Out upon it, I have lov’d
Three whole days together;
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair weather.
—“Constancy,” John Suckling
BUSY PEOPLE ARE PRONE to convincing themselves that they “don’t have time for sex.” The time has come to set sexual satisfaction at the top of your to-do list; there is simply no more gratifying and effective way to counteract stress and lighten the pressure of heavy workloads while bettering the quality of your intimate relations! Whether you are living in the fast lane or managing a family with children, the real issue of time is not how little you have whittled down for personal pleasures but how you make the time for things that really matter.
Time invested in the Sexual Ceremony is invaluable. When we are sexually appeased, we are in greater harmony with ourselves and, therefore, with our partners (and, for that matter, everyone around us). Our energy levels are higher, and we emanate a seductive, radiant glow as we move more positively through the world.
Asian philosophies of erotic loving can also be a source of inspiration. The Taoists suggest practicing the sexual union as often and for as long as possible, and Tantric texts encourage seven days and seven nights of erotic loving. While dedicating one whole day, much less a week, to the sexual ritual is rarely feasible in the real lives of most Westerners, deeply intimate and emotionally involved lovers who became skilled in the arts of the Sexual Ceremony find that doing just that becomes not only a possibility but also a pleasurable necessity—a Paradisiacal calling!
The Sexual Ceremony may last for as long as you wish, but prepare to dedicate a minimum of three hours for its elaboration. Though three hours may seem like too much time to invest in mere sexual revelry, in reality you will discover that it is just time enough to initiate and begin the unveiling of your body’s pleasure potential. This being said, however, the Sexual Ceremony should never be treated as a test of endurance or a performance—it is a sacred voyage into the pleasure realm, a luxurious escape from reality.
To put the concept of a ritual tempo into perspective, as well as intent, consider the gradual unfolding of Chaji—the formal Japanese tea ceremony. Just like any other exquisitely perfect ritual, Chaji is organized thoughtfully in advance of the actual ceremony. Once the door of the teahouse has been shut with a bang to signal that all guests are present, the first phase of the ceremony commences. Before participants find their places, they admire the artwork that represents the chosen theme and helps set the tone of the ritual. A formal meal is served with three different kinds of tea. During the ceremony, the guests discuss and elaborate on the chosen theme, refraining from conversing about everyday life. Every element that is used to create this refined ritual, which can last for four hours or more, is carefully selected with the intent to guide guests into a timeless ritual dimension.
No matter how long a Sexual Ceremony lasts or how many phases comprise its ecstatic evolution, having an approximate idea of its duration before it commences will determine the manner in which the ritual space should be prepared, the range of tools and techniques that might be explored, and the intensity of the sensations that may be provided. The broader our sexual repertoires become, the more organic the extension of our ritual playtimes will be. Once we have learned how to abandon ourselves completely to the ritual dimension, the hours of pleasure will slip away ecstatically. Put aside sexual “goals” and revel in a timeless flow of adult playtime—the resulting sense of sexual satisfaction and deep fulfillment will radiate from within for days.
Whether lovers plan to transcend reality for a few hours or for a few days, forethought primes both partners—it is the prelude to greater pleasures than ever before experienced. The moment that the time, date, and place for the ceremony are confirmed, positive effects will begin to manifest. Clear your calendar, call the baby-sitter, and prepare to disappear into the temple.
The first phase of the ceremony actually commences when the time and date are confirmed. Preliminaries build anticipation even before the moment you actually unite with your lover. That tension alone may be enough to instigate your erotic worship when you finally come face-to-face in the temple of your choosing, but if you feel self-conscious or nervous at first, share a glass of champagne, a spicy drink, or a plate of fruit to initiate the ritual and help you shift into the ceremonial dimension. Make contact with your partner; if you or your lover are still tense or preoccupied with the worries of the world, relax with a massage while you talk about your erotic wishes: Will it be to explore a new tool or technique? To make love the good old-fashioned way? Or to engage in a light bondage session or tickle ritual?
