“And then Wyatt looked around the room with his wings spread and replied, ‘What cake?’” said Julie.
The whole room erupted in laughter.
Julie poured the president another cup of tea
“What I want to know is how Romeo and Juliet came about,” said Leslie.
Gretchen laughed. “Now, there’s a fun story.”
“While you’re telling that story,” said Claire.” I think I’ll go to the bathroom.”
The First Christmas – Puppies in Paradise
The early Christmas Morning sun of their alternative existence streamed through the windows, while Gretchen and Wyatt lay wrapped tightly together in a cozy ball between warm bed sheets.
“Thank you for last night,” purred Gretchen. “It’s been a while since I could watch you chop wood and do something about it.”
She kissed Wyatt on the nose. “You have to wake up soon. You have some unexpected guests for Christmas at La Belle Aurore.”
“We do?” Wyatt started to get out of bed, but Gretchen jerked him back into her arms.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Gretchen.
“The unexpected guests…”
Gretchen wrapped her legs around Wyatt. “They can wait. They’re harmless,” said a giggling Gretchen as she kissed him and extended her wings. “But I’m not!”
—Julie decided it might be best if she took the story from there.
“I think he’s waking up,” whispered a distant voice in Wyatt’s sleepy mind. “Ambassador Wyatt looks younger than I remember in Whitefish.”
“Do you suppose he reproduced with all three, last night?” whispered another voice.
“Well, they’re all naked and scrunched up firmly against each other. Hmmmm, they do seem cozy-warm together. I recognize Mommy Julie. But which one is Mommy Heidi?” whispered the other voice.
“She’s the blonde, and Mommy Claire is the big one with the large milk glands.”
Wyatt opened his blurry eyes with a pleasant smile on his face. Over the edge of mattress at the end of the bed he noticed two sets of curious canine eyes carefully studying him.
“Romeo, do you think that once he starts reproduction he needs to stay with it until it’s completed?”
“I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“Do you think if he gets interrupted he’ll get stuck like a dog does?”
“Hmm, good question Juliet, I don’t know. Let’s watch and find out.”
Suddenly Wyatt, realizing it wasn’t a dream, bolted upright in bed waking his three drowsy belle amours. Before his mind totally focused, two four-month-old yellow Labradors with big, big puppy feet bounded overly enthusiastically onto the bed and excitedly licked everyone.
“Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all,” they happily howled.
“Who the hell are you?” demanded a surprised Wyatt between joy-filled slurps.
“Don’t you recognize us, Ambassador Wyatt?” howled Romeo gleefully as he licked Wyatt’s face. “We are two of the prisoners you rescued from the unspeakably evil Bad Guy! We were the first two you scratched.”
Juliet stopped licking Claire for a moment and curiously asked, “Romeo and I were wondering—does Mommy Claire ever have any problems with Wyatt getting stuck inside her during reproduction like a dog does?”
Heidi and Julie giggled while Mommy Claire scratched the top of Juliet’s head.
“Not yet,” she murmured sweetly while gazing at Wyatt, “but a French girl can always hope.”
“Keep a garden hose handy just in case,” advised Romeo. “Cold water will solve that problem really quick.”
Wyatt pushed Romeo off of him. “Nobody’s spraying me with cold water,” he blurted defiantly while his three amours laughed uncontrollably. “Has anybody but me noticed that we have two talking dogs in bed with us?”
Immediately, the two yellow Labradors sat at attention on the bed.
“Sorry, Ambassador,” apologized Juliet. “We’re so happy to meet you again and thank your Light Brigade that we forgot to introduce ourselves. Our names are Romeo and Juliet, and we have been assigned as your family’s personal companion security guards.”
They held their muzzles high. “We are proud members of the elite Order of the Golden Labrador.”
“How is it that you are able to talk?” asked Heidi while she gently scratched Romeo on his whiskers.
“We were DNA modified, Mommy Heidi,” said a happy Romeo in German as he enjoyed the attention. “We are not dumb animals!”
