Four Days Before Christmas
Lecken Prison, Oregon
A smug Mr. Van Varkens held his head up so the makeup artist could work her magic. It took a lot of foundation to hide his sixty-nine years from the public. Admiring himself as a conservative sex symbol, Van Varkens ego didn’t want anything showing to discourage his fans from thinking otherwise. In the mirror, he examined the corners of eyes and his forehead.
“Fuck,” said Van Varkens, “I’m going to need more Botox! That damn HDTV shows everything!”
He leered at the pretty new makeup artist’s reflection in the mirror. As she brushed his upper forehead, Van Varkens stroked her hand, startling her, while she tried hard to not show that it bothered her.
“Honey, you’re new to the show, aren’t you?” said Van Varkens as he lightly moved his fingers along the edge of her wrist.
“Yes.” She nodded and resumed brushing while dislodging his touch. “But I’m only here for the day Mr. Van Varkens while Sherry is out sick.”
“How would you like to be assigned to my show fulltime?” he offered.
“Thank you, but no,” responded the artist politely. “I only do this as temp work to bring in a little extra money. I try to spend as much time as I can with my spouse and children.”
“You have good solid family values. Glad to hear it. We need more of that in this country,” moralized Van Varkens.
“But, honey,” he added, “if you ever change your mind, let me know. There are lots of opportunities on my show to move up.”
Though Tracy didn’t like the underlying creepy tone in his voice, or the thoughts skulking behind his eyes, she smiled. If it weren’t for the extra money this temp work provided, she would’ve told him she didn’t have a husband, but a wife. Sherry had told her all about Mr. Van Varkens. (Nobody on the crew including his producer ever called him Will. He insisted everybody call him Mr.) Always smile, always avoid and evade. Being a star at POX, and a rainmaker of aging-related-products advertising revenue, people, who displeased Mr. Van Varkens, had a tendency to find the exit door. However, having a secret wife and working at POX news gave Tracy a lot of satisfaction…and faith. God has a sense of humor!
As he stepped from the broadcast trailer, an assistant handed Mr. Van Varkens a microphone and helped him attach it to his collar. When he stood on his mark, the producer counted down.
“Ready? Ok, Mr. Van Varkens…three…two…one…”
“Hello world, I’m Will Van Varkens and today on The Van Varkens Conundrum we bring you a live exclusive interview inside Lecken Prison in Oregon with the Teddy Bear. Only on POX news—where we swear to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help us God.”
Cut to commercial.
“Like beer and a good night out? Does your colostomy bag fill up too fast? Then you need our extra-large leak proof…”
A few minutes earlier Commander Pinky had received a message to turn on the TV and watch POX news. Wyatt muted the TV and turned to Heidi and Claire sitting on the couch with Julie in between.
“Could you please take Julie for a walk on the beach?” requested Wyatt.
He motioned to Gretchen and Keiko. “You two need to stay.”
Heidi and Claire stood, but Julie sat with her arms crossed and refused to move.
“I’m staying,” she asserted stubbornly. “I want to hear what that bastard has to say!”
Her face projected pure rage while the corner of one eye fought back a tear. Sitting next to Julie, Wyatt curled her into his arms, and stroked her hair.
“No, my love,” he replied. “I want you to trust me and go for a walk. I don’t want you to see this. When you get back, I’ll give you a quick rundown, and afterwards as a family we’ll decide how we’ll deal with this. Trust me like you did with the lawsuit.”
Wyatt stood, taking a quiet Julie with him, and transferred her to Claire and Heidi’s arms.
“How about we go to my house in Cannes?” suggested Claire. “We’ll eat ice cream and watch the Mediterranean.”
“And…” Claire added, “we can look over the designs Madame Manx emailed for the spring fashion show in Milan. As a former L’otarie model, I would like to get your input.”
Julie perked up and took Heidi and Claire’s hands.
>Blue Light<
After Wyatt watched them disappear, he un-muted the TV. “Ok, let’s see what these morons have to discuss.”
“…cures aggravating Peyronie’s disease in three easy steps,” while ‘nothing to get bent about’ from Strawberry Fields played in the background…
“Shit,” said Wyatt. “Is TV all commercials now?”
An Hour Later
Step by step, Wyatt processed. On one level, he listened to Glorb-O, Commander Pinky, Uncle Adam, Konrad, and Gretchen discuss and analyze what they had just seen in the interview. On another level, he compartmentalized his rage. Personally, he wanted to appear next to Teddy’s prison bunk in the middle of the night and put a bullet in his head while he slept. But he knew neither his conscious nor the group would support it. It pleased him that Julie had gone with Claire and Heidi to Cannes, and the three supported each other away from the mess that he had just seen. It gave him an opportunity to detach emotionally and analyze critically.
