Adolescence: The Last Step
before Adulthood

Barbi and I were having dinner with another couple who were also parents of teens. We were talking about the highs and lows of that endeavor, and Carolyn said, “When our kids were younger, I thought how sad I would feel when they left home for college. Now I have days when I just can’t wait until our teenagers leave home!”

Carolyn obviously has some mixed feelings about her children’s adolescence. She is not alone. I don’t know how many parents I’ve talked with who have said, “The preteen years were a lot of work, but, oh my gosh, the teen years are so much more!”

Some parents see adolescence itself as a problem to be solved, a tough period to be survived, and many simply hunker down in their bunker to wait out the war. While the teen years do require a lot of work for parents, I assure you, they are not wonderful for your teen either, and for good reason. It’s important for you to know what adolescence is and what your teen is going through so that you can give him the support and understanding he needs during this turbulent time in his life.

What Is Adolescence?

A time of transition and change. Adolescence is more about what is not than about what is. Adolescence is not the dependent and open-eyed years of childhood. Nor is it the mature and self-directed time that adulthood is meant to be. This period in your teen’s life is a mix of both life stages, and it is neither.

Most people see adolescence as encompassing the teen years, roughly from age twelve to twenty. In the main, this definition is a good starting place, but keep in mind that a young adult can look twenty-five on the outside but have the emotional maturity of a twelve-year-old.

Adolescence has also gone through an “extension” in recent years. As culture has become more complex and college more expensive, and as marriage and job responsibilities have been deferred more, many individuals in their twenties are much like the teens of a few decades ago. For example, many of them still live at home and are financially, and somewhat emotionally, dependent on their parents. So be aware that as a parent, you may need to deal with that. There are good and bad reasons for this possibility. Legitimate financial and educational issues are one thing; avoiding responsibilities and risks are another.

For the purposes of this book, however, I prefer to define adolescence as the transitional phase of life that connects childhood to adulthood. Adolescence differs from both childhood and adulthood. The teenage years are more about change and transitions than either of these two other stages. And because so many changes take place during adolescence, these years are also more volatile and emotional.

Your teen is going through many incredible changes that envelop many areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, emotional, social, and spiritual. All these changes happen at the same time, which means she has a lot to manage.

To better understand how your teen feels, imagine going to a doctor with a stomach problem and hearing him say, “You have a gastrointestinal irritation, a sinus infection, a stressful life, an emotional issue, and your friends are making the problem worse.” You would be overwhelmed and unsure about what to do.

Well, this is how your teen feels every day. For example, she wakes up feeling down and cranky for no reason that she can identify. Then she can’t find the right clothes before school, so she is late to the car pool and feels rushed. At school, she wonders if she’ll be accepted into the girl clique and if the boys like her. At dinner, her parents don’t understand anything she says. That’s a bad day! Your teen is disoriented inside, and with good reason.

Good and necessary. Adolescence is not a bad patch to be lived through. Rather, adolescence is a good and necessary thing. Adolescence is helpful for your child, and it is normal. The more you can see and experience this, the better your boundary-setting experience will be.

Preparation for adulthood. Many parents wonder, “Why can’t we just go straight from childhood to adulthood without this insane time?” A fair question. The answer is this: your teen needs a process of time in which to let go of parental dependence and move into adult independence. This cannot be done instantly.

Your teen needs to sift through and question what you, his parents, say and who you are so that he can identify with some parts and refuse other parts. He needs to be safe in your care while he challenges and tries out his identity, role, power, and skills.

The Bible describes what is happening to your teen in this way:

What I am saying is that as long as the heir is a child, he is no different from a slave, although he owns the whole estate. He is subject to guardians and trustees until the time set by his father. So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world.¹⁶

In other words, teens are under the control of an authority until they are ready to take ownership of their own life. You, the parent, are that earthly authority. One of the primary ways that you help your teen get ready for adulthood is by establishing good boundaries, consequences, and structure.

Keep in mind that teens are divided people. That is, their insides are in conflict with each other. Their feelings and thoughts are disjointed from each other in the following aspects.

Dependence vs. independence. Teens need parents but desire total freedom from them.

Goodness vs. badness. They vacillate between being perfect and having a dark side.

Reason vs. emotion. They can use thought and judgment, then switch to feelings and impulsiveness within seconds.

Internal vs. social realities. Teens can be highly introspective, then change to being highly relational.

Family vs. friends. They connect with the home front, then swing over to their peers.

These divisions are titanic and painful. But your love and your consistent structure, in the form of boundaries, can help your teen integrate his conflicting parts and find a healthy balance.

Given the importance of this time in your teen’s life, it’s important for you to know what a healthy adolescence looks like.

What Does a Healthy Adolescent Look Like?

The following list is true of teens who are progressing normally through adolescence. Healthy adolescents:

Make connections. They have an emotional attachment to their parents and friends. They are not detached or withdrawn; instead, they are bonded and connected to others.

Are responsible. They perform the tasks they are supposed to: schoolwork, chores, family duties, and so on. They are generally reliable and dependable, and they don’t require as much supervision as preteens do.

Accept reality. While they may be somewhat perfectionistic, idealistic, or self-absorbed, healthy adolescents can come down to earth and accept reality. They understand that they and others make mistakes and that no one is perfect.

Mess up, but not severely. They have minor scrapes, but not major accidents. They may make a lot of mistakes, but they don’t have many crises.

Are oriented to the outside. They are more and more invested in their friends and the outside world than they are in their family. They are connected to both, but the outside world is gaining their heart.

Make friends with other good kids. Though you may not approve of 100 percent of what these friends do, they don’t drag your teen down into behavioral or moral problems.

Develop good values. They are establishing a sound system of morals, ethics, and spiritual beliefs. You may not agree with all of the particulars, but the basics are good.

Challenge their parents. They question your authority and your opinions and want to think for themselves. They are speaking up more and testing you. But these tests aren’t ripping apart your family.

Notice that a healthy adolescent can still make mistakes and have problems. Remember this, or you will go nuts. Get over any need you have for an ideal and perfect kid, and accept the reality of the teen years. It will help you enjoy this period.

Hang in There!

When teens pass through adolescence with no steps skipped and within a family context of love, understanding, and structure, they become functioning adults, ready to take on their role in the world. Adolescence may, at times, drive you and your teen crazy, but it is necessary for your teen’s well-being. When parents give teens what they need during this period, these years can even be enjoyable. Just hang in there — it can be a wild ride!