“You speak German!” said a surprised and delighted Heidi. “And you’re educated too.”
“We also speak French,” added Juliet proudly as she watched Claire smile.
Romeo gazed intently at Julie. “I remember you from that night at Bad Guys. When I saw you I thought, Sei così bella. Sei un angelo?1 I can tutor you on your Italian, if you like Mamma Julie, so you can taunt Wyatt into playing with you more before reproduction pairing.”
“I like these two,” exclaimed Julie, enthusiastically hugging Romeo. “They are definitely keepers.”
“So, are you four going to reproduce now?” asked Juliet inquisitively. “Can we watch? I hear human females have very sensitive milk glands.”
Juliet turned to Wyatt. “Ambassador Wyatt, for the best results you might want to start the stimulation process there.”
Wyatt stared incredulously at Juliet. “No,” he sputtered, pulling the covers over him. “I’m not doing anything in front of you two!”
“I assure you, Ambassador Wyatt,” stated Romeo calmly as he leaned forward into Wyatt, “it would be strictly for educational purposes. We would even be willing to critique your performance afterwards.”
Julie hugged Romeo and Juliet as Wyatt silently eyed their two new canine friends.
“I’m afraid we can’t do that,” advised Julie sweetly, “because our Yogi is a little shy.”
While Heidi massaged Wyatt’s shoulders softly with her nails, Claire slid her hand underneath the bed covers. “Yes, it is a known fact that our sweet Monsieur Alley Cat is shy,” said Claire as Wyatt gulped.
“Yes,” added Heidi as she nibbled Wyatt’s ear, “he’s as shy as the day is long.”
Juliet skeptically scrutinized the sheets. “Hmm, funny, Ambassador Wyatt doesn’t appear shy.”
“Oh, but he is,” Julie assured Romeo and Juliet. “Why don’t you two go downstairs to the living room and wait for us? We’ll be there in around an hour after we de-shy him.”
“No ninety minutes,” Heidi corrected Julie. “It might take longer than we think to get all the shyness out of him.”
“Non, non!” Claire corrected Heidi, “It’s Christmas Morning. A magical time of giving and receiving—two hours.”
Juliet shook her muzzle. “Nope. Prince Glorb-O gave us strict orders that we were not to be left alone unsupervised during our first several months of household orientation.”
Wyatt covered his private parts with a pillow and leaped out of bed to throw on his robe.
“Are you really sure Ambassador Wyatt is shy?” Romeo asked Julie.
He cocked his head as he examined Wyatt. “That robe he’s wearing sure is…uh…well…”
Before Julie could respond, Wyatt leaned across the bed and touched Romeo and Juliet.
>Blue Light<
A minute later…
>Blue Light<
Wyatt returned alone. Taking off his robe, he slid into bed between his trois belle amours.
“Now,” asked Wyatt, “which of my lovely grad students would like to earn an A for Christmas from her shy professor?”
Romeo stared intently at Erin. “Oh, so that’s why Ambassador Wyatt looks different.”
Erin turned towards Juliet.
–Paparazzi at six o’clock behind the big Douglas Fir.
Juliet’s ears went on alert.
–You two want to have some fun?
Romeo’s and Juliet’s tails wagged uncontrollably. “Sure! You bet, Erin! Lead on!”
—Suddenly, outside, a scream followed by giddy puppy laughs.
Zap! Zap! Zap!—Yap! Yap! Yap!
“Fight like a bear!”
“Sting like a bee!”
Heidi abandoned her kissing attack on Wyatt’s chest and leaped from the bed. Running naked to the balcony window, she looked outside.
More screams, and more puppy laughs.
Zap! Zap! Zap!—Yap! Yap! Yap!
Along with loud, heavy, heaving, snorting, and howling…
“What’s going on?” asked Claire.
“Romeo and Juliet are firing lasers at a paparazzi,” said Heidi calmly, “and Erin is rolling on the ground laughing!”
