It was painful to look at the damage yet also freeing. Once I found out what I was robbed of, exactly how I was hurt, I was able to start making changes. It was tear filled and empowering.
—A SURVIVOR
Adam, a thirty-five-year-old survivor, had come to couples counseling with his wife, Marge, to work on difficulties in their sexual relationship. In recent weeks Adam revealed to Marge that when he was thirteen he was sexually abused by a male camp counselor. It had taken him twenty-two years to admit he was once a victim. Marge reacted at first with surprise, then sympathy.
In the aftermath of his disclosure, Adam became depressed. He found himself suddenly crying at work. He began having trouble sleeping at night. Marge began to worry what the awareness of the abuse would mean to their relationship.
One day in counseling Marge listened quietly to Adam while he described his turbulent emotions. Then she became agitated and said, “It’s hard to see you in such pain. Can’t you just put the past behind you and enjoy the life we have together?”
Adam straightened up in his seat, took a deep breath, and let loose with a flood of feelings he had long held back:
God knows, I wish it were that easy, but it’s not. The abuse left me thinking I might be gay. It made living a heterosexual lifestyle with you and the kids seem like a hoax and a sham. Remember how I used to pester you to have sex all the time? I did that to try and get my thoughts of sex with men to disappear. Not only did the abuse make me question my sexuality, but it left me with a reduced sense of my value as a human being. What that guy did to me back then has made it difficult for me to be able to be intimate with you now.
Adam’s eyes filled with tears. Marge looked him in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how harmful an event the abuse had been.”
Sexual abuse is not simply an event that happened, ended, and now is over. It can have an impact on every aspect of a survivor’s life—attitudes, self-image, relationships, and sexuality. These are not past issues but very real and current ones. It takes enormous strength to learn about, evaluate, and change them. In Adam’s case, through hard work, he is realizing the many ways he’s been affected by sexual abuse and is making important connections between past abuse and his present sexual issues. Marge is becoming more aware as well. Their journey is well under way.
Many survivors who work to gain an understanding of the general effects of their abuse remain unaware of the specific ways that sexual abuse has influenced their sexuality. The traces of past sexual abuse can reach into the present life of a survivor and cause continuing problems.
Some sexual effects go away within months after the sexual abuse, but many do not. Effects can be hidden in a survivor’s sexual attitudes and lifestyle, and may not become apparent until many years after the abuse is over.
Your current behavior might not feel like an “effect” of anything. If you avoid sex, you might think, I am just a person who doesn’t like sex. Why does everyone make such a big deal about it? I get along fine without it. This could be true. It could also be true that your current feelings were shaped by past sexual abuse.
In contrast, if you are a survivor who is constantly seeking sex, you might rationalize your sexual problems and tell yourself simply, I enjoy sex. It comes natural to me. I’m good at it. I’d like to do it anytime with anyone. I don’t see why people get so uptight about sex. That could be true, but it’s possible your high desire for sex may come directly from hidden emotional stress and what you learned about sex as a result of abuse. You may be unaware of the extent to which your sexual behavior is negatively affecting you.
As you learn to identify the many ways sexual abuse may be affecting your sexuality, the realization can be upsetting. It’s unpleasant to question our sexual attitudes and behaviors, and it’s sad to get a sense of how profoundly we have been affected by abuse. We may see for the first time that something is definitely wrong with how we approach sex. One survivor recalled this feeling:
The part about my recovery from sexual abuse that made me especially angry was realizing that the sexual abuse was still affecting me in ways I wasn’t aware. Those were subtle ways, operating subconsciously. They had to do with how I formed intimate relationships and what I was drawn to for sexual excitement. I had to identify all those effects before I could recover from them.
While knowing about the aftereffects of abuse can be painful, not knowing can be worse. If we remain unaware of the many ways the abuse has harmed us sexually, we may be locked in years of confusion and pain, denying ourselves the enjoyment of healthy sexuality.
