Lisa, I think I love you.
She looks at me.
No, you don’t, she says.
She holds both my hands,
stays quiet for a long time.
You think you do, she says.
You love me
because I love you.
You are like my brother.
My only real friend.
Because you’re one of the only people
I’ve ever known who loves me for more than this.
She lets go and steps back,
waves her hand over her body.
For a while, we stare at the ocean,
watch the waves break into the sand.
She cries a little, softly.
You and your mom,
you love me no matter what,
like I’m a real person.
You let me be a kid.
The world sees me one way,
ever since I was little,
I had to be like a grown-up,
looking after my mom,
dealing with all of her boyfriends.
She pauses, crosses her arms,
looks toward the ocean
into some memory,
then she starts again.
You guys see me for who I am.
I love you, Ari,
because even though
you didn’t hear from me,
you expected me to be here,
like a friend should be.
I want to believe her,
but the words pour out anyway.
Is it because I’m too big?
She shakes her head.
It never mattered to me
what you look like.
I care about you,
and I’m proud of you.
You’re trying be healthy,
trying to be a better you.
She smiles at me,
like she’s desperate
for me to understand.
You think you’re mad at me for kissing that boy—
Why did you? I interrupt.
It’s not about you, Ari.
She raises her voice
like she’s talking out
into the universe,
past me and everything else.
I’m so sorry, Ari.
I didn’t think about how
it might hurt you.
That kiss was nothing.
I’m used to doing things on my own.
I have to make my own decisions.
I’m not used to having
someone looking out for me.
She looks me in the eyes.
I think about her mom.
I think about my father.
I think that maybe this
could be the end
of our friendship.
Please just forget about that, she says.
I look down.
She walks toward me slowly,
takes my hands.
I’m sorry, she whispers.
You’re looking for something, Ari,
but I don’t think it’s me.
What do you mean? I ask.
She looks me in the eyes, and this time I see her.
It can’t be me you’re looking for, Ari,
because I’m your true friend,
and I
am already
here.