Earlier I suggested that a couple be required to have at least six sessions of premarital counseling. Here is how those sessions are organized: During the sessions the pastor or counselor meets with both partners. On some occasions you may want to see them individually, but usually they are together. Sometimes individual sessions may be necessary because of emotional difficulties discovered through testing.
The counseling setting is very important. Your office or a study at home could be used if there is sufficient privacy and a homey, informal atmosphere. Freedom from interruptions is crucial; make arrangements to prevent people from walking into the room, knocking on the door, and calling on the phone. When you and the couple sit near each other in easy chairs, an informal setting is created that helps alleviate the couple’s anxieties.
Premarital counseling is highly structured, but great flexibility can occur within the structure. The number of sessions, content, assignments, and evaluative tests are set (see next chapter), but changes and additions will occur with almost each couple because of their unique issues.
The basic structure for premarital counseling follows this pattern:
1. Couples should contact the church several months in advance of the time they are planning to wed. At that time arrangements will be made to begin the process of premarital preparation. No date is placed on the church calendar at this time.
2. There will be a minimum of six one-hour sessions with the individual couple prior to the wedding and one session nine months to a year following the wedding.
3. In larger churches there might also be a number of group premarital classes conducted at the same time as the individual. An alternative to this is using the video series “Before You Say I Do.”
4. There will be one meeting between the premarital couple and a selected married couple for the purpose of interviewing this couple about their own marriage.
The basic structure of the premarital counseling suggested in this book is six one-hour sessions before the wedding plus one session three to six months after the wedding. Some counselors may ask, “How do we fill all of that time?” The problem is actually just the opposite—sometimes the time allotted is not sufficient to cover all the material. (I find now that I often need at least seven sessions.)
Other readers might react by saying, “I marry twenty to thirty couples a year. What you’re suggesting could amount to two hundred hours. Where do I get that time, with everything else I have to do?”
It is true that counseling takes time. However, it might be well for each minister to regularly analyze his use of time. Sometimes our gifts and abilities are not being used to their best advantage. It is very easy in the ministry to become overwhelmed with tasks that have little to do with a real ministry to people. Often it comes down to a matter of priority; we do what we feel is important. Premarital counseling is one of the most important opportunities for ministry.
There are several ways to approach the problem of time. One is to restructure one’s use of time so that counseling takes a higher priority and other activities are delegated. When we keep adding ministries to our already busy schedule and fail to relinquish or delegate some, a number of difficulties arise. (See Ex. 18 and Num. 11; note the difficulty Moses experienced because he had not delegated responsibilities to others.)
The answer is to develop a support team of qualified, committed, and trained lay individuals or couples to conduct the very same type of premarital counseling that you present to couples.
In many churches mature individuals and couples have the capabilities to become helpers in the ministry of premarital preparation. Some could serve as teachers in the class sessions and others can be trained to conduct the actual premarital sessions, including using the various tests and evaluation forms. Numerous churches are currently involved in this ministry. The entire field of lay counseling has been expanding over the past decade. Involving lay people is very effective.
In general, lay or paraprofessional helpers have shown a level of effectiveness comparable to professionals, according to many outcome studies reported in the literature. A recent issue of the Journal of Psychology highlights the effectiveness of using lay counselors and concludes that current research findings show that lay or paraprofessional counselors are, in general, as effective as professionals in helping people with their problems.1
The main question is: How do you train lay people to conduct premarital counseling? I recommend a six-step format for each person participating in the training.
First, announce to your congregation that you are looking for individuals or couples who are interested in considering this ministry. You may want to approach personally some people of known ability and empathy. Be sure to let everyone know that not all who are interested or take the training will be selected, as everyone will be going through a screening and supervision process. Some of those interested will drop out as they become aware of the requirements, and you will find some who are not really capable of counseling others. Any person or couple involved in this ministry must reflect a healthy, growing marriage themselves. The fifth step in the training (see below) will give you information about each person that will aid you in the selection process.