Identifying the sexual impact of abuse can be a guide to your recovery. Once you realize exactly how sexual abuse has influenced your sexuality, you can direct your energy so you can heal in specific ways. You become aware of particular areas to focus on and make changes in during later parts of the sexual healing journey.
In this chapter we will work through the Sexual Effects Inventory to help you identify how sexual abuse may still be influencing you sexually. If you have little or no memory of sexual abuse or have not identified yourself as having been sexually abused, this inventory can help you explore the possibility of sexual abuse. Several times in later chapters you can refer back to your answers as you work to change your sexual attitudes and behavior.
This inventory is designed to help you evaluate your present sexuality: What is your sexual life like today? What might be troubling you sexually now? As you complete the inventory, you can identify specific issues that you would most like to focus on as you heal.
In later chapters we will be learning more about these effects, how they developed, and how you can work to change them. For now, let’s focus on taking an honest, thorough inventory of your sexuality. Each survivor’s experience is unique. There is no right or wrong set of answers.
SEXUAL EFFECTS INVENTORY*
1. Attitudes about Sex
Sexual abuse generates negative, false attitudes about sex. These become hidden from your consciousness. You may have difficulty separating abusive sex from healthy sex. Offenders contaminate victims, imprinting them with an abusive way of thinking about sex, a sexual abuse mind-set. This mind-set can affect every aspect of a victim’s sexuality: sexual drive, sexual expression, sex roles, intimate relationships, knowledge of sexual functioning, and sense of morality. How have you been affected by this sexual abuse mind-set?
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with. (Statements that don’t fit either category should be left blank.)
_____ I feel sex is a duty I must perform.
_____ I feel sex is something I do to get something else.
_____ In sex, one person wins and one person loses.
_____ Sex feels dirty to me.
_____ Sex feels bad to me.
_____ Sex feels secretive to me.
_____ I equate sex with sexual abuse.
_____ Sexual energy seems uncontrollable.
_____ Sex is hurtful to me.
_____ I believe sex is something you either give or you get.
_____ I feel sex is power to control another person.
_____ I believe having sex is all that matters.
_____ I think sex benefits men more than women.
_____ I think people have no responsibility to each other during sex.
_____ I think sexual desire makes people act crazy.
_____ I think males have a right to demand sex from women.
_____ Sex means danger to me.
_____ I believe sex is a way to escape painful emotions.
_____ Sex is humiliating to me or others.
_____ I feel sex is addictive.
_____ I feel sex is a game.
_____ I believe sex is a condition for receiving love.
2. Sexual Self-Concept
Sexual abuse, and its consequences, can unconsciously influence how you feel about yourself and about sex. You may now see yourself as sexually damaged, suffering a poor sexual self-concept. Or you may have developed a self-concept that is inflated, where you believe you’re more powerful as a result of sex. Knowing how you view yourself as a sexual person is fundamental to eventually making changes in your sexual behavior.
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with.