Keiko, as the brand-new member of the group, knew to keep her head down and listen. While she felt honored this early to be part of the discussion, she also felt greatly relieved when Tawny called her out of the meeting to help with the kids. Children in all their aspects—wet and dry—calmed Keiko, and she looked forward to the day when she had her own children. Tawny actually didn’t need any help, but since she and Mag-R had become nannies-in-chief of the family, she wanted Wyatt’s new assistant to get some experience.
Wyatt interrupted the discussion and asked Gretchen for her input. “I think we need to approach this on two levels,” said Gretchen. “The first level is what is really going on here, and the second level what are we going to do about it in the immediate future.”
Everyone nodded their heads in agreement.
“None of this is making any sense,” said Gretchen, shaking her head. “Teddy’s an actor and not very smart. How was he able to set up a church? And Commander Pinky says it appears that this psychopath Cutter has been providing Teddy with physical protection ever since he arrived at the prison. How did that come about? Teddy’s a young, good-looking guy. Cutter and the rest of the prison should have been exploiting Teddy as soon as he left the prison hospital. But instead Cutter immediately starts protecting him. And Cutter doesn’t have the mental skills needed to pull this off so it doesn’t make any sense to believe Teddy and or Cutter is running the show.”
“So, what does make sense?” growled Commander Pinky.
“Someone on the outside is helping…guiding them,” said Gretchen. “And whoever is behind it appears to be gunning for Wyatt. The demonstrations, the stabbing, and now this.”
“So, who do you think is behind this?” asked Konrad.
“Whoever’s behind this obviously has some good technology behind them,” said Wyatt.
“Commander Pinky,” he asked, “are we ok here from prying eyes and ears.”
“All houses of the immediate family on earth are shielded and private,” growled Commander Pinky. “Even if someone goes outside, we can shield conversations and even disrupt so lips can’t even be read under a security bubble.”
“So where do we begin?” asked Glorb-O, glancing around the room.
“We start with that moron interviewer on TV,” said Gretchen, “and see where the trail leads us.”
Gretchen turned to Commander Pinky. “So, what do know about Van Varkens.”
Commander Pinky sifted through some files on her electronic tablet. She looked around
at everyone and grinned. “He likes art,” she growled.
On the other side of the room, Erin and Michael watched and listened. Michael drank his customary margarita and every few minutes, Erin would tap Michael on the shoulder and tilt her head back so he could pour another beer down her throat.
–You want to help them, don’t you?
Michael took a sip of his margarita and forlornly nodded.
–We’ve taken them as far as we can.
Everything worthwhile has at least a little struggle involved.
“I know,” said Michael. “But I feel like I’m failing as a friend and family member.”
–You know if you interfere this time the powers beyond us
will take Rachel and little Thor away from you.
“There’s finally leverage on me,” said Michael. “Was that part of the plan? To control me by coming at me sideways?”
–Everything on heaven and Earth comes with responsibilities.
But I think you knew that already.
Cannes, France
>Blue Light<
Because of the eight-hour time difference, the time approached midnight when Claire, Heidi, and Julie appeared at Claire’s villa in Cannes.
“The first rule while we’re here is no talk of that asshole,” stated Claire decisively. “Let’s let our war team do their job.”
“Which asshole?” asked Heidi, “POX News or Teddy?”
“Both!” replied Julie immediately. “By giving him a forum, POX is complicit with Teddy and exploiting the worst traits of humanity.”
Everyone quickly agreed.
Opening the French doors on the patio Julie gazed at the pool. She unbuttoned her dress and when all her clothes lay scattered on the tile, she leaped naked into the beckoning blue liquid. Closing her eyes, Julie felt the water’s warmth caress her body as she backstroked the length of the pool while she tried to forget what brought her there. Lights shining from the depths of the pool made her feel like she floated on a watery cloud in the sky.
Then suddenly, kawump! Splash! And two equally naked, irreverent giggling bodies treaded water next to her. Julie stopped swimming and giddily splashed water at the two friendly intruders.
Claire examined Julie’s body in the prism of the water.
“Mon amie, you really look good for someone who had twins three months ago.”
Julie smiled appreciatively.
“Claire, speaking of bodies,” bubbled Heidi, “Julie and I have some news.”
“You’re both pregnant again?” guessed Claire.
“But how…” asked Julie.
“One can tell,” answered Claire nonchalantly. “The real question is why you two didn’t tell your friend and lover sooner?”