Explore each other as if it is the first time you have ever had the privilege to do so, and, above all, let your bodies guide you throughout the hours that constitute every tantalizing phase of the Sexual Ceremony. Once the ceremony has progressed, those lovers who enjoy testing and “pushing” their limits may choose to explore the potentially more intense sensations provided by techniques like bondage, erotic flagellation, temperature play (discussed throughout the chapters in “Transcendental Techniques”), and anal penetration (described in the chapter “The Anthems of Anal Sex: From Hygiene to Heavenly Pleasures”). There are no rules as to how the phases will evolve nor how long they last, but the final outcome of each session (and thus the Sexual Ceremony as a whole) will be blissfully bolstered if the sensations introduced escalate gradually to more intense variations. Unless your lover needs intense sensations in order to perceive pleasure, techniques that push limits should be reserved for the (very) well aroused and practiced once the ceremony is well under way.
If you are engaging in a longer ceremony and choose to explore full-body techniques with their respective tools, experiment with the sensational effects that are generated when lovers keep to one role, that of provider (the “top”) or receiver (the “bottom”) of sensations, for the duration of one of the phases that comprise the Sexual Ceremony. In a later session, partners may decide to alternate roles, once the bottom has reveled in and descended from the inebriating effects of his or her top’s generosity. Do note that whether or not you decide to stick to roles for the duration of a session, providing too many sensations in the same session is likely to create more sensory confusion than pleasure, while exploring a given few sensations to their fullest extent will ensure that the ritual keeps its momentum. It is the quality of the sensations that counts, not the quantity.
The shorter the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, the more important it is to keep things simple and limit the intensity of the sensations to be explored. If you or your partner is a novice, refrain from the practice of more extreme techniques until you have developed a comfortable degree of trust in each other. And remember that sex is not a test of endurance, nor is it a performance!
Also important to remember is that the increased activity of the endocrine system caused by the crescendo of pleasure creates a surge of hormones and endorphins that not only heightens our perceptions and therefore our joie du sexe, but also alters our state of consciousness and therefore our decision-making capacities. So no matter how “naturally high” you become, how long you play, and how intense the ritual becomes, respect the limits that you established at the start. I guarantee this will keep erotic tension high, preserve mystery between new partners, and avoid your having any regrets once the ceremony is over. Respect for boundaries also increases the likelihood that partners will continue to explore and “push” their limits once again at a later date.
Being “in the moment” and aware of your lover’s reactions is as much a part of being a good lover as being able to abandon yourself wholly to pleasure. Lovers who are mentally and physically present reap extravagant pleasures on their journeys to and from Paradise. Being aware of each other’s responses and reactions is the best guide to Paradise Found!
If your lover is making you swoon, let him or her know. If there is a little something he or she can do to enhance your pleasure, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Guide your lover, verbally and physically, if you need them to go harder … softer … deeper … faster.
Most of us were trained in our youth to suppress, control, and hide our emotions, especially when our feelings had anything to do to with sex. Therefore it is not surprising that many adults take this failure to communicate to bed. But while reading our partner’s body language is important, nothing can replace clear and honest verbal communication throughout the progression of the Sexual Ceremony. Depending on the personality of your partner, you can be straightforward or persuasively subtle; communication is an art, and sexual communication is a further refinement of this art.
When lovers are exploring more intense sensations, open communication prevents accidents, avoids emotional outbursts, and keeps both psychological and physical boundaries clear. It also allows partners to map out the sensual geography of each other’s bodies. Staying informed on the changes in the landscape is crucial to the journey to enhanced pleasure.
When enticing your lover, and inevitably yourself, into the arms of ecstasy, remain aware of his or her responses to your ecstatic attentions. Make harmonious transitions from one body zone to another, as jumping haphazardly from one kind of stimulation or body zone to another at random will make it very difficult for him or her to focus on and enjoy the sensations that you are providing. According to the Taoist of loving, lack of control, lack of attention, and lack of harmony are all synonymous with lack of sexual skill. Giving—and receiving—pleasure requires mental focus.
When providing subtle or feathery sensations, especially if you are concentrating on one specific area of the body, avoid letting your lover slip into a state of sensory boredom by varying the degree of contact. In the case that your lover is already warmed up, and you have progressed to the administration of more direct or intense degrees of stimulation, you should be all the more aware of their response to your generous attention.