_____ I am an easy sexual target.
_____ My sexuality is disgusting.
_____ I hate my body.
_____ There is something wrong with me sexually.
_____ I am confused whether I’m gay or straight.*
_____ I feel I will lose control if I let myself go sexually.
_____ I have no sense of being sexual at all.
_____ I feel like a victim in sex.
_____ I am sexually inadequate.
_____ I don’t like certain sexual parts of my body.
_____ I want sex for all the wrong reasons.
_____ I have to stay in control during sex.
_____ I don’t have a right to deny my body to any partner who wants it.
_____ I can be loved only to the extent I can give sexually.
_____ I am oversexed.
_____ I have no right to control sexual interaction.
_____ My primary value is in sexually serving a partner.
_____ If I want sex, I’m as sick as a sexual offender.
_____ I blame myself for past sexual abuse.
_____ I deserve whatever I get sexually.
_____ I wish I were the opposite sex.
_____ I am inferior to other people because of my sexual past.
_____ I am damaged goods.
_____ I can easily be sexually dominated.
_____ I’d be happiest in a world where sex didn’t exist.
_____ I couldn’t live in a world without sex.
_____ I am a sexual performer.
_____ There are some things I have done sexually that I can never forgive myself for.
_____ I am a sick person sexually.
_____ I’m not lovable for who I am, only for what I do sexually.
_____ I am a sexual object.
_____ I feel bad about my gender.
3. Automatic Reactions to Touch and Sex
Sexual abuse can create a conditioned way of reacting to touch and sex. Some survivors get panicky, avoid sexual possibilities, and want to run the other way when sexually approached. Others freeze and feel helpless and unable to protect themselves. Still others get overexcited and may recklessly seek dangerous sexual encounters. You may experience spontaneous reactions to sex that cause you to numb sexual feelings, to divorce your mind from what is happening physically, or to become sexually aroused in inappropriate ways. Sexual settings and contact can bring back negative feelings associated with abuse. Flashbacks to sexual abuse may arise and interfere with sexual relating and satisfaction.
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with.
_____ I am afraid of sex.
_____ I have little interest in being sexual.
_____ I am afraid of some sexual body parts.
_____ I am preoccupied with sex.
_____ I withdraw from sexual possibilities.
_____ I am bothered by sexual thoughts I can’t control.
_____ When I get horny I feel extremely anxious.
_____ I feel especially powerful when I’m having sex.
_____ I get sexually excited at times when I shouldn’t be.
_____ I constantly look for sexual opportunities.
_____ I believe that when a person touches me, he or she wants to have sex with me.
_____ I lose all power to protect myself when sexually approached.
_____ I have unhealthy sexual interests and desires.
_____ I often have flashbacks to past sexual abuse during sex.
_____ Unwanted fantasies intrude upon my sexual experiences.
_____ I am sexually aroused by thoughts of hurtful sex.
_____ I get panicky feelings when touched.
_____ I feel emotionally distant during sex.
_____ During sex my mind feels separate from my body.
_____ I feel like I’m another person when I have sex.
_____ I feel very nervous during sex.
_____ I experience negative feelings such as fear, anger, shame, guilt, or nausea with sexual touch.
_____ I get sexually aroused when I don’t want to be.
_____ I often feel emotionally pained after sex.
_____ I am very sensitive to certain smells, sights, sounds, or sensations during sex.
4. Sexual Behavior
Sexual abuse can shatter our capacity for healthy sex. You may have been taught abusive patterns of sexual behavior and introduced to unhealthy, compulsive, abnormal sexual activities. Now as a reaction you may associate your sexual expression with secrecy and shame. Some survivors may withdraw from sex, preventing any fresh discovery of healthy sex. Other survivors may become preoccupied and driven by sex. Sometimes survivors reenact the abuse in an unconscious attempt to resolve deep-seated emotional conflict related to the original abuse. These reactions need to be identified so you can better understand your behavior and eventually work toward healthy changes.
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with.
_____ I isolate myself from other people socially.
_____ I am unable to initiate sex.
_____ I avoid situations that could lead to sex.
_____ I am unable to say no to sex.
_____ I feel I have no physical boundaries when it comes to sex.
_____ I need to be under the influence of alcohol or other drugs to really enjoy sex.
_____ I spend money to have sex.
_____ I feel confused about how and when to be sexual.
_____ I engage in medically risky sexual behavior (using no protection against disease or pregnancy).
_____ I engage in sex for economic gain.
_____ I have had more sexual partners than was good for me to have.
_____ I act out sexually in ways hurtful to others.
_____ I manipulate others into having sex with me.
_____ I engage in sadomasochistic sex.
_____ I have more than one sexual partner at a time.
_____ I become involved with sexual partners who are primarily involved with someone else.
_____ I use fantasies of sexual abuse to increase sexual arousal.
_____ I feel addictively drawn to certain sexual behaviors.
_____ I feel compelled to masturbate frequently.
_____ I engage in secretive sexual activities.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that could harm me.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that could have negative consequences for others.