“We didn’t know how you’d feel about the news coming right after the birth of Ariane,” said Heidi. “We wanted you to be in the spotlight for a while.”
“I feel wonderful about it, of course,” answered Claire. “I’d offer you some wine to celebrate but…”
>Blue Light<
Keiko and Tawny appeared by the pool. “We hate to interrupt,” said Tawny, “but we have hungry children and we’ve run out of breast milk.”
Without hesitating, the three women headed for the pool ladder. Next to the pool stood a closet and Claire produced warm towels and robes.
“Bring them to us here,” requested Heidi. “They’ll enjoy Cannes.”
Keiko appeared ready to return with Tawny when Julie asked her to stay. Keiko sat next to Julie.
“How’s it going?” asked Julie, cautiously as she slipped on a robe. “What’s your impression?”
Keiko scrutinized Julie for a moment, searching for the right words and decided to be honest. “That loony toon was actually once your boyfriend?” asked Keiko.
Julie stared at Keiko for a few seconds and shook her head in regret. “Well, as Wyatt would say…” she said with a sigh, “…it seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m just glad that I’m in a much better place now.”
“Don’t worry, Julie,” assured Keiko, “Gretchen is leading the charge. She’s a fierce woman when aroused.”
“We all are,” said Julie as she adjusted the belt on her robe. “Wyatt likes having that type of women around him and is unafraid of our power. That’s probably why you impressed him.”
Keiko smiled.
>Blue Light<
Tawny and Mag-R appeared at the pool’s edge pushing a crib and started handing off hungry infants to the accommodating mothers laying on chaise lounges.
Julie looked at the crib. “Where are Helen, Anna, and Sara?”
“Helen and Anna are flying around the meeting while Gretchen’s feeding Sara,” said Mag-R while eyeing Tawny. Suddenly he picked her up in his tentacles and leaped into the pool with her while they laughed like little kids.
Keiko scrutinized Beau as he attacked his meal. “What are you going to do when the next one comes along and you have three to feed?”
Julie shrugged.
“She’s going to have help from her well-supplied French friend,” announced Claire with pride.
She uncovered and showed off her ample spare breast. Not to be outdone, Heidi uncovered her other full breast. “But she’ll get even more help from her German friend!” proclaimed Heidi.
“Deutsche Hure!”1
“Salope française!”2
“Arrestilo voi due bambini!” shouted Julie3
“Bravo!” cheered Claire, “Your Italian is getting better!”
“How does Wyatt like it?” asked a curious Heidi.
“Silly German slut” replied Claire. “She’s pregnant. That should tell you something.”
Julie grinned.
“Salope italienne!” said Heidi laughing.4
Claire noticed Mag-R with Tawny getting a little risqué in the pool. “Hey, you two, we have rooms in this house for that sort of thing,” shouted Claire as Ariane gurgled on her nipple.
Mag-R and Tawny reached for the pool ladder.
“You know Lesbians don’t like to Klaatu in closed-in spaces like rooms,” said a disappointed Tawny. “And I don’t have any chocolate chip cookies.”
Claire pointed towards a door at the other side of the pool. “In that case, there is a big grassy field next to the house and blankets in the closet.”
Mag-R excitedly grabbed several blankets from the closet and scooping up a naked Tawny into his arms with his tentacles, they happily headed for the door.
Sitting on a nearby stool Keiko diligently watching everything going on around her.
“Why does Glorb-O have three penises and Mag-R only two?” asked Keiko, scratching her head. “How does having multiple penises help you in bed, or in their case a field?”
Heidi looked up from Tavi. “That’s a good question,” she conceded, “for some reason we’ve never thought to ask them. Why don’t you find out for us?”
“And why sex in open spaces?” continued Keiko.
“They’re Nocturns. I think in the throes of passion they get claustrophobic,” said Julie. “For a while we couldn’t figure out why there was a bed sometimes in the middle of the gym at the house.”
“One morning we found a canopy bed on the beach below the house,” added Heidi. “I think that was probably Glorb-O and Molly.”
Keiko curiously studied Julie. “What does that feel like?”
“What?”
“A baby sucking milk from your nipple?”
Julie surprised Keiko “You want to try it?”
Keiko hesitated a moment and… “Sure. Why not? This has been a day for a lot of new things.”
Keiko reached underneath her sweater and un-cupped her bra. She leaned over Julie and taking Beau, she pressed him against her nipple. Beau sucked. But after a few seconds with nothing coming out Beau started crying and Keiko returned him to Julie. Immediately, Beau stopped crying when he found a flowing nipple.
