an objective reminder to you and your teen. Writing out the rules also helps keep you more accountable to the process, so that you will enforce what you have committed to rather than saying, “I’m tired, and she’s been a good kid this week, so I’ll let the poor grades slide.”
You may also need some “reminders with skin on,” people who can help keep you structured. Ask a friend to check in with you to see if you are applying your established limits.
Give your teen connection and consistency. Do your best to give these two things, in particular, to your teen. He needs you to connect, as much as possible, with all of his own parts and feelings, and to understand and connect with his needs, rebellion, fears, disrespect, and anger. It’s equally important that you be consistent. Stay the same person with your teen no matter what mood you are in.
It’s easy to be attached to your adolescent when he is feeling insecure and needs your encouragement, comfort, and love. It is more of a job to connect when your teen is yelling about how much he hates you. While you should keep your limits and requirements with him, also let him know that you are “for” him, his growth, and his betterment. Talk with him about his negative behaviors without condemning him.
Why are connection and consistency such important characteristics for parents of teens? Because adolescents must have someone in their life who is strong enough to contain all of their parts — good and bad — and still relate to them. This experience enables teens to mature and become integrated. When teens don’t experience connection and consistency, they can’t develop a sense of self-control and responsibility. In addition, they are less able to love and accept the good and bad aspects of others. What they cannot accept in themselves, they are often not able to accept in others.
Balance Love and Responsibility
Mature adults are loving and responsible at the same time. The more you, the parent, can integrate love and limits, the better chance your teen has of internalizing them too.