Second, have each person read this resource. Meet with the group to discuss what was read and answer questions.
The third step requires the potential counselors read each of the books recommended for premarital couples and listen to each of the tape series.
The fourth step involves each person completing the same tests the premarital couple will complete: The Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, the Family History Analysis, and PREPARE II. It would be best to use the Enrich form of PREPARE for your group as it will assist them in evaluating their own marriage. In addition to these I would encourage you to have each person complete the “Marital Assessment Inventory,” another assessment tool that will assist a couple in looking at the strengths and weaknesses of their marriage.2 Make time to go over the results of these tests with the individual or couple.
Fifth, if you plan to have your lay counselors use any of the tests in their counseling, set aside the time to train them in the use of PREPARE II and the Family History Analysis. Each of these comes with an instructional manual. Some of your people may have the necessary educational background to participate in training lay people to use the T-JTA. The training couple can take the survey measurements themselves. If they participate in a seminar or if you have used this extensively for several years yourself, you could provide some of their instruction and they could use them under your supervision. Furthermore, if you have the audio tapes of a seminar you attended, you may also use these.
The final step is for the lay counselors to observe live counseling sessions. This is the most important part of the training. For years in my graduate classes at Talbot Theological Seminary and Biola University I have conducted premarital counseling with a couple in front of my students. The class size has varied from thirty to eighty students, yet none of the couples was inhibited or bothered by being observed. After each session the couple left and for the next hour we would analyze the session and deal with questions. Over the years students have continued to comment about the impact and effectiveness of that approach.
There are three ways to conduct such counseling-observation sessions:
1. Have an individual or couple observe you in your office as you lead the premarital session for a couple. Naturally you need to have the couple’s permission. To ease any discomfort the couple might have, I have given them the freedom to ask the class members any questions they would like, and the class must respond. You may want to do this in your session as well.
2. Conduct your premarital counseling in front of all those being trained. Be sure to leave time for analysis of the session with your group. It may be helpful to tape-record the sessions so that you can refer to specific situations or issues if needed.
3. Use the series of video training tapes titled “Helping Couples Resolve Marital Conflicts.” This is a series of actual marital sessions with couples, and the counseling is conducted by this author. There are two videos for each session. One contains selected scenes from the session, which are left open ended so that those watching can respond to questions in their participant’s manual. Once they have viewed all of these scenes, you can present the second video, which contains the complete session together with the counselor’s responses. Though this series is on marital counseling, it will also help the participants learn about the counseling process.3
As noted in chapter 2, the premarital program at Grace Community Church in California uses lay couples for much of its premarital counseling. The church’s approach in training the couples is similar to the program just described. The couples are instructed in a class setting and have the opportunity to observe six sessions of actual premarital counseling. Class members are trained to counsel both on an individual and group basis. This is encouraging to see and hopefully multitudes of churches, large and small, will begin to employ more lay people in their counseling ministry.
Once the reading, listening, and observing has been completed, you can make your selection of those you would like to have minister to engaged couples. I would encourage you to give them one couple at a time until they become more proficient. It is important to schedule some sessions where all the lay helpers can meet together with you to discuss their cases and concerns. Supervision is a necessity until those conducting the counseling are comfortable and have refined their skills.
The pastor-counselor must educate the congregation concerning the pastor’s policy of premarital counseling task; this education process could take a full year. Through the pulpit, classes, the church newsletter, and the bulletin, the pastoral staff has the opportunity to educate the congregation concerning the importance of marriage and the family and to describe in detail what is covered in premarital counseling. People in many congregations have expressed the wish that premarital counseling had been available to them years before.
On the other hand, some will resent a mandatory program and will threaten to go elsewhere for their wedding and perhaps even find another church home. That is their choice. If they so decide, the pastor should not allow himself to be manipulated and pressured into lowering his standards. Too often it has been too easy to be married within the local church. A couple must be willing to take time to adequately prepare for marriage. Through a consistent program such as this, the community and the people in the congregation will come to a deeper level of respect for the ministry of the church.