A quick burst of fireworks went off in the everyone’s early morning brains at the same time.
Romeo and Juliet are firing lasers at a paparazzi? What the fuck?
Flying from the bed, four bodies threw on robes and raced down the stairs and out the front door.
Zap! Zap! Zap!—Yap! Yap! Yap!
When the four arrived in the front driveway, Romeo and Juliet were chasing a young man in his mid-twenties holding a camera around a big Douglas fir tree at the edge of the woods and taking great puppy delight stinging him with purple and red laser-type beams shooting from their collars. Erin had already escaped.
Zap! Zap! Zap! “Hee, hee, hee, your turn, Juliet!”
Zap! Zap! Zap! “Hee, hee, hee, your turn, Romeo!”
“Hey! You two stop that!” yelled Wyatt as the four ran barefoot through the grass trying to hold their robes shut in the chilly early morning December breeze.
While Romeo growled and held the young man at bay behind the tree, Juliet turned towards the onrushing ménage quatre.
“Can we melt him, Ambassador Wyatt? Can we? Can we?” asked Juliet enthusiastically bouncing.
The terrorized young man clung to the shelter of the tree.
“No! Absolutely not!” commanded a shocked Wyatt.
“It’s ok,” said Juliet giddily dancing around Wyatt. “I was only kidding. The Order doesn’t allow us to do that.”
Relieved, Wyatt ordered Romeo and Juliet to stand down.
Meanwhile, Julie scooping up her iPhone as the Morgen posse rushed out of the house, had already contacted…
>Blue Light<
Konrad and Uncle Adam appeared on the front lawn.
“Ok, where is he?” asked Konrad, looking around.
Julie pointed. A head poked from behind the tree.
“Eddie?” asked a surprised Konrad walking towards the tree. “Is that you?”
“You know this, trespasser?” asked Romeo officiously as he jumped in front of Konrad.
Konrad stared dumbfounded down at Romeo. “Who the hell are you?”
Romeo and Juliet sat at attention in front of Konrad. “We are Romeo and Juliet,” said Juliet “Proud Sentinels First Class of the elite Order of the Golden Labrador. We have been assigned here to personally patrol, protect, and assure the safety of the Ambassador’s household.”
The pair held their muzzles high in pride.
Konrad thought for a second and saluted. “And you two have done an excellent job,” he said. “I commend you. You are now relieved. I will take over from here. Please escort my family inside now. They look cold.”
“Yes, sir,” responded Romeo and Juliet, nodding their heads officiously. “Will do.”
With their two new protectors marching proudly out front, the ménage quatre herded quietly towards warmer confines inside.
When Konrad and Adam entered the bedroom ten minutes later, they found everyone lounging on the bed in robes. The three belle amours, using baby voices, were cutely gushing over Romeo and Juliet while Wyatt tried to instruct them on proper etiquette and appropriateness. When they saw Konrad and Adam, Juliet leaped off the bed and speedily trotted across the room to greet them.
“Daddy Konrad,” asked Juliet with intense curiosity, “do you ever get stuck inside Mommy Bambi during reproduction rituals?”
Konrad hesitated a second and smiled. “Every chance I can get.”
Juliet looked up at Adam. “How about you, Uncle Adam. Do you ever get stuck inside Auntie Roxanne?”
Adam followed his brother’s lead and grinned. “Many times.”
Juliet trotted to Wyatt on the bed. “I don’t understand why you are so bashful talking about reproduction Ambassador Wyatt,” said Juliet incredulously. “Nobody else is.”
Romeo broke away from Heidi, hugging him.
“Juliet,” exclaimed Romeo, jumping up and down with an energetic epiphany, “maybe nobody has ever explained reproduction to Ambassador Wyatt. Maybe he’s still a virgin!”
The whole room suddenly doubled over in laughter except for Wyatt, who silently blushed three alternating shades of shock rouge, embarrassed crimson, and bite-your-lip purple.
