1

Realizing There’s a Sexual Issue

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

—KAHLIL GIBRAN, The Prophet

It was a cool November evening. Wrapped in big, fluffy towels, Sally and Jim crept onto their secluded backyard deck, took off the cover of their hot tub, slipped out of their towels, and eased into the hot water. Relaxing in their hot tub was one of their favorite things to do together. For Jim it was the only time Sally seemed comfortable letting him touch her anymore. Since their wedding day six years earlier, their sex life had been a problem. No matter what Jim tried, Sally never seemed aroused. Now they would let a month or two go by without having sex. Lately Sally would even pull away from him when he would start to give her a hug.

But something felt different tonight. Once in the tub Sally began touching Jim. He was surprised—even shocked—at first. Sally stroked him in ways she never had before. Jim laughed, telling her he felt attacked. He was delighted, too. All of a sudden Sally broke down. She sobbed uncontrollably. Jim was shattered.

Jim leaned toward her. “What is it, honey?” he asked. Slowly and tearfully, Sally said, “I don’t know why, but I find you a sexual bore. I’m not interested in having sex with you in the least. I’m real close to having an affair with another man.”

Jim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had no idea Sally felt this way. They’d always avoided talking about the sexual part of their relationship even though they both knew it was a problem. He felt like his whole world had fallen apart. Is it me? Is it her? he wondered. I just don’t know. I’m scared to death.

Sally was confused as well, later recalling that

 

the biggest thing on my mind was that this other man, a virtual stranger, had aroused me sexually. That had never happened to me before. I didn’t think I was capable of getting so aroused, and it scared me. I thought, why can someone else turn me on when my husband doesn’t? That night in the hot tub, all these feelings and words just came pouring out from I’m not quite sure where. It was awful. I knew it was important at the time to finally get my sadness out. And it got us talking a lot and admitting that something was definitely wrong.

 

Neither of them will ever forget the moment they realized they had a serious sexual problem. But once the problem had surfaced, they could begin to do something about it. Sally and Jim’s family physician referred them to me for therapy. Sally had previously told the physician that she was a survivor of sexual abuse.

In counseling, Sally and Jim were again surprised. I suggested that Sally’s lack of sexual interest in Jim and her attraction to this other man might be repercussions of the molestation she had suffered years before by her brother. Sally explained her confusion:

 

I couldn’t figure it out. . . . When I talked to people before about having been sexually abused, they tended to downplay it. I thought it wasn’t a big deal because I knew what had happened, who had done it, why it had happened. . . . I was led to believe that meant I had come to grips with it and it wasn’t causing me any problems. That first day of counseling we began exploring the abuse in much more detail, and discovered that it was the crux of the problem.

 

In the years that followed, Sally and Jim worked together to overcome the sexual problems that were related to Sally’s past abuse. In a follow-up interview they told me how grateful they are for having spent time in sexual recovery. It enabled them to develop deeper intimacy and eventually enjoy a more satisfying sexual life than they ever thought possible. And it gave them a healthy foundation for beginning a family of their own.

I hear many stories like Sally and Jim’s in my practice. No one comes to see me feeling excited or happy that they’ve recognized a sexual concern. Rather, they usually enter therapy feeling emotionally pained and desperate. Unresolved sexual issues may be straining their relationship, but even though they want help, it’s not uncommon for survivors to resist looking at sexual issues. Many couples are unclear what role, if any, past sexual abuse could be playing in their current problems.

Sexual concerns are hard to face. They’re personal and embarrassing. When we have a sexual problem, we may try to deny it or hope it will just go away by itself. Sometimes we worry that admitting our problems will cause others to reject us or think less of us. We may go through a lot of pain before we’re willing to admit we have a substantial problem and want to do something about it.

How do we finally come to admit we have a sexual problem that needs attention? Often the admission comes at a key moment, like a flash of discovery. We’re able to acknowledge a problem for the first time. Or if we’ve already been aware of a problem, we’re suddenly able to see its significance more clearly. It’s often not until we feel confused, hopeless, unfulfilled, or self-destructive that we can no longer ignore the real source of our trouble. Then our pain can open a door. Thus the sexual healing journey begins.

 

 

COMMON SITUATIONS OF SURVIVORS

Let’s first take a look at four common situations survivors may find themselves in when they realize they are facing a significant sexual issue. Consider whether any of them apply to your own life.