“So, what do you think?” asked Julie.
“This is a bit embarrassing to say, but it was a little stimulating,” admitted Keiko.
“It is sometimes,” said Julie. “There have been times when, after I was done feeding the twins, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted Wyatt.”
Julie looked to her side. “…but sometimes had to settle for Claire or Heidi.”
Claire and Heidi stuck out their tongues at Julie.
“Some women are so sexually stimulated by breastfeeding,” added Heidi energetically, “that they are actually able to have orgasms while they are doing it.”
Everyone turned towards Heidi and stared.
“At least so I’ve read,” Heidi quickly explained. “I’ve never actually experienced it myself. Yet. But there were those moments when I’m sure Wyatt wondered why I was so frisky afterwards.”
“Frisky about what?” asked Wyatt as he walked through the French doors flanked by Romeo and Juliet into the pool area.
The woman all giggled and blushed, especially Heidi. Wyatt looked confused.
“Wyatt, sweetie, after I’m done here, would you like to go for a walk in the garden?” said Julie seductively. “I’m feeling really pretty.”
“Wings, or no wings?” asked Wyatt.
“Claire has low ceilings, so probably without.” Julie smiled.
Claire pointing at a grinning Heidi. “Could you two take this pretty German with you also?” asked Claire. “She won’t admit it, but she needs a little Wyatt too. Keiko and I can take care of the kids and return them to the nursery. I’d go with you, but it’s too soon for me.”
Julie gently laid Beau in the crib and tickled Niki’s tummy.
“Mommy Claire will take care of our little Nik-Nik.”
Julie and Heidi took Wyatt’s hands and guided him inside. Keiko lifted a satisfied Ariane from Claire and brought her Niki. After Niki began feeding, Claire requested Keiko get a bottle of Pinot from the kitchen and a couple of glasses and some bowls. Several minutes later Keiko returned and poured her and Claire and Romeo and Juliet some wine.
“You wanted a life less ordinary,” said Claire to Keiko as she sipped her wine. “How are we doing so far?”
Keiko looked at Claire, then at Romeo and Juliet, while in her mind she reviewed the day and grinned.
“That’s what I thought!” said Claire with a smile.
A little while later Tawny and Mag-R strolled serenely through the side door of the Villa with nothing but a blanket wrapped around them. Obviously in love, the two took every opportunity to touch and make baby googly faces at one other. Which, having three eyes made Mag-R, a little comical in a good way, thought Claire.
They put on quite a loving show as they prepared to take the children home, and Claire liked what she saw. This is what she wanted all their children to see every day as they grew up, love, tolerance, caring. They needed examples. Knowing they would emulate everything they saw, Claire wanted her children, Beau, Tavi, Niki, Ariane, Helen, Anna, and Sara to only see the best so that they would pass it on to their children. That, Claire believed, was the basis of true immortality. Not being absolutely remembered, but having the best parts of a person and their family being passed on, and on, and on. Ten generations hence someone will believe these good loving wonderful traits originated with them. But Claire, the mother, the wife, the lover, and friend would have the gift in this precious moment of truly knowing her contribution to the enduring cycle of humanity.
Careful not to wake the sleeping blissful children in their crib, Tawny and Mag-R departed for Otter Rock.
Heidi had just finished tying the belt on her robe when she emerged onto the patio. Claire and Keiko sipped wine, while Romeo and Juliet enjoyed the evening arguing in the shallow end of the pool about Ray Harryhausen movies.
“What are you doing here so soon?” asked Claire. “I thought by this time you’d be having seconds or trying to flatten out Wyatt’s face?”
“I wanted to, and I would have,” said Heidi, “but Wyatt asked me for some private time with Julie so he could talk with her.”
“Why does everyone call him Wyatt instead of Ian?” asked a puzzled Keiko.
“Because my dear,” said Heidi cheerily as she sat in one of the lounges, “that’s his real name, his family name.”
Keiko shook her head. “I still don’t get it.”
Claire and Heidi looked at each other. “Should I give her a quick rundown?” asked Heidi.
“She’s going to have to hear it sometime if she’s going to be able to do her job around here,” replied Claire, sipping her wine.
Keiko sat next to Claire and Heidi began. “His name is really Wyatt Ian Morgen. Until a year ago he was a fifty-four-year-old math teacher in a small Alaskan fishing village who worked part time for the Ircinraq, or the little people altering the space-time continuum in order to make lives better in the village for natives. A year ago, during the Christmas Pageant, while playing the Ghost of Christmas Present, the principal shot and killed him, and my sister Gretchen. Our good friend Michael aka Satan broke all the rules of the other world and brought them back from wherever they were. When they returned, a day later, they had two children with them, Helen and Anna, and Gretchen was pregnant with Sara. Apparently, the space-time continuum is completely different where they were at. You and Wyatt will be working closely. He’ll need to fill you in on the rest.”