_____ I have sex when I really don’t want to.
_____ I am confused as to what is appropriate and inappropriate touch in dating.
_____ I am unable to stay away from pornography when I want to quit.
_____ I often rely on abusive pornography to turn me on.
_____ I find it hard to say no to unwanted sexual touch.
_____ My sexual behaviors have caused problems with my primary relationship, my work, or my health.
_____ I use sex to help me feel better when I’m down.
5. Intimate Relationships
Sexual abuse influences a survivor’s ability to establish and maintain healthy sexual relationships. Abuse can interfere with our ability to make good choices. Some survivors may have difficulty selecting partners who are emotionally supportive. Other survivors may be unable to trust and feel safe with intimate partners who do care. Survivors may fear intimacy or have a limited capacity to experience closeness.
The sexual difficulties a survivor may have as a result of abuse often create emotional and sexual problems for the partner. Knowing where relationship difficulties lie, and how abuse has caused problems, can help you work with your partner to solve individual concerns and to build a more intimate relationship together.
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with.
_____ I am drawn to partners who demand sex from me.
_____ I am afraid of being emotionally vulnerable in relationships.
_____ I am unable to attract the kind of partner that would be good for me to have.
_____ I feel obligated to please my partner in sex.
_____ My intimate relationships always fail.
_____ I have difficulty being intimate and sexual at the same time.
_____ I don’t trust that a partner could really be faithful to me.
_____ I hide my real feelings in an intimate relationship.
_____ A partner would reject me if he or she knew all about my sexual past.
_____ I experience difficulty initiating sexual contact with a partner.
_____ My intimate partner is continually unhappy with our sex life.
_____ Our relationship would end if we stopped having sex.
_____ I want, but am unable, to remain faithful to one intimate partner.
_____ My intimate partner reminds me of a sexual offender.
_____ My intimate partner perceives me as sexually abusive.
_____ I want to get away from my partner immediately after sex.
_____ My partner feels sexually rejected by me.
_____ My partner feels sexually pressured by me.
_____ I have difficulty communicating my sexual wants and needs.
_____ I am afraid to be emotionally close with my partner.
6. Sexual Functioning Problems
Sexual abuse can create specific problems with sexual functioning. Abuse may have taught you unhealthy patterns of responding to sexual stimulation. Stress and anxiety that originated with abuse may continue to shadow your sexual activity. Over time these sexual problems interfere with intimacy and long-term sexual satisfaction. As you identify problem areas in how you function sexually now, you are also identifying specific sexual concerns to work on in the healing process.
Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement you agree with and a question mark (?) in front of each statement you sometimes or partially agree with.
_____ I find it difficult to become sexually aroused.
_____ I have trouble experiencing sexual sensations.
_____ I do not like to touch my genital area.
_____ I have difficulty achieving orgasm when I stimulate myself.
_____ I have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner.
_____ I lack desire for sex.
_____ I am hardly ever interested in sex.
_____ I overcontrol sexual interactions.
_____ My orgasms seem more related to relieving tension than to feeling pleasure.
_____ My orgasms are not very pleasurable.
_____ Sex in general is not very pleasurable.
_____ I am limited in the types of sexual activity I feel comfortable with.
Men
_____ I have difficulty getting or maintaining a firm erection.
_____ I have difficulty ejaculating.
_____ I ejaculate very fast.
Women
_____ I do not like touch to my breasts.
_____ I am unable to be vaginally penetrated.
_____ I experience pain or discomfort with vaginal penetration.
_____ I orgasm very fast.
WHAT YOU CAN LEARN FROM THE INVENTORY
Now that you have completed the Sexual Effects Inventory, go back and review your responses. Remember: There is no grading system, no correct set of answers. Rather you are looking to identify the effects of abuse on your current sexual self.