Alternate the rhythm and the degree of contact that you provide in accordance with response to make certain that the sensations are leading to ever more intense degrees of pleasure. If at any time your partner resists or rejects or even recoils from the sensations that you are providing, interpret it as a clear signal to lessen the impact of your strokes, slow down, or divert your attention to a less sensitized area of the body. If your partner melts under your touch and goes into an erotic trance, continue doing exactly what you are doing; let them soar on the transformative effects that deep pleasure bestows upon body, mind, and spirit.
When performed in the ritual context, the administration as well as the reception of sexual sensations induces a trancelike meditative state. But this transcendental quality is less likely to manifest if partners try to explore too many different kinds of sensations at the same time. By exercising restraint and limiting the number of tools, techniques, and sensations to be explored, lovers will avoid sensory confusion and the risk of breaking the erotic trance. Remember that building sexual tension to transcendental heights takes time, and the longer the sexual ceremony lasts, the more intense the sensations become, and the greater the final impact of your ritual endeavor.
During lengthy ceremonies, your bodies will naturally signal for intermissions. The time that you dedicate to recuperation might include acts of necessity, such as eating, bathing, getting a breath of fresh air, and even deep sleep—all crucial to the positive evolution of lengthy ceremonies. Tension and fatigue render us physically and psychologically less receptive to stimulation—when we are fresh, our sensory faculties are more tuned in and thus well disposed. Recuperation rituals should be considered in a ritualized context in order to perpetuate, not interrupt, the flux of the sexual vibration. Partners should refrain from the temptation to converse about the problems and worries of everyday existence. Doing so will disrupt the rapture of the ceremonial dimension.
Lastly, the higher lovers fly on the inebriating effects of Eros, the longer it will take them to come down from the body’s natural love drugs. Allow sufficient time to descend from your endorphin high before returning to reality. This is essential to the positive outcome of the Sexual Ceremony.
One essential element in the elaboration of the Sexual Ceremony is the preparation of the body. A hygiene ritual can be performed to honor all of the senses and transform the body into the stage for sexual pleasure. Envision that you are preparing a canvas upon which to express the arts of ecstasy.
A hot bath, or a shower, which tends to be more energizing, helps to reduce inhibitions and heighten sexual self-confidence. The skin is the body’s largest organ, and when dead cells are allowed to build up on its surface, they create a barrier that inhibits the body’s capacity to purify itself efficiently through the skin’s pores. Using an exfoliating mitt or sponge or a granulated scrub to clear the pores and prompt circulation to the skin’s surface and so enhance the perception of touch.
Like no other method, the steam sauna will eliminate toxins from the body and establish an overall sense of cleanliness, physically and mentally. Dedicating an hour per week to yourself in the sauna will keep body, soul, and mind primed for the reception of sensations. Brave the cold showers or icy pools of water that are available in most spas, as they serve to enhance the circulation of blood throughout your body. When performed within twenty-four hours of the ceremony’s commencement, the sauna will notably increase your receptivity to intimate contact.
Remember that whether or not you include anal pleasures in your play, anal cleanliness is a critical aspect of genital hygiene. Anal health and pleasure merits a chapter of its own: “The Anthems of Anal Sex: From Hygiene to Heavenly Pleasures.” Note that while the genital area perspires more than any other zone of the body, and proper hygiene is important, overzealous, aggressive, or too frequent cleaning with scented detergents is likely to cause irritation to this delicate area of the entire body.
When a longer ceremony is planned, bathing and showering can be integrated into its progression. The recuperative pleasures of washing may be shared, and it is a great way for new partners to discover each other intimately. Let every trace of reality be washed away as your partner’s soapy hands glide over your body—then return the favor.
Whether the bathing is performed as an event, an initiation into the ceremony, as an intermission, or as a way to terminate a long day of sexual worship, try finishing up the ritual with a cold genital rinse. If that sounds too shocking, recall that cold water invites blood to circulate and so keeps the genitals toned and ready for action. Once you have patted your clean skin dry, stroke each other from head to toe with a hydrating lotion or body oil.