Julie, Heidi, and Claire giggled as they draped themselves over their simmering toy.
“Honey, is that true?” asked Julie as she gently licked Wyatt’s ear. “Do you need some instruction on the facts of life?”
“No wonder he’s so shy in bed?” said Heidi exploring Wyatt’s other ear.
“Perhaps mon amour,” whispered Claire as she tousled his hair, “we should leave you alone to talk privately with the puppies.”
Romeo raised his nose to the air and lifted an eyebrow, “I smell pheromones.”
“Oh, my, look at the time,” intervened Konrad quickly. “As part of our deal with Eddie for his silence and discretion you four and the kids have to be ready for exclusive pictures and an interview in front of the Christmas Tree in two hours. So why don’t you four go take a shower and get ready. I’ll let Gretchen know what’s going on.”
Julie, Heidi, and Claire didn’t hesitate and tugged their Christmas toy off the bed and pushed him towards the shower, leaving behind a puzzled Juliet.
“That’s strange,” she whispered to Romeo. “Humans sure seem happy to take showers together.”
Konrad sat on the bed and motioned for Romeo and Juliet to sit between him and Adam.
“So,” asked Konrad as he pet Romeo, “how did you two know Eddie was hiding behind that tree?”
“Oh, from Erin,” responded Juliet. “She informed us exactly where to find him.”
“So, Erin put you up to it and left you holding the bag!” Adam chuckled.
“What bag, Uncle Adam?” asked Romeo in a panic. “There was no bag! Did we forget to get a bag to put the paparazzi in?”
“Now that’s just silly, Romeo,” scolded Juliet. “We don’t have hands, so how are we going to hold a bag? Were we going to ask the paparazzi to step inside and have him tie it up?”
Konrad grinned at Adam. “Gotta love puppies!”
Meanwhile, in the Gym
As Agent Thumper threw a tennis ball into the air, Romeo or Ms. Gorgeous would wait until the ball had bounced twice and then zap it. Sometimes they would vary the number of bounces to make it a little more interesting. That Romeo and Ms. Gorgeous never missed, surprised Secret Service Agent Thumper. Even when he put a twist on the ball’s spin so it would veer away when it hit the floor they still managed to follow, give it a lead and blow it out of the air triggering a flood of little robots, who seemed to emerge from everywhere to sweep up the mess.
>Blue Light<
Thirty feet in front of a startled Agent Thumper stood Commander Pinky in her gold and purple dress uniform, sizing him up. When Romeo and Ms. Gorgeous saw Commander Pinky appear, they galloped over and sat at attention in front of her.
“You two having fun?” growled their commander.
“Just getting in a little target practice, ma’am,” answered Romeo succinctly. “We want to keep our skills sharp!”
“Good work,” growled Commander Pinky. “Have you had any conversations with Agent Thumper about art yet? I understand he’s a big fan of Van Gogh.”
Two interested pairs of canine ears perked up. “Oh, reallllly?”
With Romeo and Ms. Gorgeous flanking her, Commander Pinky walked towards Agent Thumper.
She stopped five feet in front of him and held out a paw. “Hello, I am Commander Pinky. I am in charge of the Morgen family guard unit, The Order of the Golden Labrador. I am your head of overall security counterpart.”
Agent Thumper sized up Commander Pinky. “Then the stories from Paris are true? You’re a tiger”
“I may look like a tiger here, but on my world, we’re actually called H’eathens,” commented Pinky as she continued holding her paw in front of her. “If shaking hands is not your thing and you prefer a different method of introduction, we can always bat around a big ball of yarn between us.”
“Big ball of yarn?” said a confused Thumper.
Ms. Gorgeous couldn’t contain herself and laughed hilariously. “Look at his face, Romeo. John’s actually thinking about it!”
“Humans are so easy!” howled Romeo as he circled John.
“That’s enough out of you two,” admonished the commander gently.
Pinky smiled sincerely at the secret service agent. “Don’t worry, Agent Thumper, I don’t bite. That is unless you’re hostile. You’re not hostile, are you John?”