It is also true that a pastor may have fewer weddings under his new policy. But those he does have will be significant. Robert Dulin, Jr., expressed this standard in his excellent address at the Congress on the Family in 1975 when he said, “Pastors should refuse to sell the birthright of their ministry to nurture marriages for the pottage of conducting a wedding. The church’s ministry is not to conduct weddings. Its ministry is to nurture marriages, before marriage and during marriage. If couples cannot make a commitment to nurture their marriage prior to the event, then the church should say we cannot have your marriage solemnized here.”
Some board members or relatives of members of the church may ask for a special dispensation in the case of their own young person. A son who is home on leave from the army for a week wants to get married; a couple where there is a pregnancy wants a quick and quiet wedding. Many other unique circumstances will arise. Couples involved in these situations are usually in even greater need of counseling and preparation than the ordinary couple, and they too should complete the total program of premarital counseling.
Part of the process of educating the congregation will be to give periodic reminders about the steps involved in scheduling a wedding at the church. Couples should consider starting their counseling at the time of engagement or, in some cases, prior to engagement. It is best to conduct the counseling no later than four to six months before the wedding.
There are two reasons for this. One is that the counseling lasts six to eight weeks, since the sessions are a week or ten days apart. The second reason for starting counseling early is that the wedding date is not put on the church calendar when the couple first calls the church. The pastor waits until he feels that he favors the marriage and that he can conduct the wedding: at that point the couple can go ahead and set the date on the church calendar. That may occur after two sessions or, for some, after five. A couple may ask to have a date on the calendar held for them, with the clear understanding that this does not constitute setting the date officially
Undertaking the counseling does not automatically ensure the couple that the wedding will be performed. The pastor will have several criteria to use in making this determination. (They will be discussed later.) With that approach, couples will soon learn to make their plans well in advance. That has advantages for the entire church.
If several churches in a community would adopt this approach, couples would soon begin to see how deeply the church values the marriage relationship and how important the preparation is.
Most pastors ask two common questions concerning standards in marrying couples who have come for counseling: Do we marry just Christians, or do we become involved with non-Christians? What about those who have been divorced?
A pastor will have two Christians coming to be married, two non-Christians, and one Christian and one non-Christian. One cannot assume that just because two believers are involved the marriage should occur automatically. A Christian profession alone is not sufficient. And that is what the premarital counseling is all about—making that determination.
A counselor should strongly advise a couple to postpone the marriage if they are immature, have unrealistic expectations about marriage, have low motivation to complete the assignments during counseling, and cannot adapt or change. Some couples might be urged not to marry at all.
A counselor also should consider several questions during the evaluation. Here are several to help a counselor establish criteria for marrying or not marrying.
Are any legal requirements being violated, such as license, consent of parents for minors, health test, or waiting period? Are any of your own church requirements being ignored?
Do these persons give frivolous reasons for wanting to get married? Is one (or both) entering marriage under duress?
Are they so immature mentally and emotionally that they do not understand the meaning of the vows or give reasonable promise of fulfilling them?
Are there indications that they do not intend to fulfill their marriage vows?
Are there any serious mental, emotional, physical, or other handicaps that might endanger their marriage? Have those been adequately understood, accepted, and dealt with insofar as possible?
Is there such marked personality incompatibility that the need for psychological testing is indicated?
Some pastors favor a brief preliminary session with the couple to discuss their spiritual life. Whether this is done prior to the onset of the actual premarital counseling or during the first session is up to the individual counselor.