Keiko downed the rest of the glass of wine. “So, the book Ian…uh...Wyatt wrote is really an autobiography of sorts.”
Heidi nodded.
Keiko turned towards Romeo and Juliet arguing.
“How can you compare van Gogh with Monet?” asked Juliet. “Their Impressionistic styles are completely different.”
“Hey, bitch,” replied Romeo, “I was merely commenting on the underlying current of Impressionistic unconscious motivation.”
“Hey, Romeo,” admonished Keiko, “She’s your sister. Treat her with some respect. You can make your point without using the B-word. We women find it highly offensive!”
“Yes, Keiko,” acknowledged Romeo meekly.
Claire leaned into Keiko’s ear. “Thank you,” she whispered. “But in a few minutes, give him a little sugar. It’ll perk him back up.”
Suddenly a chair flew from the upstairs bedroom window and crashed on the rocks below.
“I want him dead! Dead! Do you hear me! Dead! Dead! Dead! If he thinks he’s going to say even so much as hello to any of our children, I’ll go to that prison and strangle him myself!”
Then crying, lots and lots of loud crying.
Heidi and Claire started to stand, but Keiko motioned for them to stay.
“Wyatt has obviously told Julie about the interview with Teddy,” said Keiko.
“Oh shit,” said Heidi. “I had forgotten all about that. What happened?”
Keiko thought a second. “Let’s see, first, you already know Ian/Wyatt is the son of Satan according to the Teddy Bear followers.”
“Yes,” acknowledged Heidi sarcastically. “If they only knew that the real son of Satan is cute little Thor.”
“So, by definition your children are the grandchildren of Satan,” said Keiko, “except…”
“Except what?” asked Claire.
“…except for Beau and Niki. They are the grandchildren of God.”
“I don’t get it,” said a puzzled Claire.
“Yeah, why are our kids from Satan and her kids are from God?” asked Heidi. “That’s just crazy, not to mention unfair.”
“Crazy is the key element in this equation,” said Keiko with a sigh. “Teddy has modified his narrative. In the interview. He said that on the day of the alleged attempted rape, he and Julie met at her request at Otter Rock. Julie told him that she loved him, had consensual sex with him and asked for his help to escape the evil clutches of Ian Morgen, the spawn of Lucifer himself. Ian found out and tried to kill him in the restroom at the Devils Punchbowl State Park, but Teddy bravely fought back and escaped. He only agreed to a plea because Ian and a bunch of demons threatened him in the middle of the night while he was vulnerable in the hospital.”
“Glorb-O, Mag-R, Heidi, and I are not demons?” said Claire indignantly. “But why are our babies evil, and Julie’s children holy? That doesn’t seem fair.”
“That’s where it gets really weird,” said Keiko. “Teddy is saying Julie’s children are his and were conceived the day Ian tried to kill him. He wants a new trial, and he’s filing a paternity suit, so he can get visitation rights.”
“Holy shit! No wonder Julie’s wants to kill him!” said Heidi. “I want to kill him too!”
“But wait,” interrupted Claire, “you still haven’t explained yet why our kids are evil and Julie’s kids are good?”
“Oh, I forgot,” said Keiko. “Teddy’s the son of God, and the second coming of Christ. His children are an important holy piece in God’s plan for the cleansing of Earth.”
“But that’s crazy,” said Heidi. “Even if they go to court, DNA will disprove everything Teddy is saying.”
“It doesn’t matter to the crazies, the true-believers,” said Keiko. “They’ll say the evidence was faked. They’re going to believe what they want to believe because conspiracy is more exciting than reality. It makes them feel alive. Look what they did to President Obama. No matter what he produced or said regarding his birth certificate, the crazies, including the idiot Republican candidate for President, said it was fake because it didn’t correlate with what they wanted to believe is the truth.”
“So, you’re saying the crazies can’t handle the truth?” said Claire. “They need to make stuff up just so that they feel like they are alive in a complicated world. That they are basically all drama queens!”
“Yup. Why do you think I wanted this job?” Keiko smiled, leaning into the chaise lounge. “I wanted to live without all the BS. But in order to do that, you have to be willing to believe that life is not to be defined and boxed up. You have to accept and enjoy it for what it is, messy and complicated, but also elegant in its simplicity. This family is all that and more.”