 

_____  I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense.

_____  My sexual problem isn’t getting any better.

_____  My partner is hurting.

_____  New circumstances have made me more aware.

 

“I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense”

Sexual issues can surface when we begin acting in strange ways that we can’t deny and don’t understand. We may have unusual reactions to routine situations.

After visiting her gynecologist for a routine Pap test, Doris found herself sitting in her car for half an hour, crying. Michael became sick to his stomach when he entered a public restroom. Myra was shocked and disturbed that she became sexually aroused after reading a story about sexual abuse in the newspaper.

Normal social interactions can generate feelings of panic and fear. Receiving a friendly pat on the shoulder or a gentle hug can cause some survivors to stiffen. Thinking about asking someone out on a date can trigger feelings of overwhelming anxiety.

A gay psychology student found that his reactions to touch prevented him from learning a new therapy skill.

 

I wanted to study bodywork. The training involved giving and receiving many types of massage. I became sickly afraid of having people touch me. Lots of fears came up in class. When I got home, I wasn’t able to relate sexually with my boyfriend. It was then I realized that I had a problem with touch and sex.

 

Survivors may react strangely to the possibility of sex. They may end up feeling pulled in two directions, simultaneously wanting and not wanting sex. “There is a grip on me,” one survivor said. “I don’t even know that it is there until I try to be sexual. Then I feel like a victim, and locked in.”

Some survivors realize they have a sexual problem when they find themselves giving their partners mixed messages about wanting sexual intimacy, such as one woman described:

 

I want my husband to find me sexually attractive. I’ll go to great lengths to improve my appearance so that he will. I wear sexy clothes and paint my nails. But if he gets sexually excited and interested in me, I’m annoyed. Why do I feel disappointed when I should be glad?

 

Some survivors are alarmed to find themselves having strong sexual feelings at times when sex is impossible. “I’ll get filled with passion when I’m at work during the day,” one man said. “Yet I retreat from the idea of sex at night or on the weekends, when sex is possible. I avoid it. Sometimes I’ll watch television, fall asleep on the couch, stay up late, work, or wait until it’s pretty late before I come home.”

A woman survivor had a similar experience. “I’ll start fights with my partner just to keep from having sex,” she said. “On weekend mornings I’ll plan an entire agenda to keep us busy so I don’t have to be close. I don’t understand why I’d rather clean the toilet than have sex!”

Survivors may be shocked at their unconscious reactions to touch and sex. They may find themselves suddenly doing odd or hurtful things to their intimate partners. In the middle of the night, while still asleep, a woman survivor hit her husband in the back. He was stunned. A gentle man by nature, he turned over, calmly woke her, and asked her to stop. It concerned her that she was expressing feelings toward him that he didn’t deserve.

A partner’s request for sex and sexual activities can trigger an abrupt response, as this woman described: “I got very angry with my husband if he wanted sex. Once I got so angry I bit him. I had no idea why I was that angry.”

Survivors may realize their sexual behavior is inappropriate. After a kiss on a first date, a seventeen-year-old incest survivor shocked herself by unzipping her date’s pants and performing oral sex on him. She had no conscious memory of ever engaging in oral sex in the past.

 

I felt in a trance. It was as if a part of me had been waiting, trained and ready to go. The boy told me to stop. I felt embarrassed and stunned. I was shocked I had touched him in the first place.

Rachel felt frustrated by her sexual behavior, as well.

 

I was involved in a relationship which I truly valued. I began to experience serious problems in intimacy. I found myself becoming irrational, and alternately spiteful or clinging. I began to crave sex and attention. But I would weep uncontrollably when my partner would try to make love, and if we did end up having sex, I was so anxious I couldn’t climax.

Fran became concerned when she began squelching her own enjoyment during sex.

 

In the middle of sex I became obsessed with a little bump on my partner’s back. The obsession filled my mind to the point that I emotionally checked out. I shut down all feeling, and had to stop. I was unable to go any further.

Angie was also upset at how she denied herself sexual pleasure.

 

I was having sex with my boyfriend when I suddenly became uptight and anxious. My thoughts scattered and dispersed like detergent in a pool of oil. I was totally unable to have an orgasm. I couldn’t focus. I kept short-circuiting before I’d get there. I didn’t know what was happening with me. It was scary.

Although such reactions can seem irrational and upsetting, they draw our attention to the fact that we have a problem. Awareness brings motivation to change, as this survivor’s story illustrates.