The Scriptures clearly forbid the uniting of a believer and an unbeliever in marriage (see 2 Cor. 6:14); this would be the standard for refusing to perform the ceremony. As a couple comes for the interview where this information is shared, the pastor’s response in love and concern and his high regard for the scriptural teaching could make an impression upon the unbeliever so that the door for discussion remains open. This is an opportunity for evangelism. Yet if one does make a response at this time it is important to spend time with the person to eliminate the possibility that it was a pseudoprofession designed to get the pastor to conduct the wedding.
It is very difficult to judge motives. The pastor dealing with a premarital conversion should engage the person in a thorough discussion of the meaning of a commitment to Christ. He should watch for external evidence that indicates a change of life.
If a person does respond to the claim of the gospel, he or she should be guided into a group that will assist him or her in the Christian life. In many such cases the wedding date, if it is relatively close at hand, might be postponed in order to let the new convert grow in the faith. That growth is especially important for men because of the biblical concept of the leadership role of the Christian husband. If both partners are at a similar level in their Christian walk it is easier for them to grow together and study together.
The pastor should be satisfied that both the man and the woman are believers in Jesus Christ. The biblical standard must remain the guide for the church. Wayne Oates vividly summarizes the church’s position:
Marriage under the auspices of the church is an institution ordained of God, blessed by Christ’s presence, and subject to the instruction of the Holy Spirit. This is what is meant when a church says it will not “join any person together other than as God’s Word doth allow.” If there is any other standard, the church is consciously yoking two people together unequally. The Christian experience of regeneration is a necessary prerequisite for a congregation’s participating in a Christian wedding through the ministry of its pastor. God has not promised that even a Christian marriage will be free of tribulation. However, when a church joins couples together apart from the Christian faith, it shares the responsibility for any future failure of the marriage for the very reason it did not communicate the redemptive transforming love of Christ at the time of the wedding.
One very real objection can legitimately be raised here. Some people say that a pastor and a congregation can marry a couple, even if one or both may not be Christians, with the hope that by being kind at this point, by doing things they may want it to do, it will have an opportunity later to win them to Christ. However, being kind to people does not necessarily consist of doing what they want done. It may even be the deepest sod of unkindness. Furthermore, there is always suspicion of the wisdom of the man or woman who marries with an eye to “reforming” the mate. If this is true of the couple’s individual relationship to each other, it certainly is true of the relationship of the pastor and the church to them. When a church offers the services of its pastor with a view to the couple’s being changed at some later date, it forthwith misrepresents reality to the couple.4
Pastors are divided over the question of what to do for couples when both claim to be unbelievers. Such a couple seeks a church wedding not to reflect their commitment to Christ but because of sentiment, status, or because the church represents the place to be married. Some pastors agree to perform this service for a couple, acting more as an agent of the state than as a minister of the gospel. The ceremony is usually held in the pastor’s study and does not involve a regular church wedding. The content of this ceremony includes only what is necessary to fulfill the law. Yet it seems that this function could be performed by a justice of the peace. The pastor’s time should be committed to bringing people to Christ and building strong, enriched marriages; time available for weddings should be reserved for believers.
A Christian wedding involves vows taken before God, scriptural teaching and references that pertain to Christians, a blessing and benediction from God upon the husband and wife, a time of testimony to their faith in Christ, a commitment to build their marriage upon biblical teachings, and a time of celebration and praise. It should also be a time when those who attend the celebration are asked to uphold the couple in prayer and encouragement. Is it possible that nonbelievers could honestly go through this type of ceremony? Could a pastor honestly lead them through it?
When unbelieving couples ask for a wedding, those reasons can be clearly and lovingly explained. The pastor could also suggest that they continue meeting to explore together the meaning of the Christian faith. Some will respond, but some will never return; they will seek a place where their request will be honored. If a couple remains and professes faith in Christ, then the process of Christian growth begins, and a wedding is a possibility in the future.
In an article entitled “Church Weddings Are Not for Everyone,” Pastor Grant Swank, Jr., expressed his philosophy:
I will not perform the wedding ceremony for persons who are not, both by profession and by practice, Christians. Because of this, I have been regarded by some as a strange sort of clerical animal, unkind at best, cruel at worst. Yet no matter what the reaction, my convictions are firm.
