Here is a guaranteed cure for being a control freak: marry someone who already has kids. It won’t take you long to get over your need for control.
Stepparenting can be a wonderful experience, and I have many friends who are pulling it off successfully. But even in the best situations, stepparenting requires a lot of work.
Responsibility without Authority
Teens often dismiss stepparents as having no authority in their life, even when they live with them, which means the stepparent has responsibility without having authority. You see problems and opportunities, yet you don’t have the authority to control any of them. As a result, stepparents often feel helpless.
The new stepparent tends to be more at a disadvantage than the one who has been around for several years in the teen’s life. Kids take time to attach, trust, and respect. The longer you are connecting, the better your odds are. Still, even stepparents who have been around for a long time often deal with the problem of not being seen as an authority.
New stepparents are often unprepared for resistance from a spouse’s children. They think that love will heal all things and that they are going to help create a new family. But reality and history can’t be erased, nor should they be. Stepparents are often surprised and discouraged by the conflicts they have in their three primary relationships having to do with the adolescent: the teen, their spouse, and the other parent.
If you are experiencing some challenges in these three relationships, take heart. Let’s take a look at what you can do in each of these relationships to address any stepparenting and boundary problems.
You and the Teen
It’s difficult to hear a teen say, “I don’t have to do what you say! You aren’t my parent!” You feel like you are being put down and dismissed, and you are. But there are some things you can do to make the situation better.
Know what is going on inside the teen. Look into her heart and try to see what she is feeling. She has been through a lot in her young life. Even if the divorce was amicable, her world has been split in half. The home she was designed for, the original two-parent family, is no more. Feelings of loss, alienation, anger, helplessness, and shame always accompany this loss. Any child of divorce will verify this.
She also has a deep wish for Mom and Dad to reunite. This desire has no basis in logic or reality and a great deal of basis in her heart and her past. It is simply there, strong and intense. Most teens idealize the way things were when their parents were still married and don’t conceptualize how bad they were. Your presence is an obstacle to that wish being fulfilled. It is nothing personal. In the teen’s mind, you are in the way of her having her wish fulfilled. So she resists your presence by being rude, defiant, and disrespectful.
Like all teens, she naturally resists boundaries and consequences. She doesn’t like structure from her biological parent, and she hates getting it from you even more. Think about it: who in their right mind would want a third person telling them what to do?
Have patience and persistence in establishing a connection. No matter how much the teen resists your being around, take a great deal of time and effort to connect with him. Do things he enjoys, and get to know his world. Blow off the disregard, at least for now. Overlook these matters in the service of the greater goal of attachment and trust. A wise proverb says, “People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.”15
Don’t try to replace the other parent. Your teen’s mind has room for only two parents. If you try to force yourself into that role, you will lose. Unless the teen tells you that she wants you to parent her, consider yourself her parent’s spouse. Your role is to help her have room for an additional adult in her life.
So when you hear, “You aren’t my parent,” agree. Say, “You’re right, I’m not.” Understand that a great deal of hurt, anger, and sadness lies underneath that protest. Let it be. The teen needs time to grieve on a deep emotional level before she can accept what is. Give her time, space, and support to do that.
Bear in mind also that time plays a part here. If you have married a teen’s parent soon after the divorce, the wound is fresher than if the divorce had been most of the child’s life. However, even if there are many years between the divorce and your marriage, teens can still harbor a deep and unfulfilled wish for Mom and Dad to finally get together. Then this old wish gets triggered by your new presence. In either scenario, listen, be aware, and be empathic.
Let the biological parent be in charge of discipline at first. At least initially, let the parent work on boundary issues. Your job is to connect and bond with the teen. When you and your spouse agree that it’s time for you to take on a disciplinary role, have your spouse tell the teen. This way the teen knows that his biological parent is behind the decision. Be sure to do this thoughtfully, so that the teen can transition into accepting your new role.
You and Your Spouse
Your spouse might be reluctant to give you any support in boundaries and consequences. It may simply be too soon, as we discussed in the last section. Or, if the other parent is still involved with the teen, he may think the teen has sufficient boundaries and consequences and that bringing you into the mix might cause territorial conflict. In addition, the other parent may not be comfortable with your abilities to set and keep limits.
Be sensitive to your spouse’s needs and concerns. Attend to your spouse’s concerns in this matter. Think of her position. She is now responsible for her teen, without the other parent around, and has to manage the new relationship with you and the teen. She carries a heavy burden, and she doesn’t want her teen to be hurt any further.
Let your spouse know you are supportive of her parenting and that you want to play this her way. Ask how you might assist her in providing structure and goals for her teen.
Allow your spouse to experience your connection with the teen. Your spouse needs to know that you love whom he loves. Let him see you putting time in to attach with his teenager. He can be calmed by watching you do the hard work of bonding with someone who may not be very interested in you. That shows character, humility, and love.
Address any questions about parenting skills. Your spouse may be concerned that you don’t have the capacities to discipline, especially if you don’t have kids of your own. Tell her you would like to be entrusted with some of the parenting at some point, and ask her what abilities she might be unsure of with you. Does she think you are too harsh or reactive? Inconsistent? Unsure? If her concerns are valid, let your spouse know that you will work on it, and ask her for progress reports on your parenting style.
You and the Other Parent
If the other parent is involved with the teen, both that parent and the teen may resist any efforts from you to set boundaries and consequences. The ex’s resistance can range from mild, such as complaining to your spouse, to severe, such as legal action. Granted, this is a difficult challenge, but there are things you can do to make things easier.
If the other parent is causing you problems, take these steps.
Involve your spouse. Don’t deal with this situation as a vigilante. Your spouse needs to be involved, as he has more responsibility, background, and knowledge. Ask him for help, and decide as a team what your approach should be. Determine what structure your spouse and his ex are providing for their teen, and then determine your place within that.
If matters between you and the ex escalate, support your spouse, but let him be in charge. The teen is still his child, and he will need to determine what to do about the ex.
Respect the other parent. Despite any negative realities you may know about the character of the other parent, understand that she has also suffered a loss. For whatever reason, she does not have the family she once had, and the situation is probably hard for her too. Pay attention to that, and respect her feelings.
If possible, talk to the other parent about your parenting concerns. Let her know that you want to support her relationship with her child and that you know the teen needs the involvement of both of his parents in his life. Keep marriage issues and parenting issues as unrelated as possible.
Ask her about any specific discipline concerns she may have. Is she against your doing any kind of disciplining, or is she more concerned about issues such as homework, curfews, or alcohol? Be open to her input and respect her role as the teen’s parent, even if you disagree with her ideas and values.
Your Place in the Family
As you put the effort and time into all three of these relationships, the time will likely come when you can gradually function as a parent with the teen. Keep in mind, however, that because of the teen’s age and stage, you may never achieve that role. If so, accept what is, be involved with her as best you can, and help her mature and ready herself for adulthood. Keep her interests first in mind.
You married someone you love. One of the best ways to love your spouse is by helping him love his kids in the most supportive means possible. Give up control, be humble, and earn your place in the family.