 

My husband and I were making love. Suddenly I was washed over by an overwhelming wave of anger. Inside my head I was screaming things like “I hate men! I hate penises! I hate it that they enjoy this and I don’t!” I rolled over crying and screaming. After a while the screaming was replaced by a voice of resolve inside me that said, “I don’t want it to be like this anymore!” Soon after, I sought out counseling, and the memories of my abuse began to surface.

 

“My sexual problem isn’t getting any better”

We may realize something’s wrong when we have a specific sexual problem that doesn’t go away, has no medical cause, and is causing us more and more anxiety.

Six months after being raped, Dawn was upset that she still didn’t want sex with her husband. Jo, an incest survivor, couldn’t reach orgasm with her lover even though she loved, trusted, and felt safe with him.

Some survivors may repeatedly sabotage their own best efforts to form close relationships. A twenty-five-year-old survivor wanted to start dating, but he froze when meeting women.

 

I was very unhappy because I would become shy and clam up, saying little or nothing at all around women I liked and wanted to know better. If I did start talking with a woman, I would find myself feeling uncomfortable, very nervous, and somewhat scared.

It hurts to realize we’ve been denying ourselves pleasures other people enjoy. Some survivors feel caught in a web of negative sexual attitudes, inhibitions, and unfulfilling experiences. “The worst part of sex is foreplay,” a woman survivor said. “Intercourse isn’t so bad because I know it’s almost over.” Another survivor felt similarly:

 

Sex is an ordeal, not an opportunity for closeness or pleasure. I’ll tell myself, Okay, I’ll do it this time—maybe it won’t last too long—when it’s over I’ll be safe for a while. It bothers me that I think of sex like taking out the garbage—something that has to be done regularly, with small reprieves in between.

Self-denying or secretive behavior may finally cause survivors to admit something’s wrong. They may fake enjoyment, focus solely on the partner’s pleasure, or not communicate what they need to feel satisfied sexually. This behavior can create emotional distance, resentment, and self-loathing in relationships. The consequences can bring pain. A survivor described such a result:

 

I have shut down my own sexual feelings and shifted my focus to satisfying my partner’s sexual needs and desires. I often feel used and degraded as a result of not paying attention to my own feelings.

Survivors who routinely deny their feelings can become caught up in a charade. Candy faked orgasms for two years. As more time passed her behavior became unbearable for her. Although it was extremely hard to do, she decided to tell her boyfriend the truth.

 

I needed to be special to men in some way—and the best way I knew was sexual. I’d get them sexually intoxicated with me. It didn’t feel like I was denying myself for a long time, since I got a lot of mental satisfaction witnessing how much I could get them turned on. But lately since I’ve been valuing myself more and liking my boyfriend more as a friend, it just felt too phony not to tell him.

 

Although her boyfriend was shocked and hurt, he appreciated the new level of honesty and trust her disclosure made possible. As a couple they had begun their sexual healing journey.

Many survivors reach a point when they no longer want to engage in self-denying behaviors. They admit they have a problem that needs to be addressed.

Survivors may feel out of control with sex. That also can provide the impetus for a survivor to realize a problem exists. Survivors may find themselves consumed by their own compulsive drive for sex. They may be unable to stop themselves from being promiscuous, watching pornography, having secretive sexual affairs, or engaging in dangerous sexual activities. It’s frightening. “I feel like I’m living in a house that’s perched on a cliff,” a survivor said.

Secrecy, shame, guilt, and fear are the by-products of being out of control with sex. These feelings can eat at our sense of self-worth. Our addictive and compulsive behaviors can prevent us from forming healthy intimate relationships. A twenty-three-year-old woman survivor explained:

 

I woke up one day and realized I was in the midst of “dating” three men at the same time. I had slept with all of them on the first date and was continuing to sleep with them all. I felt completely out of control, hated myself, enjoyed none of the sexual experiences, cared nothing for any of the men! My life was a mess and I was headed for disaster. I started to feel suicidal. Somehow it dawned on me that I needed to take control and take care of me. For the first time in my life I realized that I did not want nor have to be sexual. I just couldn’t anymore. Within a month of cutting off these relationships and being celibate, I remembered the abuse experiences with my father.

 

Fear of sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS has sparked many people with sexually addictive behaviors to recognize the seriousness of their out-of-control sex. Sexually promiscuous survivors may fail to use protection such as condoms or birth control. Then they become frightened to realize that the need to please a partner or get sexual attention could make them sick or lead to infertility, unwanted pregnancy, or even death.