How did I reach this position? Partly through the realization that a very large percentage of the marriages I had performed had ended in divorce! At the outset of my ministry, I married any couple who asked me to do so. I counseled them before the wedding. Courtesies were exchanged among all concerned. The manners were well polished both in the study and in the sanctuary. However, often something disastrous happened after all the hoopla died down. As time passed—in some cases only a brief time—the vows and prayers of the ceremony were forgotten, and the marriage crumbled.
This happened time and time again among those who had little or no real spiritual commitment to begin with. I was pressed to the conclusion that I was wrong in officiating at a wedding of two unbelievers.
The more I thought about it, the more it seemed a charade. Was I called of God to perform marriages for people in the house of the Lord when those persons had not committed their lives to the Lord? Was I to say prayers for two people who did not pray? Was I to read passages from the Bible to a bride and groom knowing full well that they did not intend to build their home upon that Bible? Was I to ask these two people to utter their promises in the presence of Jesus when they did not regard Jesus as the Lord of their lives? Was I to conclude the ceremony by earnestly beseeching God’s blessing upon their new life together when they were not founding that life on the rock of salvation? They gave the Almighty only a nod of attention day in and day out: but on their special day, I, the man of God, was to call forth heavenly beatitudes upon their future.
Enough of this, I decided. I was being used. God was being used. The church and the truths the church stood for were being used. What the couples wanted out of it all was the beauty of the sanctuary, the noble sound of the organ, the dignified image of the clergyman, the luxury and respectability of a “church wedding.”
What if I allowed a person to be baptized, knowing full well that he did not profess Jesus as Saviour? What if I told the congregation that anyone could receive communion, whether or not he was committed to Christ? What if I accepted into church membership anyone, no matter what he thought about the doctrines of the body of Christ? I would be asked to leave my pulpit. The governing session of the congregation would not stand for a minister with such a loose regard for those things held sacred. Yet I could go on year after year performing weddings that apparently were little more than hollow recitations of time-honored words.
My conclusion jelled when I reread in a new light the plain words of Second Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be mismated with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (RSV).* I realized that I had been partner to “mismating.” I had joined light with darkness. And I had more times than not joined darkness with darkness.
Now when I perform a wedding, it is a time for genuine rejoicing in the Spirit of God. All persons gathered in the sanctuary know that the two being brought together are dedicated to the Lord. What a glad time it is, and what a peaceful time for me, the officiating clergyman! My prayers are sent to God with a new sense of earnestness. The Scriptures are read to the worshipers with the knowledge that the bride and groom have grounded their lives upon the Book. The vows are taken with the understanding that God is entering as a third party into those promises. And my conscience is clear before all concerned….
Some fellow ministers ask if I am missing witnessing opportunities because of my policy. But I do have an opportunity to witness. When asked to marry a couple, I invite them to come for a talk. When we meet I confront them with the forgiveness and new life that Jesus offers, asking them if they will become disciples of the Lord. At that moment the encounter with God is established. If they respond negatively, then I kindly state that I can go no further, for my first obligation is to see that they are saved. If they refuse that salvation, then I cannot in good conscience proceed.
If they respond positively, then I congratulate them, pray for them, give them a Bible and Christian literature, tell them of the times of our church services, and invite them to attend. And I tell them that six months hence I will be glad to perform their wedding if they are still living daily for Christ, are active in the church, are spending time in prayer and Scripture reading.
The divorce rate keeps on increasing. One out of three marriages in the country ends in divorce (two out of three in California). But according to a study cited by Billy Graham, one out of forty marriages ends in divorce when parents attend church regularly, and only one out of four hundred ends in divorce when both parents with their children attend church regularly and maintain family devotions.