The agent raised his hand and shook Commander Pinky’s Paw.
“No, not hostile,” he said as he shook his head, “just trying to grasp the moment.”
“While we’re in the moment,” said Commander Pinky, “let’s try meeting someone else again.”
She pointed. Looking behind him, Agent Thumper saw Erin sitting on the other side of the gym waving at him. As the group walked towards Erin, Commander Pinky became curious.
“While we’re on the subject of introductions, has anyone seen Arby?”
At the Top of the Stairs
After the story about Romeo and Juliet, Heidi excused herself to go to the bathroom. At the top of the stairs, she met Claire coming out of the nursery.
“Claire—you French slut!” exclaimed Heidi softly as she pulled Claire aside in the hallway. “What on earth have you been doing?”
“I have no idea what you mean,” said Claire nonchalantly.
“I can smell it,” said Heidi, sniffing the air around Claire. “You and Wyatt have been fucking.”
“We weren’t fucking,” huffed an indignant Claire. “We were making our future little Simone. There’s a difference. Besides, he took me to his other house so that it wouldn’t take but a few seconds here.”
“You were doing that while the president was downstairs? How could you?” blurted Heidi. She looked up the stairs. “You didn’t tire out Wyatt, did you?”
“You tricky little German whore!” exclaimed Claire. “You’re really thinking about his tongue! How can you still be pretty? You’re six months pregnant. I know at six months I sure didn’t feel very pretty.”
“You know how it is,” said Heidi. “At six months, I can’t do much else but his tongue.”
“Mon Dieu, mon amie!” declared Claire squeezing Heidi’s breasts. “Your breasts are so full that when you la orgasm you’ll probably spray milk all over the room.”
Heidi stared at Claire for a moment. She smiled slightly. Finally, her entire face contorted at the thought of milk flying from her chest all over Wyatt and Heidi gave Claire a big hug.
“My giant French trollop, what would I do without you? You do know how to make me laugh sometimes.”
Heidi peered down the hallway again. “So, is Wyatt busy?”
Back in the Living Room
Claire rejoined the group just as the men signaled the women that they were ready, and Julie and Gretchen led everyone to the upper balcony for dinner.
“This table has such a beautiful view,” said Mallory as she took her place at the end of the table.
“Almost as beautiful as our place down the road,” joked Bambi.
“Both places were designed and built by Jeremy and Thomas,” said Julie, nodding her head towards the kitchen. “You might want to mention it to them next time they come out.”
<Blue Light>
Suddenly appearing at the end of the long dining room table intently studying President Bennett, stood what looked like a giant three-foot parrot shimmering in a rainbow of colors. On top of his head flowed a majestic crown of blue, orange and red feathers. Proudly, he shook his head in a large circle for maximum enjoyment by his audience while glancing around to confirm that everyone noticed his beauty. Leaning forward, the bird squinted at the eight surprised women sitting around the table.
“Did somebody forget to invite me to the party?” he squawked indignantly.
“What the hell is…” and then correcting herself. “Who is that?” asked President Bennett apprehensively as she watched the bird walk pompously towards her, swaying side to side so that his crown feathers swept back and forth for maximum appreciation by all onlookers.
“That’s reminder bird,” groaned Julie as she rolled her eyes to the ceiling, “or R.B., but we just call him, Arby. He works with Keiko and reminds the family of details we may have missed. Arby’s a master at analysis and organizational detail and is extremely helpful but he is also unfortunately, very, very inappropriate due to the unforeseen consequences of intertwining several types of non-human DNA that our friends haven’t been able to work out yet.”
Claire glared contemptuously at Arby as he pretentiously strolled towards them.
Stopping in front of Claire, Arby peered downward at her. “Uh oh. Somebody is grumpy and needs a ride on the Wyattmobile,” taunted Arby.
“Been there, done that already—you nosey little piece of feathered merde2,” growled Claire.