Concern over solitary sexual behavior and thoughts can be yet another impetus for admitting that a problem exists. Some survivors compulsively masturbate, compulsively use pornography, need abusive fantasies for arousal, or habitually give sexual meaning to everyday experiences. A survivor who can’t join in a game of volleyball, for example, without becoming sexually aroused by his teammates may be ready to admit he has a problem.

 

“My partner is hurting”

Survivors must pursue sexual healing because they want to, not because they feel they have to in order to save a dying relationship. Yet, we can realize we have a sexual issue when we learn more about our partner’s emotional pain and want things to improve.

Often the partner of a survivor suffers most from a sexual problem. Survivors may not be concerned that they have sexual addictions, lack satisfaction in sex, or avoid sex. “I’d be just fine if we never had sex again,” a survivor might say. What may be most disturbing is witnessing how much our partners hurt. A survivor explained her dilemma:

 

I was pushing my partner away because I would freeze during sex and I didn’t know why. I never thought of the abuse when we had sex, but apparently my subconscious did. My partner felt as if there was something wrong with him and that I didn’t want him. He felt as if he was a horrible person for wanting sex. He’s been deeply affected, and it hurts me to see him this way.

 

Partners often suffer from anxiety, depression, and emotional stress that result from the sexual problems in their relationship. When survivors withdraw from physical intimacy or are not emotionally present during sex, partners can feel rejected, inadequate, and sexually unattractive.

Daniel sat next to his wife, a survivor, at their first counseling session and explained:

 

It hurts when my wife gives the message that sex is disgusting. She’ll say, “All right, just get it over with. How can you want me, I’m so fat. You don’t care about me, you’re just using me.” Why is she so defensive? She assumes I’m out to get her. Lately, even were she to initiate sex, I don’t think I’d want it. For her there is no connection between expressing love and having sex. I have given up. Sexually, I’m withdrawn and I feel withered up. I have only general love and friendship feelings toward my wife. But my heart is closing up. I lack faith in her ability to change. I have no expectations for change anymore. I’m thinking of moving out. I’m tired of feeling anger and frustration all the time.

 

Survivors who are compulsively drawn to sexual activity may cause their partners pain. A survivor who sneaks around or lies to maintain secretive sexual behaviors can hurt a partner. Bev, a bisexual survivor, was shocked when her female partner became very upset and threatened to leave the relationship. Bev said, “I finally realized how much it hurt her when I’d complain that we weren’t having sex enough or turn away from her to flirt with others.”

It’s not uncommon for partners to develop sexual problems of their own. They may lose interest in having sex, or they may start experiencing trouble climaxing or reaching orgasm too quickly. (In chapter 11 we will discuss how partners and survivors can address specific sexual problems.)

This was true for Meg, the wife of a survivor. She began experiencing sexual problems in response to the troubles her husband was having in lovemaking.

 

During sex my husband gets so nervous and uptight that he tells me not to move around a lot. I used to love moving around. It was a big part of my total enjoyment of sex. Now when he tells me not to move, I just start checking out of what is happening. I stop lubricating and my vagina hurts. Sex has become painful. I don’t feel I can say anything though, because I fear I might discourage him from trying again. Sometimes at work or at a party a friend will come up to me and just give me a hug or a touch on the shoulder. When this happens I remember how much I like touch and how easy it used to be for me before this relationship.

 

In some relationships a partner may become dissatisfied and have an affair. While this action can shock a survivor into realizing a serious concern exists, the overall effect of the affair can harm the survivor’s ability to trust the partner. Survivors may feel angry and betrayed and may have trouble focusing on the original sexual issue that led to the affair. Or survivors may jump desperately into sexual healing, fearing further abandonment by their partner. Either way, progress may be handicapped.

Many partners feel trapped. They want to remain in the relationship but are angry and sad because they’ve lost physical intimacy.

It can be difficult for a survivor to witness a partner’s emotional pain. Many survivors have a tendency to feel ashamed, angry at themselves, or responsible for their partner’s suffering. If this is true for you, remind yourself that the abuse creating stress in your relationship was not your fault. Your partner’s reactions are normal for the situation, not a reflection of what you hoped or intended for the relationship. And remember that your sexual healing will improve the relationship for you both.

 

“New circumstances have made me more aware”

Like the last drop of water that makes a cup run over, we may acknowledge a sexual issue when we have one final experience in a series that forces us to look at things differently. We see our problem for the first time or in a new perspective.