As perfume and other scented body products may camouflage your natural pheromones, I advise that neither those nor underarm deodorant be used during the ceremony. The underarms are delectable area of the body to explore with your mouth, and there are few things as distasteful and distracting than the taste and feel of deodorant on your tongue! Your “scent aura,” secreted by various glands (a number of which reside in the genital area), is a natural aphrodisiac that is to be respected as a precious elixir for the magical phenomenon of attraction.
The way that we take care of our hands and feet is a reflection of our overall hygiene; personal hygiene rituals should regularly include attention to these extremities. Reflexologists, masseurs, and acupuncturists consider both hands and feet to be gateways to the entire body, so keep this in mind when you kiss and stroke your lover’s extremities with erotic intent. They are charged with millions of nerve endings.
Another preliminary that may be performed before you arrive in the temple is the removal of body hair. Most women depilate their legs and their underarms, as well as remove traces of facial hair, for aesthetic purposes. In addition to keeping beards in check, many men today remove hair from their backs and chest, and some have adopted what was once known as a predominantly female practice, that of pubic preening.
While not everyone practices hair removal, some people go as far as to remove all of the hair from their bodies. Pubic depilation has been used by many cultures, past and present, for aesthetic as well as for sanitary reasons. Pubic hair removal was once believed to prevent the transmission of parasites, as well as sexually transmitted disease. Though we know today that this is not true, pubic hair does create a tactile barrier and acts as a trap for love juices. Its removal, therefore, can evoke a sense of cleanliness and provide for increased sensitivity and more direct contact.
The preference for a shaved pubic mound is also known as “acomoclitism.” While some men and women continue to prefer the “bush” effect that was popular in the 1970s, increasingly more women and some men find partial, if not total removal, of hair from the pubic mound and the surrounding areas sexually appealing.
Today there are more ways to remove hair from the body than the Greco-Romans ever dreamed of. Alongside the classic razor blade, there are a variety of foams, gels, creams, and waxes, as well as lasers and electrolysis to remove hair permanently. In North Africa, traditional steam baths often include an area dedicated specifically to hair removal. It is more often than not performed with a ball of honey and beeswax. The most primitive, painful, yet painstaking form of hair removal is tweezing. Most people would consider pubic hair removal with tweezers a form of torture, but some people enjoy the sedative effects that it provides once the initial adrenaline rush subsides. And, strangely enough, until the second half of the twentieth century, the plucking of “pubes” with tweezers was used as a treatment for hysteria!
Ladies who prefer the Brazilian hot-wax method of hair removal report heightened levels of desire afterward. Most women find the process excruciating, but they deal with it because the pain is momentary; others claim to reach orgasm during the process. Everyone’s threshold for pain is different, and, like it or not, waxing leaves you feeling slick, silky, and ready for intimate attention.
Any method that pulls the hair away at its root, like waxing or tweezing, brings blood rushing to the surface of the skin, and this renders the area very receptive to touch. It might not be appropriate, however, to those with very delicate skin. Electrolysis and lasers are techniques that also do not suit those who suffer from hypersensitivity.
When pubic hair removal is performed in the context of the sexual ceremony, razors are the best solution. They can make a strong psychological impact, especially if the razor in question is an open, or straight-blade, razor also known as a cutthroat razor. Unless you are skilled and at ease with this tool in hand, however, do not use it on someone else, as it is a potentially dangerous instrument.
If you and your partner practice pubic preening as part of the shared pleasures of the sexual ceremony, the person to be shaved should lie on his or her back, with knees bent and legs open as wide as possible. The position will fully expose the vulva or the testicles and it serves to pull the skin of the genitals and the surrounding area tight, allowing for a particularly close and safer shave. The position is obviously a vulnerable one, and it could be a source of humiliation; some lovers may actually enjoy this aspect of the ceremonial shave, though others will not appreciate the emotions it evokes.
Preparing the body and mind for pleasure is sexually empowering, and ritual preening is a titillating part of the preliminaries or a rejuvenating intermission in the Sexual Ceremony. It dissolves inhibitions, fosters receptivity, and cultivates the heightened pleasures that lie ahead.