“And where was it this time?” teased Arby as he jabbed a wing at Claire. “Did you and Wyatt traumatize another bus driver in Budapest? You know if the E.U. ever finds out who la fantôme3 bus fuckers are they’ll have you and Wyatt arrested.”
The women around the table sympathetically watched Claire snarling at Arby, who pirouetted on the table with his wings outstretched.
“You’re just jealous,” taunted Arby, “because, even wearing your best gown, you can’t ever look as good as me. Next to the rags you wear, I always look fabulous.”
Claire took the bait and lunged for Arby with a fork while he gleefully scampered out of range.
“Somebody tell Dieter we need a good white wine!” shouted Claire as she rose from her chair. “Because fowl is on the menu tonight!”
“You wouldn’t do that,” stated Arby, confidently holding his head high while making sure Claire couldn’t reach him. “I’m a sentient being. Remember you’re a Lesbian citizen now and under their laws all sentient beings have rights.”
“Only while they’re alive,” said Claire as she ominously curled her index finger in Arby’s direction. “Here delicious birdy, birdy, birdy.”
Trying not to laugh while empathizing with Claire, Julie jumped from her seat and gently restrained her insulted French wife.
Claire stuck out her tongue at Arby.
“You should be grateful Julie’s here,” she said petulantly. “Otherwise you’d be in a creamy dumpling stew surrounded by champignons.”4
Julie turned to a highly entertained President Bennett. “They’re just playing.”
“Not today!” scowled Claire as she pointed. “That crude merde crossed a line this time, Julie. No one insults the L’otarie brand.”
Claire showed her nails and took a cat-like swipe in the air at Arby while he hissed at her. As Julie coaxed Claire back into her seat, Arby discovered Leslie. Leaning forward as far as he could, he thoroughly eyed her unapproved-of-by-her mother-cleavage.
“Hey baby, are those pheromones I smell in there for me?” he asked. “Because you are definitely setting my tail feathers on fire.”
The table of women frowned at Arby. Leslie, highly embarrassed, blushed a bright shade of crimson while her mother smugly smiled.
Growling, Leslie leaned into Arby… “All you need is a couple of cheesy gold chains around your neck that I could strangle you with.”
Leslie looked across the table. “Hey Claire, what do you think?” she asked. “He can’t be any different from cooking a turkey at Thanksgiving.”
Arby spun around with his wings extended, and the feathers on his head flying. “Gold chains couldn’t make this look any better, baby,” he said with a flair of his wing.
He pivoted towards Mallory. “How about you, Madame President?” asked Arby, raising his brow up and down.
“Care to take a long walk on the beach with a very smart bird?” he propositioned as he winked. “Let’s lose these party poopers and go tango in the full moon tonight.”
President Bennett stood and ruffled the feathers on top of Arby’s head. “I would pretty birdy, but I am so worried,” said President Bennett pitifully frowning “I have a lot on my mind.”
“Worried about what?” inquired an interested Arby as he enjoyed her stroking through his head feathers.
“Oh, you wouldn’t be interested,” said President Bennett.
“Interested is my middle name,” swooned Arby, enjoying her fingers. “You know how to treat a pretty birdy right. Tell me your troubles, gorgeous lady.”
“Well, ok,” answered President Bennett, seeming reluctant. “I’m really concerned about the Russian troops building up on the Lithuanian frontier. I’m unsure of whether they pose a threat to NATO forces in the area.”
Arby’s analytical DNA kicked in. “Hmm, good question,” he mused. “Ok, ma’am, I’ll have a full report on your desk by tomorrow morning.”
“Would you?” said a delighted President Bennett. “That would be so, so wonderful of you. You are such a sweet and pretty birdy.”
“Finally,” said Arby happily as he looked around at the other women, “someone in this place who finally appreciates the true elegance of moi.”
>Blue Light<
…and Arby disappeared.
President Bennett smiled as she looked at the other ladies. “I think I’m getting this hang of this household.”