Marsha suffered through seven unsuccessful relationships, one after another, until she realized she used sex like bait.

 

After the breakup of my last relationship, I started to look at the role sex played for me. I found that I used sex to hook a man into a relationship with me so I could get my need for affection and security satisfied. Often, once I felt sure of the man’s commitment, the sexual relationship would sour.

 

Once she recognized the pattern, Marsha could no longer avoid facing the many sexual fears and discomforts that had been hidden from her conscious awareness.

The last drop fell into Howard’s cup one evening at a community gathering. He was in a restaurant, seated at a table with a large group of friends.

 

I looked around the room and realized that I had had sex with all of the women in our group, but I had an intimate relationship with none of them. Yikes! I knew something was wrong.

 

A moment of realization often comes when survivors are recovering from another problem, such as a chemical addiction, porn addiction, an eating disorder, physical ailments, criminal behavior, or psychological problems. The process of recovery gives them a new perspective. They get a chance to take an honest, sober look at themselves. Sexual problems that were well masked or denied before often come into focus.

An incest survivor found that her sexual problems surfaced when she stopped using drugs.

 

For about four years prior to becoming aware of sexual abuse in my past, I had been using marijuana, and later combining it with cocaine, to be able to enjoy sex. As I worked on my healing, I decided to stop using drugs. When I did, my sexual relationship became very unsatisfactory. It felt shallow and lacking in any expression of intimacy or love.

 

The drugs, like a narcotic fog, had been masking the pain caused years before by abuse.

Matt, a thirty-two-year-old survivor of incest perpetrated by his mother, was involved in an Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step recovery program* when he realized he had acted in sexually abusive ways himself. While making a rigorous inventory of hurtful things he had done when drinking, Matt admitted he once raped a woman he dated. He recalled the effect of this admission:

 

When doing this step in my recovery, I realized I had intimacy problems and a lot of sexual anger towards women. I thought the alcoholism had caused it, but I was wrong. Being an offender has caused tremendous guilt and a desire to make amends. I want to know why and how not to do it again.

As a result of realizing he was an alcoholic and a sexual offender, another survivor, Cory, began addressing sexual issues. Afraid that he might be sexually abusive again, he resolved to deal with his own problems. Sexual healing became a major goal in his recovery program.

 

I went into treatment because I had been drunk and tried to fondle my nephew in bed. I basically got caught and thrown out of my home. That was the last night I drank, and that’s been two and a half years. My thought processes didn’t change, though, and it was driving me insane to think of the sexual things I did. I knew that I had to find out more about me or I might get loaded again, and not feel, and hurt someone else. In treatment I saw that I drank for so many years to hide the confusion, guilt, and shame that I felt about my sexuality. By becoming sober and learning how to feel things, I was able to take a look at me, my actions, and what had really happened to me.

Marilyn, a survivor who suffered from multiple-personality problems, did not identify her sexual issues until she was well into recovery. For many years Marilyn had a separate personality that would surface during sexual activity. As Marilyn progressed in therapy, this once split-off personality began to merge with other parts, and eventually it disappeared. Marilyn started to feel anxious about sex and had problems with sexual functioning. Having these feelings about sex was actually a milestone in her overall healing. But Marilyn wasn’t too happy about experiencing them.

 

The split that handled sexuality for me had very few problems other than wanting to maintain control during sex. I have more trouble with sex now, with more of myself present.

For many survivors, healing from abuse can flush unrecognized sexual problems out into the open. Images of past sexual abuse may start to haunt us, and we may get in touch with how vulnerable we feel during sexual activity. Nattie described her reaction:

 

Until I discovered the sexual abuse, I had no trouble with orgasm. In the past four years since remembering the abuse, I have had difficulty feeling sensation, becoming aroused, and reaching orgasm by myself in masturbation and with a partner as well. I can’t ignore these problems now that they’re here.

Becoming aware of sexual issues is seldom easy. As a male survivor confided to me:

 

I see myself in all four situations where survivors realize they have a sexual issue. It hurts like hell—I have become keenly aware of how isolated I’ve been all my life.

 

Recognizing sexual issues may hurt. But with the pain comes an entry point into the sexual healing journey. When sexual problems do surface, they often tell us we have reached a core issue in overall recovery. Once we admit something is wrong, we can direct our energy toward understanding and healing. And healing our sexual concerns can lead us to profound insights about ourselves and to improved relationships with others. The journey has begun.