For many survivors, taking the inventory leads to self-discovery, self-awareness. It’s another step in your journey. Although your inventory is unique, you may learn from, or feel support from, the following reactions from other survivors.
“I didn’t realize how much my sexuality has been affected”
Many survivors feel upset after taking the inventory. You may be surprised and even distressed at the number of items you have checked. “I checked nearly half of all items in each category,” a survivor said. You may be shocked that you checked items in so many different categories. Yet checking items forces survivors to overcome their denial. Real problems exist. By acknowledging them you can work on them.
“Different items are more important to me than others”
The impact of particular sexual effects can vary from person to person. A repercussion that is merely annoying to one survivor might be extremely upsetting to another. A lesbian survivor who feels fear when seeing an erect penis may find this sexual repercussion unimportant. But the same fear might be extremely upsetting to a heterosexual woman or a gay man.
Some items—such as “I engage in sexual behaviors that could harm me” and “I act out sexually in ways hurtful to others”—signal immediate danger. You will need to give these kinds of statements a higher priority in your sexual recovery.
“I see trends and patterns in my responses”
Many survivors see trends in one of two directions: feeling negative about and withdrawing from sexual activity, or becoming compulsive and engaging in a lot of sexual activity. “I can see that I tend to withdraw from sex, even though I crave getting touched,” a survivor remarked.
Some survivors notice trends in both directions. “I feel compelled to masturbate a lot, yet I withdraw from having sex with my partner,” another survivor commented.
Many of the items in the inventory overlap. Our attitudes about sex influence our sexual experiences and behavior, and vice versa. You may notice patterns and links in the types of items you checked and how they relate to each other.
In the following statement by a woman survivor, I have added words in brackets to indicate the different categories of sexual effects she reveals.
When I reached high school and college I began to experience intense fear whenever I was asked out [AUTOMATIC REACTIONS]. I was sure I would end up in a struggle over intercourse, even on the first date. I thought that was all these boys and men wanted from me [SEXUAL ATTITUDES]. I feared the idea of having sex with anyone [AUTOMATIC REACTIONS]. I thought sex was banal, ridiculous, something for weak-minded folk [SEXUAL ATTITUDES]. I never once went out on a date [SEXUAL BEHAVIOR]. My fear created a complete lack of interest in sex, dating, and physical contact [RELATIONSHIPS, SEXUAL FUNCTIONING PROBLEMS]. I became a total bookworm [SELF-CONCEPT].
Because items relate to one another, when you do begin to make changes in one aspect of sexual healing, you will automatically be making improvements in others.
“My responses are different than they would have been in the past”
Survivors often comment that they would have marked the inventory differently had they taken it one, five, ten, or twenty years ago. Sexual repercussions can show up in different ways in different stages of your life. For instance, many survivors experience a period of high sexual activity in their dating years, then encounter problems with sexual interest and functioning only after they have become involved in a committed, long-term relationship. Retaking the inventory at different times can help you see how sexual repercussions of abuse may have changed over time and point to areas where you are making progress. A survivor gave an example of age-related change:
As a child aged ten to fifteen, I engaged in what now would seem like excessive masturbation and stimulation of myself with objects. Then, in my teens, I didn’t like to touch myself. Now I prefer to masturbate only when I am feeling good about myself.
And another survivor said, “It’s good to see that I’ve stopped using sex to try and fill an empty feeling in my heart.”
You may want to take the Sexual Effects Inventory again in the future. It can be a powerful resource to refer to at different times in your sexual recovery, helping you identify areas for change. The inventory can also give you a way of evaluating the progress you make in your sexual healing journey.
In taking this inventory you may have gotten your first real awareness of how profoundly the abuse may have harmed you sexually. If you are feeling upset by what you’ve learned, remember that yours is a common reaction and a crucial one. You may need to grieve your losses and to feel the emotional pain and anger. As we proceed through this book, you will have a chance to address all the concerns you have checked. You will grow, and your current outrage at how much you were hurt will help fuel your will to heal.