I have a feeling that I am on the right biblical track—for the good of the people, the good of sound doctrine, and the good of my own conscience. And the marriages performed since I adopted this policy will bear me out.5
We cannot leave this chapter without facing what some have called a dilemma. What are the guidelines to follow when faced with a couple of whom one or both have been married and divorced? One concern should be with the person’s relationship to Christ and his or her Christian walk. Another concern should be with the previous relationship. The discussion should determine whether all past matters have been settled biblically
There are many views today concerning divorce and remarriage. Some take the position that there is no biblical basis for divorce or for remarriage. However, it does appear from certain passages that divorce is permissible in some cases, and if so, remarriage would also seem to be accepted. It is difficult to obtain all the facts concerning the previous marriage situation, but the pastor ought to try to determine whether the divorce occurred according to biblical grounds, if there were attempts at reconciliation, if the divorced person is bitter or forgiving, and so on.
If a person states that the spouse was the one at fault, the one who did the cheating, it is still important to ask, “Can you think of any way in which you might have had some responsibility in the demise of the first marriage?” or, “In what way do you feel that you contributed to the problems?” It is rare that only one person is at fault.
Other questions to ask are: What would you like to be different in this second marriage, and how will you make this difference? What did you learn from the first experience that will benefit you in this new relationship?
If one or both have children, spend time exploring their understanding of the process of child rearing from a biblical perspective. Philosophies of discipline usually conflict; the counselor can provide suggestions for handling the situation. (See chapter 14 for specific ideas.)
As a pastor interviews a person or a couple considering marriage after divorce, the following questions should be considered:
What is the level of spiritual maturity of each individual? What is the evidence of the presence of Christ in their relationship?
Were those people Christians at the time of the divorce (one or both), or have they become Christians since the divorce? What effect has divorce had upon them in terms of their relationship to Christ?
Has the person undergone some type of counseling or therapy during the first marriage or since that time? I strongly recommend that the divorced person completes a divorce recovery program before entering a new marriage. (Other issues and strategies for counseling a couple when either partner is divorced are discussed in detail in chapter 14.)
Is the couple capable of making a marriage work financially? The man’s financial commitments to the first marriage may jeopardize the second. Finances undermine many marriages.
What do they see as the church’s response to their marriage, and what are they seeking in terms of their future life in the local church?
Again Wayne Oates summarizes the church’s position:
If a couple have become faithful Christians and have demonstrated their change of heart and life since they have been divorced, a church will be hard put to refuse to marry them without placing its teaching concerning divorce above its doctrine of regeneration. Especially is this true if these people are deprived of a Christian wedding and at the same time awarded the privileges of church membership and of holding positions of leadership in the church. The wisdom of an earlier Episcopal ruling is still valid: a couple is required to wait at least one whole year after the date of the legal decree of divorce before remarriage. This ruling prevents a couple from “by-passing” the grief process of the previous marital break-up and from hastening into a premature relationship that may have been one precipitating cause of the previous marital collapse.6
1. See Siang-Yang Tan, “Lay Christian Counseling: The Next Decade,” Journal of Psychology and Christianity, vol. 9, no. 3 (1990), pp. 59–65. Published by the Christian Association for Psychological Studies, this issue is vital for articles on preparing and training lay people to conduct premarital counseling, and it contains helpful bibliographic references.
2. The Marital Assessment Inventory is available from Christian Marriage Enrichment, 17821 17th St., Suite 290, Tustin, CA 92680.
3. The videotape series “Helping Couples Resolve Marital Conflict” is available from Christian Marriage Enrichment in Tustin, CA.
4. Wayne Oates and Wade Rowatt, Before You Marry Them (Nashville: Broadman, 1975), p.34.
5. J. Grant Swank, Jr., “Church Weddings Are Not for Everyone,” Christianity Today, August 27, 1976, pp.26-27. Copyright by Christianity Today 1976 and used by permission.
6. Oates and Rowatt, Before You Marry Them, pp. 38–39.
*Revised Standard Version